Spam Wars

Discussion in 'Archives' started by Destined, Jan 6, 2009.

  1. Destined Working for WDW

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    A long time ago, in a spam zone far, far away...

    Spam Wars
    A Noob Hope


    It is a period of civil war. The KHV Rebel Alliance, striking from a hidden base have won their first victory against the KHI Empire.

    During the battle, Google spiders managed to steal secret plans to the Empire’s ultimate weapon, the BAN HAMMER, an armored button with enough power to ban any user forever.

    Pursued by the empire’s sinister super moderators, Administrator CTR races home aboard her starship, custodian of the stolen plans that can save her people and restore freedom to the interwebs….

    The Creativity Corner reflected a magnificent beauty as the twin suns of Original Works and Literature blazed brightly, giving the world a feeling of unrelented life. All around, different remote sections awoke and went about their diverse cultural duties as another day greeted their banks. However on this morning, something floated in the just on the outer edges of the Interests Section. The small object grew larger as it streaked across cold space, fighting to avoid the scarlet ribbons of destruction spewing from the weapons level of an Insider-class Destroyer.

    The Destroyer peppered the space surrounding the shuttle, every targeting program competing to land the perfect blow that would cripple the starlight engines. As the small shuttle rocketed away, about to clear the Creativity Corner, a crimson beam passed through the collapsing shields and struck the hard durasteel, severing the controls to the engines. All at once, the escaping shuttle turned into a lifeless slab of metal, listing slowly to port.

    Warning beacons burst to life inside as crew men and infantry men and women raced to safe life support systems and prepare for the inescapable boarding. Another explosion rocked the ship, sending a momentary burst of darkness through the ship as those onboard held a collective breathe, unsure if it would be their last. As the interior hallway lights returned, the lighting danced off the golden frame of an early model German crafted protocol droid and a small squattier astromech droid.

    “They’ve locked us inside of the tractor beam! We’ll be banned for sure!” T-3CO chided to the smaller droid as two infantry men pushed their way by the droids, carrying an oversized repeating turboblaster.

    SORA-13 whistled softly as it took in the upcoming scene. Men and women barked orders, demanding every conceivable area surrounding the docking door covered with every gun from the onboard Armory. His head swiveled ninety degrees, seeing a brief movement down a corridor leading to the engine room and Escape Pod Bay. As nimble as it could, the droid wheeled backwards and began rolling down the corridor. T-3CO turned as the ship jolted and the smell of scorched Natrona filled the hallway as the ship docked within the massive Destroyer. “Where do you think you are going?!” He demanded as 13 raced away.

    T-3CO’s golden body ducked under the bulkhead as the docking door burst apart, raining burning debris and smoke into the ship as Spamtroopers spewed from the Destroyer. The air instantly erupted with the hissing of energy as emerald and ruby bolts crises crossed enemy lines to pierce friend and foe alike. As the hallway filled with the burning stench of death, T-3CO stared down the suddenly deserted corridor.

    “13?” He whispered, hearing the metallic worry in his own voice echo down the empty corridor.

    An electronic beep drew the Germanic droids attention as a silhouette pasted deeper in the shadows. T-3CO began to reel backwards as the outline of 13 coasted beneath a flickering light display. “13!!! Where do you think you are going? They are heading this way! We’ll be destroyed for certain. Sent to the Spice Mines for sure. Wait a minute, that’s the Escape Pod Bay, you aren’t permitted in there!”

    13 rolled onward as the sounds of war beckoned from the only other path. “You are going to get me permabanned.”

    3CO followed nervously behind as 13 maneuvered its way through the fallen debris and into a cone shaped escape pod. As the blast doors locked into place, the faint outline of a slender human raced by the tiny view screen, followed by the glowing blue pulse waves of a stun blast. The figure crumpled to the deck as three silver clad Spamtroopers surrounded the body while the escape pod jettisoned from the wounded ship, 3CO swore on his golden photoreceptors that he had glimpsed a lock of auburn hair flowing from beneath a white hood. He couldn’t be sure as the escape pod rocketed toward the Creativity Corner surface below…

    Spamtroopers and KHV infantry corpses lined the smoke filled hallway warzone, assessing injuries as those taken prisoner marched two by two under the watchful eye of blasters. A slow, mechanical breath descended upon the prisoners as they rounded an intersection coming face to face with a group of Spam Commandos and the infamous black body armor clad Dark Lord of the Spam, Darth Renegade sustaining the struggling Captain in mid-air.

