Keeping the Cookies in the Jar - A Multi-Ship Multi-Author Megafiction

MOD VOICE ON!!

I don't mind people correcting grammar, if anything I welcome it in extreme cases: however, one does not need to go through an entire story and site every point where grammar may be being mis-used, or could be more effectively employed. In such cases, I would advise - please - to simply give a few examples if anything, rather than quoting every mistake - or perceived mistake - in the body of work.

In addition, I would add that grammar alone isn't really conducive to a literarry critique. I would expect at least a small comment given on style, character, or something beyond the technicality of the fiction. As long as the grammar and spelling are readable and do not infringe upon the reading experience, then mentioning them in extranious detail and failing to pick up on the artistic, creative and emotive points of the work is a moot point and defeats the purpose of giving a critique of the work.

MOD VOICE OFF!!

I really enjoyed this chapter and intermission. I enjoyed the sort of awkward, begrudging crush that Saxima has on Amaury, but I enjoy the fact that she overcomes it and manages to confess to him. You're characterisation is really good in this one Haseo, It was a little short though, I would have liked it to be a little longer maybe, but that could be because I was enjoying it so much ^^.

What? I really enjoyed the intermission. The interplay between the chracters, Finny being a stranger to human contact for a year really conveyed well to the reader, and your use of repitition really helped to emphasise it. I really enjoy your descriptions of scenery and feeling as well, even if a little wordy and long-winded, that didn't detract from the rading experiance at all. Also, I like how you left a plot point open for another author to use later, which is a hook to keep readers engaged, Haseo did this too with the "Shipping Club" in his chapter. I'll look forward to others expanding upon these ideas in later chapters.

I really should get in on this project ... hmmm ... I dunno who i would use though :/.

 

I would have critiqued it, but I feared it would sound too harsh. I will forgo my better judgment now that it has been challenged. Sorry, Forsaken...

Aside from the grammatical errors, I like the story, but it is a cookie cutout. You could have put in two characters of any gender and personality, and it would have worked the same way. The characters were not well-defined enough to be the specific members you placed them as aside from their names.

Another point that did not sit right with me was their confrontation. Up to that point, you said, "There were never any awkward silences between us, never any sort of arguing." And then, at the climax of the story, you referenced the past as if they had argued, contradicting your earlier statement.

Does that sound like two people who have never argued before?

What?'s chapter was flawless in all aspects (to my eye). I loved it.

That is all...

 

I was just going off my impression of the one line you got in Fork's story when I wrote it. ^^;

It is pretty short compared to Fork's, around 1/3 the length iirc.

 

Holy crap these stories are amazing. XD These crack pairings don't seem all that cracked when written like this though, haha! There were a few misspellings and grammatical errors in every story, but I'd rather not go through them. Makaze probably got most of them anyway. SO! I look forward to more crack pairings and more storytime!

 

Fuzzy with a Chance of Temari
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notes: sorry for this failure of a story, I know I repeat alot etc, sorry. Please don't hurt me.
Thanks to Plums for the title~ o:​

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He was immediately greeted by the familiar smell of freshly ground coffee and intoxicating cocoa as he opened the door to enter the small café where he had promised to meet him. They hadn’t talked since that day. How long had it been? A week? Maybe more? The boy didn’t know. He had missed him dearly, though. The small boy checked his phone for the time: 4:02. He re-read the text message the older boy had sent earlier to gain confidence.

Enough avoiding. Meet me after school, at the café. We need to talk about it sooner or later.


Enough avoiding. The boy felt his stomach drop slightly. Yes, enough avoiding. He put his phone back into pocket and looked for him. His eyes scanned the colourful and quirky place before he noticed him, tucked away in his usual little corner, his “Adventure Time” backpack sitting on the table, half slouching. The younger boy smiled as he made his way over, his dress shoes tapping against the geometric black and white titled floor. He was in such a rush he had forgotten to take them off. He sighed and inhaled, ignoring the stares of curious people.


“H-hi” The younger boy said, coming to a standstill in front of the table.

