The Princess of Light a Riku Fan Fic

This story start’s after the ending of Kingdom Hearts 2.This is my first one so please be gentle. Please leave comments so I know people are reading it and if I should post another chapter.
Intro

I guess before the story start’s I should tell everyone about you.

Name:Rimini

Your Best Friend’s and there Ages: Riku 16, Kairi 15, and Sora 15.

Your Age: 16

Are you a Girl or Boy: Girl! Do I look like a freaking boy to you!?


And here’s what you look like:

Okay here it is!

Chapter one

Your eyes began to flutter open as you roused yourself from your sleep. It was morning and you looked out your cracked window and realized you had woke up an hour before school started. Yes! You thought to yourself. Your parent’s are still not up! Your parent’s are both drunk gambler’s who don’t give a damn about you. You lived in the crumbling apart basement with no carpeting, a hard uncomfortable bed, and a cardboard box to keep what little you have for clothes in. All you have for clothes is one miniskirt, two tops, and pj’s. You grabbed a top and your skirt and walked over to the washer. You opened it up and threw them in. You then walked over to a doorway with a door that had a giant hole in it. You stepped through the hole into your falling apart bathroom. There is a small shower in the corner that was falling apart. Luckily, the water still works. Although it’s freaking cold! You took off your pj’s and stepped into the shower. You turned on the water. After a few minutes you stepped out of the shower and put on your clothes. (After putting them in the dryer for like three minutes! So they were still a bit damp, but they would dry off when you run to school.) You walked over to your cracked mirror and brushed your long blonde hair. You then stepped out of the bathroom and walked over to a door. You grabbed the chipped door knob being careful not cut yourself and opened the door. The walked up the steps and then walked over to the front door. You quickly slipped on your tennishoes and grabbed your book bag. You quietly opened the front door and stepped out and……click! Yes! Freedom! You ran down the street as fast as you could happy to be gone. After you were a long distance away from your house, you slowed down and walked calmly into the school yard. You walked over to the tree you, Riku, Kairi, and Sora always hang out at. Kairi and Riku were already there. “Hey!” You said. “Hey!” they said back. “What are you talking about?” “Oh, nothing.” They answered. ”What did I miss?” Sora said as he walked over. “Nothing.” You answered. Ring!! That was the school bell! You all walked to class and sat in your seats. (You were all in the same class naturally.) You loved were you sit because it is next to Kairi and behind Riku. Sora sits somewhere else you can’t see. You loved to talk to Kairi during class and pick on Riku. “Good Morning class.” Said Ms. Dynima as she walked in. She had her blonde hair in a bun and was wearing black glasses and a black suit. She was kind of hot really. But she was very strict. For tapping your pencil on your desk, you could get detention for a week. It was that bad. Lucky for you, you’re sneaky (Probably got it from your parent’s) and get away with most stuff. “Let’s start today with a little pop quiz.” Everyone groaned. As she went around the class asking questions you heard Sora somewhere get asked a question and failed miserably. She reached Riku and asked something you couldn’t even comprehend. He gave an answer and……correct! Your mouth was a gap! When Ms. Dynima wasn’t looking Riku turned around and stuck his tongue out at you. You stuck yours back. “Rimini!” The teacher caught you! Ring!! That was the bell! Everyone jumped out of there seats eager to get out of class. You did the same and was able to slip away without her noticing you. You met up with Riku, Sora, and Kairi in the hall. Riku was trying to contain his laughter. “WHAT!?” You demanded. He didn’t say anything he just smirked. After five and a half more hours, school got out. You all met up at the tree. “Hey Rimini?’ asked Sora. ‘Do you want to go to the beach with us?” “Nah, I need to go home and study so Riku dosen’t show me up again.” Riku smirked. “Bye!” you said. “Bye!” they said back. As you started to walk home. On the way home you stopped for a taco (your favorite) because your parent’s don’t feed you. You got home and went down stairs trying to avoid your parent’s. You got down stairs without your parent’s catching you! (They probably weren’t trying hard) You got out your books and began to study. After a couple hours you yawned and decided it was time to turn in. You took off your clothes and put on your pj’s. You went over to your hard uncomfortable bed and you got in. As you tossed and turned in the middle of the night there was a flash of light!

