Should I carry this on and make it better?

Discussion in 'Archives' started by AlexleHoshi, Mar 26, 2007.

  1. AlexleHoshi Dude called Alex

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2006
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    In a house duh
    118
    Okay so here's the deal, I started writing this last year but never carried it on, but I'm not sure if I want to carry it on or not. What do you lot think, this is all I've witten on it so sorry that it ends like it does

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    Although it was raining fast it was still warm and many people was walking home under umbrellas or with there hoods up so they could keep dry, but one person wasn’t trying to keep themselves dry at all, they didn’t even hold the book over there head that they was carrying, after a while the ran slowed down but didn’t stop as the person was the only one outside in the rain, they stood outside a shop and looked in the window more at there reflection then what was inside the shop, the reflection showed a girls face who had green eyes and long red hair that stopped at the back of her knees, she was wearing a brownish red long sleeved t-shirt, black jeans that had many pockets and dark blue trainers with the right ones shoe lace was untied, she looked right in to her reflections eyes but they was unforced like she wasn’t there at all but just an empty shell, she stood there for another five minutes as the rain slowed down ever more and the stopped, the clouds began to move out of the way of the sun, the girl came into force and looked up into the sky holding her hand over her eyes to block the sun from them, even though the weather had cheered up she still felt down, she started to walk again with her head down and not really looking to see where she was going, this is how it all started.

    Because she wasn’t looking where she was going she didn’t see the man in font of her who she walked right in to, she looked up at the man finely looking like she wasn’t lost in her own little, the man just stood there so all she could see was his hair then had been dyed blue because she could see that the roots of his hair were blond, after a while the man turned around and his light blue eyes locked in to hers
    He didn’t seem mad or even pissed off by the fact that someone had just walked in to the back of him but, all he did was smile and this mead the girl look back with a look of shock on her face, she didn’t know why he was smiling like nothing had happened she then spoke
    “Um….Sorry about that…I wasn’t looking where I was going†she said, the man just nodded and smiles more like to say ‘your forgiven’ then walked away but after five steps he turned back and said
    “My name is Rex†then walked away again, the girl looked at him for a minute and without thinking shouted back
    “Mines Alex!†Rex put his hand up and did a small wave to show he herd her then disappeared around a corner.

    Alex started to walk again but this time looking where she was going and when she got to the corner that Rex turn she looked down in but couldn’t see him, all the way home she couldn’t get Rex out of her mind and this was really bugging her since all she knew about him was his name and that the take that he was cute, at home her mother was waiting for her and she didn’t look very happy at all, Alex knew she was going to have a good shouting at because she didn’t come home while it was still raining
    “Alex JR what did you think you was doing staying out in the rain and don’t give me that crap about you liking the rain, you know I don’t have the money to look after you if you get ill so try-“
    “WELL IT’S NOT MY FAULT DAD WALK OUT ON US OKAY AND YOU KNOW I’M TRYING TO MAKE SOME MONEY SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ME SO DON’T†Alex shouted, she hated it when her mother complied about not having enough money because Alex tries to hold down two after collage jobs and five weekend jobs to help out with the money even though it’s never enough for her mother since she is always been in debt since her father walked out on them when she was only seven years old.

    Mr Rose, Alexs’ father use to be a kind man until he started to drink and gamble, he then stopped caring for his family so he walked out on them, Alex became withdrawn and then started to get in to fights at school as well as setting things on fire, Mrs Rose tired to get back on top of things but with all the debt Mr Rose has left her in and the way Alex started to act, she just gave up on everything.

    Alex went to her room, the top half of the walls were fire red with dashes of orange and yellow to make the walls look like they really was on fire, the bottom half were burnt brown to make the top half look more like fire, her bed was matel that had been painted red because some of the paint was coming off showing the colour blue, the blanket and pillow were dark orange , the draws at the foot of her bed was dark oak with a red vales filled with different red flowers. The only thing that was of out place was the small white computer table deck next to the window, there was also a black phone next to the computer.

