Emotional Band-aid

Discussion in 'Help with Life' started by Krowley, Apr 14, 2014.

  1. Krowley Moderator

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    Will try to make this short.
    So in the past 5 years, I've had 3 relationships in which I felt very strongly for the other. All three of these relationships have more or less ended up in the same way.

    Relationship One
    Around the time of my senior year in high school, I asked out a girl from my drama class in the first semester. To my shock, she said yes, and we went on for nearly a month with until the end of the semester. This is one of the more typical ones that I didn't feel as strong about, but she was still my first and only high school girlfriend. We laughed, we went out, typical teen things. The one that really got me here is how it ended. She asked if she could talk to me one day after school, so my being the paranoid person I am, met her at the place she wanted. Firs thing I asked here was "So who's the other guy?"
    I said it in a sort of joking way, but what she said next was far too ironic.
    "Actually, you kind of are the other guy..."
    I just stared blankly for literally a minute, and asked for the whole explanation. Turns out she was really only dating me because her boyfriend never listened to her. (I didn't even realize we weren't a public thing since I liked how we were so private all the time) To make things even weirder. the guy was on my football team. I never told him about it, and according to facebook, they are still together. Yay them?

    Relationship Two
    After high school, I thought it best to sort of steer clear of any girl who looked like she could cause me high school sitcom drama. Damn, did I mess that up.
    I met this girl through a friend of mine who said she just went through a break-up. I talked to her with my similar situation and after some talking, we found out we had things in common and just generally thought alike. This was a cool person. I would have been fine being friends until she asked me if I wanted to go on a date. (First time a girl asked me, so I didn't really want to turn it down) We watched a movie, took a walk, and before the date ended she asked that if we continued, if we wouldn't get too serious.
    I like to treat a girl right and show her I care, but I respected this. After my last relationship I thought it would be good to keep things a little casual.
    About every other weekend or so, we'd do something fun or just chat online. Simply ritual that went along for 2 months or so. Entering the third month while just laying on the grass, discussing life, she said that she wanted to get more serious. And we did... for about 2 more weeks. On breakup day, she thanked me for helping her adjust into better relationships since her previous boyfriend said she would get back together with her if she could learn to stop fooling around with people. It made me feel like the whole thing was just a test to her. When I confronted her on if it was, she just bluntly replied; "Well, not like a test, but like, proving I could be with some one for a long time. And you helped me pass!" She hugged me, and that was pretty much the end of that. To this day, I still can't believe that was the end result. I really wish I made this one up.


    Relationship Three
    I really had high hopes for this one.
    We met on a bus stop, (Not exactly a place to hook up, but whatever) while I was looking for work and took buses to new jobs. I found some temporary work and for the first four trips, she was always there, listening to music and/or reading a book. This was just a year after the last relationship ( Winter 2011 now) and she was so beautiful, I could just sing about it. (I didn't of course...) And she looked like the booksmart, shy type, which was different from my last two, and to be frank, I think that just made her more attractive to me. Since it takes me forever to muster up courage to talk to a pretty girl, I eventually just tapped her on the shoulder and stroke up conversation since we usually sat there for about 20 minutes before the bus came. It took about 3 or 4 rides before I actually asked her out. I know I was trying to stay off girls because of the first two, but she just had so much I liked about her. She played videogames, loved Disney, (KH included) she was funny, a talented singer with a soothing voice, and had such soft skin and big brown eyes. We hung out and that blossomed into something serous after 2 months in the spring. This was something I wanted to work since it was the first time it felt like I was getting just as much out of it as she was. She actually got me into writing again, helped me gain confidence, showed me the wonderous world of books. (I already read books, but she increased my library by a ton load) My favorite memories were when we just cuddled and watched Netflix.

