The Story of Xilord

Discussion in 'Archives' started by 2Foxxie4U, May 17, 2008.

  1. 2Foxxie4U ~The Forgotten Crusader...~

    Joined:
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    The internet! Duh!
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    Meh... I unno why I'm here right now. XD; I've practically left the site already. *shrug* Whatever - uploading something to KHV first makes uploading it to deviantArt a whole lot easier.

    Whatever.

    I've been wanting to do this for a long time now, sooooo... Even though I'm in the middle of, like, 6 other fanfics, I'mma start another one! XD GO PROCRASTINATION!

    Caution: Is kinda suggestive on a lot of different levels and OOGLES of profanity. XD; don't say I didn't warn ya.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    The Birth of Xilord

    He's a She's a He's a-WHU'?!?!

    Xigbar grinned a bit, slipping his tongue into Luxord’s mouth as their lips met again in a passionate kiss. Luxord couldn’t help but smile as well at the older man’s vigor, sliding his warm fingers into The Freeshooter’s long, silky hair. “Mmmpf…” he couldn’t help but moan.
    “Mmmpf…” Xigbar agreed, sliding his hands around Luxord’s waist. As their tongues continued doing battle, he took the time to carefully slide one end of Luxord’s thin undershirt up a bit, and stroke the warm skin underneath.

    He gasped in surprise as the blonde shoved him forcefully onto the bed, smirking slyly. He blinked, and smirked back. “You know I can just flip you off of me right now and dominate you, right?”
    Luxord drew slight circles on his chest. “Well… Yeah… But I was hoping that, uh… Maybe I could top tonight…?”
    “C’mon, dude… That’s not fair! You gotta win in the dominance fight just like everyone else!”
    “I know, I know, but you’ve been topping for, like, three bloody weeks straight! I kinda miss it…”

    Xigbar chuckled a bit. “Well… I HAVE been hitting the gym lately… Ya like?”
    Luxord pecked him on the lips softly. “Hellz yeah! But c’mon… Just for tonight. Pleeease…? A nasty ol’ dominance fight would go and ruin the mood, savvy…?”

    Xigbar rolled his eyes. “Okay, OKAY. Jeez. Now don’t say I don’t spoil you…!~”
    Luxord chuckled, and kissed him again. “I know, I know…”
    “AND don’t get used to it, a’ight? This is a one-time thing. No more asking for free-bees.”
    “Or else what…?” Luxord asked slyly.
    “Or else I’ll say no! Duh.”

    Luxord blinked. “Oh… I, uh… thought you’d say something like you’d be seme that night.”
    “What else would I be – the ringmaster?!”

    Silence.

    “Shut up and spread your legs, you bloody wanker.”

    A few days later…

    Luxord stretched, yawning slightly as he stumbled into the kitchen, and lazily started scratching himself all over. “Ahhh…” the blonde sighed, opening a cabinet and grabbing his “#1 Gambler” mug and walking over to the huge pot of tea sitting in one corner.

    He grinned to see it was already brewing. “Nice… Tea and I didn’t even need to make it!” Whistling cheerily, he began pouring a cup for himself.

    Then he walked over to the kitchen table, grabbed one of the newspapers by the wall that the mail-Dusk brought in every morning and took a seat. After a quick sip of his tea, he flung the paper out and began reading.

    Not soon after, Xigbar wobbled in after him, groaning and holding his stomach. “H…hey, Lux…” he grumbled, shuffling over to the refrigerator and opening it. “Ya go a minute, dude…?”

    Luxord quirked a brow and set down his paper. “What is it, mate?” he asked casually as he took another sip of his precious tea.
    Xigbar pulled open the fridge, snatched up the jug of milk, and sighed. “I think I might be sick or somethin’... These last few days have been just…” he flailed his arms about. “Aggghhhh…! I’ve been snapping people’s heads off left and right for absolutely no reason… My chest feels kinda funny… I’ve been throwing up for absolutely no reason…”

    He trailed off, and put his hands on his hips, a thoughtful look on his face. “But it’s kinda funny… Even though I’ve felt sick to my stomach, I’ve been GAININ’ weight – not losing it… Huh… weird…” He started drinking the milk without even bothering to pour a glass first.
    “Huh… Well I’ll be darned…” Luxord grumbled, swishing his mouth to the side slightly. “Mmm… Probably just a weird virus flyin’ around… I’m sure it’s nothing TOO serious mate – just make sure you drink plenty of fluids, and—WHOA – HEY, HEEEY!!!” the blonde shouted suddenly, catching sight of Xigbar guzzling the milk. “Cut that out! If you really ARE sick, then all you’re doin’ is spoilin’ the milk for the rest of us, savvy?!”

    Xigbar wiped his mouth with his sleeve, snarling. “Oh get eaten by a bloody shark, you limey Brit *******!” he snapped.
    “Okay, okay! Sheesh…!” Luxord grunted, turning back to his paper.

    Xigbar blinked and suddenly went back to the refrigerator. “…Wonder if we have anymore fried chicken left…” he murmured, as he poked through.

    Unfortunately, they did.

    He squealed with delight, got a bowl, and went back to the milk carton. He poured the milk inside the bowl, miscrowaved it for a minute, and then pulled it out the steaming hot liquid out of the microwave. He set that next to the chicken, and then went into the cabinets. “Where is it…? Where is it…?! AH! Here it is!”

    He pulled out what he was looking for, grinning. “MUSTARD!” He dumped the whole thing of mustard on the cold chicken, and dipped that inside of the warm milk, and then took a bite. “Mmmm… Actually, it's not bad!” he chirped, dipping the chicken again.

    Luxord, as you could imagine, was giving a look of absolute horror at the concoction Xigbar had stirred up – the Frankenstein’s monster of food. Oh, bloody hell – I’m gonna puke…! he thought, pressing his hand to his mouth. “****, man – find some ****ing help!” the blonde cried, getting ready to rush away.

    Xigbar blinked, obviously hurt. “W…Wha…?!” His eyes suddenly grew wide and teary. “Y…You don’t… You don’t like it…?!” He looked down miserably at the bowl, his lip trembling. “Oh… Oh my god – I… I serious feel like I’m gonna cry right now…!” he whimpered, burying his face in his hands.
    Luxord turned back to the man, quickly getting a bit exasperated. Cripes – what the hell is going on today?! “No, no, Xiggy!” he coaxed, running back to the man. “It’s not that I don’t LIKE it – it’s just, that, uh… I, uh…”
    “You don’t like it…” Xigbar finished miserably.
    “No! It’s not that at all! It looks… uh…” Luxord glanced at the strange food again, gulping. “Er… delicious… yeah.”
    “Good!” Xigbar chirped, suddenly perking up. “Then go get me some tacos and chocolate!” His eyes narrowed to slits. “NOW.

    Luxord blinked, drawing back. “Waaaait a second…” he murmured, striking his thoughtful pose. “What’s goin’ on here…? Are you, like… PMSing or something? But, no – that wouldn’t explain the weird cravings…”
    Xigbar blinked and smirked a bit. “Uh… Dude, what are ya talkin’ about? You said it yourself – I’m just kinda sick or… somethin’.”
    “Naaaah – I think it might be something else…” Luxord murmured, circling around his lover a bit.
    “Seriously, dude – you’re creepin’ me out…” Xigbar chuckled. “What – do you think it—”

    “Got it!” Luxord cried, snapping his fingers. “Xigbar… I don’t know exactly how to tell you this, but, uh… I think… you’re pregnant.”

    Silence for a long time.

