My first "Official" poem -- "Deception"

Discussion in 'Archives' started by Silent Angel, Dec 19, 2009.

  1. Silent Angel Gummi Ship Junkie

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    My poems thread. --RETITLED FROM MY FIRST POEM--

    Okay guys so here is my poem list. These are the first poems I have EVER posted ANYWHERE :) I hope you guys like them.. and for those with a less creative mind read it then click the spoiler at bottom of each entry. Some have the meaning and some have other ways of getting it.

    Deception
    He appears a normal man
    a single love
    a single child
    a single home...

    Then when no one is around...
    he transforms
    shows his ugly side
    becomes... the abnormal...

    He appears a normal man
    a single love
    a single child
    a single secret from the world
    He appears to be a normal man...

    Until the bus drops him off to visit
    his single love
    his single child
    his second home.
    How to understand the meaning of Deception:
    If you don't understand what this story is about then simply pm me and after i get a few pm's then I will post here what its about instead of messaging everyone back the meaning of Deception. IF you message me title the name of the Message "What is the Meaning of "Deception"? My reason for having you guys ask me in PM is so that the poem isn't ruined if someone decides to get a little... well... suspicious bout the spoiler ;D

    NOTE: Please only click this spoiler if you read and understood the original!!!!
    DECEPTION REVISED:
    He appears a normal man
    A single love
    A single child
    A single home...

    Then when no one is around...
    He transforms
    Shows his ugly side
    Becomes... the abnormal...


    He appears to be normal
    Appears to live a good life
    Appears to have a happy wife
    Appears to be... Complete

    Until the bus drops him off to visit
    His single love
    His single child
    His second home...

    Then his truth is shown
    His lies come revealed
    His shame is shown
    He wonders if she will hold him

    If she will love him
    If she will forgive him
    If she will... Complete him once again
    His One Love...

    His true girl
    His only life
    His significant other
    His newfound wife-to-be
    Selfless
    The man on the corner
    The owner of a small shop
    The clerk working for a cheap boss
    The writer of a novel

    All selfless
    All giving
    All loving
    All wanting the same

    The novelist a perfect world
    The owner a world of love
    The clerk a time of giving
    The man a warm home for all

    A world of love
    A world of truth
    A world of need
    A world of pain

    The sad truth is
    No matter what one gives
    How one loves
    How one tells truths

    It is not a perfect world
    Regretless
    Though times and thoughts change
    Though things don't always go as planned
    Though I have made mistakes
    Though I have forgotten...

    Nothing ever changes
    Nothing ever decides
    Nobody ever tries
    Its always war...

    The thoughts inside
    The feelings we have
    The ideas we share
    The times we've lost...

    Though I have forgotten
    Though I have lost
    Though I have descended
    Though I have yearned

    I have one thing
    One special thing
    That nobody else can have
    I have...

    My regretless past
    My Darling Love
    There is none other
    That deserves my heart
    That I can show I love
    That knows how I feel

    There is no lover
    That can feel so right
    To hold me so tight
    To love me as I love her

    But oh so close I am
    How I feel your love
    How you hold me tight
    How you love me as I love you

    How wonderful you are
    Your beauty
    Your smile
    Your laugh

    You truly are
    My single brightest star
    My angel from up above
    My Darling Love
    Meaning of My Darling Love
    Okay; this doesn't really have much of a "meaning" so much as a "Why I wrote this" I wrote this because I am currently talking my my bestie (Heaven) and found she likes me as much as I like her (or at least nearly x3) and we wanna give us a shot; see how it works; only one complication; her current boyfriend is treating her badly and threatens to kill himself if she leaves him. I don't want her hurting; but I don't wanna be selfish either. So I wrote this today to explain how I feel about her and how I truly wish she were in my arms; I hope the best for her in all honesty and I hope that she chooses me... cuz he's been a jerk lately and I love seeing her happy... and she has been happy around me; lately I'm the only person able to make her smile or laugh so yeah... to the best of luck with us <3
    Here it lays
    Here it lays
    The truth
    The lies
    The look in your eyes

    Here it is
    The fire
    The ice
    The look is so right

    There you go
    Wandering
    Drifting
    Roaming like a lost soul

    Here it lays
    The truth in
    Disguise
    My love for you...

    Here it lays
    Meaning of "Here it Lays"
    Well if you didn't get this i'm surprised. Ofc its not my best poem but its a nice one :3

    However; yes; it is about Heaven; and yes it is another love poem ofc; if you don't understand it try coming up with what each 4 lines mean then compile it together into one meaning. That should be enough to give ya a reasonable-ish explanation.

    Ignore the comment about Heaven above. I left it in because I wanna always remember this; but she's pushed me out of her life so I guess I don't matter. At least memories always matter.

    EDIT: Life has been WAY back on track. Heaven is greatly in love with me again and we're back together! (yay!!!!) and well... she may be having a child soon ^_^
     
  2. Xaale Sylph of Hope

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2007
    Location:
    Land of Autumn and Angels
    298
    Very nice, I love the idea of the poem. For your first poem anywhere, I think it's great 8D

    Just a few things like capitalizing the begining of the lines and then I think those dots can be removed, and it's golden.

    Could've been a little longer, but I like the shortness of it at the same time. It shows that points don't always have to come across with an insanely long poem.

    Also, I liked the use of repetition a lot, it made this poem very nice but at the same time it made the

    Stand out too much. I think you should've added another part in between the third and fourth ones without the normal repetition to balance it.

    Keep it up, I'd love to see more poetry from you o3o
     
  3. Silent Angel Gummi Ship Junkie

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    374

    Thanks for your polite criticism; and don't worry; there sure is more to come :D and also; the reason the capitalization and stuff is so bad and the usage of dots is over-excessive is i wrote this in a stage of depression yesterday in like... 10 minutes after a test XD

    Also; did you understand what the poem was about? Don't post what its about just pm me tellin what you think its about XD
     
  4. Silent Angel Gummi Ship Junkie

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    Update

    Added "Selfless" to list of Poems
     
  5. Silent Angel Gummi Ship Junkie

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    374
    Added "Regretless" to poem list