Kingdom Hearts One-Shot - Love In A Bun

Discussion in 'Archives' started by Juicy, Oct 26, 2008.

  1. Juicy Chaser

    Joined:
    May 29, 2008
    325
    I officially LOVE inspiration that strikes out of nowhere.

    This is not my usual style, and the idea is nothing like what I would usually come up with.

    But then, I'm not your usual girl xD

    Tell me what you think :3

    This is set in an AU, btw.



    Love in a Bun





    “One burger and fries, coming right up ma’am,†Roxas mumbled into the speaker, his eyes half shut. He was sick of this job. So, so tired of working at Grease ‘n’ go. It had seemed like a good idea at first - an easy way to get money over the summer. But after a week of being surrounded by deep fryers and fat and demanding customers he all but wanted to storm out. Forget the manager. His sanity was on the line.

    Ruffling his soft blond hair, Roxas passed the impatient woman her meal and leaned back in his chair. Well, atleast he wasn’t cooking today. The smell of his clothes when he had got home yesterday had been unbelievable.

    “Hey! You! Wake up!†A loud voice interrupted his chain of thought. Glancing up, he saw Xigbar, his junior manager, waving a hand at him. Xigbar was mad; like always. He was making wild gestures with his hands, and giving Roxas the evil eye.

    “I am awake,†he grumbled, sitting up straighter, “and what is it?â€

    “You’re on tills now, boy.†Xigbar seemed intent on having Roxas’ seat, angling forwards hopefully.

    “Already?â€

    “Yes. Now go.â€

    Roxas got up hastily, almost tripping on the hem of his cloak. Grease ‘n’ go required its staff to wear long, black cloaks. It seemed ridiculous, and it was. Roxas was forever tripping up on the ends- and getting the many zippers stuck when he needed to use the bathroom.

    Launching himself towards the front counter and the till, he wiped his hands on a cloth. It was always hot in here, the kitchen constantly frying fast food for the customers. Roxas’ hands were clammy most of the time.

    Sitting down on a chair, he realised it was almost closing time and there was very few people about. An elderly couple sat in one corner eating chips. Three teenage girls perhaps a few years younger than him chatted quietly in the corner. A man with spiked red hair and tattoos on his cheeks lounged on a chair sipping a cola. That was it. Roxas expected tumbleweed to fly out of somewhere any second.

    Lifting a hand to turn on the cash register, Roxas yawned. It was going to be a long shift.

    Then she walked in.

    Roxas thought his jaw would completely lose contact with his face.

    She appeared in the doorway, all bright blue eyes and cute smiles. Her eyelashes were long and fluttered beautifully as she blinked. Dressed simply in white, she stuck out in the grimy interior of Grease ‘n’ go. The red walls seem to crowd in on her, her pale skin smooth and unique. Roxas stared without hiding it, entranced by that one girl. His teenage hormones were already racing, his heart thundering, his palms sweating. His lips were parted; dry. He licked them automatically.

    She was beautiful.

    “Hey,†she said softly, meeting Roxas in the eyes. His heart was thudding erratically under his cloak - he was sure it was audible to her. She smiled when he failed to respond, and giggled slightly. He snapped out of his stupor when he realised what he must look like.

    “Oh.. Erm.. Hi. I’m Roxas. What can I get you?†Straight back into business mode, though his body would tell people otherwise. She giggled again and pushed a loose strand of hair over her shoulder. Roxas’ stomach kept flipping over. Possibly more times than the burgers on the grill.

    “Hmm.. I’m gonna have.. A milkshake, a portion of chips... Can you get me extra helpings of ketchup?†She nodded to herself, ticking off things on her fingers. When she finished she looked up expectantly, and flashed a dazzling smile in his direction. Roxas felt his hands shake under the desk. Well. He was completely overcome with hormones.

    “Y-Yeah, sure.†What? Why was he stuttering? That hadn’t happened in years. Not since.. Well, that story could wait for another time. Right now his mind was awfully preoccupied.

    Conscious that he had to bend over, Roxas leant down to pick up sachets of ketchup while he shouted orders to the cooks. Looking around for a second, he noticed with surprise that the entire eating area was empty except for the girl and he. Not a single customer. Hmm. That was odd.

    While they waited for the food, Roxas rested his elbow on the counter and pretended to look away. Really he was staring at her from the corner of his eye, admiring her outrageously good looks. She was like an angel. His angel. He felt in his heart almost immediately that she must belong to him.