Cliffhanger! Hope that encourages you to want me to write more! Please leave comment’s so I know people want me to write more. The farther in the story I get the better it get’s!

 

That was good. Needs more detail, and mabye you could make paragraphs. It was like you were trying to cram everything in one whole paragraph. But other then that it was really good.

 

Like what the previous people who posted said: Detail :] This story is pretty good, just make sure you add detail and more paragraphs.

Till the 2nd Chapter!~ *gives cookie then leaves thread*

 

Ouch.


Okay, I'm gonna give this some honest critique.


To be honest I think you've chosen a bad narrative to write from. To write as though you're addressing someone else is just asking for trouble Dx Already within the first few lines you were getting your tenses mixed up and starting nearly every sentence with "you" is just agonizing for the reader. Its not just the lack of paragraphs that are stopping the story from flowing, its the lack of grammar. For example the sentence " You went over to your hard uncomfortable bed" should be more like "You walked over to your hard, uncomfortable bed".

For me the story didn't even crawl into existance until the last half when there was some dialogue. In the beginning you spent way too much time on small, insignificant details which nobody wants to hear about. We don't need a step by step guide to getting ready in the morning, and the even MORE in depth details inside brackets are unneeded.

But, if you really focused on this, it could improve.

P E A N U T I hope you see this x3

 

I did my best on the paragraph thing. I basically just divided it here and there. I did the best my computer would allow so please don’t say anything else about it. Please leave comments.

Chapter Two


The light faded to reveal you standing on a platform with a picture of a boy with a keyblade on it. It looked a lot like Sora. A voice came out of no where and began to talk. “Princess of Light you are finally here!” You could not tell if the voice was male or female.
And what did the voice say!? Princess of Light!? You had to be dreaming. But it seemed too real to be a dream. Suddenly, three things appeared in front of you suspended in the air. A shield was the first thing. Second there was a pair of blades and last a staff. “Pick one.” The voice said. Whether it was a dream or not you decided to go along with it. You really liked those blades so you decided to pick them. You touched the blades and they began to glow. They then appeared in your hand like when Sora and Riku summon there keyblade’s. The other two items vanished.

“Rimini!” “You are the Princess of Light and a Keyblade wielder!” “These are not Keyblades!” You yelled out at the voice. “They will be when instinct kicks in.” the voice answered back. Then a dusk appeared out of no where and began to dance around you. You figured you were supposed to fight it. So you lunged at it swiping your blades with such grace and speed, it was as if you unlocked new abilities you didn’t have. Then when the dusk cut at you, you back flipped to doge it and knew you had unlocked new abilities. Suddenly your blades began to glow gold. By instinct you raised them above your head with the tips touching and then brought them down in front of you aiming for the nobody. “Light Beam!” you yelled and a gold beam shot from the tips of the blades at the dusk destroying it instantly.

Then a giant tremor caused you to lose your footing making you fall on your butt. Suddenly, a giant nobody appeared. It had a weird scarf around its head and was hundreds of feet tall. Your blades began to glow blue and out of instinct you crossed them one on top of the other forming a X. “Let’s Go!” you yelled and in a flash of light your blades had merged to form a keyblade! It looked sorta like Riku’s but except the blade itself was silver with a black dragon on it and the handle was purple with a blue sapphire stone at the guard. But then there was a flash of light and you were suspended in the air by invisible locks. You couldn’t see the nobody and you couldn’t move. “Not good!” Then suddenly the nobody appeared in front of you. You threw your keyblade at it weakly because you only threw it with your wrist. It hit the nobody smack in the face! (if it had one) It lost it’s concentration long enough for the invisible locks to disappear. You quickly summoned the keyblade back to your hand. You really were a keyblade wielder!