    “My Lord, the Ban Hammer plans are not in the main computer hardlines.” The voice of one Spamtrooper announced, causing the captain to struggle even more.

    Darth Renegade turned slowly, his helmeted head freezing the blood of the Captain. “Where are those visitor message’s you intercepted? What have you done with those plans?” He demanded, motioning his hand higher as the Captain’s body struggled even more.

    “We—intercepted no transmissions—ugh—this is a---we are on a diplomatic mission. The only incoming---data was a Rick Roll.”

    “LIES! If this is a diplomatic mission, where are the Administrators?” Renegade roared, flinging the Captain against the forward compartment bulkhead, severing his spine as the prisoners watched horrorstruck.

    Renegade turned, fire flashing behind his covered eyes. “Tear this ship apart until you find those plans, I will…question the other’s onboard.”

    As Renegade turned to return to his Destroyer, a platoon of Spamtroopers hailed him from the rear hallway. With them, was the shackled form of Administrator CTR. She wore a rebellious smirk as she stood before the Dark Lord. “Darth Renegade. Only you could be so bold. The Moderator Senate will not sit still for this. When they hear that you have attacked a diplo—“

    “Do not act so surprised, Kay. You weren’t on any mercy mission this time. Several visitor messages were beamed to your ship by KHV spies. I want to know what happened to the plans they sent you.”

    Kay smiled. “The cake is a lie. I’m a member of the KHV moderators on a diplomatic mission to KH Dimension.”

    “You are part of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor. TAKE HER AWAY.” He roared.

    As CTR walked through the doorframe, Lt. Jube cleared his throat. “Holding her is dangerous, it could put us in the wrong light and add sympathy for the KHV rebellion.”

    “We have traced the Google Spiders to her, now she is my only link to finding their secret base.”

    Jube hesitated. “She will die before she tells you anything.”

    “Leave that, to me.”

    “Lord Renegade!” General Daxma curtly walked forward a look of failure on his face. “The plans aren’t here. Plus they haven’t sent out any visitor messages of any kind. However an escape pod was jettisoned during the heat of the battle. It’s possible that the plans could have been stowed onboard.”

    “General, send a battalion of troopers to the Creativity Corner to recover that escape pod. See to it personally.” The General nodded and vanished deeper inside the crippled ship. “There will be no one to stop us this time.”
     
  2. Catch the Rain As the world falls down ♥

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    This is actually really awesome D:

    *makes mental note to avoid Renegade* O_O;
     
  3. Shuhbooty moon child

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    Spamtrooper.. omg that's magical.

    And Gade.. the Leader of the cause, lol. xD

    This is was so entertaining, and humorous that, ugh I just love it.
    You left wild images in my head. Excellent work.
    LOVE IT!
    <333333333
     
  4. Doukuro Chaser

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    Darth Renegade xD

    You must of gotten really bored.

    I like your boredom Dx


    RUN CTR!!!
     
  5. Scott Pilgrim Banned

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    I love this! This is by far my favorite piece of work I have seen from anyone, for obvious reasons. I can't wait to see more! Darth Renegade...has a nice ring to it.
     
  6. MadDoctorMaddie I'm a doctor, not a custom title!

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    This has got to be one of the best things I've read in weeks.
    Pleasepleasepleaseplease continue!
    And if you do: Can I be part of Red/Rogue Squadron? Pleasepleaseplease?
     
  7. Destined Working for WDW

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    Hehe, just wait, there are a few more surprises in store. And Yes, this will be continued. This was only the first scene.
     
  8. Repliku Chaser

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    Ah hah hah! This is just great. Keep it going!
     
  9. Soap Hollow Bastion Committee

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    i love it.
    "the only message we got was a rick roll"
    hahaha.that's funny right there.continue.this is great stuff.
     
