◖ℂross Ťhe ℓine◗ [Character Dump Story]

Posting my reaction while reading.

"This poor girl... I love these types of things but-lkjfddjd.

OH! OHOHOHO! MY CHARACTER'S TURN. *spazz* She stinks, lol. But her music fits so well, cause they are the boys and girls who will change the town. Wow....that was unintentional too. I picked a good song. *pats self on the back.*

Lol ninja dog. So adorable in my mind. Lol, NOT YOUR PIZZA ANYMORE. Nix, you are a creeper. *doesn't actually think so, but is my reply whenever someone says something like that.* Pedo Bear: *walks in* I'M HOOOME-*is eaten by Kaze.* No! Focus Angel, focus. They're such good friends. ;~; CHEERS TO YOU BOTH.

You're so stuck up but I am jealous. If I could paint like that.../dies.

Nice poem indeed. Good friends, very nice. Liking how you're writing this. I like how you wrote everything though... Keep reading... Poor Elliot.

'...around one of his horn...' think you meant 'horns'? Sorry. Yeah. Poor him. He fell. Ouch. I love demon characters. Most interested. Judgment old ladies everywhere. Always with little dogs too. HAVE YOU NOTICED THIS? Oh, yeah. Probably have, since it is in your story...yeaaaaah. Um. Back to reading.

I did love Apple's ringtone, btw. :3 All of those were funny XD"

YOU ARE AMAZING.​

 

Yes!!! Kaida is just as i imagined her when i wrote her profile!!! im glad she's met someone already. i dont know what you mean, rushed. psh. I noticed a few errors, but nothing too big. Great job!!!

heres a link to a map of a whole bunch of malls in Chicago: http://www.chicagotraveler.com/maps/chicago-suburban-shopping-center-map.htm hope it helps. ^-^

Ima go read it again!!!

hehe, shark tank.

 

Hey um... Quick question but... Where's the first chapter
and I'm A-OK with my character coming in next chapter :)
also if you need rock groups pr book titles for my character do let me know

 

First of all, this really. It's all right to fangasm about her story (because I certainly will be), but do make sure your posts hold true to the ten word rule of the section, please. c:


_Mechanics

Overall, there were some errors scattered here or there. Most of these were just isntances of run on sentences and some places where the grammar could use a bit of tweaking.

Example from Apple's part:

It would be better if this were somehow trimmed down a bit. The effect of the sentence is to show just the mass quantity of things that Apple is getting from the resturant owners, so maybe condensing it a bit would help.Considering it's almost 3 am here, this may/may not be a good try at an example edt, but here it goes anyway.

_Story

I really, really liked this story Maka. xD The entire method behind it's creation was brilliant; I never thought to let OTHER people make up the characters and use them in a story before. xD It's almost like a personal fanfiction.

In regards to the story, I liked the motif of all of the kids prefering the inside rather than the outdoors. To me, it seemed to be alluding to their subconscious roots as half mythical beasts, which would ostracize them from the general public.

(Fangasm)

Adreana is so kewl and totes best eva

Keep it up! <:

 

People, just a heads up. Please don't spam. I can understand that this thread can be used for character dumping/discussion. However, I want you all to know that this part of the forum needs 10 words per post (which are not spam)

I encourage your discussion, and I really rather this thread stays here without deleted posts, but I need you all to cooperate with meaningful posts. I'm still wondering about what to do with this thread, as it's something that hasn't been done in a while.

Anyhow, I encourage you to continue with this Maka, as it is a very interesting idea.

 

I apologize for my last post, I see it got spammy.

Anyway, Chapter 1 is fantastic! Zeni is awesome (disapproval lady), and the other characters were great. I noticed a few typos:
"Zeni pulled on his red converse, stroke Alan..."

I think you meant stroked.
However, all in all, this is really good.
I am trying hard not to spam with :Ds.

 

Really enjoyed the first chaper of the story. There were a few errors in grammar and spelling, but nothing which made it incomprehensible to read. I really like the way in which you draw Adreana as a character, it's a great skill to be able to make a character which the reader instantly despises to the core, but you puled it off beautfully.