    I didn't want this to end. I wouldn't let this end. Every time I saw her, I would show my appreciation in little, subtle ways, and always go out of my way to show her how much she meant to me. I would find ways to make her smile, and vice versa. This made the ending all the more heartbreaking. Before we could enter a fourth month, she called me over to her apartment. She didn't mention the talk part, but I just took any chance I had to see her. I go in and she tells me all about he camping trip she had with her friends. Her room mate, whom I never paid any mind to as he always was in his room when I was there, proposed to her before they got back home. She showed me the ring and just cried and smiled at me. The words she spoke still burn in my head.
    "I thought he'd never propose. All these feelings he had for me were still there. I couldn't say no."
    Her face had a mixture of "tears of joy" and "sorry man."
    I didn't know how to respond so I just walked away. I didn't reply or talk to her ever again. I was done.
    Maybe if I listened or asked then I might have gotten a little closure, but for that whole month I didn't want to anything. I gave up on the thought of being in a happy relationship.





    So as you can see all the story endings seem to have a central theme.
    While typing this up, I was trying not to make this as an affirmation thread, but more of a "What am I doing wrong?" thread. I've come up with my own theories, such as maybe putting too much, too early, but I'd like to hear other opinions. I feel like I'm the emotional band-aid a girl uses to feel better before I'm ripped off and tossed away when I've served my purpose. Maybe I'm bad at picking them, or just feel too much, but this has really put a strain on my mind lately. I'd like to say these are learning experiences, but it's really shot down my confidence and turned me away from trying to find a significant other. I want to be happy and move on from them, but they're like little ghosts that keep reminding me that I will only be in that state of love filled bliss for the sole reason of the girl's benefit in being with some one else. The really sad thing is I can never recall any of them saying I was their boyfriend. I was just always, "friend" or "insertrealnamehere," when introduced to people. Either way, it was good to cleanse this out of my system.
     
  2. Amaury Legendary Hero

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    Considering I have no personal experience with relationships, I'm not sure how much help I can provide, but I can say you shouldn't stop trying. Somewhere in your area is a girl that's perfect for you.

    I don't think you're doing anything wrong from reading your post, you're just having some very unfortunate bad luck. The only thing I can see, though it's not necessarily wrong, is that it seems you got into the relationships relatively quickly. Try being only friends for a while, like maybe a month or two, before even talking about a relationship.

    If you want anyone to talk to you, even if it's just to make you feel better, you know you're more than free to contact me on Skype.
     
  3. Ars Nova Just a ghost.

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    Man, sounds like you just had a bad streak. I know, it's hard to hear, but sometimes that's the way the dice fall. The first girl made a big mistake, the second was just cruel, and the third... Well... Sometimes people just get stuck. They're not sure if they should feel this way or that way, if they should hold out hope for somebody or move on, and it's tough and pretty awkward to communicate that stuff to someone else. It gives the impression you're not committed to them—which probably would've hurt you, since it's happened several times. But in the end her indecision probably hurt you worse. These are the mistakes we make when we care.

    Anyway, I've been a similar situation, and because of that I think you already know if you're doing anything wrong. It's all in the little gestures, things that would be too hard and take too long to explain, but deep down you usually know when you've made a misstep. And if you don't know, or you think you're being paranoid, you can always ask for feedback from your partner. The truly hard part is using that constructively, rather than letting it weigh you down with guilt and self-hate. Don't be too hard on yourself—In all likelihood you've got a lot to offer and you just haven't found somebody who's buying. Nobody starts off as a prize catch, you've gotta work on it.

    The best thing you can do outside of a relationship is find other priorities. The busier you are, the more you do and the more passionate you are about things, the more likely you are to attract someone. The best thing while you're in a relationship is not to get in your way too much, and what I mean by that is: If you get the urge to do things like kiss, cuddle, get her gifts, honestly just let it rock. Unless it's something you legitimately don't like about yourself and you wanna change it for your own sake, because to keep up the relationship you'll just have to keep fighting them, and it'll tire you out. Your partner will discover you're not the person you've made yourself out to be, and the whole thing will start to crumble. Find someone you like for who they are and who likes you for who you are—I know, herculean task, but with things like this you go hard or you go home.
     
