As some members know, I have a heart condition. For the longest time, I've wanted to use this in a story--and I am writing an actual novel about it--but I felt as if I should share this with you guys. I like to think I've evolved since my first story, so I'm hoping for feed back. This paticualr story came to me in a sudden flash, about a girl's journey through her condition, life, and death. I really hope you enjoy, because it comes from the heart. Dedications: First off, my skype buddies (Ol' Sephy, Maggy, kh2riku1, MIKE, TheVader74). You guys seem to understand what i'm going through and accept me as a normal person. Karin's Heart by tummer "Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up" - 1 Corinthians 13:4 Chapter One: Jacob Reid was waiting patiently at his new bus stop; reading a copy of Lord of the Flies and listening to his MP3 player. His brown hair was covered by a red beanie while his amber eyes were exposed to the cold winter winds. He may now live in Las Cruces, New Mexico, but the winter air seemed to be the same. This would be his first day attending a new school, exposed to a brand new environment. Before today, he lived in Orlando, Florida with both his mother and his father. Carrie, Jacob’s strong-headed mother, had divorced his father after he was embarrassingly exposed to be a cheater. The divorce seemed to drag on much longer than it actually was; but in the end, Carrie won custody of her only son and most of her ex-husband’s savings. Jacob was in his senior year of high school, but he heartily agreed to move away with his mother than to stay with his lying father. Carrie Reid’s occupation of choice is a Cardiologist, meaning that she’s a doctor that looks for malfunctions in hearts and tries to fix them. At her old hospital in Florida, Carrie had reached the position of Chief Resident. Desperate to get away from her ex, she chose the first job she could find. The hospital in Las Cruces had welcomed her with opened arms, appointing her as a regular Resident. It was a step lower, but it was work. When the bus finally came to their stop, Jacob swiftly moved into the bus and on the closest vacant seat. He had a handful of friends at his old school, but he wasn’t seen as one of the “Golden Onesâ€. He looked over to the girl next to him; she had long dark hair, fairly tanned skin, and glasses that covered her emerald green eyes. The girl was silently reading A Northern Light, not even aware of Jacob’s presence. He didn’t find it rude; he made no effort to talk to her either. Jacob quickly profiled the girl as the quiet loner in the library, the kind of person who would deliver “one-word†answers to his questions. Las Cruces High School’s mascot, the “bull dawgâ€, furiously greeted Jacob while he entered the dual doors that lead to the cafeteria. Jacob had already eaten a large breakfast before leaving home that morning, giving him time to find his class. His first period was going to be English Twelve; his teacher known as Mr. Cook. The class wasn’t too hard for him to find; he was able to introduce himself to the teacher before anyone else entered. Suddenly, the school bell rang that instructed everyone to hurry to class. Slowly, one by one, students were dragging their feet past the door and into their respected seats. Jacob would have to wait until class begun before he could retrieve an available seat. A large group of students passed the doorway, laughing with each other in a maniacal fashion. Moments later, the same girl that was sitting next to him on the bus entered with wide, wet eyes and shining cheeks. The young girl became hesitant when she almost ran into Jacob’s chest. “Oh, sorry,†The girl moaned as she hurried passed him. Jacob became slightly curious about what was wrong with the girl, wanting to know why tears were flowing from her eyes. Part of him wanted to reach out to her, to tell her everything is okay; but he couldn’t do it. He stood frozen in place, feeling like he almost betrayed a person he didn’t know. Mr. Cook eagerly began the class period by first introducing Jacob to the other students. They had been two weeks into the winter semester, so he could be considered a “new studentâ€. Cook seated Jacob behind the mysterious girl from the bus, who seemed to give him a half smile. He returned the smile with one of his own, trying to give an expression of hope to her. Maybe this girl isn’t a crazy loner after all, Jacob thought to himself as he sat down in the chair. Maybe she’s as normal as anyone else here. Maybe we could be friends. That was what Jacob wanted right now, a friend that he could physically talk to and hang out with. He felt no attraction to the girl