the chuck norris joke thread

just what the title says

While playing the role of a Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris used live
ammunition during all shoot outs. When the director explained that he
can't do that, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and
roundhouse kicked him in the face

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck
Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.

It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: The
Light Side, The Dark Side, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest
substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse
kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the
scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norrisi.


Chuck Norris has a stare that turns goat piss into gasoline.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter
he grew a beard.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and
starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far
too much awesome for a single, however, so it was divided.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined
for a +500 gain to roundhouse ability.

New Years Eve 1998, Chuck Norris was at a party, when the clock struck
twelve, instead of kissing someone, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked
everyone at the party. He then proceeded to roundhouse kick everyone
on the street, and the whole city. He has been doing this ever since.

Every time Chuck Norris does a roundhouse kick, an angel gets its wings.

One day Chuck Norris went shopping and he had grabbed the last can of
pea soup off the counter. Just then Steven Segal, Jean-Claude Van
Damme, and Godzilla walked in and turned to Chuck Norris and said,
"Give us the pea soup Buck Morris!" right then Chuck Norris turned
around and went, "The name is Chuck Norris!" and he brutally
anniliated all three of them. The pea soup tasted especially good that
night.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris defeated the Canadian Army with a rusty wooden spoon.

When Chuck Norris was denied a McGriddle at McDonalds because it was
10:35, He roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for
this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at your grimly.

Chuck Norris was a hidden playable character on Mortal Kombat 2 on the
Sega Genesis.

Chuck Norris beat up MacGyver using only a paper clip, a rubber band,
and a pinecone.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany

One drop of Chuck Norris' sweat can cure you of anything, even death.

DAMN YOU AUTOMERGE!!!! it should of been like 3 pages of double posts.....

 

Chuck norris doesnt read,,he stares down at the book until he gets the information he wants.
you gotta love Chuck norris' jokes xD

 

In the beta version of street fighter, Chuck Norris was a playable character, but every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick, when he was asked about this glitch, he replied "That's no glitch"

And,

Chuck Norris invented water.

 

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

 

I couldnt help but laugh.

 

Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds

Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of seperation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris's cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.

When Chuck Norris pisses he clogs the toliet.

Chuck Norris can not love, only not kill

The opening scene of Saving Private Ryan were losely based on Chuck Norris's childhood games of dodge ball.

Chuck Norris's credit cards have no limit, last weekend he maxed them out.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

CNN was orignally called Chuck Norris Network, for on-the-spot *** kicking

Here is a start, sorry for repeats.

 

In Soviet Russia, Chuck Norris still kills you!

 

Plagarizer...I put that in the soviet russia thread...totally sueing you now.

 

no what you put was:
In Soviet Russia, You kill Chuck Norris...............it is different...............

 

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"


Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability

On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over

 

Chuck Norris was born with 3 "balls". Once he was so angry, he took one and threw it to the sea, then named it "Australia".

Chuck Norris has divided by 0.

Chuck Norris has square-d circle.

Chuck Norris has gone on Mars. How do we know that? There is no life on Mars.

 

Chuck Norris is threating to roundhouse kick me if I let this thread die........