    Xigbar abruptly cracked up. “OH, DUDE! That is SO totally rich!” he cackled, slapping his hand against the table. “HAHAHAHA – RIGHT! I’m TOTALLY pregnant! Jeez, Luxord – only you would come up with a conclusion like that!”
    “But it’s probable!” Luxord insisted. “Think about it! The mood-swings, the puking, the weird food and the gained weight… All symptoms of pregnancy!”

    Dead silence.

    A mustard-covered drumstick plopped into the bowl of warm milk. “… What?” Xigbar asked, eyes wide. There was a tiny “I don’t believe you!~” grin on his face as he spoke.
    Luxord beamed, and threw his arms out wide. “YOU’RE GONNA BE A MOMMY, MY XIGGY-POO!!!~”

    That was the breaking point. A man could only take so much. Xigbar suddenly jumped up and slammed his fist on the table, his teeth bared in rage. “AS IF!!! That can’t POSSIBLY be! I’m a MAN, DAMNIT! MEN don’t get PREGNANT!!!

    Luxord simply crossed his arms. “Well… Technically you’re a Nobody… And we don’t even know if you’re male yet… I mean… not like any of us actually had the guts to spy on Larxene and see if she actually squats…
    “But…” Xigbar whimpered. Tears started welling up in his eyes. “I’mma guy…! I’MMA GUY!!!

    He slumped onto Luxord, sobbing. “WHAT DO I DO NOW, HUH?! Do I **** it out?! **** it out like… Like some kinda TURD or something…?!” he wailed.
    “We’ll find out the specifics later, m’kay?” Luxord cooed, patting his lover on the head. He then bent down so that he was eye-level to Xiggy’s stomach, and rubbed it gently, cooing, “Hey, there, lil’ fellah!~ Can’t wait till ya come out for us to see…!~”

    CUT THAT OUT!!!

    Luxord yelped as he went flying across the room due to a boot in the face. He tumbled slightly, rolling across the ground, until he smacked into the wall on the other side of the kitchen.

    K.O.

    “… Oops…” Xigbar rubbed the back of his head slightly, a vivid blush clawing at his cheeks. “S-Sorry, there, Luxxy…! You surprised me…”

    Silence.

    “C…Can ya breathe…?”

    ************************************


    GYAAAH!!!

    Xigbar suddenly sat up, his chest heaving. He glanced around for a while, and then sighed, collapsing back into the soft sheets of his bed, chuckling to himself.
    “Nyugh… What’s wrong, Xiggy…?” Luxord asked sleepily from the other end of the bed.
    “Heh… Oh, nothing, Lux… I just had this… ya know – HORRIBLE dream that… somehow I magically got PREGNANT, and you...! Oh, JEEZ! You… you were… uhm… Y-You were…” He gulped. “Oh…”

    Luxord sat up a bit, grinning lazily. His nose was plugged up with bloody tissue, and a good portion of his face was black-and-blue in the shape of a foot-imprint. “Oh that? Heh… That was real. It’s just that after I woke up from passing out, you were so sorry that you said that you’d be willing to make it up for me any way you could, and – hell – I wasn’t givin’ up that chance, and at first we were gonna do it right there on the table, but Demyx walked in and freaked out and then XALDIN got involved, so unless we wanted to get castrated then and there, we needed to take it back in room and then you were all like, ‘OH, LUXXY!’ and I was like, ‘OH, XIGGY!’ and we kissed, and I ran my tongue up your—”

    “So I really AM pregnant?!” Xigbar screeched. He could almost feel his brain completely snap in two.
    “Uh… Yeah – as far as I know,” Luxord replied, yawning and scratching the back of his head.

    Xigbar instantly slammed his face into a pillow and began pounding it with his fist, screaming as loud as he could into it. “THAT! IS ****ING! IMPOSSIBLE!!! I! Am! A! GUY!!!” he screamed. “**** IT ALLL!!!!!” He was truly a pioneer, he was. He was gonna be the first ever Organization member to have a child. Shame he didn’t see it as an honor.

    “Hey, heeey…!” Luxord coaxed, rubbing his lover’s back slightly. “Don’t be like that… Just think about it! Wouldn’t it be nice to have a little bundle of joy that we could order around all we want and get to do crap for us without pay…? Like a mini-slave of some sort, but instead we give them a place to sleep so we’re not infringing the child labor laws!”

    Xigbar sniffled. “True, but… How the hell are we supposed to explain this to Xemnas?! You know how he gets about crazy **** like this… I mean, SURE – the guy SAYS he knows all there is to know about Nobodies and hearts and the Heartless and blah, blah, blah, but c’mon, dude! I’M A FREAKIN’ GUY!
    Luxord smiled a bit. “Well… He doesn’t HAVE to know about it… Heh – it reminds me of that time I…” he trailed off. “Er… Nevermind. Ehhehhehheh…”

    Xigbar quirked an eyebrow. “When you WHAT?! Luxord, the Gambler of Fate, is there someone else I should know about?!” the Freeshooter demanded.

    Initiating ***** mode!

    Luxord chuckled a bit, scratching his head nervously. “Nononono! It’s nothing like that, mate – I swear it! Nothing that bad!”
    “YEAH?!” Xiggy shrieked. “THEN WHAT IS IT LIKE, HUH?! What can it POSSIBLY be that’s not THAT bad, huh?! Ya know what?! That one time I was at Port Royal, and we were supposed to meet each other at the town at 8:45 pm, guess when you came! JUST GUESS!

    He didn’t give Luxord enough time to answer. “8:47!!!!!!” the Freeshooter exploded. “You thought I didn’t notice, didn’t you?! DIDN’T YOU?!?!?! Oh, I noticed, alright! You’ve been sneaking over to Xaldin’s room while I’ve had my back turned, haven’t you?! HAVEN’T YOU?!”

    Initiating psychotic wife that every man regrets marrying after two weeks mode…

    Luxord growled. “Xigbar, you’re acting REDICULOUS! If I was cheating on you, don’t you think it’d take longer than TWO BLOODY MINUTES?! So I needed to use the bloody John before I met you – so what?! Xaldin and I are just friends is all! We don’t do THAT! Sheesh!”

    Xigbar blinked. “Oh, really? You’re just friends?” He sighed, grinning. “Phew! Oh, that’s a relief! Cuz, ya know, at FIRST, I thought, like, MAYBE, but then I was like, ‘Oh there's no WAY!’, and…” he kept happily chattering on and on about this.

    Initiating preppy Girl Scout mode!

    Luxord face-palmed with a soft sigh. “I’ll be back…” he grumbled as he made a portal that would lead to Vexen’s lab. “Just… stay here, out of sight.”
    Xigbar gasped. “What?! NO!!!” He clung to Luxord’s arm, whimpering. “Dun… LEAVE me, Luxxy…!” he sobbed. “I’m sorry for EVERYTHING!!! I’mma WRECK without yoooouuuu…!”

    Initiating sniveling fool mode!

    Luxord yelped in surprise as he felt Xigbar’s strong arms wrap around him. “Wha?! Huh…! Oh, for Pete’s sake! I’ll be back, you bloody wanker! Let me go!”
    Xigbar sniffed, finally giving up. “O… Okay…” he whimpered. He let go of Luxord’s arm, and pulled his blankets over his head. “Just… Just make sure you get me a t-shirt, okay…?”

    A pause.

    “Oh… and a peanut-butter and mayonnaise sandwich? I’m starving…”
    Luxord quirked a brow at the t-shirt comment. I wasn’t like he was going to frickin’ HAWAII! But he nodded anyway. A gift probably would make him feel better.

    He then shivered at the sound of the nasty-sounding sandwich, desperately holding back a gag as he stopped into the corridor of darkness.

