Makaze
Last Activity:
Dec 12, 2023
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Birthday:
May 27
Location:
The Matinée

Makaze

Some kind of mercenary, from The Matinée

Onward we ride! KHV is back and kicking. Aug 3, 2021

Makaze was last seen:
Dec 12, 2023
    1. Catch the Rain
      Catch the Rain
      My bad, I thought you meant it may happen as a result of recklessness. To be honest, I don't think you're capable of killing someone. Sorry if that sounds like an insult, I don't mean it as one, I just don't think you'd be able to do it.

      I think we are going to have to agree to disagree on this one. Whilst I can see where you are coming from, I wouldn't say that I am without morals and principles, but I do see the majority of life and its experiences as varying shades of grey. I won't do something I disagree with and disaprove of in everyday circumstances, but if a situation arose where I had little to no choice of acting against my principles, I'd do it. Though as with everything, there are exceptions, I'd never hurt a child for instance.

      See, I am similar to you in the aspect that I have flashes of emotions and then move onwards, usually when I react in anger, something will set me off and I'll see red, but as soon as it hits its over with and I move on. Though I have to say I hate when my anger gets the better of me, I have a horrible temper at times, I've worked on it a LOT though, and I don't explode anywhere near as often as I would have once done. But the emotional fallout from being hurt by someone else, it takes me a while to deal with that. I guess it is because I would do almost anything for the people I care about, it is like they become these huge aspects of my world, it makes me blind in regards to their faults, and the possibility they may hurt me. This has led to me becoming increasingly cynical, but I can't bring myself to stop caring. I, unlike you, have difficulty in distancing myself. I can't do it. Everyone has their negative aspects, but if you were to become friends with someone to the point of believing you'd be friends always, well, surely they'd already know and accept those negative aspects yes?

      I get irritated when I do something badly, but it doesn't bother me much, the only times it does bother me is when I know that I could have done better if I'd actually applied myself. Also, I had to smile at the "not my fault", I'm extremely skilled in making just about EVERYTHING my fault, so if I didn't get a chance to do something, I'd feel like it was a result of me not doing something else, etc, I should have made other choices and decisions so that I could get that chance. As I have already said, I have an intense dislike for not knowing, and I have a horrible curiosity. I'd much rather do something and fail, than always wonder what if. Ha, those are the things my mind often drifts to when I am losing concentration, though I also tend to play out story ideas in my head a lot. And I have a really bad habit of taking the people I know and putting them into scenarios in my head to see how they'd react (or how my mind imagines they would at least).

      I do not like that thought at all, it actually gives me shivers, and not the good kind. I need for everyone else to be real, I need you to be real, and everything else too, because I need to have that realness in order to feel real myself. Gah, I can't think how to explain it, it is like, if everyone else is real, then it validates that I too am real. I used to sometimes wonder about the idea of maybe this is all just a dream, except then sometimes I would wonder, what if I am just a part of someone else's dream, and I'm actually not real either. Like maybe I just think and act and behave as I do because that is how someone else is dreaming it, and maybe when I assume that everyone else is thinking and feeling, they really aren't. I hate that thought, its horrible. However, whilst I will accept there is a chance it is actually a possibility, I can't agree that there is a possibility that the realitydream is all there is, for something to be a dream there needs to be something else to be creating it, and if someone else is dreaming everything up, then where do they get the inspiration and ideas from if they have no other existence except within the dream?

      Weirdly, considering how emotionally tied I get to people, and considering how my mind works anyway with regards to others, I don't feel bad at all for people watching. I see it as part of the learning and finding out things that my mind is permanately working on. Plus I don't feel bad for observing because it has no physical impact on a person. I never do anything with the things I learn, I just store it away, I like figuring people out.

      I shall be sure to make sure I do, I am always talking about getting around to the list, its about time I actually did.

      Sadly I have not, it is frustrating me no end, but I'm sure it will come back to me at some point.

      Also, I have actually just spent over an hour writing this reply, and I am still not happy with it, but I shall send it as is now, or else I never will.
    2. Catch the Rain
      Catch the Rain
      But then it wouldn't neccessarily be murder, though I actually see your point now. Any death at the hands of myself would be regretable.

      Ah I see, I get it now, thank you for explaining that for me.

      I don't think it is as black and white as that, what is right in one occurence may not be right the next time a similar thing happens.

      I am bothered by emotional pain far more than physical, physical is forgotten almost as soon as it happens, whereas emotional pain can remain crystal clear for a hell of a long time to come. I don't get fearful when I fail to do something, I fear not being able to get there to do it in the first place. If that makes sense, but maybe I misunderstood your use of the word fail. I think my problem is I think too much, I can't ever just sit and focus on one thing, I am always running between several, and even when I don't have a task at hand, my mind won't shut down. That being said I wouldn't say I am good at thinking, I do think about a lot of crap. I will agree that no expectations makes things easier, if only for the simple reason that if you have no expectations you can't be disappointed.

