Yes, but my point was that you didn't go too deeply into how the others would actually have responded. It makes the story more realistic to make everyone's dialogue more in character. However, that's just my suggestion. *shrug* Like I said, it was a great story; I always try to point out possible improvements... habit from FFnet, I'm afraid.
WRATH-Y! IT'S FMA WRATH!!! *hugs* Have I mentioned that I love Wrath because he's adorable, pathetic, AND a tragic character? As usual, a great chapter! I'm excited for the next installment!
Mm-hm... Interesting. A lot of things were different from how I perceived you would end it. Not sure if I liked the whole "everyone ganging up on Ienzo" recurring theme, though... it kept the rest of the Magnificent Six + DiZ as fairly one-dimensional characters. For your future works, you may want to try working in different viewpoints when writing something in 3rd person. OK! That's enough negativity from me! Time for the positive things; your grammar and word choice were excellent, and the story well-thought out and swiftly updated... whereas my stuff... eh-heh... *hides from reviewers on FFnet that want blood* In all, great story! EDIT: Mm, I forgot; I don't know if or how you plan to continue this, but I thought ending it where you did was a good choice. I don't recommend continuing in the same vein unless you plan to make the rest of O13 more dynamic characters, rather than the fairly static representations in ILD.
I was thinking maybe Aaron Dismuke (Alphonse Elric from Fullmetal Alchemist) would be good, with maybe Hiei (from Yu Yu Hakusho... can't remember the VA's name) would make a good Kanda. By the way... I watched the first eighth of the first episode, and I hated Allen's Japanese voice. >.<
Riza Hawkeye from FMA wins easily in both categories...
Yes, I'm pretty sure police can track telephone numbers up to a certain point. I think it's good the schools did go into lock-down; had it been serious, who knows what may have happened or how many would have been killed? A few weeks ago, we had a bomb scare at my school because someone wrote "I'm going to blow up the school on such-and-such-date" (I can't remember what day it was) on the bathroom wall. We still went into lockdown, and the police were there just as a precaution. I'd prefer being safe and inconvinced than injured or dead.
During CoM. When Riku killed his clone, the clone's heart returned to darkness; however, he had absorbed Zexion before his death. With the power of a Nobody, can the Riku Replica really be killed? And what about Zexion? Introduction and Chapter I Chapter II “Travis, you are indeed smarter than I gave you credit for.†Zexion sounded pleased. “You were able to fool one of Riku’s best friends into believing that you are Riku. We shall remain on this world for about three days to establish my presence, then move on.†“Huh,†Travis grunted noncommittally, adjusting a strap on his boot. After he had told Kairi that some of his memories were fuzzy after spending so much time in darkness, she had shown him around town. Rather than taking him to his own house, Kairi had set him up in one of the guestrooms in her house, claiming that he shouldn’t see his parents until his memory improved; Travis had had no problem with that. He glanced out the window to see the sun casting a rosy red glow across the ocean as it slowly began to dip below the horizon. Zexion was still talking. “Yes, three days should be sufficient to establish my presence on this world so to lure the Trackers here.†“What?†the clone frowned. “What Trackers?†“A type of Nobody modified by Vexen and myself,†he answered. “A variation of the normal Dusk, they were created specifically to seek out strong presences of darkness; such as that generated by a Nobody, for example. A creature of darkness leaves a footprint of sorts as it moves; that is how a denizen of darkness is able to ‘smell’ the presence of darkness. We simply altered the genome to make that trait more prominent.†“No, I meant, who’s sending the Trackers?†Travis leaned down and started to un-strap his black boots. “The Organization has to think that we’re dead.†Somehow he felt Zexion shake his head. “No. There’s a room in our main headquarters called the Proof of Existence. In that room there are thirteen panels; they glow green while our darkness footprints can still be detected. Therefore, while I exist, that panel will glow green.†His tone turned thoughtful. “However, I believe that there’s a way to tamper with that panel so it will stop detecting my presence; perhaps reset it to read the presence of one of my comrades that are confirmed dead. Once we are able to separate, I will travel to the Castle That Never Was to deactivate that panel; that’s the only way to keep our continuing existence a secret.†“And where will you go with your new life?