You dived down on the nobody slashing it with enough power to make it fall over. You landed on the ground by its head. “Light Beam!” You shot the nobody’s head and after it hit it immediately got back up. It flew below the platform and began making a giant orb of dark power. And the platform began to tip over as if to drop you in! You slid down to the edge and grabbed it. (The edge) You then threw your keyblade at the orb of darkness. There was a flash of light and you found yourself back on the platform right side up and the nobody was on the ground again. And again you shot light beam at it. It immediately stood up after the beam hit it. “How am I supposed to beat this thing!?” Then you felt a weird sensation in your heart. As if it were full of joy and light. You raised your hand in the air palm up and there was a flash of light that seem to come from your hand. The nobody fell on the ground and dissolved into darkness. Yes! You won! Then a group of nobody’s appeared and danced around you. Your keyblade reverted back into your two blades. “It is now time for you to learn the extent of your power!”


Well there it is I did my best on the paragraphs. If you are curious about what the blades look like here is a pic:

 

I have to agree with Cariad. Well, I think there's just too much usage of the word 'you'. Plus, I'm not really used to reading stories that are from the reader's point of view. I guess it would have been better if you made it from the main character's point of view.

This is just my opinion, please don't get mad. :] By the way the 2nd chapter is bit better :3

 

Well I finally was able to write it so here it is. Please leave comments as always. I appreciate my readers and there input.


Chapter Three


The keyblade had reverted back into your two blades. It was okay with you because you could fight either way. But suddenly they began to glow pink, and they transphormed into giant charkams. They looked like Axel’s but they had a little bit of pink instead of red. “Look’s like my blades can transphorm into a lot of different weapons!”
As you spun them around instead of fire swirling around them, pink hearts did. “It is time to learn more about what you and your keyblade can do, beware! I will not tell you everything…..” the voice said. You began to fight the nobodies all around you. Every time you threw the charkams, they came back to your hand so you didn’t have to retrieve them. After all the nobodies were defeated, more popped up in there place.

Your charkams then reverted back into your blades. They then began to glow purple and they transphormed into two long, purple, whips. You whipped out one of your whips and rapped it around a nobodies neck and threw it. It hit the ground and dissolved away into darkness. You hit another with the whip and destroyed it. After defeating all of the nobodies more popped up. “AW, COME ON!” Your whips then reverted back into your blades.

“I will show you one more weapon, and then you will have to learn all of the other secrets yourself…..” and with that the voice faded away out of existence. Your blades glowed green and they transphormed into four throwing stars. You threw them with such speed and the fact that every one of them hit there target, amazed you. And every time they would come back to your hands so you wouldn’t have to retrieve them. You finally defeated all of the dusks and there was a flash of light!

You found yourself back in your own bed. Was it all just a dream? But the bruises on your arms and legs told you otherwise. You tried to summon your blades but it didn’t work. You figured you were just tired. You hurried and did your morning routine and ran out the door. Wait till I tell everyone I am a keyblade wielder! You thought to yourself as you ran down the street.

When you reached school you walked over to the tree you and your friends hang out at. Riku, Sora, and Kairi were already there. “Hey Rimini!” said Kairi. “Guess what?! I am a Keyblade wielder and a Princess of Light!” you said. The way they looked at you they thought you were crazy. You then went on to tell them about everything that happened last night. The fights, the voice, your weapon, everything. When you were done there was an awkward silence and then they all burst out laughing. “WHAT!?” you demanded. “Keyblade wielder!? Princess of Light!? HA!” Riku said still laughing. “It was probably just a dream.” Kairi said finally calming down from her laughing fit. “No it wasn’t! I have bruises to prove it!” you said rolling up your sleeves. “You probably just did that in bed.” Sora said still chuckling.

The bell rang and you all went to class. After school, you all walked your separate ways home. On the way home you stopped for dinner. After that you continued to walk. You decided to take a shortcut down an alley. Suddenly, three brute men stepped in front of you cracking there knuckles. Oh no.