      Ok, I will accept the world sometimes seems too strange to be real, but do you not think that dreams are too strange to be real too? For the real waking world to be world we currently think of as the dream world, it would be even stranger. Besides, it would mean that we would all have to have different "Waking worlds" because its rare for people to dream the same or even that similar dreams. As for the memory thing, on the contrary, some of my memories feel very real, I guess it depends on the individual. I actually dislike the feeling of being the center, simple reason being it is easier to observe those around you when you aren't in the middle, and I like to observe.

      Understandable.

      Sounds quite likely, and thanks for the recommendation, I'll add it to my list, though it spiralling rapidly out of control, I really need to see to that. I am currently reading Tsubasa Chronicles, which is actually pretty great.

      Gah, there was something I wanted to link you to, but now I have forgotten. Damnit.
    3. Catch the Rain
      Catch the Rain
      That I get, but then I do too often do things just to see what will happen. Sadly, when I am in that mode I tend to lose all common sense.

      I'm sorry, you must think I am awfully stupid, but I don't get what you mean there.

      I find it a bit sad to fear regret when its possible you may not have a reason to regret anything really, but then I guess fears make sense to their owner, kind of like how I am scared of bathrooms with no lights. Sometimes though, making the moral choice is the wrong choice, sometimes you have to play dirty, in which case it would be harsh on yourself to regret an action that was required.

      I get what you mean, but instead of thinking of it like that to be able to deal with it, instead it does scare me knowing that something could have happened and there is nothing I can do/could do to help or prevent it. I feel like a lot of the fears I do have revolve around control and lack of it (with the exception of the bathroom thing, but that one doesn't make sense even to me). I love the theory of this life being a dream, but I try not to think about it too much, because then I get irritated by not knowing what is on the other side of sleep, and I hate the theory of dreams being our actual reality, that is too much BS. Do you ever get that feeling sometimes though where you're awake, and you know you're awake, but you feel like you are still sleeping and dreaming? Its like lucid dreaming in reverse. Sometimes I am absolutely convinced I am asleep.

      Well, you could always make an alt, but you'd have to start over and would be unable to be yourself, so I don't recommend it. I don't really know what to suggest, especially about the forums that have since vanished. I'm sorry.

      At the risk of sounding stupid (again) what is that quote from? I feel like I saw it somewhere else already. I loathe feeling stupid, probably because I have a pretty intolerance for ignorance and idiocy. Gah.
    4. Catch the Rain
      Catch the Rain
      Oh I get what you mean, and that makes a lot more sense now. I like the feeling of being scared sometimes because of the rush of it, which I think is pretty normal given how popular horror movies are etc. Though I admit there aren't a lot of times I actively seek out to be scared, I guess the one example would be when driving. I love to drive fast, though that doesn't scare me, it just gives me the biggest buzz. Huh, I feel quite wuss-like now.

      As for your definition of fear, I can see where you're coming from, but I still disagree, I think there are some "fears" that aren't strictly negative, like when you're about to kiss someone new for the first time, you get that like, flicker of fear, but it isn't neccessarily that you're feeling negative, its just there because it is something unknown and new. I don't know, maybe I am just weird. Though I can see why you'd classy worry as being a fear now.

      But every single action we take could at a later date prove to be a mistake on our part, as much as it is bad to live in the past, it is unwise to spend too much time living in the future. Otherwise you'll miss out on the present. Ha, I keep saying that, I hate the thought of missing out on life. It kills me knowing that I'll never be able to find time to do and see everything that I want to. You just have to take everything as it comes. Admittedly something like murder would have to be an exception.

      I don't pity the dead, I just miss them, a lot. Especially the ones I never got to say goodbye to, and two friends in particular; they died in a really bad car crash that if I hadn't changed my plans, I'd have been involved in too. I always feel like maybe if I had of been there, things would have gone differently. I do keep the good times safe, but it doesn't make up for the absence in my opinion. It makes sense to have a defense mechanism like that though. I often find it funny the things the mind will do to try and protect a person.

      I have to say, that is quite an impressive record you have there.
    5. Catch the Rain
      Catch the Rain
      Again I disagree, though I can't speak for everyone, a lot of the time when confronted with something that I fear, it makes me more determined to solve whatever the issue is. I dislike to be beaten by anything, let alone my own mind. I also think that fear actually makes someone more decisive, think about it, say for example you're going on holiday to somewhere, but don't know whether to go by boat or plane, so you spend a while debating it in your mind and working out which one would be better etc, whereas if you're scared of one or the other, then it makes the decision easier. Yes, I know that was an awful example, but it was an example nonetheless. Though I will accept that fear can hold you back and can cause you to miss out on experiences as a result. I don't really agree that worrying is a form of fear though, but that may be because I am biased; I worry a lot about really stupid things, but I can't say any of them are things I fear, or that my worrying is similar to fearing. There is a quotation that I try to keep to where I can, it goes something along the lines of, "If you can't change it, what is the use in worrying, and if you can, what is the point in worrying?". Though one particular worry I have could be viewed as a fear I guess, I worry a lot about looking stupid, which considering how damn clumsy I am is quite pointless, but that is beside the point. I don't tend to fear my own actions, I can confidently say that pretty much everything I do, it seems like a good idea at the time, true it may backfire or go wrong, but thats how we learn.