The dark skinned boy turned; almost startled that somebody interrupted his thoughts. He hadn’t even notice the smaller, brown haired boy enter the café. He cleared his throat and gave a smile, nodding his head to invite the boy to sit down and he did.

“Hey” He smiled again before examining the boy sat opposite him. He really looked at him, took in his features, his cute button nose, the little curls at the end of his hair and his timid smile. The older boy chuckled as he noticed the younger boys’ feet didn’t touch the ground, but daggled. This made his cheeks turn a crimson colour.


The dark skinned boy began to snicker again, laughing at the boys’ bashfulness.

“H-hey! Fuzzy! Stop that” The younger one said, slamming his fist into the table, before curling his fist back into himself. That’d hurt him. Fuzzy roared with laughter again. He settled down once he noticed other customers staring over him. His laughing fit turned into awkward coughing.

“I’m sorry, Andrew” He said finally, pulling himself forward “I’m just nervous.”

Andrew gave a small nod, he was nervous too.

“Would you like something to eat?” Fuzzy began mentally kicking himself for being so stupid, how could he do that? He was determined not to do anything else entirely stupid.

“No, no thank you” Andrew muttered, gently scratching away at Fuzzy’s Adventure Time bag, which was shaped like Jake, a popular character from the show.

“You sure? They have your favourite cupcake! Oh, let me go get you one right now!” Fuzzy happily bounced out of his seat and made his way to the counter before Andrew could say anything. That was so like him, behaving like a child despite his age. It was one of the many things Andrew both loved and hated about him.

“Here you go! We’ll spilt it. Half and half!” he said as he handed the small boy his half of the red velvet cupcake.

“Thank you. You know, I could’ve paid for it.” Andrew told him.

“It’s no problem. I know you can’t resist these things!” He gave a mischievous grin that made Andrew’s stomach do flips; he had to avoid eye contact.


When they finished eating, tension rose. It didn’t help that there was another school couple on a date on the other side of the café. Their joyful laughter and giggling did not go unnoticed. It reminded the new awkward pair of how their friendship used to be. It took one move to stamp out the “We’re just friends” saying. One move. Andrew began thinking of it again, slightly twirling in his chair to distract himself from Fuzzy’s big brown eyes. He began chewing his lip.

“You’re cute when you do that” Fuzzy stated.

Andrew felt the heat of his cheeks, he looked away.

Time passed before either of them spoke again.

“Y…You kissed me” Andrew said. Yes, he had finally said it. The café door swung open and in came his and Fuzzy’s fellow students. Andrew turned to notice What? Who gave a small nod of acknowledgment at him, not wanting to disturb their conversation. Cookiie entered and the focus of What’s attention became clear, he offered to take her schoolbag but she smacked him away calling him a “Baka”. Andrew turned back to Fuzzy as What began apologizing.

Fuzzy was blushing, trying to hide it by covering his face, he was staring out the window before looking back at Andrew again.

“Yes..I did.”

The kiss was unavoidable. It was bound to happen sooner or later. The two boys had been firm friends ever since the start of the year, despite their age gap. It had all started in the after school Drama group; Andrew who was a keen enthusiast of the performing arts was already a member of the group. Fuzzy, on the other hand had been dragged along by Jayn, his best friend. Fuzzy was enchanted by Andrew’s acting ability and went to praise him after the group was finished. It went from there. From waving to one another in the hallway, to eating pizza together at lunch, from exchanging phone numbers and silly texts, to going out together on day trips, to late time blowing and takeaways, from hair ruffling to holding hands to a kiss. They were close. The kiss was unavoidable, it was bound to happen. Fuzzy recalled Jayn’s teasing of how much he liked the younger boy. He smiled to himself. Yes, he did like the younger, cute boy. He liked his smile, he liked how he’d stick out his tongue slightly when concentrating too much, he liked how passionate the boy was about his work, he liked the way he’d always make the effort to say “hi” first, he liked how understanding and caring he was, he liked how he’d always try to brush away his cute hair curls. Yes, he liked just about everything about him. He liked him. That’s why he kissed him.


