A Divyous Poetry Corner

Discussion in 'Archives' started by MadDoctorMaddie, Jan 8, 2009.

  1. MadDoctorMaddie I'm a doctor, not a custom title!

    Apr 19, 2008
    Med Bay

    Might as well start one of these xD

    Here's a short poem I wrote for English-class... We had a bunch of prepositions that we had to use to start each line with, and the max. amount of lines was ten.

    It's kinda... vague xD


    Beside the lines
    against it all,
    towards what we had I go,
    without a second thought.

    Between the lingering memories,
    across from the fears of tomorrow,
    above all I know my thought, my soul lays.

    In to it all we go,
    like there's no hope...
    ... for us to lose.
  2. CrazyKhFan Merlin's Housekeeper

    Jul 29, 2008
    really nice work... :P
  3. ◄Slip► 1st Class Coder

    Ye that was Awesome ^^
    I just done a poem but Some! people here like Animals they will kill me :(
  4. sinister King's Apprentice

    Oct 5, 2007
    i don't live...
    really well done, miss!
  5. MadDoctorMaddie I'm a doctor, not a custom title!

    Apr 19, 2008
    Med Bay
    Thanks guys ^^
    I really appreciate it!

    btw, 500th post! *parties*​
  6. In explicit Angst Gummi Ship Junkie

    May 18, 2008
    Hidden in a messy room
    This is really good! Howdya gets so good? No fair! jkjk
  7. Dinny I am Anime ( ⚈้̤͡ ◡ ⚈้̤͡ )

    Jun 16, 2007
    Gotham City
    Awesome. Simply amazing.

    I love reading poetry, and hell this is just amazing!
    Even though it's pretty short, it's still very deep.
    The title's fitting too~
    Not just because of the content of the poem but also cause it got me thinking xD

    Still, all the same ~ Wonderful :]
  8. MadDoctorMaddie I'm a doctor, not a custom title!

    Apr 19, 2008
    Med Bay
    Thanks sis ^^
    And I got semi-good at writing because I read. A lot. You should try it >;3
    It would be good for ya!

    Thank you so much! 8D
    Keeping things short prevent me from blundering things up >.<
    And to be honest, the tittle was more of a plead for the readers, and luckily it fit with the poem xD
    Thanks again ^^
  9. T A F F Y シ Hollow Bastion Committee

    Jun 9, 2008
    France, Marseille
    love it love it love it love it 8d !!!
  10. MadDoctorMaddie I'm a doctor, not a custom title!

    Apr 19, 2008
    Med Bay
    Thank you <3
    I'm glad you liked it ;3​
  11. robert the yogurt Traverse Town Homebody

    Its really good. Have you ever considered writing a poetry book and publising it? You could make money and let the world see your awesom poetry.
  12. Juicy Chaser

    May 29, 2008
    * - lol, title. With one t.
    ** - this needs some punctuation to break it up o: It doesnt flow, there sound be a comma or a semi colon.
    *** - what lays? D:
    **** - Nice ending. <3

    Hmm, sorry if I sounded too harsh there. It was a nice poem. I just thought you needed some constructive criticism since telling you that you should write poetry books doesnt really help you xD

    I know you said it was vague, but most people like me need it to make some sense to understand and appreciate it D:

    It was nicely written though <3
  13. MadDoctorMaddie I'm a doctor, not a custom title!

    Apr 19, 2008
    Med Bay
    Thank you. But no, I haven't really, since this is possibly the first poem I have written since grade-school. I'm not that in to writing really, and I don't think I'd have the patience to write an entire book.
    Thanks for the compliments ^^

    *Oops... Darn Finnish language and it's excessive use of double consonants DX<
    Lol, placing blame on someone else =P
    Tittle is still a word, though XD
    ** *goes to use awesome powers of editing*
    *** Uhhh... The vibe? I honestly have no idea, I just thought it sounded nice >.<
    **** Thanks ^^ My favorite part in the poem, actually <3

    Don't worry 'bout that, I do need the advice, I really appreciate all the constructive criticism given to me. Compliments stroke my ego, but they don't necessarily make me better.

    Thanks for the advice and compliments <3
  14. MadDoctorMaddie I'm a doctor, not a custom title!

    Apr 19, 2008
    Med Bay
    For something written by me, this is quite dark. Also, it's almost closer to prose, but it seemed to work better in a poem format. I hope you like it, and please, leave reviews and constructive criticism!