  10. Maka Albarn It's called love

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    lol! This story made my day. Woooo... you have a big imagination and you're very creative too. Nice story! Keep it up, I want to read more of it! :D
     
  11. Firekeyblade Hollow Bastion Committee

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    As soon as I read the first paragraph I couldn't stop laughing and had to stop reading to calm down before continuing. :D You're a fantastic writer. I can't wait for the 2nd part.
     
  12. Xaale Sylph of Hope

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    I demand to know where I am in this story.

    Nice job, Shades, I'm keeping an eye on this for more updates xD
     
  13. Firefly Hollow Bastion Committee

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    ROFLMAO!!!
    The intro was hilarious, and then I couldnt stop laughing
    Awesome to hear you'll write more XD
     
  14. Juicy Chaser

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    xD That was pretty damn epic.

    Darth Renegade is a meanie D: xD
     
  15. Destined Working for WDW

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    Words swirled across the tattered dunes of dead threads as the escape pod rocketed across the harsh ground, coming to rest at the mouth of a sprawling ravine. Mechanical parts littered the surrounding area as the pod doorway broke apart. T-3CO and SORA-13 unentangled themselves from the twisted wreckage as the Twin Sections baked the ground. “Way to go genius. We went from one calamity and into a death trap. It appears as though I was made to suffer.â€

    SORA-13 whistled sympathetically, to no avail. “I have to rest before my gyroprocessors malfunction.†T-3CO chided as the two crested a dune. Surveying the expansive desert with not but silence to greet them. “What a desolate place this is.â€

    SORA-13 rocked back and forth upon his tri wheels, swiveling his dome as his sensor array input a series of coordinates. T-3CO turned and watched as the smaller droid began to speed away toward the ravine. “Wait, where do you think you are going? That way looks much too dangerous. This way is less rocky and will serve as a faster approach to civilization I can assure you.†He swung a golden arm to the west, towards open desert.

    SORA-13 rocked his dome again, emitting a series of beeps and whirls. T-3CO shook his golden head. “What is this mission you keep squabbling on about? What mission, what plans? You know what, go that way. You will be malfunctioning within a day you overzealous Made in America machine.†He stated with finality, and began shuffling his way into the swirling brainstorm. “I’ve had enough of your American bravado. No more adventures.†He stated as his reflective body disappeared into the awaiting grasp of the planets elements.

    ***
    Hours stretched on as the countless kilometers blended upon miles beneath T-3CO’s feet as the brainstorm moved northeast, having left his golden frame covered in a film of dust and sand. Rising from the sand, rose the carcass of a long dead Organizationgoesto, it’s body decayed to the point of only hollow bones. “That…damn yankee. He tricked me into going this way. Well, he will have no better.â€
    As he stated this, from off in the distance, a blinding flash drew his attention. The object shimmered as the faint outlines of a transport inched its way across the desert floor. T-3CO flung his arms madly in the air, raising the audio output to 11. “OVER HERE!!!†His voice roared as he desperately flailed his mechanical arms about.

    To his relief, the transport shifted direction slightly, apparently preparing to help the lonesome escapee. As the transport grew closer, T-3CO’s jubilance turned to dread as the metal hulk creaked nearer. The faint clip of a weapon firing was all the warning T-3CO had before his world instantly shut down.

    ***

    The burning intensity of the Twin Sections dropped below the horizon line, throwing a beautiful motif of reds and oranges across the dusk sky as the black emptiness of space waited to take center stage. SORA-13 rolled on wards; bouncing and sinking as his wheels struggled across the uneven ravine floor as the Twin Sections rays vanished, dropping the ravine into near darkness. A pencil thin beam of light burst from 13 as he struggled to follow the path his internal projection system was mapping out.

    As he traveled deeper, he couldn’t help shake the feeling that no matter where he turned, eyes would be constantly monitoring his progress. In a distant forked path, a small landslide of boulders toppled end over end, the collision echoing down the fork and radiating against the ravine walls. SORA-13 paused, sweeping the path again, unsure if his circuits were playing with his motherboard. A burst of movement off to the right was followed by an eruption of steam as a small metallic object plunged through the front of 13’s metallic casing, affixing itself to the motherboard and quickly shutting down all operational servers.

