[Doh hoh, my sense of humour is simply marvelous.] This was a short story I did for an English Exam. I have been meaning to type it up for a while but never managed to get around to actually doing it. Anyway, here it is now. Finished and all. It is slightly based off of some of the stories from here in the way of setting and such, but other than that it is my own work. I of course do not own the characters (I mean, c'mon. That would just be creepy.) And if you really can't figure out who the main characters are by the title, then I frown upon thee. Anyway, enjoy! What Makes the Cookie Crumble “C’mon! There has to be something this time!†Her hands fumbled around in the darkness, desperately trying to grip on to something. Just one thing, one thing she wanted –no, needed to be waiting for her. “…Nothing…†She exclaimed with a small sigh, withdrawing her petit hands from the letter box, disappointment evident in her tone. “W-Why? Why don’t I ever get one…?†the girl stuttered, crumbling down onto a nearby couch. Crumbling. She had always liked that word. She had always wanted to know what it would feel like to physically crumble into tiny little pieces. It certainly felt as though she was coming close to it, but something seemed to be missing. Something she couldn’t quite place. Sighing in dismay, she glanced over at a nearby calendar, which hung loosely from the wall. It was Valentine’s Day at school, and as always the mail room was buzzing with life. There was no end to the shouting, jeering and squealing that bounced around the room with such joviality every year. Of course, this year was no different. This year was exactly the same. This year, Judy still hadn’t received a card, not one. The whole ordeal made her stomach twist in a knot, every-single-time. Suddenly, she felt a delicate hand drop onto her shoulder, and turned her head around to meet her friend, Saxima, or rather…well, she didn’t actually know. Saxima was just an alias she went by, as did all the students, her true name unknown to most. “Hello, Cookiie!†She grinned, calling the girl by her own alias, flashing a smile of pure radiance, her fluffy pink hair falling over her eyes as she did so. “Hey…Sax...†Judy replied quietly, watching in slight amusement as her friend attempted to sort her hair, “Get any cards?†Saxima frowned slightly at the question, “No…not this time, how about you?†Judy raised an eyebrow in response, as if to say “Are you kidding?†Realising her meaning, Saxima sighed slightly, removing her hand from Judy’s shoulder, “That’s too bad, this is the third year in a row isn’t it?†The girl gave a sullen nod, clasping her hands together gently, “I just don’t understand it. Every time, one never comes to me, but everyone else gets one without fail. Heck, even that Amaury kid got one!†She motioned towards a short kid, who seemed to be chasing after an older girl – Clad in light blue. An administrative prefect, no doubt – like a faithful dog, “He’s such a dork…†Saxima went bright red at this statement and muttered something under hear breath, her voice rising in volume with every word, “—I mean, maybe he’s a really nice guy an-“ “You okay?†Judy interrupted, a ghost of a smile appearing on her lips as she noticed her friend’s face had morphed into some kind of tomato. “Ahahaha, y-yeah of course…†The girl stammered quickly before hurrying off, leaving an amused Judy to sit and giggle at the scene. ________ An hour had passed since then, and Judy found herself sitting alone in an almost empty lunchroom, moping once again. Her laughter had subsided quickly after Saxima left, though she wished it hadn’t. Along with it went her temporary happiness, and now she was back to square one. However, it wasn’t the lack of a Valentine’s card that had brought her down this time. Sighing, she looked up at the table opposite her, drilling holes into the boy who sat there with her glossy black eyes. He appeared to be studying something, watching it with such intensity, as if he thought it might run away from him the moment he let up. “Why…isn’t he looking at me?†she pouted slightly, her eyes filled with sadness. She knew he liked her, it was painfully obvious. Usually he would sit around, drooling like an idiot whenever she was nearby. She thought the dumbfounded look on his face was rather cute, and the shade of pink his cheeks turned when he saw her…oh it was precious. But today seemed to be different. Today, he wasn’t drooling all over her. Today, it was like she didn’t even exist. Slowly, she got up out of her seat and began walking towards him, her palms sweaty with anxiety. She had to find out what he reading. She had to find out what was keeping him from acting like his usual, silly self. She had to find out, what had made her seem so expendable. And as she neared, closing the distance with every tiny, little baby step, tears began to cloud her eyes. And as she got closer still, she could feel her heart stop in its place. And as she arrived at the edge of the table, she could feel a cry of anguish force itself out of her throat, threatening to tear it to shreds if she tried to stop. The boy looked up, alarmed at the sudden noise. His eyes fell on the girl, and he spoke softly to her, as if concerned, yet his eyes seemed…distant. “Judy? What’s the matter?†But she never heard it. She was already off, flying down the corridor outside of the lunchroom with great speed, unable to clear her mind of what she had seen on the letter the boy was reading. “With love, Akemi.†Nor could she shake off his reply. “With love, Ashwin.†And at that moment, as she glared at those two images which hung stubbornly inside her mind, she no longer had to imagine what it felt like to crumble. Because that’s what cookies do. They crumble.
Wow. I have to say, this was really well written (a nice change from all of the lovey-dovey CookiiexWhat? fics). The way you described everyone was great and you used a pretty relatable scenario. It was just wonderful, fish~
Daaaayuuum son. O: Anyway, that was fantastic Feenie! I initially thought it would be an "awww wookiie abububu", but then the end...oh my god the end. ;___; The narration of Cookiie was excellent, and I really enjoyed the references to the Saxamaury story in the megaship story. xD POST MOAR >:L
So I didn't know about the original thread or the megaship story so when you said "and if you really can't figure out who the main characters are by the title, then I frown upon thee" all I could think of was the Cookie Monster. lol .___. Anyhoo, I like it. Overall, it was an interesting read and, for me at least, the ending was very unexpected. I spotted a few typos: ^ I believe this is the French spelling? It should be 'petite'. I also found a couple of instances where you could have perhaps used better wording. To exclaim means to "to cry out or speak suddenly and vehemently, as in surprise, strong emotion, or protest" so I'm not sure that it's possible to exclaim something and sigh at the same time, lol. This, your use of the word 'one'.. just doesn't sound right to me. I think that "no cards ever come to me" or "I never get any" would be more appropriate. It's not a huge problem, but I just feel that right now, it doesn't quite flow right. Nevertheless, it was still a good read and I hope that you continue to produce writing for us!
Oh koot <3 The only typo I noticed was petit, which Mish already pointed out, but given how frequently used petit is I'm sure it was just an honest mistake, or maybe your e key just stuck, hah. There was also this: As a frequent patron of the em dash, I find that when it's used parenthetically, it's often followed by another. So this, perhaps, should be: Otherwise, it was a nice read! I thought your dialogue was especially strong, it felt quite organic to me, so kudos there. :]