    ************************************

    Luxord glanced around slightly. All of the lights were dimmed, making everything look eerie, and a few instruments next to him were glowing soft, vibrant colors in strange patterns…

    The blonde blinked, and cupped a hand around his mouth like a mini-megaphone. “Oh, VEEEE-XEEEEN…!~ Ya home?!”

    A far away gasp. “L-Luxord?!”
    “Yup – it’s me, mate!” Luxord yelled back.

    A sudden cry of distress and sounds of scuttling footsteps. “What are you doing in here?! D-DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE OBLITERATED ON IMPACT!”
    Luxord gulped, blinking slowly. “… ‘Kay…!”

    After a few moments, the weird machines next to him stopped glowing funky colors, and the lights flickered back on. Vexen sighed, stomping over to where Luxord was and growled, “Yes, what is it…? I was in them idle of something VERY important,” in a fairly distressed tone.
    “Well, uh… It’s pretty awkward to say this, but, uh… I got someone pregnant – and one hell of a weird ‘someone’…!” he added under his breath, “and now they’re freaking out like crazy! What on earth do I do?!”

    Vexen quirked an eyebrow. “Huh…?” Suddenly, his eyes widened. “Oh my… You don’t mean LARXENE, do you?! I never knew you swung that way! DAMN, you’ve got guts! Do you still have your…?" He trailed off, spinning his finger meaningfully.

    Without giving the poor blonde enough time to answer, the scientist turned away, running his fingers through his hair. “This is some kind of breakthrough! So, wait, she really IS a female?!” He didn’t know exactly know WHAT to think of this.

    Luxord smacked his forehead. “It’s NOT Larxene, dumbass! No one’s stupid enough to get anywhere NEAR her to even find out, man! But, seriously, mate. They’re bloody freaking out and I have NO idea what to do. Advice PLEASE?”
    Vexen scratched his head. “Uh… Wear a helmet, and carry an umbrella…?” He shrugged. “Honestly, I don’t know what to say. No woman’s ever been drunk enough to find me attractive.”

    He snickered at his own joke, and said, “Why not try Marluxia or Zexion? I’m sure they know a thing or two about the matter…”
    Luxord rolled his eyes. “Right…” he grumbled, portalling off again.

    ************************************​


    Xigbar stared at the clock. What on earth could that limey bloke be DOING for 1 minute and 28 seconds?!

    ************************************


    “YO! Flower Power!” Luxord cried, stepping into Marluxia’s room. “Ya in here?!”
    Zexion, who was seated at one end of the room smiled a bit. “Oh! Hi, Luxord…! Heh…” An awkward silence. “Whatcha doin’ here?”
    The blonde blinked, then shook his head, deciding it’d be better not to ask. “Is… Marly here? I need to ask him a very urgent question…”
    Zexion shrugged. “Um… I heard he was going to dye his hair again…!” he said kinda loudly.
    “DYING MY HAIR!” Marluxia shouted from the bathroom.
    “See?”
    “Ah…”

    Luxord sighed a bit. “Well, I was just wondering if, uh… Either of you two would be willing to help me out with a little pregnancy problem…”
    “Pregnancy problem…?” Zexion blinked. “Oh, don't tell me…! LARXENE?! So, wait… It IS established that she’s actually a GIRL, right?”
    “It wasn’t Larxene!” Luxord insisted. “No one’s stupid enough to get close enough to find out! You guys should know that. Anyways… I got someone pregnant, and they’re pretty much freakin’ out. So what do I do?!”
    Zexion struck a thoughtful pose. “Well… what is it exactly that you want to know?”

    Luxord did the same. “… How about… we start with how the hell they’re gonna HAVE the thing in the first place! And how the bloody hell do I get rid of the crazy mood-swings and non-stop spazzing?!”

    Zexion shrugged. “Can’t help ya with the second, man. You’re just gonna have to tough that one out for nine months. Just make sure you don’t say anything about her weird-ass cravings. You’ll be hurting for weeks. And, as for the first thing…” He shrugged again. “Like… normal, I guess… What – you don’t know what that looks like? I can show you an illusion of one if ya want…”

    Luxord thought this over, and nodded. “Okay… sure.” It was JUST an illusion… What was the worst that could happen?

    Zexion nodded, and waved his hand around a little, murmuring words in a language that no mortal could possibly understand. And, suddenly, Marluxia’s room disappeared, replaced by a hospital room.

    There were nurses all about, but none of them seemed to see the two Nobodies. Zexion was sitting in one of the chairs by the wall.

    “Watch and learn…” he chuckled, pointing to the woman screaming on the bed. And then, he showed the poor blonde the whole, long, agonizing, and utterly disgusting process of child birth.

    Luxord could almost feel the bile tickling the back of his throat. He gagged slightly, covering his mouth with his hands. “I…Isn’t there another way?!” he cried, wanting to cover his eyes, but unable to look away from the horrible sight.

    Zexion stood up, and walked over to Luxord. He phased right through anyone who got in his way – they WERE only illusions, after all. “Well, sure. You can always have the baby cut out of the mother’s stomach. I won’t go into details, but I will say that they’ve done it multiple times before and it usually comes out without any major issues. Buuuut... whether it’s better than this, I can’t say. How would you like it if someone cut YOU all the way down the middle, hmmm?”

    Luxord’s eye began twitching uncontrollably. “If I was this woman,” indicate pointing to the one giving birth, “I’d bloody get cut open ANY day!”

    When he’d looked over towards the woman again, blood was starting to gush, and it was safe to say it him freaked out a bit. He hid behind Zexion, groaning and holding his stomach. “Thank god I ain’t a bloody woman!”
    “Well, while we’re on the subject, why don’t you tell me who the lucky lady is, huh, Luxord?” Zexion asked. “Is it anyone we know?”
    “Eh…” Luxord pressed his two fingers together slightly. “Yes and no on both subjects…”
    “Then tell me…” Zexion insisted. “Or else you’re never getting out of this hospital.”

    He paused and blinked. “Oh, please tell me you didn’t rape Namine. Dude, do you know how much **** you’re gonna be in when Xemnas finds out?!”
    Luxord fell to his knees and cringed on the floor. “I’M NOT A PEDOPHILE!!!” he screamed, cupping his hands around his ears, trying to sound out the screaming of agony. “And, strangely enough, it’s not a woman at all!”
    Zexion blinked at the last part. “… Come again…?” he asked dumbly. Silence for a second. “EWWWWWWW!!!!!! BESTIALITY?!?!?!?! DUDE! That is SO ****in’ WRONG!!!!

    “Oh, for CRIPE’S SAKE!!!” Luxord roared, jumping to his feet. “It was XIGBAR, okay?! I got XIGBAR pregnant! Not Namine! Not some poor defenseless puppy wandering along the road! XIGBAR!!! Seriously – how sick do you think I am?! First you go accusing me of being a pedophile, and THEN you think I’d go around raping some poor animal! That’s DISGUSTING! You need to take your mind out of the bloody gutter!”

    Zexion blinked, his eyes wide, his mouth agape and his face ashen.

    Luxord started at him for a while, then exploded, “CAN WE GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE NOW?! The screams of pain are getting to me!”
    Zexion stared dumbly at him. “…………………………… Nyuuuuuuuuuughhhhhhhhhhh…?!”
    Luxord grabbed Zexion roughly by his shoulders, and began shaking him like there was no tomorrow. “GET ME THE **** OUTTA HEEEERE!!!!!
    Zexion snapped back to reality. “Oh! Yes… Of course…”

    The illusion wafted away, leaving them at Marluxia’s room – where they’d started. Zexion stared at Luxord incredulously. “Okay… So… Explain. Now. Or else you’re going back. And the NEXT woman’s in for 18 hours of labor!”
    Luxord scratch the back of his head, awkwardly. “How the hell am I supposed to explain something as freaky as that, mate?! The bloke’s pregnant! He eats freaky-ass **** and he’s having mood-swings all to hell and… the bloke keeps throwing up in the morning or at other random times… and he’s been gainin' weight like crazy! So I don’t know, okay?! It just HAPPENED!