Andrew was about to open his mouth again, when the café door opened again. Another wave of fellow students came flooding in. He turned again and noticed the group known as the “Spam bots” had knocked Cookiie, her delicate frame almost touched the floor but What was quick to catch her. When the boy realized what he had done, his dark cheeks turned almost bright pink, he began uttering apologizes straight away while helping the young girl find her feet again. Andrew turned back again, hearing Cookiie’s smacks of gratitude.

Fuzzy was first to speak again, his lips trembled.


“I know..It probably confused you, and I’m sorry for that. If you want, we can just go back to being friends” Friends. No. Fuzzy didn’t want that, didn’t want that at all. But, he just wanted Andrew to feel comfortable with him again.


Andrew avoided the boys gaze. How should he answer? What should he answer? Yes, I’d like that? No, I want to be more than friends? The kiss had confused him greatly; it had made his deeper feelings for Fuzzy rise to surface. That kiss. That perfect tender kiss. He recalled the way Fuzzy slightly titled his head using only one finger, the way he stared into his eyes before bending down and giving him a soft, gentle kiss. His cheeks flushed again.

Fuzzy took Andrew’s silence as an answer and slowly nodded, heartbroken.

“I guess..You don’t want either of those things.” Fuzzy gulped, tears started swelling. He loved Andrew, he really did. “I-I won’t bother you anymore..Promise. I-I’ll stay out your way, I’ll avoid you, if that’s what you want.” He rose up, grabbing his backpack in the process. “I-I’ll leave you now..Sorry, I messed up.” Fuzzy tucked in his chair and began to walk away.

Andrew began to panic. No, he didn’t want this. He no longer wanted to feel like he wasn’t living, a ghost among the crowd. He wanted him, he wanted Fuzzy. He wanted Fuzzy to hold him and tell him everything was alright. He wanted to be soothed and loved; he wanted everything the boy had to offer.

Andrew stood up, balling his fists. His face turned into an embarrassing reddish hue, as he called out to Fuzzy.


“Fuzzy! W-wait!”

The older boy turned around, his eyes wide. Andrew had an audience, his fellow classmates and other customers of the popular Café were also watching. He breathed in.

“I-I..I love you!”

Gasps escaped from people’s mouths. The coffee machined steamed, making a loud squeal, it was if the machine itself reacted to the love confession. What smiled nervously for his friend before eyeing Fuzzy. The older boy was stood still, shell shocked. He watched Andrew shake as his eyes filled with tears. He ran across the Café, locking Andrew in his arms as he reached him, gently soothing him.


“I love you, too. I-I love you too.”

Andrew nuzzled in himself in Fuzzy’s body, wanting the rest of the world to just fade away. This moment was perfect; he had somebody who truly loved him. The people’s cheers of congratulants seemed to fade away, as Fuzzy gently pushed Andrew away from him, lifting up the young boys head; he bent down and gave him a gentle, loving kiss.

--

I'm sorry for delaying the others, also! ;~;

 

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   Good job everyone. I've been reading them so far, but have neglected to comment recently so I shall do that now. First off, this was a brilliant idea and I can't wait to read the rest and contribute my part. It's super kawaii desu and all of the couples that are being depicted somehow end up fitting. I am going to focus mostly on the entertainment aspect of it and not so much the technicalities because this is all for fun and I don't see any reason to suck the lightheartedness of it out with mechanical criticism.

@Haseo: I found Saxima's affection for Amaury adorable, mostly because though SaximaxAmaury is hilariously unlikely and slightly awkward, you managed to make it believable by allowing her to acknowledge his massive amounts of dorkyness (no offense to Amaury).

What?'s reaction to Saxima's question was so cute. ;u; Anyway, I think you did a very good job.

@What?: Not much to be said here. It was beyond cute, and well written as always. Great job.