Well, that is it. Sorry about the shortness, I will do my best to get the next one out. I still am having computer problems. If you have any ideas for the story, PM me.

 

cool, pink chakarams =D that is awesome!

 

Well,that's alot better sis!You made paragraphs!The story has gotton alot better.I'm not much of a critique,but keep going double L.

 

well, here's some more advice for you. it is kinda weird, transforming... the 2 blades were a weird twist. keyblade? well, that was a wierd twist too. if you keep making it like this, you gonna end up somewhere in china=D lol, jk. but seriously, try to keep out some of the weird twist. the ninja star's weren't really necessary. the whips and the chakrams were kinda too fast. the "voice" should've just showed her the chakrams, or whips, or ninja stars. which ever you like to include. It really is awesome! Keep up the good work. can't wait to here what happens to her

 

thanks bro!

well, she has different weapons for different situations coming up.

 

oh. she maybe might have just let her figure it out when she fights the hooded figures(if she fight the hooded figures. i read alot of books, and thats what usually happens. and it is what happens with roxas)

 

Keep making more and you will keep improving with experience. The chapters are cool, but all things could get better.

 

There is a place, their is poseive. (and I spelled that wrong) anyway. Just helping you with spelling. other then that. It was good.

 

it is good, but your paragraphs need to be spaced out a little more :) and also alot is happening so fast, you should describe whats happening in detail.

now thats out of the way, it is very very good :D and the idea of the story is good to :)

 

Well, here it is!!! I hope it was worth the wait. Please leave comments as always. Sorry about the shortness. I am having computer problems as always. (I really need to just get a new computer)


Chapter Four


“Uh, hi, I’m just passing through.” You said nervously. The three brutes standing in front of you said nothing. The first one was a large (fat) baldheaded guy. The second was a tall black man with long, braided, black hair. And the last one was an average sized guy who was bald and had a bunch of tattoos all over. He was clearly their leader. “This is our turf.” the one in charge said menacingly. “Well I’ll leave then.” You said still nervous. “Sorry, but you need to learn a lesson about trespassing.” He said cracking his knuckles once more. He signaled the fat guy to attack. He lunged at you and pinned you to the wall by holding your neck with one hand against the wall.

Then it occurred to you. I’ve got a keyblade! Slapping yourself subconsciously. You summoned your two blades which took the man strangling you by surprise causing him to loose his grip on your neck. You managed to get out of his grip and kick him into a wall. The black guy lunged at you with balled fists. You turned your blades into your purple whips and rapped his neck with it and threw him. Suddenly they turned back into your blades and then disappeared. “This isn’t good.” “No it’s not the last man standing said walking toward you while cracking his knuckles. You still couldn’t summon your blades and send them away at will like Sora and Riku.

Then he pinned you to the wall and began to beat you up. After what seemed like forever he finally stopped and you collapsed on the ground. He then walked away with the other two guys following him. Then everything went black.

You woke up and found yourself on the ground in the same place. You didn’t get up or open your eyes because you couldn’t. You felt pain everywhere especially in your jaw. And you heard a person walking by the alley you were in. He sounded like a teenage boy and it sounded like he was talking on a cell phone. You groaned. “What was that? I got to go.” He said hanging up the phone on whoever he was talking to. You could hear him coming nearer and then everything went black.

You felt yourself waking up to an annoying beeping sound. You then realized where you were. A HOSPITAL!? You hated hospitals. Great. You could hear two voices outside your room. It was your parents. “That rat is costing us a fortune!!!” your father said. “I say we give her two days at home and kick her out!!” you heard your mom say. And that was that. Well, looks like I need a place to live. Than you heard the door open and three people walk in. “That is so stupid Sora!” you heard Kairi say. Obviously they were fighting about something. Be quiet you will wake her. You heard Riku say he sounded tired and worried. You giggled at Sora and Kairi fighting. Too late. Sora said. You heard a doctor outside the door talking to your parents they were putting on quit the show at pretending to care about you.

