"Guys, would you care to introduce yourselves this time?"
Cross-posted from my AO3 account. Adult themes and precision cussing, beware. Mood music: 1 or 2 Spoiler: To Know Terror He's fucked up the world. Normally a good host oughtn't be so crude, but these words are chosen. He's fucked it all up, and if he could smile, and if only he had ears--He'd be grinning from one to the other. His mind—what we must call a mind, for convenience—flies back to the beginning. The bare gray planet stirs; life forms, sparse yet steady. At a distance it's like a coin, sparkling in a gentle light. He raises his hand, frames the coin between his thumb and forefinger, and flips it, or flips himself. Eons pass as it turns, or he revolves. He halts the coin when its dark side faces him, or when he faces it. With his free hand he reaches, somewhere to his left. Nothing squirms at his touch, wriggles over his fingers. He clenches it, and pulls. Tugging, ripping, snapping. Flailing. A shadow furls around his hand; slime coats his glove. Without moving, the planet is beneath him now, or he above it, holding out the gruesome nothing with both hands. He drops it, and it spirals slowly downwards, like a ribbon. It creeps over the surface. Even from far away he sees its smoky tendrils take form, tracing the cracks and folds, penetrating, digging deep. The whole of Alternia seems to tremble. His mind begins to skip forward. The planet is spinning wildly. The beast sinks deeper, vanishing beneath the water. Children are born and die by it. Children are choked and deafened by it. Always children; the adults like to run far away, like to think they've escaped it or grown past it. But even as planets sprout, the coins spinning and sparkling like a technicolor fortune, it reaches deeper into them. It never lets go. It whispers to them, sweet terrible nothings they will never forget. They endure that madness. It breaks them, but they mend. That horrible nagging whisper in their minds, the tremors that rock them in sleep; everything scars them, nothing stops them. Their eyelids grow dark and heavy, but they clench their teeth and press on. The pain only makes them angrier. They are miserable, ruined. Powerful. Terrifying. It is not sheer force that makes them strong, but lying with the beast; learning it, fearing it. Living it. He watches them grow like jagged, filthy weeds, and he knows his contract has been fulfilled. To the letter, as always. They will win this time. And now his mind returns, to the best approximation of the "present" we could hope for. He sits at a table, fiddling with a chess game. The Kings and Queens are absent. Blacks and whites are scattered unevenly. Absentmindedly he moves all the pieces to the wrong places: Pawns across the board, Bishops in straight lines. No limits. No perspective. No purpose. A thin, wiry huff reverberates from his hollow skull. "I will give you purpose." His typewriter clacks. A protégé requests him. Once more, he wishes he could smile. "I will fuck you up."
You've got some good stuff here. Your story is already shaping up, and with a little smithing it'll be a knock-out. Lots of strong, visceral description helps get it started; the first few paragraphs are full of great phrases like "bony, feathery ball against the steel bars" and "gasp dust into his throat." Jonathan is interesting, and the little details about his belongings and his adaptability breathe life into the character. The way he treats Arianne has potential, though see my notes further down on suggestions there. In general the picture being painted makes me want more, which is a good sign when you're working with things like mutant bird-people, which has been done pretty thoroughly. While the story is interesting, the flow is lost at some points due to clerical errors. One thing you want to avoid is rapidly switching point of view; if I were you, I'd stay in Alexander's head for the first chapter and then switch to Jonathan's perspective for the next one, possibly revisiting some of the first chapter through his eyes. Remember your third-person limited. There's also the fact that I'm not 100% on Alexander being a mutant until mid-way through the second paragraph; I'm between that and thinking you're trying to tell a story from an ordinary bird's point of view. Might ought to solidify it earlier on, maybe with description of some explicitly human aspect of him. The story loses its chemistry somewhat in the last half; things are happening fast, jarringly so, and the events seem loosely connected. Arriane shows up pretty suddenly and doesn't really do much. What was the point of that flash of fire? What things are changing? Be careful with cryptic characters; no matter how badly you want to hide things from your readers, you also want to use their time efficiently and really internalize the sense of mystery. Maybe Arriane mentions that Alexander is special (besides being Birdman) or dangerous somehow, or that Jonathan has some kind of mark? I dunno, throwing ideas out there. The mystery has to be substantial, some tangible "something" that makes the reader want to learn more. To put it another way, a murder mystery that doesn't start with a body and a crime scene is going nowhere fast. Think also about dialogue; you have some good lines, but the characters go through some mood whiplash, from short and rough lines to long, flowery ones. I have a hard time thinking of Jonathan as a little boy when he says things like "Are you not bound as well?" and "I'd much rather a kiss, my lovely lady." Keep the charm, lose the fancifulness; gritty, short-spoken characters can still be elegant and captivating if you write them just right. A good rule of thumb, at least for clipping dialogue, is that you can usually lose the first and last words of a sentence; give it a try and see if it doesn't sound more natural. Sorry for the slap-dash C&C, just noticed this had no replies and went wtf TRAVESTY. Will probably edit this post neurotically for a while, and I might put together a document with more precise comments and suggestions later, if I find the time.
Ok, I get that, and I agree. But I would ask you to practice the tact you're hoping for. Just as most creationists don't appreciate getting knocked around before the discussion even starts, the few people trying to carry on actual intellectual discourse don't appreciate being told to kindly stfu because lol no point. Not that I'm asking you to single people out or anything, that wouldn't be much better at all.
