Search Results

E: FIGURES AMAURY WOULD LIKE THIS

can't sleep, got somethin' on my mind, literally sick to my stomach over it, can't really do anything else about it, thought I'd try this.

The whole mess is under the cut. Bit long-winded, it is. Like everything I've ever said in my life. :'D

Spoiler

So there's this friend of mine. Let's call her K.H. Shut up, I'm tired. She and I have had an interesting history. Mostly consisting of her being great and me being a glorified asswipe. Somehow I managed at one point to be really tight with this girl. To the point that I guess... I got it in my head that we could've been a little more than friends?

But when something as rare and precious as that comes along and you're notorious for f██king up such same situations by getting ahead of yourself, saying too much too soon, so on and so forth, you don't just go "Hey you're a dynamite gal how do you feel about us being a unit?" No, you clam up and do everything in your power not to push your luck, and you let that sh█t come out organically.

Well, I'll spare you the whole hundred pages and say, I may have kinda sorta lost the initiative to someone else. Which is cool, hey, I'm still up one really good friend. Kinda caught me off-guard, but whatever! Y'know? I didn't ask how she felt, I couldn't have known where I stood. You play baseball in the dark, sometimes you hit yourself with the bat. Didn't figure it as something worth talking about at the time, I probably would've just come off as a whiner.

I would then proceed to exercise my lack of communication in much more destructive ways, like a couple of severe breaches of trust and effectively cutting myself off from K.H. for an extended period of time. And now we're at the last stop on the train: K.H. and I are, blatantly, no longer close. Which is a bummer. And if we had a Biggest Understatement 2013 in the awards this year, "a bummer" would be a shoe-in for the prize.

I figure at this point either the whole sitch just doesn't weigh on her mind, doesn't even register as a thing that happened, and I'm just some guy she used to talk to - or she hates me. If ye knew what I did, oy... But... her thoughts came out recently, and... I guess I was wrong. I guess she still has a really high opinion of me. Like higher than expected or hoped or dreamed, or conjured in the most blissful psycho-haze of ecs and trance music. Full disclosure I've never done ecstasy so that last one takes some conjecture And even with some wwwwwwwwell-deserved criticisms in the mix, it's still one of the sweetest things anyone's ever said about me.

And I don't wanna distrust that. K.H. is wise, and thoughtful, and smart like a fox. She wouldn't say sh█t about me she didn't believe. But I just feel sick from thinking of it. That somebody can put all these beautiful words down in my name when I'm... well, a jerk. To put it lightly. A talentless, layabout jerk who does more bad turns than good, abuses people's trust, inspires more fear than love-*brick'dshutitnovayou'regettingemo*

And I get this feeling now, like... like the door's open to reconnect. And I'm not even talking to romantic involvement levels. I'm not even worried about that. I lost my chance at that, and I'm probably not gonna get it back. But easily as important to me if not moreso is earning back that really good friend.

But can I even do that? Do I even have the words for it? Worse yet, do I have too many words? I'm pretty sure if I try to talk at all, I'll talk too much, and end up saying something stupid, hurting her feelings or giving off the wrong vibe or whatever. There's still a baker's dozen ways I could make this worse. I don't trust myself. I f██ked it up once, I could end up doing it again.

So how 'bout it, y'all? Is it better to try and fail than to never try? Even after you've failed about five times in a row?

My stomach feels better, so hopefully I can catch some Z's. At the very least, this thread achieved that. :'D