  4. Mixt The dude that does the thing

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    I have literally no experience here but I like to people watch and help people so I've probably learned a thing or two (perhaps through distorted lenses). I would agree that I don't think you've been doing anything wrong. The only "fault" is not being aware of the side relationships going on, but you would damage the relationship a lot more by being jealous and looking for the guy that might not exist. That said, being open and honest about this can't hurt. Not that you need to (or should) load her up with all your emotional baggage just like that. But with stuff like, this it would probably help to get off your chest if you see it getting in the way. Maybe it won't help (like I don't think things with girl 1 would have changed), but it might. Keep in mind that a lot of people view dating very casually and might not be all that saddened when someone breaks it off, and people tend to default to think that others see things the same way they do. She may hurt you and never know it if you don't tell her.

    Good luck. Like I said at the beginning, I've seen hearts get broken over some really stupid stuff. Based on what you said here (and what I know of you in general) you deserve better than what you've been dealt so far.
     
  5. Misty gimme kiss

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    I'm going to deviate here and say subjugation can be a choice. I do believe you have been, in most of those situations, just the victim of poor circumstances, but you can't pawn all of this off on the girls. It sounds like you are rather submissive in all of these relationships (even if you initiate), the kind of guy who will go wherever and do whatever. It's tempting to do that in relationships, especially ones you're quite invested in, because you take it as being courteous and not making trouble... but sadly, if you make yourself a doormat, people are going to step on you. Every single one of these girls have taken advantage of you, some in worse ways than others, but recognizing that this happens to you a lot and adjusting your behavior could go a long way.

    I'm not saying that you should become an overly-confident dirtbag (just imagining applying those words to you is quite funny to me, Krowley, hah), but try not to get stuck playing the Nice Guy role to girls. Obviously you can't really know someone's relationship status and emotional/psychological dealio until you actually get involved with them, but showing that you are a confident person (without going overboard & freaking them out) will tell people not to use you.

    Hope some of this helps, it's all quite abstract, but I often feel that just writing out your thoughts and recognizing your patterns gives you a subconscious/semi-conscious awareness of them, and you then, naturally, correct them. I don't deny that there is some component of luck involved with this, and just finding the 'right person/people', but there are things you can do. xo
     
  6. ♥♦♣♠Luxord♥♦♣♠ Chaser

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    From personal experience, one reason people don't stop being a "doormat" is due to that person thinking that stepping on / taking advantage of someone is wrong, and if they are going to find the right person, that person won't take advantage of them so why bother changing.

    I think to a degree that mindset is very sound and it makes sense, the only downfall is that you will be getting hurt a lot more. Whereas if you take some of the advice in this thread including what Misty said, things are going to be a lot easier for you. Remember man, you aren't changing for them, you are changing for you. You deserve the happiness, don't forget that. Best of luck dude.
     
  7. Shiki my waifu is better than yours, thanks

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    To me, you seem a bit too nice for your own good. This comes from talking with you as well as this thread. You always seemed to be the one that did everything you could to try and make relationships work, but at the same time, the girls could also be at fault. Each one seemed like they used you for some reason or another and to me it's just unfair. But life is like that. It makes you go through heartache and pain before you can truly find that one person you're destined to be with. Even if you don't find that person, most times people are happier alone than with somebody else. Then, there are the people who would rather be surrounded by friends and people they care about that they talk with them occasionally or all the time.

    To me, Krowley, you are the type of person who'd benefit from having a lot of friends. You'd be able to really shine as yourself with people you feel comfortable around and not having to put up a front for somebody that may or may not be using you. I think that you should make friends and talk about things and have fun with them and enjoy life to it's fullest. A lot of times, having a good friend to talk to when you're feeling down is 100 times better than having a girlfriend or boyfriend. Because there are just some things that can't be said to your lover that can be said to your closest friends.