    (You Needn't Be Afraid) Dear Child

    You're running.
    You're leaving them behind.
    You're escaping from those silent,
    wordless memories,
    escaping from the everlasting
    calls of your pitch black nightmares.

    And you're afraid.
    But you needn't be, dear child.
    What harm can mere dreams cause you?
    Can't you see that they can no longer hurt you?

    Why do you stay in the shadows, little one,
    if it's the dark unknown that frightens you so?
    Are you afraid that those shapeless monsters
    will snuff out your candle?
    Do you feel like the shadows are the only thing
    the dark cannot corrupt?

    And you continue your run,
    the cold air rushing into your lungs.
    Your breath comes out ragged,
    your sobs shake your frail body.
    If it was the cold you feared so much,
    why leave the warm refuge you call home?

    But what is this, dearest one?
    You move out back into the light,
    you fall down to the moonlit snow.
    You continue your escape with a crawl,
    your feeble body ignoring your cries
    beckoning you to get up.

    Why are you calling for me again, little child?
    Can't you see I've made peace with all this?
    You shouldn't feel so bad,
    the end came too fast for me to feel anything.
    That mess I left behind tells nothing of my true demise.

    So you shouldn't be so sad, child.
    As long as you're safe I am content,
    I know my sacrifice wasn't in vain.
    I'll die endlessly in your dreams,
    over and over again.
    But know this, my dear,
    what they show will always be worse than reality,
    they never tell you that for you,
    I left gladly.

    Remember this, my dearest one,
    I'll vanquish those nightmares by the crack of dawn.
    They won't hurt you like they hurt me.
    I'll always be there to make sure of it.
    And now it is your turn to let things go.
    How can we move on if you dwell in these lingering memories?

    Now turn around, welcome the dreams,
    go back to the safety that was your home.
    Make peace with all this,
    like I did so long ago.
    You'll see, it won't hurt so bad after all.
    Live the life I gave up for you,
    and never forget this:
    I will always love you, my child.
  15. MadDoctorMaddie I'm a doctor, not a custom title!

    Apr 19, 2008
    Med Bay
    Wow, such a long review 8D Thanks :glomp:

    I love your interpretation of it, at the same time it's so close to what I intended, but then again, it's so different. Which is a good thing, I've never thought that what the writer thought of their own story/poem should be the way everyone else sees it.

    That's pretty much what I meant, although I might extend that to cover the way the young person remembers the tragedy in only it's negatives, and the speaker wishes that the 'child' saw it also as a chance for him/her go on with his/her life and plans, without being guilty about the tragedy all of the time.
    But you're free to draw your own conclusions of it.
  16. Juicy Chaser

    May 29, 2008
    It was rather impressive. You seem to be a great fan of rhetorics and enjambment (carry-on lines) and thinking about other poetic devices would be a huge plus for your work. Assonance and alliteration would have done wonders in some of the lines there. ^^
    I got a rather creepy feeling from the poem; instead of the narrator being a comforting source of words he or she felt more like they were taunting the child. xD I especially liked the final stanza. :3

    Keep updating!
  17. MadDoctorMaddie I'm a doctor, not a custom title!

    Apr 19, 2008
    Med Bay
    Gah, I missed your reply at first ;__;

    I'm really glad that you liked it 8D
    >.< I have to admit I wasn't even thinking about the technical aspects when I wrote that... I kinda have a habit of writing what feels right for me.
    But I did try keeping your advice in mind when I wrote the newer poem.

    That was semi-intended xDx Originally the narrator was one of the 'monsters' chasing the 'child', but half-way through I decided to change it into a deceased loved one. But in a way, the person is still haunting the survivor, so I guess you could interpret it as taunting too.

    Anyway, I come bearing a new poem 8D
    This is a interesting one for me, as I actually wrote it originally in Finnish. So I translated and expanded it, and it turned out fairly good imo (although I have to say I liked the original Finnish one better because of the feel, but oh well xDx).
    Unfortunately, no points given if you guess what the inspiration behind this is <.<

    WARNING: Some violence in fairly graphic detail.


    Feet planted firmly on the ground, I move on, heart racing.