Dibs on Kariya
Yes, thank you for clarifying. I couldn't figure out how to word it dfgdgdffhhgdfhg.
Two things I like about it: 1) You spelled it right 2) It splits between "Supercalifragilistic-" and "-expialidocious" which is where it naturally splits in my mind
Comments like this are hilarious to me because they're like a pyrophobic pyromaniac hastily lighting a small fire, giggling over it for a few seconds, then bolting before it turns into a raging inferno If you don't want the war, don't fire into the crowd. That's if you consider "truth" to be a value that can be increased or decreased, as opposed to a "true - not true" binary. In the latter case, if you study enough epistemology you come to realize that comparatively speaking we're all gibbering idiots :L This is all in the case that one holds "truth" as an external, flawless entity to be sought and attained, which I do not. But my brand of truth tends not to be what everyone's talking about when they use the word. It's a common misconception that your mother-*brick'd* ...Why is Chris one of the only people I'm not mad at in this thread Is it Opposite Day That image is funny on multiple levels because if this were Futurama then you could actually move to another planet :L Misty, I like you. I like your attitude, I like your posts. Except these ones. Where you feel the need to be defeatist about tough discussions. If people's beliefs go unchallenged their whole lives, they become mentally and (possibly) morally weak. Fact is different from belief, and any belief can spring from any set of facts; the theist's challenge, when faced with scientific fact, should not be to shut it out and pretend it doesn't exist, but to work with it and adapt the belief system as needed. Don't tell me it can't be done or isn't done; it's been done for hundreds of years with eastern religions, and even Christianity in all its myriad forms. People deserve better than to be put down for what they believe, but they also deserve better than to be coddled and called stubborn. Not to mention, posts where you call for people to stop trying to change each other's minds since we're apparently all so stubborn are really hypocritical. If folks are so hard-headed, are we to believe they're any more likely to change their minds about their ability to change others' minds? Are you gonna have a revelation from this post alone? Probably not, but the point is made. If people are entitled to their beliefs, then let people believe that they have a truth they need to share, or at least a pretty convincing view everybody else ought to think about. The correct response is not to tell them to shut up, but to get them to use data and real arguments instead of being obnoxious and spiteful. tl;dr if you wanna tell people to stfu, you better damn know some sign language, else you ain't practicin' what you preach darlin'. :v p.s. that song is pretty boss
Except the power of PUFF THE MAGIC SWAGON Next time I can rep you, I have some rep for you
Dragonite. I will commission a rap remix of "Puff the Magic Dragon," get a big loud boombox, and fly around blastin' that shit all day long. Swag.
I own, love, and have beaten most of the hand-held Castlevanias. Circle of the Moon, Aria of Sorrow, Portrait of Ruin, Order of Ecclesia... I also own but haven't beaten Symphony of the Night and Harmony of Dissonance. Same reason in both cases; I get stuck because I can't figure out where to go. I respect the games for their open structure, though, and I'm sure I'd have a ball with them if I put more time into them. Out of those, my favorite is Aria of Sorrow; I could lie and say OoE, but AoS is my most-played and longest-enjoyed. The hand-held Castlevanias kicked off my love of Metroidvanias, along with Metroid Fusion. I'd love to make one of my own Metroidvania one day, adhering more to the Castlevania style, but I don't have the programming/spriting know-how to develop anything freeware. That, and it'll be a long time and a lot of work before I get a chance to work with official systems. I hope the world hasn't forgotten about those games by then... I sure won't.
dsfsdkgjsdhsdgjhdgsdgdsgs holy jesus SO EXCITED. Never got a chance to play the original because I never even heard much about the Dreamcast, much less could I afford it if I had. But JSRF is my literal most favorite game of all time. And people who've played both say the first was better; tighter structure, better mechanics, etc. I kinda like the free-roam aspect of Future, but I'm also a big fan of the original Tony Hawk games, so if the difference is anything like that, I'm all for it.
Wtf? Am I the only one excited for this announcement? Serious nostalgia goggles in this thread. B&W are better games, better than they've ever been, and I'm interested to see where they take the story from here. I might have suspected something like this from the existence of Genesect and the way B&W ended. Someone brought something up on the Tumbles. Almost definitely not gonna happen, but it's a neat idea. What if B&W 2 was the same story... from N's perspective? Other than having to release your Pokes constantly, it might be kinda cool.
All the jokes I put effort into... nothin'. The one timely image macro? Ten clicks. Wat. Granted, it took quite a bit of time and effort to amass such an expansive and versatile collection of macros
Noahs will whup them all.
I need your map
oh my GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTECKS I JUST SHAT IN TEN CONSECUTIVE PAIRS OF PANTS
Thank you
You are not a pony No one here is a pony
...That hurts ;_; Oh Oh oh You have not heard my sarcasm ...How does one have a Roxas haircut [/my type] <3 Polyamory* I thought everyone on this site knew the difference by now You have curves to speak of. Modest, but shapely. You're pretty c: I will say that you look a tiny bit long in the torso, unless that's a long shirt and the jeans are bunched up. But that's if you're being meticulous, and most people don't even notice those things unless you tell them. Because they're BACKHANDED AS HELL