    Zexion stared at Xigbar incredulously. “Well… Those ARE the symptoms for pregnancy… But, that’s IMPOSSIBLE! Xigbar’s a MAN!!!

    He paused.

    “Right…?”

    Luxord blinked. “Uh… Yeah! DUR!”
    “BUT HE’S ****IN’ PREGNATE!!!!!!!!!” Zexion screeched, eye twitching like mad.
    Marluxia slowly pushed open the door. “Um… Did I miss something…?”
    Zexion pointed to Luxord frantically. “HE GOT XIGBAR PREGNATE!!!
    What the hell?! You’re joking, right?!”
    “That’s what I asked HIM!”
    “Isn’t Xigbar a guy?!”
    “Not as far as I know!”
    “HE’S A GUY!” Luxord screamed. “I’ve seen his wang-danger enough times to prove it, man! Would you like me to get him over here and pull down his pants to show you?!”

    “YES!” They both screamed at the same time.

    “He’s probably gotten a sex change while you had your back turned, Luxord!”
    “OR MAYBE IT CHANGED OVERNIGHT!!!
    “YEAH! Or that!”

    They were both so freaked out by the possibility of XIGBAR OF ALL PEOPLE getting pregnant, that they forgot that their suggestions were even MORE illogical.

    Luxord blinked. “BOLLOCKS!!! Are you guys even HEARING yourselves right now…?! That’s impossible! You can’t just get a sex-change over-night! And even if you COULD, I was with him all night, so I’d know!”
    “WE WANT PROOF!” Marluxia demanded.
    “It’s ****in’ IMPOSSIBLE! How’s he supposed to have the ****in’ thing?! Does he **** it out?!”
    “That’d be one big turd, man!
    “One ****IN’ big turd!”

    Luxord rolled his eyes. “Well, I guess I’ll be going now…” he grumbled, getting ready to portal off.
    “NUUU! Luxord!” Zexion cried, pouncing on the blonde and clinging to his legs. “I HAVE TO SEE IT FOR MYSELF!!!
    Marluxia pounced, too, making all three Nobodies topple to the ground. “SHOW US!
    “Dude! If you're shittin’ me right now…!”


    Luxord grunted as he was practically buried under the Nobody dog-pile. “Get the **** OFFA me!” He pushed the others off and hastily made a portal. “FINE! FINE!!!” he screamed as he transported them all to Xigbar’s room.

    ************************************


    Xigbar had his hands on his hips, glaring icily at Luxord. “WHERE have you been?! It’s been TEN WHOLE MINUTES, do ya know that?! Boy, if I find out you’ve been getting’ it on with Demyx, I’ll shove my foot SO far up your ass, the—!”
    “Sorry, mate! Gotta interrupt!” Luxord cried, scrambling up to him, and yanking down his pants and boxers. Satisfied by what he saw, he grinned and triumphantly pointed at Xigbar’s crotch. “SEE?! I told ya!”

    Zexion blinked. “So… He’s a guy.”
    “I KNEW IT!” Marluxia screamed. “I KNEW HE WASN’T PREGNANT!!!”
    “Nuh-uh, you TOTALLY fell for it!”
    “Yeah, well, so did you!”

    Xigbar blushed vividly and growled. Before anyone could do anything else, he back-handed Luxord as hard as he could. “Don’t you EVER do that again!!!” he roared, pulling up his pants back up. “And where the HELL is my peanut-butter and mayonnaise sandwich?!”

    Zexion and Marluxia stopped and stared.

    Luxord rubbed the newly red hand-print across his cheek, and looked back up at Xigbar sadly. “Oh, bugger… Sorry, I was caught up in watching some scary-ass illusion and I forgot…” he grumbled.

    Xigbar’s eyes quickly got wide. “Wha… HUH…?! You… you forgot…? You forgot about ME?!” He began sobbing. “Luxord, how COULD you?! I thought what we had was SPECIAL!!!!”

    Zexion and Marluxia stared at each other, eyes wide.

    “Look, Xigbar…” Luxord replied patiently. “We’ve been together for how long…? Me not making you a sandwich does not mean that it’s over. I just didn’t have enough time to run to the kitchen and whip ya up something. O-KAAAAAAY…?
    “Really? That’s it?” Xigbar laughed. “Okay, then!”

    Marluxia gulped. “X…Xigbar, stop messin’ with us, ma—What are you doing?”
    Xigbar drew one of his guns, a shadow of pure, simple HATE shrouding his face. “I will give you to the count of ten… for you two mother-****ers to get the hell outta my ****in’ room. One… two… TEN!

    Marluxia and Zexion screamed and scrambled out of the room as a barrage of bullets flew past them. Once they were safe, they collapsed on the ground, huffing.

    Zexion blinked. “He's faking it. He's gotta be.”
    “… Looked pretty real to me…”
    “Guys do NOT get pregnant…”
    “Alright, but when his stomach starts jutting out, NO pinning it on a beer belly.”

    ( To Be Continued... )


    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Yeah... Larxene bashing. XD; Usually I don't do stuff like that - hell, I LOVE Larxene! But it just kinda FIT, ya know? XD; This was chock-full of OC moments and randomness... And I wrote 18.5 out of the 20 pages that it took last night aroun 4 am. XD; GO INSOMNIA!

    *yawns* Yeah... and you guys thought that Xiggalicious was bad. >.>; I have successfully distroyed every piece of dignity that Xigbar had with this fanfic. *shrug* Ah well... I tried to let him keep some part of hiss usual, bad-assed self, so that's why Luxord keeps on getting knocked around so much.

    Poor Luxxy... XD;;; *gives the poor guy a cookie for being such a good-sport* 83
    Xigbar: HEY! Where's MY freakin' cookie?! D8< I'M a good sport! DDD<

    ........ *snatches cookie from Lux and gives to Xig* 8D;
    Luxord: Awww... ;~;
    Xigbar: YAY! 8D *nomz on*

    Oi - I hope I don't get in trouble for this one. XD; There's nothing BAD bad in, but... still. This might be pushing it a bit. ^^;

    Oh well.

    Lord of the Wings,
    ~Leah.

    (( Uncensored version here! ))

    ---EDIT---

    Part 2!
     
  2. Amber PLUR

    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2007
    Gender:
    Female
    320
    ASLHJFGFLKS!

    No one commented?!?!?!?!?

    I don't care that you left!

    D< PEOPLE STILL NEED TO SHOW FOXXIE SOME LOVE!



    ...

    Anyways, I laughed, SO hard.

    Well, I skipped down to "A Few Days Later" cuz, the beginning looked kinda... gross XD

    Xigbar preggy was SO funny...

    My keyboard is glad I didn't have Dr. Pepper.

    I still suck at commenting XDDD
     
  3. debralizjr Merlin's Housekeeper

    15
    15
    I think you are a very talented writer.That is all that matters.Well and loving what you write.
     
  4. Destined Working for WDW

    Joined:
    May 6, 2007
    Location:
    Lost in the Rockies
    191
    Wow man, this is funny. Hopefully we'll be able to see more....right?
     
