Where to start... Maybe some warnings/reminders: One, it's long. Two, like everything with me, this will go everywhere before it ties together. Three, I'm bad at explaining things, but I will try to make it all flow alright. Four, it's pretty weird. And five, this isn't urgent at all, actually. It's just bothering me. Okay. I guess I should start with this; I'm almost emotionless. I look like I'm very in touch with my emotions but in reality, I'm kinda not. I act on an almost daily basis, mostly "amplifying" my emotions because while I do have them, they're very... Weak, if you will. If emotions had 5 levels in total, the highest most, if not all, of my emotions can reach is probably level 3. I act like I'm bursting with emotions for the sake of people and myself. That's not the problem, though. Since I'm not exactly in touch with my emotions, I learned to label each through experience; the exact emotion I'm feeling in categories and by degree, so I would know how to be like and the words I would say when asked. In a sense, then, I am in touch with my emotions if by "in touch" you mean I know exactly what I'm feeling and how to act as if I really feel it. Except love. Bam! Le problem right there. I can love, no problem. The only kind of love I have problems with is, typically, the infatuation or the romantic love. I don't know when I have a crush, when I'm really in love (but as I've heard, they're almost the same, right?), all that. I'm so detached from my emotions that I don't show it, but I feel it, and that's enough to drive me insane simply because it's so... foreign. I don't know if I'm just trying too hard to put a label on this foreign feeling, but just in case, I stopped thinking about it. It subsided, thankfully. By now, you could be wondering why I'm not basing it on whether I feel attracted to that person or not. It's because I'm sorta asexual. I'm not attracted to anything. I have a lack in hormonal... Things. Have Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie strip right in front of me, I'd be revolted if not totally neutral (asking why they would strip aside). I wasn't always like this, but well... Mind over body; things happened and I was convinced that love was stupid, so I guess my will to not be attracted was so strong, it actually went against my original orientation. Which all the same is still pretty controversial (bisexual). So far though, Chris Hemsworth has caught my eye; probably mostly because of his voice and the fact I'm color-sensitive (I like how blue [eyes] and yellow [hair] go together). "But you must be attracted to a person by personality!" That's where the whole emotion thing I mentioned up there comes in. My feeling of being with a friend is almost the same with... THIS. Whatever the heck this is! I... I don't know how they're different yet the same... I mean, based on what people told me, this is a crush, but it feels just like friendship only I want to just stay with the person longer... I'm so confused. But I'm not done; the plot unfortunately thickens. The reason this whole thread even happened is because, while I've felt this before and decided to mark this as a "crush", it was with my friend. But that's not all. The problem to this is that I dislike, like, and like-like her (yes, her; and to get things straight, I'm also a girl). Mixed up I tell you. I disliked her because she's just so self-centered sometimes, so insensitive at other times, and so... annoying. Then she always does something that just makes me look up to her as a sort of older sister, as a friend, like I couldn't really imagine myself fantasizing about kissing her or anything. Those two, I feel when I'm with her or away from her; it depends. I only feel this when I'm away from her--and only when I'm away from her. Because of the above, I started doubting on what this is. Is it really just a craving for friendship? Is it really a crush? Are my emotions just so weak that it's just too hard to tell? This isn't an urgent thing since, as mentioned, I stopped thinking about it so much (it was badgering me for a year, 24/7) and it thankfully subsided. Also, I told the girl (who by the way is actually lesbian--go figure) that I had a "crush" on her without telling her the whole thing and she friendzoned me. Plus, I'm a student who values her studies. So no, I can't try having a relationship with her. Basically... I'm really confused about this. What is this? Should I just stop trying to put a label on it? And I guess an added thing... I know I'm too systematic about something as abstract as emotions, so maybe you could help me stop and just let myself feel. I think that would help too. (Basis for "crush"; -I can imagine the person kissing me and feel at least happy. -I want to stay with the person longer. -???) Asdfghjkl; I know I'm problematic...
You're not "Weak" or "Disconnected" What you are is "You" Everybody's different and we all react differently to different feelings, weather it seems it or not :) As for the whole love and crush thing...Honestly before my current relationship every single one of my previous ones had arisen from friendships, granted they didn't work out (Various reasons) but that just goes to show that friendship can be pretty similar to a crush. You don't need any physical desire for it to be a crush, simply the want to be with them, to make them happy. And love. Love develops from a crush, if things go well you find yourself becoming more attached and wanting to make your partner happy any way you can. Not necessarily physically, there is no law saying "If you love someone you will kiss them!" not at all. In fact being asexual generally means you'd compensate your desires in a more mental way as opposed to physically. Really though there is nothing wrong with you and there is nothing to worry about when you feel love you'll know you're feeling it :) trust me it left me a little baffled before I found it :) Best of luck and I hope this helped :)
OMG, I want to hug you right now. XDD Thanks. You did answer my question, so I guess you did help. I'll keep this in mind next time. ;; So embarrassing~ XD
I agree with Agent.T. Life is very confusing and sometimes we just have to go with the flow. You are far from problematic! Friendships can become very powerful. Don't let it fool you! You can be in a friendship and love them in ways that are unique to you. I think people are afraid to love their friends that are the same sex because they are afraid of that word. You know, "gay". Even if it leads into something like that. Who cares? You should love who ever you want no matter who they are. Anyway, I don't think there is anything wrong with you. You'll find your way, just believe it! Nothing has to have a label on it. Life's what you make it.
To clarify... I say I'm problematic cause I posted here quite a few times. XDD But thank you for the encouraging and wise words. I appreciate it very much, thank you~