whatsoever. She just seemed like any other girl that would pass him on the street. By the look of her face, she was a soft and innocent girl, the kind of girl who had a playful laugh and a heartbreaking cry. Halfway through their class, Jacob looked over the girl’s shoulder to peek at her notes. The girl’s notes made his seem mediocre and half done. Her hand-writing wasn't the best that he’d seen, but at least it was organized and legible. Peering over, he was able to spot the girl’s name in big, bold lettering. Karin Marks. Just the sound of the name made him think of a famous, unknown scholar. It sounded bright and smart, two things that he wasn’t. “Sir,†Karin’s velvet voice suddenly spoke, “Sir, it’s happening again. May I please go to the nurse?!†In between certain words, Karin was harshly grunting. “Of course,†Cook responded. “Do you need someone to go with you?†“I’ll go,†Jacob suddenly spoke up. It took him less than a second to realize that he was standing up, reaching for the girl. “I passed by the nurse’s office this morning, so I know where it is.†“Good on you, Reid,†Cook complimented as he handed pink notes to the both of them. Jacob had instinctively put his arm around one of hers, carrying her as if she had sprained her ankle. The girl was looking much paler than she had this morning, and becoming more yellow by the second. The nurse’s office wasn’t far, but it wouldn’t be an easy trek over there. At times, Jacob had stopped so Karin can catch her breath. She tried to make words, but she was in too much pain to say anything. “J-jacob,†Karin coughed a few doors away from the nurse’s office. “Do we need to stop again?†Jacob asked in a soft voice. There was no response from the girl. Instead, he discovered that he was now dragging Karin’s limp body on the tile floor. He panicked and dropped her onto the hard surface. Realizing his mistake, Jacob began searching the girl for a pulse. At least she’s alive, Jacob thought as he held her head up. Chapter Two: Sitting on the cold ground, Jacob was staring straight in front of him. A few moments after calling for help, he watched Nurse Banks properly resuscitate Karin and saw an ambulance carry the barely conscious girl away. He was able to catch a glimpse of the girl’s eyes, which was completely stricken with fear! Now he was paralyzed in place, wondering if the girl known as Karin had died on the way to the hospital. “Mr. Reid,†Nurse Banks called out, “I would like to speak with you for a moment.†Nurse Reid had a light tan, blue eye, and long, dark hair. She was significantly taller than him but had the attitude of a child. Jacob slowly turned his head toward her, his eyes seemingly open as wide as humanly possible. His arms and legs were completely unstable. It took him a few tries, but he was able to stand and walk by himself. As he paced to the Nurse’s office, Karin’s terror-filled eyes were lingering in his mind. No matter what he was thinking about, he couldn’t get that image out of his mind. In the small office, Ms. Banks handed him a small bottle of water. He had suddenly felt sick; the urge to run into the bathroom was steadily growing in his mind. The nurse instructed him to lay on one of the hospital beds and stay there until she was ready. It was a slow morning, but there were still students to treat. That couldn’t be real, could it?! The event of Karin’s collapse was running through his head just like a dream no one could wake up from. He tried to think positive, but that also proved to be useless. She’s fine; Karin has to be fine. His concern had become overwhelming, even though he had just formally met the girl no more than an hour ago. Minutes passed; the nurse had finally pulled back Jacob’s curtain. She sat next to him with a warm smile. Nurse Barns first questioned him about what exactly happened in the hallway. He explained the story, starting from her episode in class, in almost perfect detail. His tone was melancholic and every word that emerged out of his mouth was filled with nothing but mourning and sorrow. What the heck is wrong with Karin?! “You’re new here Jacob,†Nurse Banks began with no smile, “so I’m guessing you were really shocked when you saw this happening. Not everyone here knows about it either, but Karin has some… issues. Even though she doesn’t look it, Karin is a brave and special girl. She’s gone through more stuff than you could imagine.†“Well, could you tell me what’s wrong with her?†Jacob asked. He knew he came off rude, but he felt as if this was something he should be allowed to know. I don’t have the right to know, but I also didn’t need to see a girl almost die today. “Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy.