Accept that I'm going to be alone?

Discussion in 'Help with Life' started by Maka Albarn, Sep 23, 2013.

  1. Maka Albarn It's called love

    Joined:
    May 7, 2008
    Gender:
    Panda
    Location:
    Fairy Tail
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    Lately, I've been struggling with a lot of problems in my life. Heh, to people who know me, it seems like I'm always struggling but this time it is different. I feel like... I can't talk to anyone. I mean, I'm going to therapy and whatnot, and I tell people here and there about a little of my struggles, but when I'm home and not with my therapist, it seems like I don't have many people to talk to. Or at least, no one at all.

    I don't have a best friend I can call in the middle of the night when things get rough for me, I don't have anyone I can just drive over to their house when I'm down, I don't have anyone to really instant message when I get so broken and feeling like I can't pick myself up... And it's getting harder and harder to reach out to people, because either it seems like they're too busy, I make them uncomfortable with my problems/dark thoughts that are brewing, or they don't want anything to do with me. I try to make things happy all the time for that time being and try not to be that unsuspecting rain cloud and dump everything that's bottled up in me on them... But it seems like even if I let even a little of my trapped side out, I shut people off and they quickly want to move to happier things. Like, I can't be honest with anyone. I have to lie constantly how I'm really feeling to everyone but my therapist.

    For example, it seems like since I left KHVs last year because of big issues happening with me, people have assumed I didn't want anything to do with them anymore. I try to start conversations with them on Skype now, but I either don't get a reply or the conversation is short lived. I mean, it feels like I chose to be alone during that big time I was struggling, and I sort of did... But now I feel like I sentenced myself to not ever have any friends again. It seems like all my friends here, and elsewhere, have been disappearing one by one, they don't want anything to do with me anymore, or they're just not interested in me. I probably hurt a lot of people... and maybe I don't know the extent of my damage... But I don't know how to really talk about that here.

    I just feel like because of who I've become over the years (from a Friendly_Heartless who loved everyone, to Maka the cool chick who seemed pretty strong, to now just this broken mess...) I'm not going to ever have a shot of making friends again, or repair the friendships I've damaged...

    Should I just accept that I'm going to be alone for a very long time? That no one wants to get involved with me and my life because I break down too much and told myself over and over again I don't deserve friendship or love because of this?

    I don't know who to reach out to anymore...
     
  2. Menos Grande Kingdom Keeper

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2012
    Gender:
    Cisgender Male
    Location:
    Brazil
    161
    858
    I think everyone has to learn to "live by themselves" to love "themselves before loving others" and stuff like that, It is only that this is difficult depending on your personality, I for instance, I don't bother "not talking" when I don't feel that is necessary, I am an Introspect person. My sister can't shut her mouth, It seems like it physically hurts her not to talk, or someone talk to her.. when those around don't respond to her eagerness to speak and communicate her feelings, she often get depressed.
    Not saying that being introspect person is better, and that introspect people don't get depressed.. but I think that as an advantage we really start to appreciate being alone, and thus liking ourselves (it will be unbearable to be alone, If you don't like yourself first!).
    So thats a lesson that I try to pass.. I do fine on my own, and without even noticing I start to attract people to me(If I like myself, probably others will too). I never though that I would go so far in life, I couldn't even imagine having a girlfriend when I was a teenager, but now I have one and love her.. I could have gone into that self pity route hating my lonliness and myself for that matter, but because I didn't things got better by itself.
    I woul suggest that you embrace your lonliness and see the bright side of it, If you are alone there are no outside expectations of you, the pressure is weaker and you say what pace will your life take.. you can spend time doing "selfish" activities, and start to like yourself... eventually friends will appear (of course If you are out there in the world).
     
  3. Daydreamer

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 2007
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    137
    Maybe your friends don't know what to do in a situation when someone they know is in pain. It might be hard for your friends to understand what mental / emotional concerns you must be going though. It also might be possible that they think what you need is a change of subject to get your mind off of what's troubling you. But if it is as you suspect, it's possible your friends aren't in a good state of mind to talk about such matters. Such topics might bring them down and they'll avoid it. There comes that point where talking about your problems stops being about looking for support from a friend, but looking for an ear. What I do, is I ask a person that I want to open up to if they're comfortable with such discussion. If I want to tell them a secret that has many negative connotations, I look out for signs that they'll be okay with it. Be honest and upfront, but don't go in too deep too fast, and always try to keep in mind how they're feeling about all this. A good friend will let you feel safe with opening up.

    To find new people, you might want to try looking for a support group for your particular troubles. You'll find others there that will understand and will want to talk about it.