    “So erm…†He had felt a stupid urge to start a conversation, then realised he didn’t know her name. He blinked at her owlishly.

    “Naminé.†She stated simply, an adorable half-smile creeping onto her cheeks. Wow. Even her name was stunning. It suited her so well. Naminé. Naminé. He could say it all day.

    “That’s a good name,†Roxas found himself saying, his mouth almost moving by itself. He immediately regretted it. Why did he have to come out with such useless things?

    “Thanks, Roxas.â€

    Wow, someone apart from his own mother remembered his name. Even people like Xigbar always forgot. And Demyx, the crazy cleaner.

    Suddenly the food arrived in its bright containers, the milkshake swaying dangerously on a tray. Roxas took a hold of it and slid it along the surface of the counter towards Naminé. She took it carefully, then put it back down again.

    “The ketchup?â€

    “Oh. Right. Yeah.†Roxas said, and reached out to pass it to her. Their hands met briefly in the middle. Roxas’ heart jumped and his hand squeezed suddenly. Before he could stop it, he had grasped the ketchup sachets too tightly and they had broken, squirting everywhere. All around. All over his cloak and hands. All over his face. And all over poor, poor Naminé, her white dress ruined and her blushing cheeks alarmed.

    “Oh. My. God. Naminé.. I am SO sorry!†He squeaked, his voice reaching alarmingly high limits. He flustered for a while, shaking his arms, hoping she wouldn’t scream. She stood, mouth open, looking at her limbs and feet covered in sauce. She closed her eyes suddenly. Roxas prayed she wasn’t the screaming type. Not only would that mean he had no chance with her, he would also lose his job.

    Luck was in his hands. “Please. Just. Get this off me.†She said, her voice equally as quiet as it had been. She was flustered as well, and when she tried to wipe the ketchup off it got even worse, leaving trails of sauce all over her torso.

    “Quick, come with me to the bathroom!†Roxas whispered and took hold of her hand, leading her there. That had been a brave move on his behalf. His palms had been sweaty already, now they were practically dripping. Yes. How attractive he must look.

    Rushing into the toilet, Roxas started when he remembered how cramped it was in here. Grabbing paper towels, he handed them to Naminé, and took some more to run under water. Turning around, he was alarmed to find her standing very close, but noticed she couldn’t help it. They were caged in with the door shut, the room suddenly feeling very hot. She was mere inches away.

    “Here let me help you,†he said and started wiping the ketchup from her arms and shoulders. Her skin was smooth, despite it being hard to tell through the paper towels. He soon had one arm clean, followed by the other. He almost fainted when she leaned forward to wipe her legs. Bending forward in itself was not a good idea in a room of this size - Roxas was practically sitting in the sink now, his back against the bathroom tiles.

    “Is there any left?†She said, turning in a full circle. Roxas nodded, half hypnotised by her movements. She grimaced. “Can you get it off for me?â€

    “Erm…†He would have gladly obliged, except, well, the ketchup was all over her bum. He didn’t think Naminé would agree to him wiping that area clean right now.

    “Please? Roxas?†She pouted and mountains would’ve fallen for her. Roxas sighed noisily.

    “It’s..just.. Erm..there.†He pointed as subtly as he could. When he looked back at her face, she was a shade redder. Their faces were inches apart. They were so close, he could count every eyelash dancing over her eyes. Her bottomless eyes. A sea to drown in.. It was true, he could stay here forever.

    Whoa. That click in his heart. What just happened?

    She leaned closer, and their lips were moments away from meeting. Time seemed to slow. Oh how he wanted this moment to drag on forever. But at the same time he needed it to hurry up. He badly wanted to kiss her right this second.

    Time froze…

    .. Then restarted.

    “I-I guess we’re done then…†Naminé stammered and was suddenly out of the door, a flurry of white. Roxas remained inside, mouth once again agape. What..?

    Two seconds later and he was back behind the counter, looking for her.

    She was gone.

    His heart sank, falling into the pits of his stomach. She had left the discarded tray on top of the surface, money weighed down by her milkshake. Apparently she hadn’t wanted it. Nor wanted anything to happen between them.

