Alright, another fan Fic, because I was bored. A huge thanks to Kingdom Hearts530, my very strict editor who helps keep me focused and created two characters, which she allowed me to use. Prologue Leon looked at the sky. The stars... So pretty. Just like they had been before... The accident. ------------------------------------------------------ The heartless came in thousands. Squall Leonheart fended them off as best he could and ended up rescuing, Layla- Lea’s sister who Squall himself didn’t particularly like- in the process. Now he was waiting near Cid’s ship hoping at others would meet him there. In the distant he saw Rinoa running towards her with Carrie- Ienzo’s older sister- beside her. As Rinoa took off running back towards the castle, Squall called out to his girlfriend “Where are you going!? It’s not safe!” “Lea and Isa are still back there! Ienzo too! We can’t leave them!” Rinoa shouted back towards Squall before quickly heading towards the Castle. A few moments after Rinoa had faded into the darkest, Squall looked towards the castle. It was clouded in darkness that seemed to be growing by the moment. No way they had made it… “They’re gone aren’t they? Lea and Isa and my little brother… They’re as good as dead aren’t they? And now Rinoa too…” Carrie stated to him with tears running down the sixteen year old’s face. Squall didn’t answer and just looked towards the ground and the truth hit Squall hard. Rinoa was gone and she probably wouldn’t come back. She was a goner and he wasn’t able to stop her from what had been basically a suicide mission… Suddenly from the darkness at voice shouted towards him. “Squall! Carrie!” a small voice shouted. Out of the darkness came twelve year old Aerith and eight year old Yuffie right beside her. “Aerith, where are Cloud, Tifa, and Vincent? Aren’t they supposed to be with you two?,” questioned Carrie. “They’re gone!” Wailed Yuffie loudly “They made us go ahead… They were fighting the black monsters,” said Aerith. “They’re as good as gone…” Carrie mumbled. Squall looked at the three heartbroken girls and frowned. "Let's go,” he said, lead them towards the Highwind, where Cid, the unconscious Layla, and Merlin the Wizard awaited them. That day, Squall Leonheart, the man who couldn't save Rinoa nor countless others, became Leon. He would be a new person, more capable of taking care of his friends.
I really like the premise you've setup here. Always have been wondering what shenans Leon, Yuffie and Aerith were up to when they first escaped to Traverse Town. Anyway, this was a good introductory chapter: normally I'd like a few more details to establish what's going on with the setting, but since it was being destroyed by the Heartless it's cool. xDD I think my only criticism is hitting enter after a paragraph/new line of dialogue, as it looks condensed especially with longer chapters. Looking forward to the next update. o:
Yayayaayayayayayayaayayayayayayaayayayay!!! I'm so happy you posted it ^_^ It was okay before you showed it to me but now its extra awesome cuz I edited it ^_^ And now that reminds me that I still have to write my part of the next chapter... ****
To be an excessive nitpick, I have to echo Plums's request for the line breaks after each paragraph--it can be a little tough to read when it's all smushed together. But otherwise: You've got a solid start and I'm excited to see where it heads. You capture the reader's interest by foreshadowing some sort of accident, but then (I believe?) it switches to flashback, where we can see an accident actually play out. The writing itself should keep the reader engaged, but giving them something to wonder about and perhaps look forward to is a solid technique. There were some mechanical issues I noticed. They're all entirely understandable as they mostly had to do with writing dialogue which, while we all read it, we may not be practiced in writing it. To bring up examples, Here, you add a comma after the final question mark; however, in quotes, you need only add the comma after a declarative statement, as you did here: That's the proper usage of the comma--basic rule of thumb, if you've got either an exclamation point, a question mark, or an ellipsis (...), you don't need the comma. :] Now just a few matters of style... Try to vary your sentences a bit! Experiment with word order to find not only the most effective way to say something, but the most natural. This line could have a few variations, but right now the 'that' particularly makes it a little vague and awkward. You could try... "The darkness clouding the castle seemed to grow by the moment." "Clouding the castle was a darkness that seemed to grow by the moment." "Growing by the moment, the darkness clouded the castle. Likewise, this sentence could use some work, as it is a run-on. But in addition to that, you've neglected your pronouns--they're powerful tools and should be used! Possibilities here being, "Looking to the ground, the truth washed over Squall, and he remained silent." "Left silent by the smack of harsh truth, Squall looked away and fell silent." "Falling silent, Squall looked away from Carrie as the truth hit him hard." And so on. Write naturally, of course, but don't be afraid to revise and improve. Writing, after all, is rewriting. Still, it's a good start and I think you've got an excellent base here. What I usually do is write my chapters, get all my thoughts out, then review them over several days, fixing and improving wording and sentence structure. It's good you've got an editor as well, they can work as a good bouncing board for ideas, and may catch things you don't. Keep writing, I look forward to seeing where this goes!