†The nurse uttered. “Her heart is too big – and her specific case is much more severe than it normally should be. The doctors have said that Karin wasn’t supposed to live to see puberty, let alone graduate in a few months. I know all this stuff about her because I’m her mother’s sister. It’s an inspirational story actually, but it’s rough; you should hear it sometime.†“Can you tell me now?†Jacob’s eyes glistened from the strange sense of curiosity. “I can tell you some of the details, but you’ll have to hear it from her if you want the whole story. It’s actually better that way.†Nurse Banks began by explaining Karin’s medical history. For thirty minutes, non-stop, she began to talk about Karin’s hospital admissions, countless surgeries, and near-death experiences. With every story, Jacob tried to picture Karin at different stages in her life, enduring unimaginable circumstances. During the remainder of the day, Karin’s magnificent story lingered in his mind. He knew that Ms. Banks had left out some parts and was eager to learn about them. For the most part, her story seemed like a strange nightmare. He couldn’t possible image someone actually living through her pain. After school, he learned that Karin was in stable condition but would be staying overnight at the hospital for some observation. He had to hear the story from Karin’s mouth as soon as possible; the only way he could accept it is if she tells it to him face-to-face. --- Jacob was standing at the front entrance of the hospital in Las Cruces. His aunt had agreed to pick him up from the house and drop him off at his mother’s office. He would stay for no more than an hour. His aunt would pick him up again because his mother had on-call duty tonight. He breathed a sigh of relief when the receptions desk allowed him to go see Karin in the ICU (Intensive Care Unit). ICU; is it really that bad?! He could hardly keep his cool while he was waiting in the elevator. He was becoming nervous; the first seemingly decent person he meets in a new town turns out to be dying! It didn’t matter if they were barely acquaintances, he had to see her. He wanted to be her friend. Finally, the elevator doors opened to the ICU, Jacob springing towards the hallway. Jacob searched for his last amount of strength (and courage) as he began to search for her room and for answers. -- Please give me you're feedback.
You've made an excellent start here, I really look forward to reading more. Your writing flows pretty well and is very readable. I have a few comments to make though. Your description is generally good, but you must be careful not to use too many adjectives such as in the sentence above. Writing will then become "purple prose" which is a pain to read. Few odd mistakes. Should be a question mark in the latter. This just seemed to strike me as a really odd and random statement. o.O Also, how did she knows Jacob's name? I don't recall her learning it at any point. You've got pretty good character development so far, I look forward to the next chapter.
Thank you for your comment. I'm really working hard on this. Thanks for pointing out my mistake. As for the "hangs out with" thing, that was Word's fault. It was originally "hang out with", but Word said I was wrong. And how she knows Jacob's name. Well, I did mention that the teacher did introduce Jacob to the rest of the class. Naturally, he said his name and she was able to retain it. Hopefully, I can update this thing on a regular basis. Also the part of no [sexual] attraction to Karin, well I just put that there to make her seem like an ordinary girl on the outside. Yes, she is different (which will be revealed later) but I first wanted to establish a friendship between these two.
Comments are added in colors to the original text body below. Spoiler Since I don't generally read your stuff I'll start off with a very comprehensive and nitpicky evaluation. Most of my colorful language above is just as I said, nitpicking. The idea here isn't bad and the content is fine, but I'd be a fan of your working on the language and presentation of your work. Grammar needs to be improved a little as does phrasing and word choice. If I have one piece of advice that I'd want you to follow most out of everything it'd be this: use fewer semicolons. All that said and done I do like some of the things you write but they'd be a bigger plus if all the other things I noted were not there. Keep on writing. Not like you needed or wanted to hear that from me.
Thank you for your observations. I will make sure to proof read my chapters more before posting. Thanks for saying that you like my work; hopefully I cand do better in my upcomming instalments.