    Sighing to himself, Roxas mindlessly wiped the counter down with a cloth. Over and over, back and forth. It helped him calm down. The irritating smell of greasy fast-food wafted into his nostrils once again, but he ignored it. He knew it was stupid to base this on one encounter, but he had felt a connection with Naminé. Almost as if something had been destined to happen…

    Now disappointment haunted his mind.

    Clearing away the tray and milkshake, he gathered up the money and moved to the cash register. Before he could put it in, however, two things fell out of his grasp from the bottom of the pile of money.

    Rolling his eyes at his clumsiness, Roxas closed the till and bent down to pick up whatever was on the floor. Two scraps of paper. Great. Actually.. They looked like paper towels.

    Flipping them over, his heart leapt and almost escaped his body. A warm, triumphant feeling spread through his veins.

    A phone number, written hastily. And on the other piece, a note.

    Sorry I left,
    Call me. ♥



    ‘Heh.’ Roxas thought, and suddenly he was upright, his teeth shining in the light and his hand raised happily.

    “Hell yes.†He murmured.

    Perhaps he wasn’t so unlucky after all.


    * * * * * * *


    Three days later, and Grease ‘n’ go was full again, like usual. Roxas sat in the restraunt, as usual, watching the customers wolf down their Kentucky Fried Goodness-knows-what and slurping their Cola’s. And, as usual, he was staring.

    Staring at the beautiful girl opposite him.

    They were hunched over their table, milkshakes in hand, gazing intently into the other’s eyes.

    God, he felt like the luckiest guy in the world right now.

    “Are you going to eat your food then?†She giggled, motioning to his burger. It sat untouched in front of him.

    “Erm.. Yeah.†He laughed nervously. “But first I need some ketchup!â€

    Naminé pretended to groan. “Be careful where you squeeze this time!â€

    They laughed together, and it was the best sound in the world. Roxas carefully took the top half off his burger and squirted a love heart in the middle before replacing the top.

    “Love in a bun.†He announced, a cheesy grin plastered on his face.

    “That’s so corny,†she said, and returned the smile. Roxas admired the blue halter-neck she had on today, completed by the silver necklace adorning her throat. She began to blush under the watchful stare of his eyes.

    “Now to eat it.†He said, and went to pick it up. But a cool hand touched his, stopping him. Naminé’s hand was over his.

    “You can’t. You’re lips are already busy.â€

    “They..Are..?†Roxas touched his lips gingerly with his free hand, but dropped it, confused. “What are you-â€

    Then he was cutoff by a pair of soft lips on his.

    When they broke apart a few minutes later, Roxas giggled. “Now that was corny.â€

    They walked away hand in hand, Roxas throwing his resignation onto the counter. Stuff the summer job. Stuff the money. Stuff everything.

    He was officially pre-occupied.



    ~~~


    <3

    With thanks to Roxas24Sora for inspiring me and being plain awesome.
     
  2. P E A N U T ~*~Never Surrender~*~

    Joined:
    Apr 25, 2008
    Location:
    Stranded.
    81
    This reminds me of my rp xD. Very cute! Good job as always. I'm always happy when you write something new.
     
  3. Roxas24Sora King's Apprentice

    Joined:
    Dec 31, 2007
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    NC, USA
    41
    412
    That was awesome...

    And I'm glad my love life helped you make this. ;)

    Thanks, and Kairi_girl_92....it is based on your RP! XD
     
  4. lolermee Traverse Town Homebody

    16
    165
    great job ows.
    i happy to see your still writing.
     
  5. Xuan Traverse Town Homebody

    6
    145
    Cute, and fits the actual world. Well, my country at least. It's just so freaking hard for the guys to ask the girls they like out! So the girls moved in instead~~
     
  6. Juicy Chaser

    Joined:
    May 29, 2008
    325
    hahaha thanks :3
    But see, its just as hard for girls to ask guys xD
     
  7. Destined Working for WDW

    Joined:
    May 6, 2007
    Location:
    Lost in the Rockies
    191
    I officially LOVE inspiration that strikes out of nowhere.

    This is not my usual style, and the idea is nothing like what I would usually come up with. < Trying something new, I'm interested

    But then, I'm not your usual girl xD

    Tell me what you think :3

    This is set in an AU, btw.



    Love in a Bun
    Interesting title...

    “One burger and fries, coming right up ma’am,†Roxas mumbled into the speaker, his eyes half shut. <General after dialogue, a new paragraph is created.