Finally! After much procrastination and arguing with Heart (<3), chapter 1 is here! Chapter 1: A New Home On the other side of Interspace, was a world called Traverse Town. Traverse Town had become a sort of refugee town for those who had lost their home to the same darkness enveloping Radiant Garden at the moment. In the post office, a phone rang. A young girl answered. "Farron Mail, this is Serah speaking." she said."Yes... Yes... No... Uh, no. Ok, I'll let Claire know. Thank you." she hung up the phone. Serah got up. It had been a while since any new refugees had shown up. She went upstairs to where her sister was. "Yes Serah?" Claire asked. "Hope needs you to deliver something after you pick it up at his house. He said it’s for a guy named Snow Villiers." she handed her the note that had Snow's address on it. "You remember where Hope lives, right, Claire?" Claire looked at her sister. "Don't call me Claire. It's Lightning now." Serah looked at her. "Fine. Get this done, Lightning." she turned around and headed back downstairs. Lightning looked out the window, hearing the sound of an airship. "What's that all about?" she said, putting on her delivery bag and went outside. Outside everyone was disembarking the ship. Yuffie was still shaken up, but more than Aerith, who was comforting her. "It's ok Yuffie." she said. Carrie, whose tears had finally ended by the time the group had arrived to Traverse Town, hugged both of the younger tightly. “It’ll be alright. Don’t you worry,” “B-but they’re gone! Cloudy and Vinny and Tiffy are gone, Carrie!” cried the smallest girl. Carrie frowned, thinking of her best friends and her brother, and hugged both Yuffie and Aerith once again. Squall quietly held up Layla. He didn't like her much, but he couldn't just leave her even after everything that had happened in the past between them. He said nothing the entire way there. The loss of Rinoa had been too much. Lightning went to greet them. "Hey, is she ok?" she asked, indicating to the unconscious Layla. Squall looked at her. "I don't know." He replied, shaking his head. Lightning considered this. "Alright, bring her." The young pink haired woman led them to the post office. "I'm Lightning by the way." she said, opening the door. Squall said nothing and just brought Layla into the post office. After finding a place to put Layla, everyone sat down in the dining room. It was very quiet, since the thoughts of their lost loved ones were fresh in their minds. Lightning looked at them. "I have to go," she said. "I was supposed to go pick up some mail an hour ago." Lightning turned to Serah. "Give them the usual welcome speech. Later." she went out the door. Almost instantly, Leon got up too. "I need some air." Serah looked at him strangely. "Ok..." Carrie got up too. "I better go talk to him." she followed Leon. "You’re upset aren't you? About Rinoa?" Leon stood silent. "We'll all miss her Squall." "It's Leon now..." "Fine. We'll all miss her Leon. I lost my brother and as well as two of my closet friends. Layla lost her brother too and Aerith and Yuffie lost people who they love too. Think about that. You aren't the only one who lost someone tonight." she turned and went back inside, leaving Leon gazing at the stars. Once she was inside, Serah gave them the welcome and everyone introduced themselves. "So, now that you've arrived in Traverse town, there's a few things to sort out." She took out some papers. "First off, how many are going to be living with you?" Carrie thought for a second. She wasn't sure. "Ummm.... Quite a few actually." Serah looked at her. "Let's set you up with a house for around 10 then, ok?" she wrote it down. Carrie was thinking, and suddenly, it hit her. "Merlin!" "Excuse me?" Serah said. "Merlin the Wizard! We forgot him!" Aerith looked at her. "No we didn't. He went to another part of town, with Cid." Yuffie nodded. Serah looked at them all. "So I assume they won't be staying with you then?" "Cid might, but I doubt Merlin would want to share a house with everyone." Carrie answered, shaking her head. Serah wrote it down. "Ok, all set. Now we just need to wait for Claire to return." she got up and looked out the window. "Think he'll be ok?" Serah asked, noticing Leon moping. Carrie sighed. "I don't know. He's always been quiet, but losing his girlfriend may have been too much." She looked out the window at him and shook her head. “But I don’t know. I wasn’t really close with him back home…” Sighing once more, Carrie got up from her seat and headed towards the room where Layla was laying. “I’m going to check and see if Layla woke up yet,” Carrie walked away, leaving Serah and the others behind, until she reached the room where Layla was still unconscious. Layla looked peaceful just resting on the bed- more peaceful then she’d looked all year. After leaving Radiant Garden nearly eight years ago to learn how to control her magical abilities, Layla had come back a year ago with control over her magic as well as the power the wield the weapon called the Keyblade, after her three friends had gone missing. It didn’t take long for Carrie as well as Lea and Isa to realize that Layla’s friends’ disappearances had affected her terribly and that she was no longer the sweet person that she been when she would visit the three of them. As Carrie sighed, Layla finally awoken. “Layla! You’re finally awake!” exclaimed the younger girl. “I’m so glad!” “Carrie?” said Layla, looking past her and out towards the window. “Where are w- wait… Lea… Isa.. They’re gone, aren’t they?” Carrie hid her face from Layla, not wanting the older girl to see the tears that were coming down her cheeks. “So they are gone…” Layla said, before putting her head to her knees. Knowing from experience that there was nothing that Carrie could say to her, she left the room, slamming the door closed. As she walked into the hallway she hear Serah call out to her “Carrie! I just wanted to tell you that-“Serah paused noticing the younger girl’s tears. “Carrie? What’s wrong?” Serah put an arm around Carrie’s shoulder and her eyes were sympathetic. “My best friends are dead. My younger brother is dead. Layla’s more of an emotional mess than usual. Squall is so ****ed up that he changed his damn name and everything’s just gone to hell!” Carrie shouted, shrugging Serah’s arm away and banging her fist against the wall. “It’ll get better-maybe not right away but it will! And we here in Transverse Town will do everything in our power to help you out, “said Serah, embracing the other girl. “Now c’mon! Let’s get you into a room here for night and then tomorrow I’ll get you settled into a house,” “What about Aerith and Yuffie?” questioned Carrie. “Don’t worry about them. They’re already in a room. My sister Cl-Lightning showed them to one,” Serah said, smiling brightly. “Thanks,” Carrie said, sighing in relief. “Not a problem,” said Serah, smiling once again before leading Carrie to a room where she could rest of the night
