Any good? *NOT FOR THE SQUEAMISH*

I was messing around on MSN with one of my friends and we started making a horror story together, I just wanted to know whether it was any good or not?? It's like the end of a story tho, so we'd have to make up a new one. I guess you could call this a 'taster' =D

WARNINGS
NOT FOR THE SQUEAMISH- CONTAINS BLOOD, GORE, BRAINS AND VOMIT.

***

It turns toward you, ugly, twisted features contorting and retracting , repelling you and disgusting you. You try not not be sick; but to no avail... it is far too disgusting. What is this foul creature? you want to think, but instead you find yourself wondering if it can see you.. and it can, and as it turns and slithers toward you you can smell a stench so bad it is an effort not to vomit again.
Later, you lie on the ground, and look at the blood surrounding your broken body. What has happened? you wonder. Is this all I am made from? Is it that easy to tear me apart, and to allow me to truly see myself? You turn to look at the creature; it's exhausted, and in sudden hope that you can save your land you ignore the blood and guts spilling from your veins and arteries, and draw your silver dagger.
Thrusting it foward, you drive it into the creatures left eye. It screams, recoiling and whipping its head from side to side, crimson blood spraying from its eye. You somehow pick yourself up and stagger away. It can still smell you. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. you feel it coming closer, closer hissing with rage...
Giving a strained battlecry, you plunge it deep into the creature's skull. You feel it hit bone, and an excruciating wail fills your ears, and a terrible pain tears through your gut. You can only watch as its brains slop onto the cold stone and everything begins to fade. The creature lunges for you guts lying on the floor, and looks you in the eye as it consumes them with apparant pleasure.

***

EDIT Please vote and/or comment, I'd like to see the reaction.

 

This is in general very simple. No description beyond what is absolutely necessary to keep the story moving more or less and you use simplified language for much of this. Words like "guts" and such are generally very conversational and shouldn't be used in writing which is a more formal medium in general. Which brings me to the small fact that you cannot bleed innards as you would have us believe based on this excerpt, "blood and guts spilling from your veins and arteries." Overall this reads more like a light novel than anything else. This is not necessarily good or bad, just fact. I don't know why you write or how much you care so I won't go much further than this.

 

Okay then, lets try re-writing that with some extra words from my delightful vocabulary ;)

***

It turns toward you, ugly, twisted features contorting and retracting , repelling you and disgusting you. You try not not be sick; but to no avail... it is far too disgusting. What is this foul creature? you want to think, but instead you find yourself wondering if it can see you.. and it can, and as it turns and slithers toward you you can smell a stench so bad it is an effort not to vomit again.
It tosses you on to the ground; it's playing with you, and its intentions are malicious. You draw yourself to your feet and sway there while it slides over the cool stone, ever closer. Its repulsive head and bulging yellow eyes look at you; it seems to be evaluating your worth as a meal.
It stretches its formidable mouth wide to tear a hole into the weak flesh of your stomach. You sink to the ground, unable to breathe as you feel yourself silpping.
You lie on the ground, and look at the blood surrounding your broken body. What has happened? you wonder. Is this all I am made from? Is it that easy to tear me apart, and to allow me to truly see myself? You turn to look at the creature; it's exhausted, and in sudden hope that you can save your dying land you ignore the blood spilling forth from the terrible wound, and draw your silver dagger.
Thrusting it foward, you drive it into the creatures left eye. It screams, recoiling and whipping its head from side to side, crimson blood showering from its mutilated eye. You somehow pick yourself up and stagger away. It can still smell you. The hairs on the back of your neck creep up. you feel it coming closer, closer hissing with rage...
Giving a strained battlecry, you plunge it deep into the creature's armoured skull. You feel it hit bone, and an excruciating wail fills your ears, and a terrible pain tears through your stomach as you collapse. You can only watch as its brains slop onto the cold stone and everything begins to fade. The creature lunges for your glistening entrails steaming on the floor, and looks you in the eye as it consumes them with apparant pleasure.
***

Any better? o.0

 

Different. Wider use of vocabulary, but overall it's the same thing. It's definitely not my cup of tea. However, I don't really think it's technically bad for what it is, I never really did.