@Kelly: That was somewhat awkward for me to read for obvious reasons (my baby x hubby bff) I had your papa read it and he was outraged, in an adorable way and asked me to inform you that you're grounded, or something. <: I think you did wonderfully, and I'm sad to see that it's taken this long for someone to comment.~ Your style of writing is cute to me for some reason. There were a few instances where a period was missed, and I only mention that because it distracts someone like me from the adorability, but besides that, it truly was adorable and very sweet. I like how chastely naughty it was. /fufufu. I needed some cute yaoi tonight. Anyway, it brought a smile to my face. Good job, Kelly. <3

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♛  
~Jaynabelle​

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The Jelly and the Key

Spoiler

“amesyrdvmjdgvtdjhesrf.†Sometimes, it amazes her how incoherent her words could be when flustered. She’s not sure how she’d picked it up. Maybe it’s because she’s reverting to her most feral instincts, becoming part “adorable†girl, part wolven terror? In any case, it’s strangely befitting, especially considering she is known amongst her friends as the “Gore Whoreâ€. It’s been a name that follows her wherever she goes; even more so now, that she is planning on killing Feenie.

The girl raises her phone to her face. There, in the center of the screen, is a picture of a boy, the words “I’d like in your Kave any day, baby†sprawled on his Kingdom Hearts shirt in white, Comic Sans font. Which threat should I choose for young Fishy today? The girl presses a button on the side of the phone, a keyboard popping up onto the screen. As she begins to type away, she can feel someone’s breath, a lonesome snake, slide down the length of her neck.

“Keeeeellyyyy, why do you have your phoooone out?â€

“Shut up, Maki.†The boy is so close to her skin she can feel his lips part, his pink tongue blanketing his sharp, white teeth.

“Dont’ beeeeeee like that, Keeeeeeeellyyyyyy. You knooooooooow I just want to see what you’re dooooooooing. I care for you so much, baaaaaaaabyyyyyy.†He presses his lips against her neck. Kelly jumps, dropping her phone on the floor. She whips around, smacking the boy across his face.

“Kelly!†The voice casts chills down her spine. Kelly turns forward once more, her eyes met with the towering figure of her teacher.

“B-but, Mr. Soul--â€

“Don’t butt me, missy! You know I don’t like them as young as you,†Mr. Soul said, smirking. Kelly stares at the man, confused, before he clears his throat. “Anyway, hitting other students is completely intolerable. You are to go to Professor Roxasvsriku this instant!â€

With a frown, Kelly rises from her seat, Mr. Soul’s glare sending arrows into her petit figure. As she walks to the door, she feels something whip past her head. She misses the collision, only seeing the carcass of her cellphone at her feet.

“Hope it wasn’t too importaaaaaant, babe,†Maki says, her hands clamoring for the broken pieces of her phone. In the screen, she can see her message to Feenie beneath the cracks. Knowing Mr. Soul will punish her more if she stayed any longer, Kelly exits the classroom, her mind lost in bloodlust for Feenie and the slithering cretin behind her desk.



“Kelly, I’m very disappointed in you.†She wonders how many times she has to hear that in her life. Kelly is sitting in RvR’s office, anime posters hanging over every inch of the wall. She’s sitting in a Mirai Nikki beanbag, Yuno’s smile resting idly beneath the heart of her lap. She wants to fall back into the beanbag. She wants to fall into the life of an anime, she wants to lose herself in the fantasyscape of dream diaries, of hammy quotes, of doing the impossible and seeing the invisible -- she wants to leave reality behind. She wants every trace of her consciousness to be erased, every fragment of memory to vanish; she only wants to be free.

“Well? What do you have to say for yourself?†Kelly snaps out of her thoughts, RvR’s impassive blue eyes resting on her own.

“Well, sir, I’m not sure. To be honest, Maki started it. He kissed me with those damn iceberg lips and--†RvR sighs, placing his hand against his forehead.

“Listen, Kelly. I deal with a lot of this ‘he started, she started’ thing everyday. Every single damn day. It gets a bit tiring, you know? Listening to kids whine and groan when they’re all thinking with the wrong head. Or in case of you girls, a lack of a head. Now then, I will dismiss you, but remember this: I never want to see you in this office again, capiche? I’ve got my own sexually repressed side to deal with...er, I mean, I have a lot of important business to deal with and there is no time!â€

“Er, yes, sir.â€

“Excellent. I knew you would be understanding,†RvR smiles, his physique relaxing in his seat. He begins to tap at his desk, the rhythm of the noise mesmorizing Kelly. “In any case, for assaulting a fellow student, you will be assigned to an upperclassman to monitor your behavior until tomorrow afternoon.â€

“What?!â€

“It’s protocol,†RvR shrugs, pressing a button beneath his desk. “Calling Llave de Espada. Your kid is ready to go.†Kelly turns as she hears the door open. A fairly tall boy walks through the door, his brown rimmed glasses complimenting his short, blond hair.