†Travis asked, kicking his boots under the bed and pulling his feet up to sit cross-legged. “That’s need-to-know information,†Zexion responded coldly. “Never forget, while I still exist inside of you, I am the one in control.†Travis felt his mouth sour at the Nobody’s last statement. “So how long until can we go our separate ways?†“Not soon enough,†he echoed the clone’s own thoughts. “The panel in Proof of Existence won’t be tampered with on its own.†Zexion paused. “And what will you do after that?†“That’s need-to-know information,†Travis mocked the Nobody’s earlier phrase. “And you don’t need to know.†“Actually, I do.†The Nobody sounded almost smug. “You have no idea how normal human life works, do you? The memories Naminé implanted into you have begun to fade, and you don’t know why.†His eyes narrowed. “How do you know that?†“I’m part of you, remember? I’ve also worked with Vexen, and I know his methods. Did you think you were the first clone to be created at our hands?†Travis breathed in sharply. “There’s more like me?†“Not ‘like you’; they were crude, always with the same basic flaw, and little to no mental capacity. The original reason we, Vexen in particular, became interested in cloning was that we thought perhaps we could clone ourselves new hearts; unfortunately, these attempts failed quite spectacularly. One can reproduce a biological heart, but never the emotions and memories and feelings associated with it. Hence the flaw inherent in you.†He tensed. “What do you mean, ‘flaw’?†“Your heart is incomplete; you are not much better off than us Nobodies, except in the fact that your mind refuses to accept that and still projects these feeble emotions. The false memories Naminé created don’t belong in your heart, so it is slowly rejecting the information that it can’t process. Also, the fact that you are now having new memories is re-writing the false ones, speeding up this process.†“So you’re saying that eventually all my memories will fade?†He narrowed his eyes unhappily. “Only the ones that don’t belong to you; anything you’ve experienced for yourself will remain in your flawed heart. And for you to keep up this pretense to being Riku, you will need someone to explain how human life works. That’s why I need to know what your plans are. Never forget that I am the one in control.†“Yes, you’ve made your point, I heard you the first time!†Travis snapped. “What is the flaw in my heart? And use terms I can understand!†Zexion sighed. “There can never be a precise copy of a heart created; it is simply impossible for them to coexist. There is a failsafe of sorts to prevent that, and any heart created will be flawed in some irreparable way; that is why all of our earlier experiments in cloning failed. The flaw is-†He trailed off. “Silence! Someone is coming.†“Riku!†came a hiss through the door. “Riku, I’m coming in now, so if you’re doing anything embarrassing, please stop!†“She certainly has a way with words,†Zexion remarked dryly as the door swung open and Kairi slipped into the room. Travis ignored him, watching her suspiciously as she shut the door behind her with a soft click. “What is it?†he asked. Kairi tossed him a small brown paper bag. “Dinner,†she laughed as he tore it open hungrily. She moved across the room and sat down beside him on the bed. “Riku?†“Mmph?†he responded through a mouthful of food. “Chew your food before opening your mouth to speak!†Zexion ordered with exasperation evident in his tone. “I realize that this is your first meal in your entire life, but Vexen must have bred some decency in you.†“Riku...†Kairi continued. “Where’s Sora?†Travis choked and coughed. “What?†he managed. She looked at him earnestly. “Where’s Sora? Why didn’t he come back with you? Have you seen him since you escaped? And how did you get out of the darkness?†Kairi edged closer with every question until she was practically on top of him. “Tell me everything.†Travis shoved a piece of bread into his mouth to give him time to think. “Just make something up,†Zexion advised. “In three days at the most, you won’t ever have to see her again.†He frowned at that, but nodded, swallowing. “Well, I don’t remember a lot from when I was lost in the darkness,†he started between mouthfuls, making it all up spur-of-the-moment. “I don’t even know how long I was there. All I remember is a long stretch of nothing, then some kind of portal or door or... some such that seemed to be made of...†he used the time chewing to think of something, “pure light. “I ended up in this place called Castle Oblivion,†Travis continued his improvisation. “From there, I... made my way here,†he ended lamely. “There’s not much to say... the castle was deserted. I haven’t seen Sora,†he added honestly, almost as an afterthought. “I have no idea where he could be.†“He’s looking for you, you know,†Kairi told him. His head shot up. “Why?