    Alex walked over to her bed a laid down, she put her hands behind her head, she looked over at her window, it was raining again. She got up and walked over to the window, she leaned her head on to the cold window and closed her eyes, when she opened them again she saw someone looking up at her, it was Rex, even though they was a floor apart they looked right in to each others eyes, Rex gave Alex a small wave, she smiled and weaved back , but then Mrs Rose ran out in a clear rain coat and a broom in hand, when she was about three feet away from Rex she sung the broom at him but he jumped back just in time for the broom to swing just in fount of him, Alex ran out of her room, down the stairs (jumping down the last five steps) and outside.

    “Mum! What are you doing? Stop it!†Alex shouted grabbing the broom and pulling it away from her mother, Mrs Rose glared at Alex and the at Rex
    “Him!†Mrs Rose spat posting at Rex
    “He was out here spying on you†Mrs Rose grabbed Rex by the arm and pulled him up, next to Rex, Mrs Rose looked a lot smaller then she was only coming up his hips
    “Mum he wasn’t spying on me he was just passing by and see me looking out of my window†Alex explained not really knowing why Rex was out side her house, knowing that Alex didn’t know why Rex was there Mrs Rose pushed Rex road
    “Go on get lost and if I see you here again, I’ll shove that broom where the sun don’t shine†Mrs Rose said Alex felt embarrass by her mother actions, Alex remember that he had to be at one of her jobs so she went back to her room,

    She changed in to a white blouse that was tucked neatly in to her smart black trousers, Alex pulled on a pair of black socks then put on some black shoes, she then walked over to her draws and opened the top draw that was filled with underwear and ties, she rummaged though the draw until she found a black tie that she tied around her neck, she went to her bed and pulled a long mirror from under it which she lean on the wall next to her bed, she then got a box that was filled with small hair clips that she used to put her hair in to a bun, when she was done she put everything back where she got it and went down stairs
    “Okay mum I’m going to work see you around six okay†Alex called as she walked out of the door and shut it behind her.

    After getting a bus Alex arrived at her work place which was a restaurant called
    ‘Mel’s Bells’
    When she walked in to Mel’s Bells one of the other girls that worked there gave Alex a wave, the girl was a lot smaller then Alex who only came up to her hips, she walked up to Alex
    “Alex, how are you?†the girl asked pushing her glasses on over her brown eyes that went well with her light brown hair that was in a pony tail
    “Hey Mimi I’m…†Alex replied stopping in mid sentence looking over at the bar, sitting there with a glass of wine was Rex with a wide smile on his face
    “Alex…Alex are you okay?†Mimi asked again trying to get Alexs attention, it wasn’t until Mimi pulled on Alexs tie did she remember that Mimi was there
    “Huh…? Oh hey Mimi see that guy at the bar the one with the blur hair, how long has he been here?†Alex asked whispering
    “Oh him?†Mimi said looking over at Rex
     
  2. Ratchet Bah weep graaagnah wheep ni ni bong!

    Joined:
    Oct 14, 2006
    Location:
    Cybertron
    53
    You must carry on. I want to know more about Rex, and who he really is.
     
  3. Soushirei 運命の欠片

    Joined:
    Feb 22, 2007
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Toronto, Canada
    80
    Your creativity is fine. It's a very interesting story and is worth continuing on with.

    Just a two pieces constructive criticism, but nothing that can't be fixed:

    You need periods, dear. XD Your entire first paragraph doesn't have a single period, and instead if chained with commas, and some of them produce splices and therefore are being used incorrectly. In addition to this, you're overembellishing the details with too many "after"s, "then"s, etc, and it's giving a run-on effect (coupled with the lack of periods) that takes away from the fluidity of your piece.

    For the most part, your writing is understandable and has direction. Although this is sort of sad for me to even praise, but thank goodness you know the conventions of dialogue--that is, putting each set of dialogue on a different line. It surprises me how many people don't know this rule.

    Keep it up!
     
  4. ...::/final_falling\::... King's Apprentice

    Joined:
    Oct 26, 2006
    Location:
    somewhere where theres blood dripping.
    15
    418
    you.r.great!!!i love your writings!u should totally carry on!
     
  5. Peyton Goddess Of Love ♥

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2007
    123
    Continue with it !^^
    Its really good^^
    I wunna know who Rex really is^^