Okay khv last night...

(I wasnt sure where to post this but if this is in the wrong spot please move is D: )

NOTE: No religioun bashing. Also sorry if there is typo's im half asleep XD

My ex's girlfriend starting talking to me. She had made it extreamly clear in the past that she isn't my friend anymore. But last night she was having life problems and started telling me about it. So I did what I could to help her with a kind heart. So during our talk she asked me "Why are you still so friendly with me?" And I gave her my truthful reply and said " I see no point in hating if there is no good to come of it. My god tells me to forgive so I forgive and still treat the people who hurt me with respect" She got real pissed. She told me that was my way of saying I pitty her and that I put her down and look down on her. Wich to me doesnt make sence. She was trying to start a fight with me. I kept calm and just answered her qustions with a nice answer even though they pissed her off. She threanted me so I called her on it. That got her eve more pissed and all she kept saying was "Whatever"

Later on she keeps telling me that I should hate her. I told her (and its true) that I don't. She told me if i still feel pain after what she did. I told her yes (wich i know for some of you i shouldnt. but im not gana lie) and that I still walk with the pain everyday but im starting to move on. She told me if I move on that it proves I never loved him and thatI don't care about him.

Through all of this she is telling me I should hate her but she gets mad when I tell her I dont. There is two things I ask you KHV and need honest answers.

1. Should I hate her? Why hate somone when in life no good comes of it and I wasted most of my life hating somone? Should I hate her and stop being nice if she needs help?

2. She told me if I moved on I never loved him and that I never cared. Now alot of you know how I am and will believe alot of things ;-; But it got to me last night. Is what she said true?​

 

You shouldn't. I think she feels guilt and wants to be hated for it, but there really is no reason to.

That can't be true. He broke your heart so if you didn't care for him then it wouldn't of hurt at all. The best thing for you to do is to move on and in no way does it mean you didn't care for him. ​

 

If you're looking for a Christian Answer here's one:

Forgiving others may seem to be a choice, and in one sense it is a choice, but God has been very clear about forgiveness. He has given us specific direction in numerous Scriptures. The Bible says, "And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins" (Mark 11:25). "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven" (Luke 6:37). God is saying that it is in our own best interest to forgive. He is not talking about what is in the best interest of the person who needs to be forgiven. We are the ones who God is trying to protect. We are the ones who receive the most benefit from forgiveness, not the other person. Unforgiveness complicates and compromises our daily walk with God as Christians. Forgiving others releases us from anger and allows us to receive the healing we need. The whole reason God has given us specific direction is because He does not want anything to stand between us and Him. God's love for us is beyond our comprehension. Forgiving others spares us from the consequences of living out of an unforgiving heart. God has not qualified one sin as being more grievous to Him than another and He has not qualified one sin committed against us as warranting forgiveness and another not. He is saying to forgive everyone, always, and do it immediately.

 

I'm no professional when it comes to grudge-matches between girls (obviously), but most people don't expect others to be the "bigger person", since most people out there just.......aren't very nice people, so you can't blame her for thinking you were lying about it (not saying that you are, though).

1. I you're able to not hate her, then that's for the best and there's nothing wrong with being the bigger person in a dispute. Like you said, nothing good will come of it. Just do what you feel is right and everything will be aaaaaaalright.

2. Being able to move on doesn't mean you never cared for the guy. Anyone who's been in a failed relationship will tell you that moving on is a part of the experience, it comes with time, and most people don't get over it completely. The fact that it bothers you that she said that justifies whatever feelings you had.

Just keep a cool head and things will work out.

Because they can!

 

I've gone through like this exact thing. It's ridiculous.

To your first question, no you should not hate her. It's stupid and immature. Maybe someday she'll open her eyes and realize that, but I don't see any point in hating people either most of the time. Even if they dislike me. It's just against my nature. Yes, I get extremely upset at people but even if I use the term "hate", it always, always fades extremely quick. It's just not natural for me. I think it's stupid when someone dislikes or hates someone else for petty, inconsistent reasons. I think you're doing the right thing.

To the second, I've also been here. Apparently if I ever loved my ex, I'm supposed to stay single for forever and I'm a horrible person for falling in love and moving on. Moving on is apart of it. There's nothing wrong with it. I'm not going to stay single forever just because I was in love with someone at one point. I've been literally told that I'm a terrible person, and a ***** because I moved on. I find some people to be so ridiculous and narrow-minded sometimes that it's almost funny to me now. Moving on is apart of the experience.

It never feels good to have people criticize and judge you, especially if they don't even know you. For a long time I've had emotional problems and trust issues because of it. Lot's of low-self confidence and a lot of other issues, but hey. I've gotten to the point that I understand that if those people can't get over themselves and grow up, then that's their problem. I don't have to cry about people not liking me. Not everyone is going to like you, and A LOT of them will judge you blindly, but just stay strong and keep your chin up and know that you're being the bigger person here and at least Jayn is proud of you. :'D

If you ever want to talk, (because this sounds freakishly like some of my experiences that I've gotten past), feel free to message me. Good luck, try and stay confident and strong. There's nothing wrong with what you've done. ​

 

1. This is my opinion obviously, but I think that there's no reason to hate somebody or bear grudges for things they've done in the past (Though I'm not gonna lie, with some people the grudge is too big and I can't get over it.). What does it help to be mad about something that's happened earlier? Will you being mad about it help anything? Nope. It will just create more hate really, nothing good can come out of it. It's good to be the bigger person and ignore what someone's done in the past, shows how mature you are.