†he asked suspiciously. “Because you’re his friend,†she answered simply. Travis didn’t reply to that, looking down at the roll he had clenched in his fist. “Right,†he finally said, the barest hint of bitterness lacing his voice. “Friend.†Kairi gazed at him thoughtfully. “You’ve changed, Riku,†she observed. He felt a spike of fear run through him; she suspected-! “What do you mean?†he asked warily. “You just seem... I don’t know.†She bit her lip and smoothed down her short pink skirt. “You’re... distant, for lack of a better word.†Travis grimaced. “Sorry,†he muttered, not really knowing why he felt the need to apologize. She shrugged and suddenly grinned. “And what’s with the skirt?†He bristled. “It’s not a skirt!†Travis crossed his arms, fairly pouting. “It’s a kama!†He could hear Zexion laughing at him in the back of his mind, a low, surprisingly mellow chuckle; the Nobody had taunted him earlier about his kama. Kairi laughed and poked his shoulder. “Call it what you want, it still looks like a skirt.†“It does not!†he protested, lips unconsciously twisting into a full-fledged pout. She laughed again, and to his surprise, he found himself laughing with her; he didn’t know why. It just felt good. This was not the mocking laughter that he was accustomed to, and he paused, disturbed. “Kairi?†he said finally. “Are you... my friend?†Travis didn’t know why he was waiting so anxiously for her answer. “Of course!†Kairi gave him a light punch on the shoulder. A sudden grin crossed his face; he had never had a friend before! But then her next words, spoken so lightly and innocently, completely crushed him. “Of course you’re my friend,†she repeated. “You’re Riku.†The tentative hope that had been building in his heart was ground to dust, but the only outward sign was his face falling. “Right.†A should from below interrupted the two of them- well, three of them, technically. “Kairi?†a male voice called. “Kairi!†“Coming, Father!†she yelled back. “My adopted father, the mayor,†Kairi explained, seeing Travis’s blank expression. “I have to go down there before he realizes that you’re here; he’ll raise all kinds of questions that I don’t think you have an answer for right now.†She jumped down form the bed and skipped to the door, stopping with her hand on the knob. “If I don’t come back before morning, have a good night.†“Good night,†Travis answered as she slipped outside, “...Kairi.†Once the door was closed, he sighed dejectedly and stared out the window. “That went well,†Zexion observed. “Heh.†Travis laughed bitterly, tearing a chunk from his almost forgotten bread roll, scattering crumbs across the sheets. “Everywhere I turn on this world, I’m reminded that I’m only an imitation.†“Stop feeling sorry for yourself,†the Nobody’s tone was harsh. “You at least have a heart with which to feel loneliness and despair. Pull yourself together, Travis!†The clone was somewhat taken aback by the heat of his tone. “And what’s your problem?†he retorted quickly, resorting to sarcasm as his only means of defense. “Is this where you start crying ‘oh-woe-is-me, I-have-no-heart’?†“No. I’ve accepted what I am; yet I still work toward my ultimate goal. These petty yearnings for a so-called ‘normal’ life are analyzed for possible use, then discarded.†Zexion’s voice had returned to its customary soft pitch. “You need to learn to do the same; unless, if this normal life is what you truly desire, you must go after it and hold nothing back.†“What’s that supposed to mean?†Travis found himself asking, unwillingly curious. He felt more than heard Zexion’s sigh. “The phrase ‘to lose one’s heart’ is not quite true. Though darkness does indeed consume the heart, creating what is so crudely referred to as the ‘Heartless’, when the empty shell of the body is left behind, some small, imprecise fragments are left behind, disjointed and disconnected. These fragments linger because the loss of a heart is very unscientific; though you indeed consume the bread, crumbs yet remain.†He sighed again. “You’re making a mess.†Travis frowned and swept the crumbs from his dinner into a small garbage can beside the bed. “What do your stupid metaphors have to do with me?†“I’m not finished,†he replied testily. “These pieces that are left behind can be bound together by a strong will; though not strong enough to truly ‘feel’, there is nonetheless still a heart, and thus, the Nobody is created. Had we not any hearts at all, it would be biologically impossible for one such as myself to survive. We as Nobodies still possess the very basest emotions; the simple, uncomplicated, instinctual emotions that originate in the body itself, not the heart, such as fear and lust. What we can feel also depends on the memories that are retained. You are similar to this. “You ask how your cloned heart can be flawed; as I said before, there cannot exist two exact copies of one heart. Your heart is created from cast-off pieces of other hearts, and one day your will won’t be strong enough to hold those fragments together, and you will die.