      Since I was sixteen, I have had 5 if my friends die, that loss is horrible, it turns your whole world upside down and even now I struggle with it sometimes. I am extremely attached to the people I care about, and I think it would be right to say it is probably one of my biggest weaknesses, that, and I never know when to shut up, as you're probably starting to realise.

      Ah I see, in which case, that is no-where near as bad as I was led to believe. I'd assumed this was all relatively recently.
    6. Catch the Rain
      Catch the Rain
      I disagree, sometimes fear can actually motivate you into acting faster and more efficiently to a potential danger than you would if you had no fear. May I ask, what was it that caused you to stop having fear? Did you just wake up one morning and decide, or was there something that triggered it? I also don't fear death, it isn't something I am overly worried about (though I do not want to have an undignified death, I guess that is my biggest concern), though I do fear losing the people who are important to me. That is probably my biggest fear. I don't believe in regrets, I choose to see them as life lessons, but then I also dislike dwelling too much on the past, though I can't seem to help myself doing that more often than not.

      Seven? What on earth for? Are you deliberately trying to see how many you can get banned from?
    7. Catch the Rain
      Catch the Rain
      I actually think fear is a sensible thing to have, obviously there are some fears that are completely irrational, but I think of fear as a safety barrier. Don't get me wrong, I try not to be governed by fear, and sometimes I could seriously do with more of it, I have a bad habit of acting before thinking, but no fear at all I think would be a negative thing. No offense, if that's how you like to live then it's your choice, and I do try to face my fears when the chance arrives. I rarely get stressed though, I get irritated, explode and blow off steam, and then I'm fine. I do get nervous a lot, but that is mostly because I am insanely shy, it takes a lot for me to put myself out there.

      Sorry if it isn't something you like talking about, but just how many forums have banned you? I have been banned from two, this one on a temp ban for pretty much starting a full scale riot, and another forum because I tried to help their admin deal with a bot issue. I think you'll be alright here.
    8. Catch the Rain
      Catch the Rain
      A few years ago, mine went through a stage of being so horrific, I forced myself into like a state of insomnia; if I didn't sleep then I couldn't dream. It ended with me being threatened with sleep medication, but after talking to my doctor about it he suggested I keep dream journals instead and see if I could figure out common patterns etc, his idea didn't work, but that's probably when I first began to take a serious interest in my dreams and other peoples instead of just hiding from them. I wouldn't say mine fascinate me though, they irritate me more than anything because I can't work them out and I have no control, I fail hard at managing to lucid dream, only managed it a total of 5 times, and every one of those times I've ended up panicking and waking myself up. I think I like reading about others more because I can appreciate them and have a sort of secondary experience of them without having to have been there. Wow, sorry for the mini-essay.

      You know, I'd heard you'd been banned from forums in the past, but I have to admit, I don't understand why, you don't seem like the sort of member that places would want to get rid of.
    9. Catch the Rain
      Catch the Rain
      My dreams are nearly always frightening, I have this anxiety disorder called Nightmare Disorder which means I have a greater number of nightmares compared to other people and they are extremely real and vivid. On the plus side, the fact that I have extra dream recall means that when I do have good dreams, I remember those clearly too. Dreams, especially other peoples, really fascinate me.

      I am quite well thank you for asking, I got home from work and spent a couple of hours playing FFX and then decided to come online and work on some of my photography. And how are you?
    10. Catch the Rain
      Catch the Rain
      So I read your dreams, they're pretty funky, but it is pretty cool coming across someone with such vivid recall. Though I think if I logged mine somewhere online, I'd be locked away in a padded room by now.

      Also, hello, thought I would say hi properly.
    11. LARiA
      LARiA
      YOU CHANGED YOUR ICON.

      This is an event to remember.
    12. Kubo
      Kubo
      From a quick review I read looks interesting. First thing I thought when I saw a pic was Spirited away. Those kinds of movies have a similar style.
    13. Kubo
      Kubo
      Tekkonkkinkreet? Is it a real area?
      And yeah I would like a copy. :p
    14. LARiA
      LARiA
      A page of my messages, gone? That is a tremendous loss!
    15. LARiA
      LARiA
      ...Oh. Damn. I have already removed them all.

      AT LEAST A HUNDRED MESSAGES, GONE IN AN INSTANT. What a shame.
    16. LARiA
      LARiA
      I emptied it just now.
    17. kingdomheartsfan_567
      kingdomheartsfan_567
      hey can you make a GIF picture for me graphic i mean??
    18. Korra
      Korra
      Seems like I can't reverse/change it, sorry. D:

      And eh, to me it wasn't something to get really disturbed/offended by, I've never really understood how dreams manifest themselves. Personally I've had dreams involving members of the sites, as have others, plus (no offense to you) I know I wouldn't be in that situation.
    19. Korra
      Korra
      Ah, okay. Hm...I'll look into it and get back to you on that.
    20. Korra
      Korra
      Hey, just letting you know you're not supposed to be asking for rep - from friends or otherwise.
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    Birthday:
    May 27
    Location:
    The Matinée
    Default Name:
    Makaze
    Good luck.

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    Makaze#9709
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