It was really interesting to see the way that you inter-weave to stroies of the characters. My guess is that something's gonna go down at the mall. then the aquarium and then the restaurant, which will see all 11 characters caught up in stuff. However, I don't know, it could be my old thoerising self coming out again XD. I'm really interested to see what you do with Aiyana, considering that her and Adreana are basically polar opposites, and i also really like how you haven't immediately stated outright what each of the characters is, their powers etc, but you've given hints to them all being different (aside from Zeni, who's just plain bizzare.)

Keep up the good work, and I look forward to the next chapter :).

 

I was going to ask what your favorite SSBB character was, but you weren't on and I was tired by the time I posted the chapter. "JUST GET THIS THING POSTED! D<" Glad you liked it though.

Thanks. ^^ It was actually pretty cool to see which characters had the same likes and personalities. Nix and Kyle seemed to be the kind of buddies to be together in the start of the story because they both love video games. As for the other characters, I'm still formulating plans as I type this.

Thank you again. :D

Phew! I'm glad you liked it. I was mostly worried about Elliot's and Kaida's part, but I'm glad you enjoyed reading it.

Wow, thank you. ^^; Yeah, I was trying to find the most amusing ringtone to me and I came across that one.

Tell meh what they are? :'D The errors I mean. And thanks for the map! I'll look into it before I start writing the second chapter.

Just go to the front page, look at my first post, scrolly down past the Final Characters List, and look under Chapter Index. Below that title, you'll see Chapter 1 in orange, and a spoiler tag. Click it, and Chapter 1 will appear for you to read! I hope that helps.

And yeah, if you can PM those rock groups and book titles please, that would be great. :3

Yeah, I'm so sorry you had to clean up after the fangasm... That sounded kinda awkward. (I think I solved the problem for that)

ANYWAYS, yeah I'm the kind of writer that goes into a lot of detail, probably more than I should. ^^; I'll need a lot of help editing my errors and such since this is such a big project and I always overlook things, so thanks for the tip.

Don't worry, I made a little thread elsewhere to post their spasms and stuff. Hopefully it'll keep the spamming down. So sorry about that.

And thanks, by the way! Glad that you think it's interesting. *Feels speckled* :3

Thanks for letting me know where to edit. xD Was that the only typo you noticed, or were their others? I wanna make sure it's mostly grammatically corrected so it's not a big miss of grammatic errors.

Glad you like your character. 8D

Meep! Can you please show me what to correct? D: *Ish a bit **** retentive when it comes to own mistakes* And thanks! :3 She was actually one of the easier characters to write for, which was surprising. I just kinda thought back to my live childhood roleplays where I played with stuff animals, and there was always that one snobby one in the group... You get the idea. ^^;

You'll see what will happen. xD Let's just say my Zombie is going to cause some serious trouble in a lot of places in the story. And there are also others that might be trouble. Not saying who though. Yus, I got plans for Aiyana, I really like how you created her. Yeah, Zeni is pretty bizarre, and I have plans for revealing powers soon.

Thank you all in all. :3



WOW! Thanks everyone, you've made my morning a brilliant one! Thank you all for the lovely critiques, and hopefully I can get those grammar errors and mistakes ironed out. By the way, since you all seem pretty excited about the story, I have a present for you all...

Here's a Family Thread for all of you to post your spasms, ideas, questions, comments, and all that jazz (To save poor Plumsy the trouble of cleaning up after everyone ^^; ): http://www.kh-vids.net/showthread.php?112203-◖ℂross-Ťhe-ℓine◗-The-Family&p=3425289#post3425289

Also, I LOVE notifications. Don't be hesitant to PM me or send me a Visitor Message. I'd love hearing from all of you.

Thanks again everyone for the love and support. I'm going to be taking a break today, but I might work on chapter two a little bit this evening. I may not be able to work on it much this week because I have a college orientation coming up, but I'm sure I'll be able to get it done.

LOVES~! :glomp:

 

Hello. since you asked for what you did wrong, im going to edit the errors that i noticed. edits in red.

thats it. i told you there werent many.

 

Great job Maka! I Lurved the first chapter, and I was like.....Woah. *Subscribes*

Really interesting on how you did it. I mean, I've seen stories like this, but yours....way better in so many ways. The characters I laughed at the most were probably Kyle and Nix. I love SSBB!

Good luck with the next chapter, and DH wishes you well with the college orientation!