“So will she be alright?” you heard your mom say in a tone that made you gag. “She should be fine, you should thank the boy who brought her in. What was his name? Oh yes, Riku.” And then you heard him walk away. After your parents knew he was gone they muttered something as they stormed away.

The next day you were out of the hospital. Riku, Sora, and Kairi believed you about the keyblade thing after you told them what happened and the news showed three men being arrested that were all bruised up saying something about they were beat up by a girl with whips and knives. You had already asked Kairi if you could live with her but she didn’t know if her parents would let you. What were you going to do with your life?


That’s all I have for now please comment it and keep on reading!

 

Very good. Ending with suspense. haha.

 

Hm... I read the chapters so far... it seems like you know where to improve on already, so I won't push you with that. And it seems like you have an interesting story... but how you write the story kind of throws me off a bit... if you know what I mean. Liiiike... I'm expecting to see a character name instead of "you". But other then that, you're doing great with the story.

 

Well, here it is!!! I hope it was worth the wait. Please leave comments as always. Sorry about it taking so long and the shortness. I am having computer problems as always. (I really need to just get a new computer)

Chapter Five

The next day you had already packed up all of your stuff in your bag. Kairi’s parents had said they didn’t have enough room for you but Riku’s parents……..
You took one last look at the dump that was your room and stormed up the stairs. Your parents were watching tv.

“Good-bye!!!” you said angrily. “We hate you.” Your parents said back in a happy manner that you where leaving. You opened your front door and Riku was there waiting for you. “Is that all you have?” Riku asked in surprise motioning toward what was basically a book bag but it had your clothes and other few things in it as well. “Yeah, I told you I didn’t have much.” You answered. “Lets go.” He said as you followed him down the street.

“So where’s your house?” you asked realizing you had never been there before. “Uh, just down the street.” It sounded like you had pulled him out of deep thought. When you reached the house you couldn’t believe how excited you were to be out of your old life and into your new one.

Riku opened the door and walked in. and you followed. It was a very nice, beautiful, large home. When you walked in the door you were in the Living room. Across from that was the kitchen. And in-between were stairs. He led you up the stairs. There were several rooms and pointed them out to you. “My Moms room, computer room, game room, my room.” And across from his door was another door. “This is the guest bedroom, but it’s your room now.” He said motioning for you to open the door.

You opened the door and stepped in. You were speechless. It was painted a deep red and next to the door was a bed with red covers and lots of pillows. Directly across from the bed and door was a giant window that touched the floor and gave you a beautiful view of the forest area behind the house. And next to the window on the left was a doorway into a beautiful bathroom also painted red. On the right side of the room was a dresser and closet. The carpet was also a deep red. Riku seemed amused by your reaction.

“I don’t know what to say.” You said almost chocking on your words. To go from a dump, to a room like this, was amazing. “Well we weren’t using this room anyway. My mom is usually gone for weeks at a time so I am usually here on my own. But my mom will be back tomorrow night she said on the phone.”

“Wow, I….. Thank you so much” You wanted to just hug him but restrained your self. “I’ll give you time to settle in meet me in the game room when your done.” He said closing the door. You put all of your things (aka your skirt, you were wearing everything else you own, and your shampoo and brush) away. You sat on your bed and just took in the moment. Then you opened the door and walked over to the game room. You took a peak before walking in. There was a flat screen tv with some game systems hooked up and a black leather sofa that Riku was sitting on talking to someone on the phone.

“Bye.” He said hanging up the phone. You walked in. “Hey guess what? My mom is coming back tonight. She’s going to be earlier then she thought. But I was going to tell you that I am going to teach you to fight.” He said. “I can fight!!!” you said waving your arms like a chicken. “The way your not going to the hospital.” He said with a smirk on his face. You both heard the door open.

You followed him down stairs to see it was his mom.



That’s all I have for now please comment it and keep on reading!

 

Meh! Sorry I didn't read it sooner. XD lol. It's getting better and better with each chapter. Keep up the good work. :)