    He was sick of this job. So, so < I read this like he was only partially tired of working here, So is not always the best word to start a sentence. I feel that 'Roxas was' would work a little better. tired of working at Grease ‘n’ go. It had seemed like a good idea at first - an easy way to get money over the summer. But after a week of being surrounded by deep fryers and fat and demanding customers he all but wanted to storm out. Forget the manager. His sanity was on the line. <Interesting conflict, and humorous.

    Ruffling his soft blond hair, Roxas passed the impatient woman her meal and leaned back in his chair. Well, at least he wasn’t cooking today. The smell of his clothes
    when he had got home after yesterday had been unbelievable.

    “Hey! You! Wake up!†A loud voice interrupted his chain of thought. Glancing up, he saw Xigbar, his junior manager, waving a hand at him. HA Xigbar was mad; like always. He was making wild gestures with his hands, and giving Roxas the evil eye.

    “I am awake,†he grumbled, sitting up straighter, “and what is it?â€

    “You’re on tills now, boy.†Xigbar seemed intent on having Roxas’ seat, angling forward
    s hopefully.

    “Already?â€

    “Yes. Now go.â€

    Roxas got up hastily, almost tripping on the hem of his cloak. Grease ‘n’ go required its staff to wear long, black cloaks. I envisioned there being some big image on the cloak, like a heartless eating a burger or something It seemed ridiculous, and it was. Roxas was forever tripping up on the ends and getting the many zippers stuck when he needed to use the bathroom. <wow, uncomfortable image.

    Launching himself towards the front counter and the till, he wiped his hands on a cloth. It was always hot in here, (ovens, broken air conditioner? We know it's a resturant kitchen and is normally hot, add details to this)the kitchen constantly frying fast food for the customers. Roxas’ hands were clammy most of the time.

    Sitting down on a chair, he realised it was almost closing time and there
    was very few people about were only a handful of customers still eating. An elderly couple sat in one corner eating chips. Three teenage girls perhaps a few years younger than him chatted quietly in the corner. A man with spiked red hair and tattoos on his cheeks lounged on a chair sipping a cola. That was it. Roxas expected tumbleweed to fly out of somewhere any second. <I like this line, but i don't think it fits. Maybe if you were talking about the store just opening then maybe.

    Lifting a hand to turn on the cash register, Roxas yawned. It was going to be a long shift. <I thought you said that it was close to closing?

    Then she walked in.

    Roxas thought his jaw would completely
    lose contact withplummet? Tear? from his face.

    She appeared in the doorway, all bright blue eyes and cute smiles. Her eyelashes were long and fluttered beautifully
    as she blinked. Dressed simply in white, she stuck out in the grimy interior of Grease ‘n’ go. The red walls seem to crowd in on her, her pale skin smooth and unique. Roxas stared without hiding it, entranced by that one girl. His teenage hormones were already racing, his heart thundering, his palms sweating. His lips were parted; dry. He licked them automatically.

    She was beautiful.

    “Hey,†she said softly, meeting Roxas in the eyes. His heart was thudding erratically under his cloak - he was sure it was audible to her. She smiled when he failed to respond, and giggled slightly. He snapped out of his stupor when he realised what he must look like.

    “Oh.. Erm.. Hi. I’m Roxas. What can I get you?†Straight back into business mode, though his body would tell people otherwise. She giggled again and pushed a loose strand of hair over her shoulder. Roxas’ stomach kept flipping over
    . Possibly more times than the burgers on the grill.

    “Hmm.. I’m gonna have.. A milkshake, a portion of chips (are you refering to potato chips...or fries?)... Can you get me extra helpings of ketchup?†She nodded to herself, ticking off things on her fingers. When she finished she looked up expectantly, and flashed a dazzling smile in his direction. Roxas felt his hands shake under the desk. Well. He was completely overcome with hormones.

    “Y-Yeah, sure.†What? Why was he stuttering? That hadn’t happened in years. Not since.. Well, that story could wait for another time. Right now his mind was awfully preoccupied.

    Conscious that he had to bend over, Roxas leant down to pick up sachets of ketchup while he shouted orders to the cooks. Looking around for a second, he noticed with surprise that the entire eating area was empty except for the girl
    and he. Not a single customer. Hmm. That was odd.

    While they waited for the food, Roxas rested his elbow on the counter and pretended to look away. Really he was staring at her from the corner of his eye, admiring her outrageously good looks. She was like an angel. His angel. < Good He felt in his heart almost immediately that she must belong to him.

