What are you doing back here in the Original Work section, What? I assumed we had ridden ourselves of your disgusting presence when we gave you that block of old cheese. No, no, What?. Please do not post one of your horrible stories again. We already had to clean the carpet before. Aw, What?. Someone retrieve the doggie bag. --- The man, he sat in front of me. At least, I assumed he was a man. The man. The Man. What was this man doing in front of me, I was not necessarily sure. In fact, this “The Man” was the only object I was absolutely sure was standing directly in front of me. Or maybe only to an extent of which I can be sure he was standing directly in front of me. Everything else was not a blur or a blank space; it simply was not there. What in the world is a “blur” or “blank space” in the first place? An empty void? I would assume. No, assuming he was directly in front of me would be an incorrect assumption. Are incorrect assumptions even possible? I would only assume of my own self, perpetual and in a state of incoherent thought. I would sense him in front of me, using what vision I had left. I would not be sure whatsoever. Thinking of something with the context of “sure” would be ridiculous, why would this be “sure” and “unsure”? Are “sure” and “unsure” even words used in that proper context? And then, that man, the “The Man”, spoke to me. At least, I assumed it was speaking. I would not assume what speaking would be, but I would think of – or rather assume – speaking to be an expression of the vocal sort. Although, of course, I had no idea what a “vocal” was. I would assume a species of cake. Boy was I yearning for a “hunger”. “Hello.” Wait, was it even a “hello” I heard, or a simple assumption? I had hoped this “The Man” had assumed a degree of contact with my own sure self, and although I would assume this “The Man” does not exist and is simply an assumption of and within my own brain, I would be sure of these translatable senses. Although I would only assume these senses, yet again. Perhaps he may not be speaking to me at all – he was certainly a very fuzzy image. “Hello?” There was that “hello”, yet again. What was this “hello” in the first place? Maybe a sort of introductory greeting, I would assume. But the word itself is quite strange. Do words even count as physical manifestation, with physical property and physical matter? I would assume; these “hello” of his appear to be digging into my existence, searching for whatever a “reply” must be. What is a reply? “Oh dear. It does not appear to be responding whatsoever. Too much individual thought.” What? Assuming he is in a state of shock, what is going on with him? Would I assume him to hold a re-assurance over my physical matter? Does he know I do in fact exist and he himself appears to be only a logical assumption of my own existence and brain matter – coagulated into a derelict form from shattered pieces of sense and image? And then, what is this? I do not understand. The “The Man”, he, I am assuming, appears to be retrieving another object of sort. I would assume, anyhow. It may not as well be some sort of object, but in fact an assumption of what I perceive to be a physical manifestation of “object”? Now, now, now now, this feeling, what is this feeling? This feeling I do not know. It appears to deny my existence. What, I would assume, no, assume, why would I assume? I should stop assuming and listen, no assume, no assume, no assume, please stop this assumption why are these no assumptions blank please assume no.
Hm. This is good, I must say, but your wordiness is quite off-putting. I know that the formal approach is quite your style to take when writing - whether it be in a conversation, a post, or prose - but in this piece, it seems like you have put too much icing on the cake, so to speak. Perhaps this is just my own opinion, because please, don't get me wrong, the concept behind the supposed writing is quite good, as it makes the reader think, and at times, double-read certain sentences. I would just suggest not flaring your sentences and paragraphs up with too many complex terms and wordiness. As I said. Good concept, but slightly better execution. But then again, this is just my personal opinion. [: <3
I was about to agree with Emzy... until I reached the end. The extensive verbosity throughout intensifies the impact of its apparent collapse in the final sentence. What simultaneously bothers and appeals to me is the vagueness of this little blurb. It's open to interpretation, but perhaps too much; yet I, personally, like "too much" in that instance. Suffice to say, it was enjoyable, and if it fails that in another's eyes, it's definitely thought-provoking. Well done.
On the contrary, I really enjoy the formal and complicated sentences that your work usually entails. .. wow, this got me thinking. Refreshing and thought provoking as usual. I was getting a sort of.. robotic image in my head. As if the narrative was a robot newly awaked and trying to come to terms with the impact of sudden life. Or maybe my perspective is crazy. xD
This was alright. Better than your past work, but I'd still not call this exactly the most desirable result. My first and only issue with this is that your syntax becomes, at times, broken and fragmented a little too much towards the start. I'd keep the grammar and structure more on the by-the-book side at the beginning. I understand that it is supposed to be first person narrative but, as it is, the difference between the start and the end isn't enough to fully show the character's progress in thought process in my opinion. This is because I feel that a slower shift from rational to overwhelmed would better suit the passage. This is purely opinion, obviously, and can be disregarded at your discretion. I didn't really like it overall though. It just felt like it was trying too hard to be thought provoking and philosophical. It's impossible to write anything shorter than a full book on solipsism and the like without seeming like a dilettante. But whatever, maybe this isn't to my taste is all.
I have been trying to work around different writing styles and narrative devices for a while; as such, this piece, with its elegant verbose, is completely experimental. The narrative dealt, or at least attempted to deal, with this sense of grammatical "flaring up". Thank you for the advice, however. I honestly believed the ending was a wee bit rushed; although I must appreciate your view on the entire piece. It would certainly come together in a general way. The formal and complicated sentences, I would have to say, are not always a constant - they are indeed there in my work, but they are either toned down to suit the work, or in the case of this experiment, shifted to a higher degree. Or that is the subject matter I am attempting to experiment with. And I would find your perspective quite interesting. Understandable. It would not necessarily be an easy task to represent a progression of rationality to generic overwhelming with something as presumably short as this. I will have to agree over the fact - and it is clearly evident - that this story holds certain philosophical and thought provoking views. However, I have to say this is most likely evident in most of my work - albeit in this specific tale it is much more focused upon and used as a sort of divergence point for interpretation. Once again, this tale was rather experimental. Although I can see now where I may falter with this prose, for that I thank you. Anyhow, thank you all for your comments and advice over this passage. I can now sleep without a candle by my side tonight.
I actually enjoyed this. I like the narrative to it. It was thought provoking and left mainly up to interpretation, which I like because it gives the reader a more interactive experience and gets the mind working unlike most works that are meant plainly to be absorbed. Great job, can't wait to read more from you. :3