  5. ♦Demon♥Angel♦ Gummi Ship Junkie

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2008
    Location:
    &lt;&lt;insert witty comment here&gt;&gt;
    31
    350
    .................ew! When i read thid i picture Xifbar as a girl...not a guy! But i see the gambler of fate! XDD
     
  6. Mexony Hollow Bastion Committee

    Joined:
    Aug 20, 2007
    35
    647
    Can't belive I didn't comment. Surely this is very good and funny. I'm looking forward to more:)
     
  7. Amber PLUR

    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2007
    Gender:
    Female
    320
    Well, she left the site, so she probably won't be here to post more.

    However, when she posts the next part, I'll get her permission to post it here for you guys, if you guys want me to.

    I must warn you, she has like, 3 or 4 other stories she wants to finish first, and she's a pretty slow updater.

    Meanwhile, you guys should check out her other stories!
     
  8. ♦Demon♥Angel♦ Gummi Ship Junkie

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2008
    Location:
    &lt;&lt;insert witty comment here&gt;&gt;
    31
    350
    AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH:ranting::nerve::gunwtf: No, I was liking this stroy [even though it creeped me out...]
     
  9. W7F King's Apprentice

    Joined:
    Jul 22, 2007
    Location:
    Jax Beach, FL
    38
    447
    *produces vomitus*

    Definitely one of the funniest fics I've read in a long time. The few others I can think of that match or surpass this were all written by you, so meh. I understand why you left, but I'm sad you did. You were easily my favorite member here, as is the fact that you were one of the more"underappreciated" members. The CC will take a heavy blowonce you completely sever ties with this place. I'd like to think you'll come back. I mean hell, look at me! I;ve left three times, with the intention of not coming back, and I came back anyway. Love ya' Foxxeh, and keep writing, whether or not its posted here. Its healthy.
     
  10. 2Foxxie4U ~The Forgotten Crusader...~

    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2006
    Location:
    The internet! Duh!
    91
    Oh fuk not another one.

    Lolz... You guys are funny. I kinda feel like a jerk for not replying to the comments people left afterwards, but I was actually gone, off to DeviantART without the slightest intention to come back. Like... At all. But, yeah... As I said before, it's a lot easier to upload stuff on here and then DA, and it'd be stupid for me to skip over KHV just because of a bruised ego, so, yeah... I'm back, more or less... If only for uploading stories.

    Whatever.

    Um.... If it's at all possible... The second part will be even more disturbing than the first. X'DDD So, kiddies, avert your eyes.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Sinking In

    Luxord collapsed back on the bed, panting with delight. “Hehheh... Love... Ya know, if you just wanted some alone time with me, you COULD'VE just asked...” the blonde chuckled softly.
    “I know...~” Xigbar purred innocently, drawing circles idly on Luxord's stomach, feeling extremely pleased with himself...
    “... This still doesn't change anything, though...” Luxord sighed, shaking his head as the two pulled on their clothes once more. “I still remember the way you threw Marluxia and his little mate out of here! That wasn't nice at all!”
    Xigbar laughed. “Well, ya know what WOULD be nice? The breakfast I didn’t get to eat because SUUUUUM-body had to get all touchy-feely with a dude’s stomach!”
    “Oh… Yeah… That…”

    Luxord’s stomach lurched. “I’ll… get the peanut-butter and mayo ready…”
    “Mmmm…” Xigbar struck a thoughtful position. “I… Don’t think that I’m in the mood for peanut-butter and mayo right now, Luxxy…”
    The blonde blinked. “You’re NOT?!” Oh thank heavens…! He grinned. “Well then, what’ll it be, Xigbar?”
    “How about instant Ramen-noodles and syrup?” The Freeshooter chirped.
    “SAY WHAT?!?!?!

    Xigbar went on, not quite noticing the horrified look on Luxord’s face. “Yeah… That’s what I’m in the mood for… Ya know, I’d rather have blueberry, but I think I can settle for maple!” He grinned a little.
    Luxord smacked his forehead, and sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Whatever you say, honey…” he grumbled.
    “I knew you’d find it appetizing!~” Xigbar sang with a laugh as he grabbed Luxord hand and portalled them both off to the kitchen.

    ************************************​


    Xigbar raided the refrigerator once more, his butt sticking in the air. “Ya know, Luxxy, I actually can’t make up my mind about what I wanna eat… I’d have to say it’s a tie between the Ramen and noodles I mentioned earlier and cereal with ketchup.”

    Luxord felt like he was going to hurl. “Ugh…!” he groaned, pressing his hand to his mouth. “J…Just pick somethin alright?”
    “But I can’t CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSE…!” Xigbar whined.
    “FINE, FINE!” Luxord snapped at last. “J…Just go with what you had before, alright?! The Ramen and syrup.”
    Xigbar smirked, pulling out some leftover Ramen from the fridge. “What – don’t like ketchup?” he cooed, searching through the pantry for syrup.
    Luxord rolled his eyes. “Not on my cereal…” he grumbled to himself.
    “What was that?”
    “Nothin’…”

    Xigbar was busying himself with pouring water into the bowl of Ramen noodles, and then stuck it into the microwave for six and a half minutes. He was idly singing, “Cooking is so fun...!~ Cooking is so fun...!~ Now it's time to take a break, and see what we have done...!~”

    He turned back to Luxord, arms crossed as the microwave hummed peacefully behind him. “Well, if ya ask me, it—DAMNIT!!!
    Luxord flinched as the man smacked his hand on the counter, snarling. “THIS IS TAKING TOO ****IN’ LONG! I want the food NOW!” He turned on Luxord suddenly, his eyes blazing with insane fury. “MAKE IT GO FASTER!!!
    “YES, HONEY!” the terrified blonde replied, ducking as if he were afraid he might get smacked. Using his powers of time, Luxord sped the microwave up by at least twelve times. The seconds flew by rapidly around the little microwave until—

    Zing!

    Xigbar squealed a bit. “YAY! It's ready!~”

    He pulled open the microwave, took his noodles, and ran over to the sink to pour out the liquid. Then, he dumped the flavor package all over it, and topped it all off with a thick, blueberry syrup. He mixed it a bit, and shoved a forkful in his mouth. “Mmmmm-MMMM! DAMN – I should have my own cooking show!” he exclaimed, a huge grin plastered all over his face. He looked over at Luxord. “It's good! See? Try some! I like to have second opinions before I jump into major career decisions.”

    Luxord laughed nervously. “Oooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh – no, no, no, mate. I'd better leave it all for you... A-After all, you ARE eating for two... Er... Carbohydrates and protein and all of that rubbish—”
    Xigbar's eyes narrowed into slits. “I SAID, ‘Eat the damned food’!” he growled. “It'll make me feel like less of a fat *****.”
    Luxord whimpered a bit, and gulped. Well, looks like there's no getting out of it... he thought glumly to himself. Might as well get this bloody over with...

    The man took the fork, shuddered for a brief second, and then shoved it into his mouth. Suddenly, his eyes bulged and his face began turning all sorts of alarming colors.
    “I know!” Xigbar cried. “THAT good, right?!”
    Luxord swallowed forcefully and shot him a queasy thumbs-up sign. “Um... Yes, love. It was... Erm... Outrageous.”
    “RIGHTEOUS! Hey – where're ya goin'?” Xigbar asked as the blonde quickly began ducking out of the kitchen.
    “Oh, erm... Uh... I-I just need a minute or two in the bathroom to throw u—I-I mean, uh... Well... Yeah – so that I can throw up.” He quickly sprinted off. “BYE!”
    Xigbar gasped. “Don't tell me you're pregnant, too!” he cried after Luxord.

    Luxord pretended not to hear. He dashed down the hallway, plowing down Roxas, who was randomly wandering down the halls with a, “Move, *****!”
    Roxas stared after him. “What the…?!”

