All I Want For Others

[PAW]

All I Want For Others

You don't know Me,
But you’re all I have now,
It’s all in My head, all in My head,
Thinking hurts,
It makes Me judge you, makes Me want you,
I know how You think,
Why you do the things You do,
Scary to know someone You just met,
Cutting Me helps, but not enough,
I can still hear it,
I need something more,
I need to kill it,
That voice in My head,
Telling Me to hurt the ones I love and cherish,
It already has done bad things, it’s hurt Her,
She walked up the road, no care in the world,
But I could see it, the past She has,
What’s it got in it, She is carried by a burden,
I thought I could help Her,
By stopping the voice in Her head,
The one that torments Her,
One that keeps talking about Her past,
So I did it,
Took the fist I was born with and knocked Her brain,
Her only mind,
I helped Her,
I killed it,
And nothing was left; it’s when I realised,
The voice in My head had won,
I lost the one I loved and cherished,
Guess I should stop the voice in my head too,
And never hear it again,
Or hear anything else…

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If anyone replies will be surprising too me, but if you viewed this, could you atleast say how it went, please!
I don't care if you dislike it, just tell me how to improve, thanks!

[Jiku Neon]

I'm gonna give a basic critique of your poetry since you want to know my opinion. The cutting part makes me think emo so give it a real direction and don't just leave it open ended enough for it to be made fun of. The part where you had a burden carrying a person seemed backwards so watch out for stuff that makes no sense, it isn't a good thing. Also your word choice is somewhat questionable at times but that is personal opinion of how you want it to sound. Note that an insane person probably would not realize their insanity so clearly as this, they would think of the voice you were talking about in a slightly different manner, because if you are aware of it then it's not exactly the same. It is unclear what you meant by the voice in the other persons head or why you capitalized 'Her' and 'Me'. But I don't think this is bad just a bit rough and unfinished. So keep working on it and try to make things flow and eliminate negative connotations.

[PAW]

Even if it was pretty negative, thank you for posting.

Ok first about the cutting it was to introduce to the reader that the person speaking s troubled in some way or another, emphasizing the poem a little.

Second, i just realized i didn't add Italics, let me correct it.

Thirdly the wording shows that the character themselves does not know exactly what they think whether what they are doing is right or wrong in their opinion.

Fourth, (Just for fun) a quote of Einstiens: 'A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?'
I know its not proof but it shows that though'crazy' people might not think they are crazy, they would still realize that something is wrong with them and try to fix it if it hurts them.

And generally I want you to think what it means to you, it could mean differently to others but to you it could be unclear, just take in the poem like you want.

[Ratchet]

That is a really interesting poem as it really emphasizes the interaction between the characters mentioned in the poem. The erratic nature seems to indicate contrary feelings and a repressed anger at the events and the outcome. There is a lot of emotion and pent up frustration in the body of the poem.

[PAW]

My poems are all based on the type of emotion I feel when i start the poem, but I choose a different type of situation and so on to make it seem different each time.

and by what you put, I hope hat means you liked it! XD