    _._Carefully, cautiously._._

    _._._Twisting, turning._._._

    _._._._Swirling, whirling,_._._._

    _._._._._gashing, slashing._._._._._

    I end my run by a large oak, in safety, heart still racing.

    _._Gasping for breath,_._

    _._._Waiting for some rest,_._._

    _._._._Praying for the best,_._._._

    Terrified, knowing that even that won't be adequate.

    I aim.

    _._I fire._._

    _._._I practically feel the bullet tearing through my targets flesh, severing anything in it's way to a bloody pulp._._._

    And for one fleeting moment, I feel unstoppable.

    Oh, the retaliation barely pinches at first,

    _._but then the burning spreads (god, oh god) like the plague,_._

    _._._My vision blurs, blackens._._._

    And my heart races no more.
  18. Juicy Chaser

    May 29, 2008
    I rarely read poetry like this, since I don't favour the almost complete lack of rhythm and the way it seems to resemble prose. This was pretty good, though. I'm curious- how much did you alter the translation? The rhyming and alliteration seems a little too convenient if only small alterations were made. xD

    I was confused between reading the penultimate and final stanza since you don't really mention the narrator being shot, only the target.
  19. MadDoctorMaddie I'm a doctor, not a custom title!

    Apr 19, 2008
    Med Bay
    8D I'm happy to hear that. Funny enough, I'm the opposite, while I don't mind rhythm and rhyme, I just prefer reading (and writing, apparently) small stories.

    It's very different from the original, I had to keep it fairly simple and short (they were meant as lyrics to a short choreography I had done for an entrance exam/audition), and I guess I just can say things in less words in Finnish better (ours is a very, very weird language).
    If I had translated it literally, it would sound more like this:
    Feet planted firmly on the ground, I move on.

    I stop by a large oak, in safety.
    I aim.
    I fire.
    And for a fleeting moment, I feel unstoppable.

    Oh, it barely pinches at first,
    but then the burning starts to spread.
    My vision blurs, blacken.
    But for a fleeting moment, I can see everything in the light.
    So, as you can see, it's a bit clumsier without expansion, in my opinion. And I didn't think the original ending fit with the expanded poem, so I had to change that (despite the fact that it was my favorite part in the Finnish version xD).

    Oooh, to the edit-mobile!
    EDIT: I changed one of the lines to "Oh, the retaliation barely pinches at first...", is that clearer?
  20. MadDoctorMaddie I'm a doctor, not a custom title!

    Apr 19, 2008
    Med Bay
    I'm re-posting my (few) entries to the poetry contests here on KHV

    First one is from this August's contest (theme is animals).

    Belle's Escape

    All it takes is a hop
    to send me over the top.
    It took just a second of planning
    to feel the wind oh so fanning.

    The fences that kept me prisoned so
    can keep me trapped no more, oh no!

    I run, I sprint, I trip, I spaz,
    before nibbling on some grass.
    But then a huge bird catches my eye,
    it let out such a scary cry.

    The fences that kept me prisoned so
    can't keep me safe no more, oh no!

    The scent of a cat in the air
    seems to be luring me to it's lair.
    But I won't be fooled by it's fog!
    Oh wait, is what I see really a dog?

    The fences that kept me prisoned so,
    can't keep me safe no more, oh no!

    She'd been playing her favorite song by Chopin
    when suddenly she screams "Mais où donc est mon lapin?"
    She dashes outside only to see
    me spazzing out, gettin' ready to flee.

    The fences that kept me prisoned so,
    can keep me trapped no more, oh no!

    She reaches out before grabbing some grass.
    I look on curiously, does she think I'm an ass?
    There's all the grass I need under my paws
    being fooled by her would defy all my laws!

    The fences that kept me prisoned so,
    can't fool me now oh-ho, oh no!

    The bird cries again, frightening me
    and I jump into her lap, it's the safest place to be.
    The decision that'd chain me again that I'd made tout de suite
    was the right one, as her love for me hadn't changed a whit.

    So she can keep those fences that prison me so,
    as they'll keep me loved and safe, oh ho!

    Sorry for the possible grammar mistakes in my French <.<

    The next one is from the November '09 contest (theme Short and Sweet)

    Short 'n' sweet

    So I was told to keep this short 'n' sweet.
    So now I'm looking out of the window,
    looking for inspiration in the form of sleet,
    So I could write about something mushy
    'n' give it a chance to grow into something rushy.