    Back in the kitchen, Xigbar shrugged and continued wolfing down his meal. It wasn't long before a portal opened up behind him. The man grinned and turned around. “Hey, Lux! You're back already?”
    A laugh. “Wrong blonde.”
    Xigbar rolled his eyes in a good-natured fashion, and went back to chowing down. “Oh. Hey, Larx. Good to see ya, girl.”
    The blonde waltzed over to the fridge and popped it open. “Hey, Zebra-Head. I just came back from a freakin' Heartless-killin' binge, so I am STARVED! What do you recommend?” she yawned as she idly poked through the items inside.

    Xigbar grinned. “Well, how about some of this kick-assed Ramen noodle and blueberry syrup stuff that I just made? It's TOTALLY wicked.”
    Larxene blinked, and turned around, her expression incredulous. “D...did you just say... Ramen noodles and SYRUP?!”
    Blueberry syrup. Want some?”
    He's pulling my leg. He's GOT to be. The blonde rolled her eyes. “Yeah, sure. But first, how about a batch of nachos and some chocolate? My treat.”
    “Mmmmm... That sounds GREAT!” Xigbar laughed, much to her surprise. “Buuut, I don't wanna let myself go TOO much...”

    Larxene made a horrified face. “.... EW!” she cried. “Dude, what are you ON?!” she cried. “That is DISGUSTING!!! Do you need to get checked up by Vexen or something?!”
    Xigbar was stunned. “What? What's wrong, Larxene?”
    “YOU! What – did you fall down a flight of stairs or something?! I mean, look at what you're ****ing eating!”
    Xigbar looked down at his food, then back up at Larxene, his expression akin to the calm before a storm. “.... What? This...?” he asked quietly, nodding down at the plate.
    “YES, that! Ew – it even smells GROSS!” Larxene pinched her nose. “Honestly, Xigbar if you're going to—”

    A resounding crash echoed through the kitchen.

    ************************************​


    Demyx swayed to and fro as he walked through the corridors of the hallway, bobbing his head and doing a little jig as he listened to his iPod. “If I could escape... I would – but, first of all, let me say...~ I must apologize for acting stank an treating you this way...~ Cause I've been actinglikesourmilkallonthefloor!
    It'syourfaultyoudidn'tshutthere-frig-er-a-tor; maybethat'sthereasonI'vebeenactingso COOOOOOOOOOLD?!~”

    He began twirling a bit with his song. “If I could escape...~ (Escaaape...!~) And recreate a place as my own world!~ (Own wooo-ooorld...!~) And I could be your favorite giiiiirl, forever!~ Per-fect-ly to-ge-ther!~ Tell me boy, now wouldn't that be sweet? (Sweet Escape...~) If I could be sweet...~ (Beee sweeeet...~) I know I've been a real bad girl...!~ Bad giiiirl...!~ (I'll try to change...) I didn't mean for you to get hurt...!~ (Whatsoever...) We can make it better... Tell me boy, wouldn't that be sweet?~ (Sweet Escape...!~) Wooooo-hoooo... YEEEEEEEEEEEE-OOOOO!~”

    Suddenly, something whizzed past his nose. The boy gasped and automatically dove underneath a table. “Wh-What the—?! Was that a wasp or something?!”

    He took out his ear-plugs, but instead of hearing the ominous buzzing sound, he heard screams and objects whistling through the air at impossible speeds, and guns being fired and plates being smashed...

    “...The heck...?!”
    “DEMYX!!!” someone screamed.
    “Larxene?!” the boy squeaked. One of the tables at the far-end of the kitchen as turned over. He could faintly make out her blonde antennae poking up from behind it. He could see Xigbar's bullets scattered all about, but if the Freeshooter was around, he was sure doing a better job at hiding than Larxene was. There was also a huge, dark-greenish stain on the wall next to Larxene's fort.
    “No – it's Elvis. YES it's Larxene! Now get over here if you wanna live! And stay DOWN!”

    The boy scrambled over all fours almost like a spider-monkey in Deep Jungle as the woman continued glancing around for signs of trouble. When he was finally relatively safe behind the table-fort, he whimpered, “Wh-What did you DO, Larxene?!”
    “I didn't do NOTHIN'!” the girl snapped, making Demyx wince even more.
    “Then how'd he get so angry?!”
    “Look, Demyx – all I did was inform the guy that Ramen noodles and blueberry syrup does NOT go together in Larxene land!”
    Demyx blinked, eyes wide. “R...Ramen noodles and WHAT, now...?”
    She sighed, shaking her head. “Just do NOT ask. Please.”

    Suddenly a plate crashed on the floor right beside them, and the two pressed themselves on the wall, looking scared stiff. “You little *****!” Xigbar ground out from the ceiling, a stack of plates held in his hand.
    “**** – he's on the ceiling again...” Larxene sighed.
    His red, puffy eyes made him sort of seem like he'd been crying recently. “I ****ing HATE you!!!”

    CRASH!

    Larxene was barely able to dodge that one. “Xigbar, you ******-***! STOP ACTING LIKE A WHINY ***** AND GET DOWN HERE!”
    “I don't think you're helping!” Demyx cried meekly.
    Larxene huffed angrily.

    “What are we supposed to do, though?!” Demyx cried, shielding his head from the rain of plates smashing all around them. Luckily, Xigbar was too upset to notice his aim was wildly inaccurate. “He won't listen to us!!!”
    Larxene smirked. “That's where YOU come in handy, dear Waterboi,” she giggled maliciously.
    “Wait – wha—AGHHH!!!”

    The boy gave a panicked squeal as the woman suddenly rushed up behind him and snatched him up by the hair, holding a fistful of kunai at his throat. She grinned up at Xigbar viciously. “Yo, Xig! Hold your fire or else the Waterboi won't live to make another composition!”
    Demyx gulped a bit. “L-Larxene, what are you—?!”
    Larxene tightened her grip. “Quiet, you...” she ground out between her teeth.

    There was silence for a while. Finally, Xigbar teleported to the ground, scowling. “Holding hostages? That's low, even for YOU, Larxene...”
    “Don't flatter yourself,” Larxene chuckled cordially as she shoved Demyx away. “I wasn't GOING to hurt the twerp. I just figured it'd be the only way I could get you down without frying your ass MYSELF.” She clicked her teeth together smartly, to emphasize her point.
    “Let's see you fry THIS!” Xigbar howled, flinging another plate at her.
    Larxene's instantaneous response to blast the plate to bits was more instinct than a conscious decision. She blinked as she realized just what'd happened, and growled angrily. “Why, you little—!”

    “No! Stop!” Demyx cried, scrambling between them. Suddenly, he took out a random, green hat with a light blue plume hanging off of the top, held it right below his chin, hunched over, and gave the cutest, saddest, most INNOCENT little pouty face the world has ever known. “C...Can't we all just get along...?” he whimpered softly.

    “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!~”

    Suddenly, Xigbar dropped all of the plates with a loud CRASH
    and rushed over to the blonde, immediately wrapping him up in an EXTREMELY uncomfortable hug, and squealed, “Awww – he's so CYUTE! 'Course we can get along, lil' dude!”
    “Y... Yay!” the boy squeaked as best as he could with Xigbar nearly squeezing him to death like that.
    Larxene blinked, and scratched the back of her head with a kunai, completely baffled. “What the... Weren't we in a bloodthirsty fight-to-the-death just a second ago...?” she wondered aloud.

    The two didn't have any time to respond, because in the next split second, Larxene found herself pinned on the wall by five VERY sharp spears with a strangled, “ACK!”
    Xigbar and Demyx gasped, and Xigbar immediately let the boy drop back to the floor harmlessly.