2. That's just a load of BS, just because you get over someone doesn't mean that you've never cared about them. I got over one of my loves that hurt me, it took a while and I'm not gonna lie about it, she still has a place in my heart. Moving on just shows that you don't dwell on the past forever, which you shouldn't of course.

You should really just ignore what this girl said, she seems like a fairly spiteful person. Hun, don't worry about it, you're doing a great job. And you're really mature. Be proud of yourself.

 

Counterpoint: Hatred of her, if used in moderation, could be good. The girl is clearly detrimental to your emotional wellbeing, and a mild hatred would serve to distance you from her, and shield you from her harsh words.

Hatred is an emotion given to humans by God. He wouldn't have put it there if it wasn't supposed to be used. To use it to excess is bad, but if used mildly, there is nothing wrong with a bit of hate. In your situation, you would be fully justified in hating her.

She's angry, because she doesn't understand you. Look at it from her perspective: She came to you for help, and you gave it readily. She doesn't understand why you'd be so kind, so she suspects some sort of trick. For you to turn around and say "BOO!" at any moment. She tries to understand what you're thinking, but it's a foreign concept to her. She then tries to impose her idea of how you should act onto you, so she can understand you. She can make sense of someone who hates her. She can't understand someone who forgives her, and that makes her afraid of you, because she can't predict what you'll do.

This part is odd. Why wouldn't she want you to move on?

Ah, I get it. She's still viewing you as a threat. She's laid down her 'victory conditions', essentially saying, "If you move on, I win." She's trying to make sure you don't turn around and steal him away again. She's trying to belittle your feelings for him, to make sure that when you've recovered, you won't feel any attraction towards him.

Alternatively, she's just trying to provoke a reaction out of you, because she doesn't understand you.

Another possibility is reassurance. She got the guy. Having another girl pine over the guy proves that he was a good catch in her mind. If you shrug your shoulders and move on, it leads to doubt in her. "Perhaps he's not perfect" she'll begin to think.

This is for you to decide. You have no obligation to help her. You are justified in hating her. If you choose not to, then that is fine, but if you decide to, then no one will judge you for it. You don't have to waste your life hating her, or plot an elaborate murder in revenge; you'd just dislike her, and avoid her. This may be a good idea, as being around her probably isn't good for you.

They're your emotions, not hers, and not mine. Did you love him? Did you care? I get the impression you did. Are you able to move on? Yes, you said so yourself.

Let's lay that out.

You loved him.
You cared.

You are now moving on.

What happens in the future doesn't affect the past. You have already felt the emotions. They already existed, and nothing can change that. It doesn't matter whether you pine after him, move on or screw every guy in the state. What happens in the present can't change what happened in the past.

In short, it doesn't matter what she says. You have nothing to prove to her, and what you felt has already been felt, and what you do in the future doesn't affect the validity of those emotions.

 

1. No you shouldn't. If you do, it's fine because it's just natural to do so. But if you feel no animosity toward her, then you don't have to hate her.
2. Moving on is natural. It's the broken heart that tells you that you loved him, not the inability to get over him.

 

Ha, I love P just basically saying 'Yeah, go on, hate her. Just a little bit though. Don't want it to be bad for your health.'
Btw, I don't know any of your past posts, sinc eyou seem to refer to saying something before on this site.

But on point here... P is right in that to this girl, you showed a foreign concept to her in that she feels that people (namely you) should hate their ex's new girlfriend/boyfriend (namely her). Since you don't follow her idea of the conventional ex girlfriend, she thinks you to be devious and that your trying to 'help her' for your own gain, trying to manipulate her in somway. She likely feels this paranoia because either she has backstabbed or she has thought/been a backstabber before. Don't take the suspicion too personal since she'd likely feel the same about a lot of other people. She gets defensive with this suspicion and starts to gone on with this and that, ending up with her feeling like it's a little competition for this bloke's affections still even though you're not with him. Your basically a threat to her relationship. In her eyes anyway, even though you may not be trying ot be at all.
Anyway, what i'm trying to point out is that it is her paranoia of you being friendly that amkes her scared and retaliate with anger. It's not that you've done something wrong, it's just how she deals with things.

In answer to your questions:
1) Don't hate her. If she came to you for help, in some way she's having a hard time in her life. This can put people in the worst of moods and do the worst of things. However, since you have a past by the sounds of it what you do need to think is where she stands in your eyes. Is she worth that hatred? I don't tbelieve so from where I am, but you know more of the situation than me. The point is that you need to listen to how you feel about her, not what you think of her. What your heart and emotions say.

