This is my mostly me explaining my life, current situation and seeking advice Okay to start off I was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome when I was six and my outlook on life is very different to other people I know, but that is not the main concern, at least not today. I trained at a young age to help with my some of my symptoms (Mostly speech). I had good friends understanding friends who accepted my personality quirks and my home life was great until I was about ten. My mother got a new boyfriend (I have little to no contact with my father and his side of the family for very good reasons) anyway my mother’s new boyfriend is not the understanding type, over the years he has verbally and emotionally abused me with anger and insults and just being a horrible person in every way possible and just bringing me down whenever I feel good about myself (And it’s just me who gets this treatment because quote “I am weird” along with many other unsavoury words and statements about me) and after a few years it seemed my mom might kick him out, then my older brother died when I was thirteen just before the Christmas holidays started (Literally the second last day of school that year, I was lucky and already had the day off). Even at the age of thirteen I was accustomed to people dying (A lot of my brother and sister’s friends died in car crashes) but this was the first time I had been emotionally affected by it but I didn’t know how to properly display my grief and I didn’t want to worry my mother who was understandably devastated so I bottled up all the grief. Matters got worse when my brother’s girlfriend (A gold digger in the best terms) attempted to seize all his assets weeks after his death and my mother was the estate trustee, and the abuse resumed as well, once again I bottled up all my anger and frustration at the situation I was in and went on as normal. Over a year later in grade ten after bottling up the abuse, grief, anger, frustration and sheer pressure of school I collapsed one day at school (One of my less glamorous moments) and was transported to hospital. The doctors said I probably collapsed from the sheer physical stress of school and everyone left it at that. After that day things seemed to lessen up until grade twelve where I missed the first two months of school due to being in hospital. When I finally returned I was forced to do two months of school work from six subjects within one week (I failed) and to make matters worse for some reason a previous friend of mine for some reason hated me and started bullying me, and at home the verbally and emotionally abuse started up again. It should be no surprise to anyone who has read this far that I once again bottled it up again, I was so used to holding everything in and showing fake emotions that it had (And still is, we are getting to the point) instinctual to hide how I truly feel. At one point I realised that no matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t get happy no matter how hard I tried, I had no idea what was wrong but as soon as I was alone my facade dropped and I was just plain miserable. I eventually realised I was falling in depression and forced my mother to take me to the doctor (She believed I was anaemic) but I talked to my doctor alone and explained how I felt and my situation and they helped and for a while everything started to get better, especially when I graduated school. But now we reach the current problem, at the age of 21 I still live with my mom, my sister and of course my mom’s boyfriend due to financial problems after losing my job and re-entering TAFE (Think community college). Most of the time when he is around I stick to my room because whenever he is around he always starts up with the insults and comments but I feel like I did back when I was in grade 12, I remember it all very vividly especially all the emotions (Mostly anger) and for the first time in my life my shell is cracking, my anger (Which there is a lot of) is seeping through (along with a lot of sarcasm which I use to calm myself and hold back the anger but everyone always takes seriously). I have tried talking and explain things but honestly a brick wall is more understanding then him. If I explode emotionally and let out all the repressed anger I know in some way I will end up hurting my mom and sister who have been very good to me but if I keep bottling it up I will slip back into depression and my doctors already have to keep checking that I don’t slip back into depression. So KH vids do any of you have advice for me?
I am very sorry to hear you have been going through all of this. From what I read, you definitely have been through a lot in your lifetime. And you know, you are a really strong person to have been through all of that and still be the good person you are today. =) For advice: Holding in your emotions is not good for you at all. When you hold in emotions, they just keep building on top of each other until your body can't handle it anymore. (As you have experienced.) Which is bad for your health. If ever you feel that you have locked a feeling inside you, the best thing to do is to talk to someone. Maybe a psychiatrist, a close friend, your mom, or even your sister. Let out how you are feeling a little at a time so that they all don't come out simultaneously in the most unwanted way. Even keeping a journal to let your emotions out is helpful. It's not just a girl's thing, I promise. An online journal perhaps? As for your mom's boyfriend; have you tried to talk to your mom recently about how he is still treating you? A mother's child no matter what age is her happiness, so I don't think she would tolerate her boyfriend continuously treating her son that way. Don't listen to him when he puts you down. If you feel proud of yourself for something, you stay proud. Don't let him make you feel you must fall from your high point, because you deserve to be there. If ever he says a rude comment or puts you down, "let it go through one ear and out the other." Because what he says is wrong and you don't need to listen to it. Please don't hold in your emotions and talk to someone about how you are feeling. Getting them off your chest can take so much weight off your shoulders and make you feel much better. It can help prevent cases of depression as well. People are there to listen. Also, it's okay to be 21 and living with your mom. You are still going to school and while enduring financial hardships, it's okay to still be living at home. =) I wish you the very best with your situation. I know these are rough times, but think positive, be strong, and keep working hard. Things will get better in time. Just hang in there until that moment comes. -hugs-