    Suddenly, a portal opened up in the room, and Xaldin stepped through, looking around anxiously. “What was that? Did I hear Demyx scream just now? What happened?”
    “XALDIN, YOU IDIOT!” Larxene roared like a feral beast. “Do you ALWAYS have to stab first and ask question later?!”
    “Apparently, yes,” the man replied, rolling his eyes and heading straight over to his precious Waterboy. He bent over and began examining his face for any bruises. “What happened? Are you hurt? She didn't hurt you or anything, did she?”
    The boy giggled pleasantly. “No, no, Xaldy – I'm fine. Really!”

    Larxene finally managed to pull herself away from the lances pinning her to the wall, and growled with anger. “Okay – I have had ENOUGH of this crap. Obviously, you guys are drinkin' some kinda PMS juice or somethin' today, so, as my pals, I'll let y'all off with a warning. But I wouldn't push my luck if I were you, the next time.”
    Xaldin rolled his eyes, and helped Demyx up so that he was giving the younger boy a piggy-back ride. “Wouldn't DREAM of it, Larxene,” he replied, knowing good and well that she'd NEVER try anything with him.
    The girl huffed, and portalled off.

    By the time the last wisps of darkness had gone, Luxord came back in the room, queasily rubbing his stomach. “Sorry that took so long, love...” the man sighed. “Couldn't find the bloody mouthwash... What'd I miss?” He blinked, looking around the wrecked kitchen. “… What the bloody hell…?!”

    “Long story short, Larxene came; she made fun of me; I got angry and started throwing things; Demyx popped out of nowhere; she held him hostage; he acted really cute; I stopped fighting; Larxene was confused; Xaldin stabbed her to the wall; she got mad and went off; and now they’re confused,” Xigbar answered helpfully.
    “Yup. That’s about it,” Demyx added.
    “Uh-huh.” Xaldin nodded.
    “Ah.”
    Xigbar sighed, rubbing his head. “All of this freakin’ excitement is giving me a ****ing headache, too. I need a drink…”

    He opened a portal to Port Royal, grinning at Luxord. “You comin’ with, Lux?”
    Luxord gaped at him. “A… A DRINK?! What the HELL, mate?! You’ve got a ****ing baby on board! You can’t drink alcohol!”
    Xaldin and Demyx shot each other confused glances as Xigbar tried to comprehend what Luxord had just said. “… No… RUM?!” he exploded. “Why the **** NOT, damn it?!”
    “Xigbar, think of our CHILD!” Luxord cried, standing his ground. “I know that nine months of rum will be a… a struggle, but—”
    “Nine months without RUM?! Oh, no. Oh HELL no!”
    “Xigbar, do you want our child to DIE?!” Luxord cried, exasperated. “Now, c’mon. I’ll fix you up with a milkshake if you want.”
    “B… But…! BUT!”

    With a pitiful wail, Xigbar threw himself on the ground, whining about how great rum was and how much he WANTED it, and how he’d freaking jump off a BUILDING if he didn’t get his rum, and… so on and so forth.
    “NO!” Luxord cried. “I am PUTTING my foot down, okay! I can handle the… ‘unique’ cravings, and the mood-swings, and even the rather painful kicks to the face, but THIS is where I draw the line!”
    “But I WAN’ it…!” Xigbar whined, basically a skip, hop, and jump away from bursting into tears. “C’mon, dude! The kid is practically gonna be freakin’ BORN with a rum bottle to his lips anyway!” The man clinged to Luxord’s foot, grinning nervously. “Why not just save ourselves the struggle of trying to be a good example?”
    “Be. Cause. We. Will. KILL it! No. No rum. End of discussion. Now, Xigbar, would you like Strawberry or vanilla?” Luxord chirped, changing the subject abruptly.
    “Awww…!” Xigbar groaned, slumping on the ground. He sniffled a bit. “Oh well… I guess I’ll have Vanilla… Ooh! Extra pickles, please?”
    “Er… Coming right up.”
    “And I want strawberry!” Demyx piped up, grinning, the entire, bizarre conversation apparently gone from his mind.
    “And I want an explanation!” Xaldin apparently wasn’t as distracted by the promise of the milkshakes.

    Luxord sighed, scooping the ice cream into tall, slender glasses. “All will be explained in due time, Xaldin – don’t worry yourself. Now… Which flavor do ya want?”

    ************************************​


    Xigbar lay on his back, staring at the ceiling. “So… I guess I really AM pregnant, huh…?” he asked softly.
    Luxord shrugged, smiling at him. “Well, it seems like it… You have all of the symptoms and things… It’s obvious! Why deny it any longer?”
    Xigbar sighed. “Yeah… I guess…” A pause. “So, uh… Who tops tonight?” he asked with a sly grin.
    Oh, **** yeah! Luxord was already getting hot at the very MENTION of a dominance fight. “Well, I AM your baby’s daddy…!~” he purred. “C’mon, luv – let’s not spoil the mood by puttin’ up a nasty ol’ fight…!~”
    Xigbar’s eyes flashed with malice. “Lux, you know good and well that I never give up a fight…”
    Luxord purred a bit, grinning slyly. “Just the way I like it…!”

    After a while of deep, hungry kisses and desperate touches, and even a bit of rough play, Xigbar suddenly sat up with a gasp, clutching his stomach. “OW! Luxord, you BAST—Have you FORGOTTEN that I’m with child here?! You can’t go punchin’ me in the pseudo-ovaries like that!”
    Luxord gasped as well. “S…Sorry, mate – I don’t know my own bloody strength, I suppose! Don’t even recall hittin’ you there—”
    Xigbar was pouting slightly right now. He folded his arms. “Luxord, I don’t think this is going to work…” he sighed.
    “W…Wait… I… Wha’… WHAT?! Wh-why NOT luv?!” Luxord shrieked. “I-I-I… We’ve already begun… But WHY NOOOT?!”
    “Duh, dude. It’s like, basic knowledge. To have sex, we have to have a dominance fight. Our dominance fights are WAY too rough, and the kid, or whatever, that’s inside of me will probably get, like, brain damage or… something. I ain’t no ****in’ *****, so it’s not like I’m just going to roll over and let you top me, but it’s not like I could expect you to do it, either… I mean, later on when I have, like, ACTUALLY, like, a huge stomach and stuff, and I’m trying to **** you… Yeah. That’d totally be awkward.”
    Luxord shuddered at the very thought.
    “Plus, it’s just no fun without a fight,” Xigbar finished.

    “S…So what are we going to do…?” Luxord whimpered.
    The Freeshooter shrugged, and began reading a magazine casually. “It’s simple. No sex.”
    Luxord was a skip, hop, and jump away from gouging his own eyes out. He sank down on the bed like a deflated balloon. “N…No SEX?! For how long?!”
    “Oh… Iunno, dude… Nine months or… however damned long it’s gonna take for this lil’ dude to finally drop out…”
    “But, love, that’s IMPOSSIBLE!!!” Luxord shrieked. “How the hell are we supposed to bloody SURVIVE?! How am I supposed to survive?! HOW?!?!”

    Wrong. Thing. To do.

    Xigbar was upon him in a second. “I can’t ****ing BELIEVE this!” he exploded suddenly. “I’M the one who’s having a ****ing baby right now – or have you forgotten that?!” He waved the magazine around mockingly. “Ohhhh, BOO-HOO! Luxord has to go nine months without sex!” His voice rose to an ear-piercing shriek that literally seemed to shake the rafters of the castle. “I HAVE TO GO NINE MONTHS WITHOUT SEX, TOO, YOU ****ING BABY! The only ****ing difference is that I’M not throwing a ****ing ***** fit about it like SOMEONE else in this room! And need I remind you that I am the one who has to have the ****ing baby in the FIRST place, you *******?! It’s all about YOU, isn’t it?! It's ALWAYS been about you!”