†“Cheery,†Travis muttered under his breath. “Therefore, similar to a Nobody, you must be prepared to commit everything to your ultimate goal; if your will weakens at any time, you will die, and it will most likely be quite spectacular.†“And what if I don’t have an ultimate goal?†Travis laid back on the bed and stared up at the ceiling. “I don’t know what to do with my life. All I’ve ever known is deception, sadism, and betrayal.†He snorted self-depreciatingly. “My memories have been rewritten so many times, I’m left to assume that this is even my own will anymore.†“Though you are indeed a copy, there is one thing that can never be duplicated, and that is the soul,†Zexion told him. “Even if your memories have been tampered with, nothing can ever change the soul. Remember that.†“Heh,†Travis grunted, throwing his arm over his eyes to block out the fading rays of the sun. “Whatever.†Mercifully, the Nobody was silent as the clone lolf in thought. “Maybe I will take over his life,†he decided finally. “This seems like a nice enough world.†“Not to mention the attractive female you’ve become acquainted with.†“Not to mention.†Travis ground his teeth together but didn’t attempt to deny it. “It’s just... I’ve never met anyone like her,†he admitted softly, getting up and gazing out the window, over the rooftops of the houses of the town to the sun dipping slowly below the horizon. “She’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.†He shook his head abruptly and yanked the curtains shut with a definitive air. “Well, we’ll see in the morning,†he stated, shutting off the small electric light on the nightstand and throwing himself down on the bed. “We’ll see in the morning,†he repeated in a whisper. A/N: There's no need to worry, SoKai fans... this won't be a Repliku/Kairi. It's a bit one-sided on his part, but he'll get over it. Comments are, as always, greatly appreciated!
Davy Jones in my pants
Why not? Do you have dialup or something? Thank you! Don't get too excited there, Forsaken Shadow... :p Thanks, Mom! :p
Yes; 'tis all your fault... <-- I love that smiley...
Awww... Ienzo.... *hugs Ienzo* You're as bad as Random Idiot... she's determined to make me cry by thinking up all sorts of horrific experiments for the others to subject Ienzo to, and now you're doing (sort of) the same thing! MEH! I may need to steal your other so you can't harm him anymore... *takes Ienzo and runs*
Yay! New chapter! For future reference, in sentences such as , you may want to consider using the word "who had" instead of "which"... that's just my personal suggestion, however. Well, that's always something good to point out to your loyal readers... :p Look, I'm not even through the first paragraph and I'm already picking out favorite quotes... I've got to stop doing that. "Silver-haired Shadow", eh? I like it. 'Tis a good title. You just made me laugh really loudly and obnoxiously, I hope you know... AH! I <3 L, as can be evidenced by my use of his special font for the "L". And I also <3 Alphonse Elric... and Ed too, I suppose... Nice chapter! I loved it! ~Jade
Really? O.O I've never thought about it like that... thank you.
Yeah, I know him pretty well (I thought...). He's been a friend of mine since about teh beginning of this school year. If he were joking, wouldn't he have said so directly after I said that I'd go out with him? Meh... I don't know why I should apologize, but I suppose I could try that.
Zexion of the Twilight and Roxasvsriku, definately. They're far more mature than I am.
Very nice. ^-^ "The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide is Pants Coverage" Panic! At the Disco
Okay, I apologize in advance for wasting the full minute of your life that you spend reading this. Now, this 9th grader (I'm in 10th) asked me out a week or two ago. I said "sure, I'll go out with you."... the next morning, he broke up with me, saying that "he's still a kid inside," and he doesn't want to commit to a relationship. I have several questions; a) Why did he ask if he didn't expect a serious resonse? He didn't ask it in a joking way. Now (this is a week or two later), he's being all offended when I act completely indifferent to him. "What's going on? Ever since we broke up, it's been like World War Three," to which my response was; "This isn't WW3. This isn't even the War of 1812," and I stalked off. b) How the hell does he expect me to be all happy and act exactly the same as before when I'm around him when he played me for an utter fool? Again, apologies for wasting a full minute of your life. I'm done whining now. ~Jade
"Join me, and together we will rule the galaxy as father and pants!" -Darth Vader, Star Wars
4038 Gumby: "My brain hurts!" Dr. Gumby: "Then it must come out!" -Monty Python
4036- It's Jade Rhade. That's rah-day. Got it memorized? Sorry, couldn't resist... :p