I appologize many times over that I haven't updated this thing. Don't get me wrong, I wwant to finish this story and I have written many chapters ahead. Just stressed I guess. Chapters will appear more fluently when I get my own computer. Anyway; here's chapter two! Chapter Two: Sitting on the cold ground, Jacob was staring straight in front of him. A few moments after calling for help, he watched Nurse Banks properly resuscitate Karin and saw an ambulance carry the barely conscious girl away. He was able to catch a glimpse of the girl’s eyes, which was completely stricken with fear! Now he was paralyzed in place, wondering if the girl known as Karin had died on the way to the hospital. “Mr. Reid,” Nurse Banks called out, “I would like to speak with you for a moment.” Nurse Reid had a light tan, blue eye, and long, dark hair. She was significantly taller than him but had the attitude of a child. Jacob slowly turned his head toward her, his eyes seemingly open as wide as humanly possible. His arms and legs were completely unstable. It took him a few tries, but he was able to stand and walk by himself. As he paced to the Nurse’s office, Karin’s terror-filled eyes were lingering in his mind. No matter what he was thinking about, he couldn’t get that image out of his mind. In the small office, Ms. Banks handed him a small bottle of water. He had suddenly felt sick; the urge to run into the bathroom was steadily growing in his mind. The nurse instructed him to lay on one of the hospital beds and stay there until she was ready. It was a slow morning, but there were still students to treat. That couldn’t be real, could it?! The event of Karin’s collapse was running through his head just like a dream no one could wake up from. He tried to think positive, but that also proved to be useless. She’s fine; Karin has to be fine. His concern had become overwhelming, even though he had just formally met the girl no more than an hour ago. Minutes passed; the nurse had finally pulled back Jacob’s curtain. She sat next to him with a warm smile. Nurse Barns first questioned him about what exactly happened in the hallway. He explained the story, starting from her episode in class, in almost perfect detail. His tone was melancholic and every word that emerged out of his mouth was filled with nothing but mourning and sorrow. What the heck is wrong with Karin?! “You’re new here Jacob,” Nurse Banks began with no smile, “so I’m guessing you were really shocked when you saw this happening. Not everyone here knows about it either, but Karin has some… issues. Even though she doesn’t look it, Karin is a brave and special girl. She’s gone through more stuff than you could imagine.” “Well, could you tell me what’s wrong with her?” Jacob asked. He knew he came off rude, but he felt as if this was something he should be allowed to know. I don’t have the right to know, but I also didn’t need to see a girl almost die today. “Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy.” The nurse uttered. “Her heart is too big – and her specific case is much more severe than it normally should be. The doctors have said that Karin wasn’t supposed to live to see puberty, let alone graduate in a few months. I know all this stuff about her because I’m her mother’s sister. It’s an inspirational story actually, but it’s rough; you should hear it sometime.” “Can you tell me now?” Jacob’s eyes glistened from the strange sense of curiosity. “I can tell you some of the details, but you’ll have to hear it from her if you want the whole story. It’s actually better that way.” Nurse Banks began by explaining Karin’s medical history. For thirty minutes, non-stop, she began to talk about Karin’s hospital admissions, countless surgeries, and near-death experiences. With every story, Jacob tried to picture Karin at different stages in her life, enduring unimaginable circumstances. During the remainder of the day, Karin’s magnificent story lingered in his mind. He knew that Ms. Banks had left out some parts and was eager to learn about them. For the most part, her story seemed like a strange nightmare. He couldn’t possible image someone actually living through her pain. After school, he learned that Karin was in stable condition but would be staying overnight at the hospital for some observation. He had to hear the story from Karin’s mouth as soon as possible; the only way he could accept it is if she tells it to him face-to-face. --- Jacob was standing at the front entrance of the hospital in Las Cruces. His aunt had agreed to pick him up from the house and drop him off at his mother’s office. He would stay for no more than an hour. His aunt would pick him up again because his mother had on-call duty tonight. He breathed a sigh of relief when the receptions desk allowed him to go see Karin in the ICU (Intensive Care Unit). ICU; is it really that bad?! He could hardly keep his cool while he was waiting in the elevator. He was becoming nervous; the first seemingly decent person he meets in a new town turns out to be dying! It didn’t matter if they were barely acquaintances, he had to see her. He wanted to be her friend. Finally, the elevator doors opened to the ICU, Jacob springing towards the hallway. Jacob searched for his last amount of strength (and courage) as he began to search for her room and for answers.