    “I’m sorry, luv – please calm down…” Luxord squeaked, fearing for his testicles. “Just please – calm down and come back to bed – I-I won’t mention it again.”
    “Damn straight you won’t…” Xigbar huffed, throwing down his magazine, and pulling the blanket up to his chin. He rolled over, and glared at the wall, smirking a bit as Luxord gave a small, heart-broken sigh, turned off the lamp beside his bed, and sank back under the blankets as well. THAT was for the rum, *****.

    Silence for a long while. Xigbar was about to nod off due to the eventful day, when Luxord asked out of nowhere, “Hey, um… Xigbar…?”
    “Hmmm…?”
    “… Just… to be certain… You’re not planning on breast feeding… Right…?”

    A sharp squeal as Xigbar’s foot “accidentally” planted itself in a rather sensitive area of Luxord’s body.

    ************************************​


    Xigbar woke with a start, his breathing raspy and irregular. “Oh, ****…” he gasped softly, stumbling out of bed as quickly as his sluggish mind would allow.
    Luxord stirred a bit. “Huh…? Xigbar? Where are ya off to, luv…?”
    Xigbar ignored him completely, rushing to the bathroom as fast as his legs could take him with his hand pressed to his mouth franticly. He kicked open the bathroom door, just barely making it to the toilet in time, and began retching dreadfully.
    Luxord winced slightly as he heard Xigbar’s hysterical gasping for breath and muttered, “Oh, God… Oh, God… Oh, God…” before another wave hit and he began spewing yet again.

    He climbed out of bed, stood by the door awkwardly, and knocked a bit. “Um… Ah… Xigbar…? You okay in there, luv…?”
    Another stomach-churning retch, and then a weak, “L…Luxord…? That you, dude…?” A cough.
    “Y…Yeah…” Luxord stepped inside, trying not to let the smell of vomit get to him. He was always admittedly kind of a lightweight, and sometimes it didn’t take much at all to make him start hurling. He was pretty sure that vomiting along with Xigbar wouldn’t help much, though. Since the blonde couldn’t imagine the smell being much better for Xigbar, he decided to turn on the vent. Then, as kind of an afterthought, he began rubbing Xigbar’s back. “It’s… It’s okay… Everything’s going to be okay, alright…?”

    Xigbar jerked away from him, frowning bitterly. “N…No…” he protested weakly. “You need to go. Like… Now, dude… I don’t want you to see me like this…”
    Luxord couldn’t help but crack a tiny grin at this. “What? Bent over a toilet puking your bloody guts out? I think you’re forgetting all of the times you’ve stumbled in from the bar, mate…”
    “Not LIKE that!” Xigbar insisted, wiping his mouth with a wad of toilet tissue. “… This is… different… At least, all of those times in the bar, it was worth it – more or less… At least, I could make a freakin’ choice, and every time the hangover could come around, I could say to myself ‘Ohhhh, Xigbar, you idiot, what were you thinking? You got wasted and ya have to pay the price’… But… THIS?! Why the ****ing hell do I have to DEAL with this?! I didn’t DO anything wrong – it was never my choice to have all of this crazy **** happen! Why do I have to go through all of this for a ****ing kid I didn’t even want to have?! A kid I SHOULDN’T have…?”

    Luxord sighed, and gently rubbed the older man’s back as he retched again, sobs racking his body. “****ing DAMNIT, Lux…!” he sniffled as he flushed the toilet. “I… I’m too old for this ****…! Damnit, for all we know, this kid won’t even ****ing come out right…! I… I don’t know how much of this I can take…”
    “Xigbar, listen to me,” Luxord interrupted, staring into the Freeshooter’s eyes. “Listen to me… you don’t have to do it all alone, okay…? I’ll be here with you every step of the way… And, luv, if anyone could pull this stunt off, it’s you. Screw your age – you are the strongest out of the two of us, okay?”
    Xigbar nodded weakly, and held onto Luxord tightly. “You really think so, dude…?”
    “I know so… Now, come on – if you’re strong enough to stand, I can help you over to the sink and we can brush your teeth, and then we'll go to bed…”
    “L…Luxord…? Thanks a lot, dude…”

    The Gambler of Fate grinned. “No problem… My baby’s momma.”
    Xigbar rolled his eyes and smiled.


    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Told ya. Eee-yup.

    ...I have to say, I'm not entirely pleased with this one. I kinda had to SQUEEZE it out instead of it just... flowing. Aaaand I might've gone over-board with some parts... It just isn't funny to me. then again, my own stuff rarely makes me laugh, so I'll just leave it for ya'll to decide.

    Also, yes. Before anyone asks, Xigbar was never planning to actually have sex with Luxord. He just led him on like that, and then faked the punch to the stomach so that he'd have an excuse to stop abruptly because... Ya know... He's a lil' beestird. XD I wouldn't count on the no sexin' thing, though. He'll probably hold out for about 2 day and then crack.

    But, I digress - no more fake sexin' scenes, okay? XD I promise. Or at least, I promise for now. X'DDD
     
  11. Chevalier Crystal Princess

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    Oh, this is too much xDDD

    I found myself laughing with everything in this....I hope you can actually continue this.
     
  12. 2Foxxie4U ~The Forgotten Crusader...~

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    The internet! Duh!
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    Yeah... If I'm not banned for it first. X'DDD
     
  13. Chevalier Crystal Princess

    Joined:
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    Oh noeeeesss...CTR is watching the thread. Nuuuuu....I think she might close it...or edit it.

    Well, I guess rules are rules. Hopefully you don't get banned or the story gets locked, but with so much...you know xD, it just might.
     
  14. 2Foxxie4U ~The Forgotten Crusader...~

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    Cursing? =3
     
  15. Chevalier Crystal Princess

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    Nope....guy-on-guy action? Yes.
     
  16. 2Foxxie4U ~The Forgotten Crusader...~

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    Well, it's not like there's a rule saying that I can't do that. ._.;

    People to hetero pairings all the time. Why can't I pick on yaoi and\or mpreg, as well? XD
     
  17. Catch the Rain As the world falls down ♥

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    Foxxie you muppethead, I'm not going to ban you for this, bloody hell.

    I loved it, it was very well written and you had me laughing most of the way through with the occasional awwwwww.

    Also, I'm not homophobic so why the heck would I edit it just because it is guy and guy? I have seen a million badly written SoraXKairi fics, and this tops all of them, so what if it is guyXguy?


    I will have to ask you to keep a check on your content to avoid it getting too out of hand, but at this stage the only thing I have to say is please continue to write~
     
  18. 2Foxxie4U ~The Forgotten Crusader...~

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    Your new name scares me for some odd reason...

    Anyways, thank you, Megatron! ;w; It's a pleasure and an honor getting a personal comment from you. And, don't worry. I am... fairly certian that this is as bad as it gets. X'DDD If I'm not banned by now, then I'm happy. Thank again, grl! ;w;
     
  19. Amber PLUR

    Joined:
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    Female
    320
    ...Crap, I forgot to comment on this. ^^;

    I meant to when I first read the update, I swear!

    Anyways, I laughed. I can't really pick out any one part that was funnier than any other part.

    Also, as for the graphic part? I've read worse... >>;
     
  20. 2Foxxie4U ~The Forgotten Crusader...~

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    The internet! Duh!
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    OH MAI.

    AMBER'S INTO THE RAUNCHY STUFF, YA'LL!

    *boot'd to the face* X.x;;;