2) No, that's total bullshit, pardon the language. But by getting over someone doesn't mean you nver loved them. You know yourself whether you ever loved him or not, and not simply because you don't love him now. A widower would still love their husband/wife, but can still continue to find someone else to love, whilst still knowing they loved their spouse when they were alive.
By getting over him you're not saying 'I never loved him', your saying that 'I loved him, but I can't stay in the past.'
We all must move on at some point, otherwise we will be consumed and haunted by the past forever. Think of the opportunities in the future and never regret anyting you do.

 

If you believe you shouldn't hate her then don't hate her... I mean, she came to you in the first place. Don't let her snobby personality get to you. You are choosing to like and forgive her which shows that you are the better person in that situation. And besides, It makes YOU feel better whether you like a person or not, it isn't up to them whether you like them or vise versa.

And this is just me but I find that you can still love someone and care for them if you move on. I had to break up with my ex-boyfriend and I still care for him even though we aren't going out anymore. Even if they aren't around, you can still love and care. Even if there is someone else now, you can still love and care for a person, whether it's the same WAY or not is another question...

So don't let this get to you... You can still be strong! ^^ Hope this helps!

 

She just feels guilty and thinks that she should be hated, that's it. At least I hope so.

To move on is to grow.

 

1. You don't have to hate her and I have envy of your ability not to but you really shouldn't be so friendly with her, it doesn't seem to be doing much good for you. It's good that you don't hate her but if I were you I'd just stop talking to her.

2. She's wrong and she doesn't know what she's talking about. That's like saying, if all Americans don't hate all Muslims, then we didn't care about 9/11. It's stupid logic.

 

You shouldn't hate her. Things happen; not all relationships last. If everyone hated all their ex's, no one would want to get into relationships in the first place. Telling her that you hate her is just going to make the situation worse anyhow.

I think you should not talk to her, and I don't mean that like "Im mad so I iz not talkin to u", I mean just stop making contact. It seems to me the only reason that she started talking to you again was to make you pity her, and it can't lead to anything good. From what you said, it feels like she's just trying to mess with you, and you're letting her do it.

 

That's different. It's not Muslims who caused 9/11, it was a specific sect of Islam called the Twelver Shi'ites, more specifically an organization within that sect called the Taliban. So when someone says that you have to hate Muslims to care about 9/11, they're saying you have to turn into a racist pig who doesn't deserve any rights. This is more along the lines of, "If you don't desire justice against the Taliban then you don't care about 9/11." I agree with you on this, but I just thought I should point out the flawed argument so you know later on.

 

Nice job missing the point.

 

I got the point. I was just pointing the flawed analogy.

 

Well forgiving her doesn't seem to have helped, and I can't see swearing revenge as being very productive, so I chose a middle ground. So go on, hate her. Just a little bit though.

 

Alright, I didn't read the other posts so I'll apologize in advance if I'm just generally repeating people.

1) {Should you hate her?} From a christian standpoint, no. There is a minor progressive theme to be seen in the bible on this topic. To highlight I'll put in math terms for the nerds reading this, more specifically ratios. In human nature we want to deal more harm to our enemies than they did to us (2:1), then is introduced the "eye for an eye" law that prohibits excessive retribution (1:1), then is the teaching to forgive your enemies (0:1), and then is the final variation of "love your enemies" (-1:1). So verdict? Not only should you fail to hate her for what she did to you (the 0:1) but you should bless her life for the amount of hurt she gave you (the -1:1)

2) {If you can move on did you ever love him?} It is obvious to me that you do still love him some, just not romantically anymore. Love in its basic sense is caring for the well-being of another, and I based on what I know of you I really think that fits you to a degree with just about everyone you meet. But since he harmed you before in ending the relationship you don't want to open yourself up for a more intimate relationship anymore. I don't known enough about your situation to advise you in that respect (though I don't recommend boyfriend stealing), but don't let her get under your skin about stuff like that. Fear and regret will only hold you back from what life has to offer.

And a guess as to why she's doing this. She's feeling guilty about her situation with you and she's trying to force the pain to the surface so that she can deal with it (perhaps subconsciously). When you chose to forgive instead of hate it messed up those plans, confused her, and probably deepened the guilt because it emphasizes what she did. I would check in on her for a while, because if I'm right it wouldn't be a stretch for her to start self abuse or cutting soon since it is the same concept just now making the emotional pain physical pain.

I'm very interested in how this goes, be sure to keep us informed.

EDIT: I misread some of it at first and didn't catch the illogic of it until after I posted. So I just fixed stuff but most if it is basically the same.

 

Ah, Mixt, you caught that mistake. I was about to comment on it.

Anyway, shouldn't this be in the Help with Life section, as it's more about helping with Sakura's life than debating whether moving on/hating someone is appropriate?

 

P is right. Moved. ;D

Anyway, hating someone is really a waste of time. It's fine to be wary around her and not exactly trust her as a person, but don't put any energy into it. She doesn't deserve that much.