A Clusterfk of Emotion

Discussion in 'Help with Life' started by ♥♦♣♠Luxord♥♦♣♠, Feb 27, 2015.

  1. ♥♦♣♠Luxord♥♦♣♠ Chaser

    Joined:
    Jan 13, 2009
    1,773
    Hey guys, long time no rant.

    So to be honest I really don't know where to begin, I guess I could start off by saying things have actually been really great (up until recently), I've been doing very well in school (somehow managed to keep a 4.0), my head injury has been in check for a very long time, and I've been kicking my butt with healthy eating/exercise for about a month now which makes me feel great.

    Unfortunately things aren't all sunshine and rainbows. A while back my grandmother (on my mother's side) started showing signs of Alzheimer's/dementia. It was fairly slow at first but I guess you could say I saw it coming before she was officially diagnosed. My grandmother has always been a really social and outgoing person, really fun to be around as there was never a dull moment if she was there. That's when you could say things started to go wrong. Sparing you all from having to read a wall of text about what Alzheimer's does to a person, right now she is not very functional. If we are talking to her she will forget what we said and ask us to repeat ourselves several times. My mother has taken over her finances completely as she cannot be trusted with her own checkbook, credit & debit cards, etc. She also cannot drive which leaves taking care of her to my mom and her brother, mostly my mom to be honest as my uncle is kind of a jackass (I help out as much as I can, school can be tough and get in the way though).

    It doesn't end there though. A few weeks back my mother went with my grandmother to go to the doctor to get her breasts checked out to see if she had any lumps (checking for cancer). So it turns out they found something and then did a biopsy to check to see if it was cancerous. We got a phone call from my uncle saying everything was okay, my grandmother told him what happened during the appointment as he was the one who drove her. A few days later my mom got a call from my grandmother, she was really upset because she just heard from the nurse at the cancer place and it turns out she actually DOES have it. Turns out my grandmother (knowing her usual tendencies I don't know why I was surprised) didn't retain much of the information that the doctor told her. She left that day thinking she didn't have cancer, when she in fact does.

    She is going to a doctor (in march if I can remember correctly) to get a full checkup. From what my mom can see, my grandmother has the symptoms of what appears to be stage 2 breast cancer at the very least. She has spots all over her legs, etc. I won't go into too much detail, truth be told because its hard to remember all of this stuff it has been happening so fast.

    Oh and the other day at dinner my mom pretty much all but confirmed that she'd rather see my grandmother (her mom) die from cancer than slowly lose her mind and die suffering. Which I agree with, both suck, but if one has to happen I'd rather she go quickly/peacefully as much as possible. But wow, that is a tough pill to swallow....


    So where does this leave me? Well my grandmother on my mom's side is the last person on that side of the family that is still alive, that I can really say I love. That may be weird to hear, but it is true. I am sure some of you can understand, families can be fragmented and that means you don't really get to spend time with them and developed the bonds needed to really say that you LOVE that person.

    For those of you who are unaware (which might not be very many of you) I am a very emotional person. I guess you could say I wear my heart on my shoulder. I was a wreck when my grandfather died and I cannot for the life of me fathom the sadness that is to come in the future. It is already really hard to deal with. Now I'm not what you would call 'depressed', trust me I've been there and I know this isn't it. I just feel a bit, I don't know...crushed? That might be the word. I love my mom's side of the family, specifically my grandmother and grandfather, but to have both of them gone. Damn that messes me up by just typing it.


    I guess what worries me the most is that things were going so well for me in terms of overall happiness. Hell some of you might have noticed, I haven't been starting shit with anyone on here, that must be a good sign. I'm not saying I am going to turn into some a-hole once things get worse. I just don't think my heart can take anymore of this.

    I've also been this entire time an emotional "wall" for my mother to lean on and vent to whenever things go wrong. How is she supposed to vent to me if I am the one currently breaking down.

    Ugh, I am sorry for this i just had to get this out. Feel free to say whatever you want. Share a story, give advice. It doesn't matter. I just really needed to do this.
     
  2. LARiA Twilight Town Denizen

    Joined:
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    Tough. I don't know what I would do if my grandmother died, she is the one person outside my immediate (nuclear) family that I can genuinely say I love-- yes, it is difficult to be close to extended family especially when you don't live in the same country. I think it goes without saying, spend time with your grandmother. You don't want to have any regrets when she passes, which at this point seems very possible; while it's ideal to stay positive one must also look ahead. However, take care not to rush her passage and try to keep yourself together. You can do it. Everyone has suffered from the conditions of loved ones, and emerged from grieving not unscathed but alive. At least you're not alone.

    I don't really have a lot to say, because I've never had to face the possibility of a member in the family dying. I've had pets die, to whom I was extremely close to. My maternal grandpa was dead years before I was born, the paternal one died before I was old enough to truly care. My other, American grandmother treats her grandkids as tokens when she isn't distantly senile.

    I have a question though. Does losing one's memory have to be such an ordeal? I can see why you, your mum, and her loved ones might be affected. But there's no reason why she should be "suffering" for a prolonged period of time, so long as she's taken proper care of and people take care to recognise her disability...
     
  3. ♥♦♣♠Luxord♥♦♣♠ Chaser

    Joined:
    Jan 13, 2009
    1,773
    The best example of why losing your memory to such an extent is such a big deal is just danger. There have been many times she has been like "oh I'll just pay for this", which could lead to even more financial ruin than she is in right now. Or "oh I should take my medicine", which could lead her to either taking too many or none at all. Or some extreme cases such as "Oh I'll drive to the store". She can't nor should she drive in the condition she is in, in fact the doctor forbid it, for good reason.

    I hate using a word like this, but when someone 'decays' like this mentally, pretty much everything needs to be done for them.


    I don't even know if I properly answered your question, so I apologize ><
     
  4. LARiA Twilight Town Denizen

    Joined:
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    No, you've been perfectly understandable and right. I was naive not to consider her condition from this aspect. I hope she recovers from cancer first and foremost, and take it from there. Priorities.

    Good luck.
     
  5. Patman Bof

    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2010
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    Location:
    France
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    We fear my grandma might have it as well. She' s a stage 2, meaning we can' t tell yet if her memory loss is the usual benign kind that comes with old age or the real deal.
    I' ve been living in the same building as her for half a decade now and I was abashed when my mum told me, I didn' t see it coming at all. Now it' s just glaring. The moment I realized something was definitely off was when I drove home with her, back from the family country house, following her car with mine. When we reached our town she took the wrong turn, but instead of going back she stopped her car and looked around, clearly not having the slightest clue where she was anymore.

    My family has bought her agendas, medicine boxes labelled for each day of the week, subscribed her to activity clubs etc ... in the hopes that she won' t reach stage 3. Memory is a muscle, use it or lose it. She wouldn' t take any of those initiatives on her own, she' s just been a shadow of herself ever since her husband passed away. Which is completely understandable. I live alone too, I know it takes a toll after a while.