“Yo, Princey.â€

“Llave, never call me that again.â€

“Yes, sir.â€

“Anyway, this is Kelly. Kelly, Llave. Anyway, you two kids run along now, and let you principal have some alone time with Secretary Kurisu.†Llave and Kelly shuffle out of the door as RvR lets out a deep purr.

“So...â€

“Yes?â€

“Tell me about yourself.†Kelly’s eyes fell on Llave, the boy’s snow colored smile causing her to blush. The hallway was a wasteland, the only motions in the area belonging to them. Her heart is beating faster, her hands growing clammy.

“Um, well, my name is Kelly. I’m fourteen, and um...yeah. What about y-you?â€

“Well, my name is Llave de Espada, though you can just call me Llave. I’m 19, and RvR’s ma super sugoi hubby. Shame he hasn’t dressed up in his loli gear lately...†Kelly let out a laugh, the sound triggering Llave to laugh as well. The school bell rings overhead, students pouring from their classrooms like a waterfall. Kelly looks out into the crowd, her glance falling upon Maki. The boy catches her gaze, smiling. As he begins to step forward, Kelly inches backward.

“Kelly, what’s up? You look like you’ve seen a ghost,†Llave said, his hand wrapping around Kelly’s shoulder. Electricity seems to fly through her veins. Her heartbeat races once again, her mind fuddled with warmth. She snaps out of it when she sees Maki, his hand dragging what appears to be Feenie, stopping in front of the pair.

“Hey, Keeeeeelyyyy. See RvR let you ooooooooff. Hope things are...chiiiiiiiiill.â€

“As chill as they can get, you little shitface.â€

“Easy, eaaaaaaaasyyyy. You know I wouldn’t hurt you, baaaaaaabyyyyyy,†Maki says, making a grab for Kelly’s shirt. The girl let out a scream. Llave steps forward, his fist smashing into Maki’s face. The snake boy falls to the ground, his nose a cherry on his skin.

“Hey! I don’t know who you are, but leave her alone! Kelly hasn’t done anything to you, so back off, man.†Llave is scowling. Feenie looks from the fallen boy to Llave and kelly, his eyes shaking with fear.

“Come on Maki, let’s get out of here.†Feenie wraps Maki’s arm around his shoulder and disappears back into the crowd. Llave turns to Kelly, scooping the girl’s hands in his own. Kelly can feel the warmth of the blood in his veins.

“You okay, Kelly?â€

“Y-yeah. Thanks, Llave,†Kelly said, making no effort to hide the blush from her face.

“Well, how about we grab some grub really quick, and er, chat...and stuff.†Llave’s face is just as red as her own. The pair walk out of the door to the school, their fingers wrapping around each other.



It is morning. Kelly is on her bike, speeding through the morning streets. The wind seems to part for her, almost as if it knows she feels heavenly. After they left school, Llave and Kelly shared a snack at the local cafe. Even though they were distracted by an adorakable confession ala Andrew and Fuzzy, they still had a wonderful night out. Llave is hysterical; the jokes he made, while vulgar in nature, were so sweet at the same time.

Kelly’s insides melt with each word that formed at the curve of his lips, the way his eyebrows arch over his eyes, and even the way his eyes dart away when they look at each other; she is in love. Her mind is cloudy as she pulls into the bicycle rack in front of the school, thoughts of Llave a beautiful bird swimming through the condensation of emotion. She begins to imagine him in a swimsuit when she feels something smack into her back. She falls to the ground, skin rippling with pain. Slimy hands pin her arms to the ground, a low hiss slithering above her head.

