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Irony Man!!

http://www.eyrie.org/lnh/roster/ironyman.html

Spoiler Alert! In the unlikely case that you live isolated from the world of pop culture and don't know the twist of the Empire Strikes Back, and plan on watching it but haven't gotten around to it, then this story contains spoilers.



“What’s the best Star Wars movie?†asked Richard. “Hmmm…I kinda like Empire best.†replied Irvin. “Ya, see I never gotten into the whole Empire Strikes Back being the absolute best thing. I always preferred Return of the Jedi.†responded Richard. “What!? Empire has the most dramatic ending; it has the big twist about Darth Vader being Luke’s father. The other two just end with big explosions; this one had the smartest and least Michael Bay-esque ending.†preached Irvin. “Well, I started watching them when I was 5. Of course, I was probably also watching them all out of order. I think I even watched Return of the Jedi first possibly. Anyways, when you’re 5, you don’t see the significance of him being Luke’s father. You’re just glad that your dad only gives you time outs rather than chopping your hand off. You didn’t really get the whole impact of not only his is father alive, but the man who he is trying to defeat to avenge his father; is in fact his father. So, yeah, probably the greatest twist in a movie ever is completely wasted on me.†responded Richard.
“What about the twist of Fight Club?†asked Irvin. “Actually you were the one who spoiled that twist for me because you wanted to convince me that there was more to the movie than just Brad Pitt taking his shirt off. You did the same thing for A Beautiful Mind and The Sixth Sense.†replied Richard. “Ooo, right sorry about that.†apologized Irvin. “Don’t worry, my dear friend, I called you here specifically because I was going to rectify those inequities.†said Richard. “What do you mean?†asked Irvin.
“I’m going to present to you, a little invention I made.†said Richard as he picked up a hammer that had 1977 written on it. “This here is a rather brilliant device. It has the power to not only send a person back in time, but to erase their memories as well. It’s simple really, all you do is bonk somebody on the head and they’ll wake up in whatever time is written on the hammer. Since I wrote 1977, it’ll send me to the year 1977; where I shall along with many others attend Star Wars for the very first time. Then I along with many others shall build up expectations for three years as I wait for the Empire Strikes Back to be released. Having done this, then I finally shall be able to truly appreciate the brilliance of Empire Strikes Back. Then I shall wait to see my beloved Return of the Jedi; and then through my mature adult mind; I shall truly be able to decide which Star Wars movie is the best.†said Richard. “You made a time traveling device out of a hammer?†asked Irvin. “I know. It’s not quite as glamorous as DeLorean, but efficient.†said Richard. “You call getting bonked on the head with a hammer and waking up in a different time with amnesia efficient?†asked Irvin. “Hey it works for my purpose. How else can I get the true Star Wars experience.†stated Richard.
“Okay, let me get this straight; the first man to invent a time traveling device, invents one that gives you amnesia and no way of returning to your original time. Not only that, but the reason for creating the device; is so he can watch three movies over the course of what 6 or 7 years. Movies, which he’s seen dozens of times before no less.†inquired Irvin. “Well, when you say it like that…it does sound kinda dumb†said Richard. “However it won’t sound dumb in 1977, baby!†said Richard as he grabbed the hammer and clunked himself on the head and passed out.
Richard awoke, in a small field. He ran towards a road waving his arms around like a maniac (or at least it would be “like a maniac†if the aforementioned person wasn’t a maniac). A group of teenagers were driving by in a Trans Am. They pulled over. “Hey dude, you seem off edge, need a lift.†said the driver. “Sure, why not.†replied Richard. “We were just heading off to see Star Wars.†said the driver. “What the hell is Star Wars?†asked Richard who was completely unaware that his grand master plan was working out perfectly.
Several hours later, they were walking out of the theatre. The Trans Am driver, whom we shall call Dave, said “So, how did everyone like it.†His friends said things like “It was pretty goodâ€, “It was funâ€, and “I liked the part when they gone done blewed up that thar death starâ€. Richard exclaimed “That was the greatest movie ever!!!†and then he started playing with an imaginary lightsaber.
Over the course of the next year; Richard watched Star Wars many times, bought many Star Wars merchandise, and often talked about Star Wars. Then on November 17, 1978; he ran to the television set and pushed everyone aside screaming “Hey, we’re gonna miss the best event in television history!†He then turned on The Star Wars Holiday Special. 2 hours later, “What the hell was that?! My, god, who would have thought George Lucas would release a Star Wars product of such low quality. I mean for god’s sake; the first ten minutes is just Wookies growling!†complained Richard.
On May 21, 1980; The Empire Strikes Back opened in theatres. Richard, Dave, and some friends were in line. “Yo, Richard, if this is as crappy as that Life Day nonsense, you can walk home.†threatened Dave. “Don’t worry, I have a gut feeling it’ll be good.†replied Richard.
They sat in the theatre and watched this magnificent sequel. They were all thoroughly enjoying the film. Then they got to the big moment, the moment that Richard had no idea he had been waiting his whole life for. It was right after the intense lightsaber duel, when Darth Vader said one of the biggest, most surprising, and misquoted lines in cinema history “No. I am your father.†dun dun dun. The theatre all gasped in shock. One obnoxious person shouted “Oh, no he didn’t!â€
After the film ended, people began to leave. However, Richard remained seated. Dave said “Ok, that movie rocked. You don’t have to walk home now.†Richard just sat there not saying anything. “Okay, let’s go.†said Dave. Richard remained seated. “The credits are over and everything, let’s hit the highway.†said Dave. Then one of their friends, Steve, put his hand Richard. “He has no pulse.â€
Later, the paramedics confirmed Richard died of a heart attack. “The shock of Darth Vader, being Luke’s father must have shocked him to death.†said Dave. “Yeah, thanks for ruining the movie for me, jerks.†said the paramedic as he zipped up the body bag of the time traveler.