Recent Content by Jayn

Spoiler: Dramatics

I've been staring at this page for a while unsure of how to start. I'm feeling a very strange combination of relief, guilt and nostalgia, and I'm not sure how I feel about the pink name ...

I'd been considering resigning / leaving KHV for a while now. It's not because I wanted to, because I truly didn't, but because I don't feel like I'm doing my job as an administrator well enough. I don't feel like I was doing my best anymore. I had a lot of ideas and projects I wanted to launch / continue in an attempt to make things a bit more lively around the site - but I could never gather up the motivation to do them. I began logging in out of habit and obligation instead of because I wanted to.

I'm declaring a sort of bankruptcy. I have so much stuff pending and in-progress I'm admitting now that I can't do them. I can't run RP Idol, I can't finish the KHV Chorus stuff, I can't put together the musical, I can't start any new projects, I can't finish the videos I was working on, I can't make the Christmas presents I was planning on making for those of you on my lists, I can't review the Hall of Fame threads I was working on, I can't afford the Minecraft server, and I can't be a good staff member anymore. None of this is because I don't want to be, I just feel like I can't. I feel guilty and like I've let so many of you guys down, and I hate it, but I can't.

Things have been going up and down for me. I started a new job, and then I lost it for reasons not entirely clear to me. It was the first job I really liked, and being fired felt more personal than anything, so losing it was a huge blow to my self-esteem and I sort of retreated into angst for a while.

I was put on anti-depressants for anxiety and depression, but it doesn't really help with the depression and made it worse for a while.

Then a cousin I live with went to jail and got involved in a bunch of awful stuff that put my whole family in danger.

SynK and I broke up.

Then my aunt came into town and brought her kids with a one-way ticket bringing the 7 residents of my house up to 12. My mom and her boyfriend were taking care of all of the bills by themselves, and the water, internet, electricity, and heat have all been off at some point over the last few months.

I got a new job, but I haven't started it yet and it's been weeks and I'm wondering if I was fired before I even started. I'm currently pet-sitting for someone but I'm not even making enough money from this to pay my phone bill.

My priority now is getting out on my own. My living situation is suffocating. I've involuntarily lost nearly 20 lbs because though SynK tries his best to take care of the both of us ( even still ), eventually he runs out of money and we're just kind of left scrounging for food, or I'm so down and out about everything I don't have an appetite. I really need to be able to support myself and I'm trying to find ways to do that. Until then, I really can't put as much into this site as I want to.

I may pop in from time to time, and I'll still finish my gift for SS.

For those of you who enjoy my music, I'm trying to find a way to make a bit of income off of my covers ( or I'll have to drop that hobby too which may kill me ). If you would like to help me, you can become my patron, donate or purchase any songs you really like from Loudr or iTunes ( links will be in the description of my videos on Youtube ). This is not a money grabbing scheme, I hate asking for help, but I really need it and I don't know what else to do.

I genuinely love you guys and this site so, so, so, so much. I haven't stopped caring about it, and I haven't stopped wanting to do things for you and with you but I can't juggle all of this right now and I need a break. I hope that one day I can return and put my heart into the site again, and at the moment I intend to, but for now I have to go. I'm still on Skype, and there are other ways to reach me. If you text/call me and I don't respond, I still haven't been able to pay my phone bill and it's finally been turned off lol. Safest bet is Skype.

Thank you for everything.