    Coders hooted with glee as they set to work lugging the droid toward the distant outline of their Codebreaker. As they drew near, the hooded outline of EvilMan_89 gazed down from the open boarding ramp, his eyes racing as he calculated the net worth the droid would equal, and what hacking tools would be within reach. He smiled as a fellow coder stepped forward, removing the hackor and instilling a restraining bolt atop the whole. Another coder positioned the turbolift coupling around the droid and signaled the all clear. Moments later, the droid hovered into the awaiting grasp of the Codebreaker cargo hold while the Codebreaker trudged forward, into the oncoming night.

    Old droids and broken computer monitors littered the hold as those droids still functional swarmed around the newest prisoner. Each droid appeared to be second rate, most missing limbs or adorning a faded or rust covered body. Before SORA-13 could fully analyze his surroundings, a cheer of glee erupted through the hold. T-3CO stood next to a support beam waving wildly. “It is you! I thought I’d be played the fool alone, but you did to. Wonderful! “

    A questionable chirp caused T-3CO to shake his head. “No I was not captured, I bartered for travel aboard this craft.â€

    A long stream of whistles streamed out, sounding like laughter. “They put this restraining bolt on for show, it’s like a droid tattoo you overweight glob of grease.†Annoyed as he was, T-3CO knew without a doubt, that he would be unable to convince his long time friend. Try as either might, the two were firmly residents board the Codebreaker, unsure of what their road may lead to…

    While the Codebreaker crossed the desert, a swarm of analysis droids and Spamtroopers canvassed the crash site, picking apart and cataloguing every piece of debris they were able to uncover. As the morning suns began to warm the planet, General Daxma couldn’t help but squirm as he brushed a cloth against his head, trying to ebb the flow of sweat into his eyes. In all his years serving with Darth Renegade, never had he been thrown into a more demeaning yet necessary role. He watched as Dewgongs and Spamtroopers patrolled the area, keeping tabs on the indigenous species and steering away any potential curious eyes.

    “General, I believe that we have found something.†One trooper announced, bringing Daxma’s full attention to the object in the troopers hands.

    “Is that…a comb?â€

    “Yes sir…you told us to comb the desert. I wasn’t sure if you were being too literal so I went with it.†The trooper responded.

    Daxma blinked, unsure if the remark was a retort or a confused statement. He shook the thought from his mind. “What have you found?â€

    The trooper lead the way toward a small section of sand a handful of meters due south of the escape pod. The trooper stooped down and lifted up a small i-ring. “We can’t be sure, but it would appear that this i-ring is part of an early model astromech droid. If that is the case, then there was a droid inside of this escape pod.â€

    Daxma smiled. Even in the unbearable climate, victory could be gained. “Very good trooper, I will inform Lord Renegade at once.â€

    “There’s more sir. We can’t be sure why it is here, but it appears as though there was a small object buried a few meters to the north of the crash site. It seems to resemble some kind of an ancient metal blade.â€

    Daxma’s eyebrows knit. “An ancient blade? What does it look like?â€

    The trooper shrugged. “It resembles a giant key. Like it’s been fashioned into a weapon, however we also discovered two more.â€

    Daxma waved his hand to silence the trooper. “An ancient burial ground or a heroic tribute does not interest me. I will return aboad the destroyer and will send another platoon of troopers. Set up checkpoints inside of the nearest settlements. I want these droids captured in case the desert doesn’t destroy them.â€
     
  16. Maka Albarn It's called love

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    Heh, awesome chapter. XD I like this story a lot. Keep up the good work. It always makes me smile when I read it.
     
  17. xanthae Merlin's Housekeeper

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    it is well written and is hilarious 'spamtroopers' best thing i've read all day!
     
  18. MadDoctorMaddie I'm a doctor, not a custom title!

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    I liked the comb-joke too ^^
    And the Coders as Jawas XD
    This is soooo funny!​
     
  19. Scott Pilgrim Banned

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    Spamtroopers is the funniest term ever. Very well written. I can't wait to read more of this from you.
     
  20. DarknessKingdom The Kingpin of the TV

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    I'll never cross Renegade ever again.

    xD