    “So erm…†He had felt a stupid urge to start a conversation, then realised he didn’t know her name. He blinked at her owlishly.

    “Naminé.†She stated simply, an adorable half-smile creeping onto her cheeks.

    Wow. Even her name was stunning. It suited her so well. Naminé. Naminé. He could say it all day.

    “That’s a good name,†Roxas found himself saying, his mouth almost moving by itself. He immediately regretted it. Why did he have to come out with such useless things?

    “Thanks, Roxas.â€

    Wow, someone apart from his own mother remembered his name (um....I thought Roxas technically didn't have a mother...) Even people like Xigbar always forgot. And Demyx, the crazy cleaner.

    Suddenly the food arrived in its bright containers, the milkshake swaying dangerously on a tray. Roxas took a hold of it and slid it along the surface of the counter towards Naminé. She took it carefully, then put it back down again.

    “The ketchup?â€

    “Oh. Right. Yeah.†Roxas said, and reached out to pass it to her. Their hands met briefly in the middle. Roxas’ heart jumped and his hand squeezed suddenly. Before he could stop it, he had grasped the ketchup sachets too tightly and they had broken, squirting everywhere.
    All around. All over his cloak and hands. All over his face. And all over poor, poor Naminé, her white dress ruined and her blushing cheeks alarmed.

    “Oh. My. God. Naminé.. I am SO sorry!†He squeaked, his voice reaching alarmingly high limits.

    He flustered for a while, shaking his arms, hoping she wouldn’t scream. She stood, mouth open, looking at her limbs and feet covered in sauce. She closed her eyes suddenly. Roxas prayed she wasn’t the screaming type. Not only would that mean he had no chance with her, he would also lose his job.

    Luck was in his hands. “Please. Just. Get this off me.†She said, her voice equally as quiet as it had been. She was flustered as well, and when she tried to wipe the ketchup off it got even worse, leaving trails of sauce all over her torso. <hmmm i thought she'd laugh but by having her annoyed it adds a goal for Roxas, to make her happy.

    “Quick, come with me to the bathroom!†Roxas whispered and took hold of her hand, leading her there. That had been a brave move on his behalf. His palms had been sweaty already, now they were practically dripping.
    Yes. How attractive I must look right now, he thought sarcastically.

    Rushing into the toilet (O.O into the toilet?! Try bathroom, or water closet...), Roxas started when he remembered how cramped it was in here. Grabbing paper towels, he handed them to Naminé, and took some more to run under water. Turning around, he was alarmed to find her standing very close, but noticed she couldn’t help it. They were caged in with the door shut, the room suddenly feeling very hot. She was mere inches away.

    “Here let me help you,†he said and started wiping the ketchup from her arms and shoulders.

    Her skin was smooth, despite it being hard to tell through the paper towels. He soon had one arm clean, followed by the other. He almost fainted when she leaned forward to wipe her legs. Bending forward in itself was not a good idea in a room of this size - Roxas was practically sitting in the sink now, his back against the bathroom tiles.

    “Is there any left?†She said, turning in a full circle. Roxas nodded, half hypnotised by her movements. She grimaced. “Can you get it off for me?†<I see conflict coming

    “Erm…†He would have gladly obliged, except, well, the ketchup was all over her bum. He didn’t think Naminé would agree to him wiping that area clean right now.

    “Please? Roxas?†She pouted and mountains would’ve fallen for her. Roxas sighed noisily.

    “It’s..just.. Erm..there.†He pointed as subtly as he could. When he looked back at her face, she was a shade redder. Their faces were inches apart. They were so close, he could count every eyelash dancing over her eyes. Her bottomless eyes. A sea to drown in.. It was true, he could stay here forever.

    Whoa. That click in his heart. What just happened? <ummm...what? This brings me out.

    She leaned closer, and their lips were moments away from meeting. Time seemed to slow. Oh how he wanted this moment to drag on forever. But at the same time he needed it to hurry up. He badly wanted to kiss her right this second.

    Time froze…

    ... Then restarted.

    “I-I guess we’re done then…†Naminé stammered and was suddenly out of the door, a flurry of white. Roxas remained inside, mouth once again agape. What..?

    Two seconds later and he was back behind the counter, looking for her. (was he out of breath chasing after her?)