“What do you want, Maki?â€

“Nothiiiiiiiiiiiiiing, Kelly. I just want to let you knooooooooooow that that Llaaaaaaaave boy isn’t someone you should be dealing with. Not when you have me, babyyyyyyyyyy.†His mouth locks itself over hers before she can say another word. His teeth poke into her bottom lip. She tries to push him off, but her arms are jelly beneath his weight. She can feel his tongue inch closer to her own. Tears stream down her face as she wills out to Llave, to love, to anyone.

“Hey! Get your slimy fingers off my waifu!†Maki darts off of her body. Kelly gasps, her face covered in thick saliva. Her eyes race up to the boy in front of her, his foot outstretched.

“Llave!†The boy takes notice of her, falling on his knees to her level. He reaches into his pockets, pulling out a handkerchief. Kelly wipes her face off as Maki screams. As if by instinct, a crowd of people begin to swarm around them. In the corner of her eye, she could see her friend Cookiie punching a boy in the ribs. The boy sighs, bending over to allow her to get on his back to see.

“You really think you’re some hot stuff, donchaaaaaaaaaa’ Llave?†Maki is sneering.

“Anything is better than trying to ravish a poor girl before school begins!â€

“Ha, you’re so patheeeeeeeeeeeetic. I’d say you two deserve each other, but we both know Kelly’s the only girl for meeeeeeeeeee,†Maki says, lunging forward. Llavsighs, raising his arm. As soon as Maki is an inch away from Kelly, Llave brings his arm down on the boy’s neck. Maki hits the ground, his eyes rolling back up into his head. Kelly brings her arms around Llave, crying.

“Kelly...â€

“Llave, I...I...,†Llave puts his finger over the girl’s lips. Kelly smiles, whipping his finger away and taking his mouth into hers. The crowd cheers wildly as they kiss, falling deeper into each other as fantasy paves way to reality.

 

That was brilliant, Plums. I'm sat here grinning like a Cheshire Cat, but it's so awkward since me and Llave are like siblings. 5tgk6tymhg. <3

 

@Kelly: Your story is incredibly creepy when you remember the fact that Andrew is 12 and Fuzzy is 19 oh my god. Otherwise, I really liked it c: It's very cute. A tad bit uneventful, but that's not a bad thing sometimes. Good job all in all. I'm still creeped out by it though *shudders*

@Plums: Oh god. TOMETO KAWAII. The story should have been RvRxLlave. I would have liked that. Kave was pretty cool too though. I gotta admit though, it's really very well written. Looks like all those fanfictions finally paid off since you're now the ultimate fanfic mastah. I lol'd at the Cookiie part too. Good job dude xD

 

Okay, so I just had this post deleted by freaking Chrome (all my rage), so I am cranky right now. Please excuse me if I kill someone.

I have been avoiding this thread for quite some time now (Ashwin, that would be your fault), but I feel as if I should comment on these stories as they are all very well done. I haven't read all of them yet, so I shall just comment on the ones I have read.

Chpt 1 - I found myself grinning all the way through this. I had a good idea about what the outcome of this story might be when I saw who it involved, and sure enough the ending lived up to my expectations.
You did a really great job with this Fork! It was very descriptive and it kept me interested all throughout it.

Chpt 2 - Oh lawdy that was one of the most adorable things I've ever read :D I'm not even kidding, this was so cuute.
I really enjoyed how you made out the characters, especially with Amaury, you managed to get him perfectly (no offence to the man himself)
And that last line of Saxima's was just so freaking moe I swear. You did a really great job at this Haseo, well done!

Intermission I - Words cannot describe the rage I felt coursing through me as I began to realise where you were going with this.
Especially when I saw this :/

But as I read on, I found that my rage simmered down, and that (ridiculously) my face was getting hot. It just got so...moe towards the end that I couldn't stay mad. though I still hate you 5eva

But yeah, I really enjoyed it. It was extremely well written, very engrossing. Great job Ashwin! This is another reminder that I need to kill you.
If there was one ship that I could choose to let sink while on that lighthouse, it would be the S.S. Feexa.

Kirkwall, really? This is the United Kingdom we're talking about Ashwin. Not bloody Dragon Age!