    She was gone.

    His heart sank, falling into the pits of his stomach. She had left the discarded tray on top of the surface, money weighed down by her milkshake. Apparently she hadn’t wanted it. Nor wanted anything to happen between them.

    Sighing to himself, Roxas mindlessly wiped the counter down with a cloth. Over and over, back and forth. It helped him calm down. The irritating smell of greasy fast-food wafted into his nostrils once again, but he ignored it. He knew it was stupid to base this on one encounter, but he had felt a connection with Naminé. Almost as if something had been destined to happen…

    Now disappointment haunted his mind.

    Clearing away the tray and milkshake, he gathered up the money and moved to the cash register. Before he could put it in, however, two things fell out of his grasp from the bottom of the pile of money.

    Rolling his eyes at his clumsiness, Roxas closed the till and bent down to pick up whatever was on the floor. Two scraps of paper. Great. Actually.. They looked like paper towels.

    Flipping them over, his heart leapt and almost escaped his body. A warm, triumphant feeling spread through his veins.

    A phone number, written hastily. And on the other piece, a note.

    Sorry I left,
    Call me. ♥

    Hmm...if she had time to write this out, leave it, and completely vacate the resturant, then Roxas needs to take more than 2 seconds.


    ‘Heh.’ Roxas thought, and suddenly he was upright, his teeth shining in the light and his hand raised happily.

    “Hell yes.†He murmured. < Awesome

    Perhaps he wasn’t so unlucky after all.


    * * * * * * *


    Three days later, and Grease ‘n’ go was full again, like usual. Roxas sat in the resturant, as usual, watching the customers wolf down their Kentucky Fried Goodness-knows-what and slurping their Cola’s. And, as usual, he was staring.

    Staring at the beautiful girl opposite him.

    They were hunched over their table, milkshakes in hand, gazing intently into the other’s eyes.

    God, he felt like the luckiest guy in the world right now.

    “Are you going to eat your food then?†She giggled, motioning to his burger. It sat untouched in front of him. <is he on break? Are they on a date? I'm confused.

    “Erm.. Yeah.†He laughed nervously. “But first I need some ketchup!â€

    Naminé pretended to groan. “Be careful where you squeeze this time!â€

    They laughed together, and it was the best sound in the world. Roxas carefully took the top half off his burger and squirted a love heart in the middle before replacing the top.

    “Love in a bun.†He announced, a cheesy grin plastered on his face.

    “That’s so corny,†she said, and returned the smile. Roxas admired the blue halter-neck she had on today, completed by the silver necklace adorning her throat. She began to blush under the watchful stare of his eyes.

    “Now to eat it.†He said, and went to pick it up. But a cool hand touched his, stopping him. Naminé’s hand was over his.

    “You can’t. You’re lips are already busy.â€

    “They..Are..?†Roxas touched his lips gingerly with his free hand, but dropped it, confused. “What are you-â€

    Then he was cut off by a pair of soft lips onhis.

    When they broke apart a few minutes later, Roxas giggled. “Now that was corny.†yes it was, but it fit.

    They walked away hand in hand, Roxas throwing his resignation onto the counter. Stuff the summer job. Stuff the money. Stuff everything.

    He was officially pre-occupied. good ending. Didn't fully drag on, and the last line was a good resolve.
     
  8. Juicy Chaser

    Joined:
    May 29, 2008
    325
    Thankyou Shades.


    I can see some of the obvious mistakes I've made with reference to the time, giving Roxas a mother, and not being clear on what is happening O_O I might edit a little.

    Some of the language in the story such as "portion of chips".. well, I forget that most people who read this will be American and so chips to them will be my crisps etc. I should have called them fries I guess.

    By the way, compliements that you gave me mean a lot xD

    Thankyou.
     
  9. Destined Working for WDW

    Joined:
    May 6, 2007
    Location:
    Lost in the Rockies
    191

    I assumed that you were refering to england when you stated chips and toilet. Other's might not, that's why i brought those to your attention.

    Glad I could help.
     
  10. Advent 【DRAGON BALLSY】

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2007
    Gender:
    Overcooked poptart
    523
    I liked it a lot. The imagery worked well enough to establish the setting nicely and you use figurative language pretty well. I would have actually liked to see some of the other Organization members have a larger roll, but I realize it was supposed to be a shorter fic. Nice job. 8D