{A new beginning} (Sorta like KH)

Discussion in 'Archives' started by Yozora, Mar 12, 2007.

  1. Yozora Archer

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2007
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    female king arthur
    Location:
    with taiga, eating rice and ****
    883
    In a rainy day a boy named Darky wakes up in the big city called now(in the year 2099) "Micro City" where lots of new people come from around the world to buy and or see the places this amazing city is filled with. As he wakes up he finds himself on the floor and seems to not get up, "I think that food from my mom is not working out..." he said to himself. He then finally gets up with his home made Kingdom Key that his uncle Joe made for him but is now dead from a war that was started by the little humanoids from the planet "Orgozone". Everytime he uses that gift from unlce Joe it seems like he is getting this strength from it. As he gets i bed he looks out the city filled with lights with lots of colors, yellow, green, and purple. Everyone in the city loves the game KH and so they dicided to share their land with the Japanese for making such an entertaining video game for kids and teens from all ages.




    "Such a beautiful city..." Darky said with a big yawn "Just hope they won't go too far..." Darky never knew how the war with the Orgozonians war started but now thanks to them all the citizens from Micro City had to rebuild it by cutting down trees and now the animals almost don't have a place to stay or live in. There's one problome though. The city is bieng ruled by some wierd "Cloak" guys calling themselfs "The New Order". Darky has played KH and knows lots about Org. XIII but knows the game is just a creation made by a great artist but still they do wierd stuff in their tower of power. He heard from his friends in "Lincoln Middle School" that they had seen them and that they were really powerful, but Darky didn't care. He knew that if they were that powerful they could've done so many powerful things to the city. They were a mystery to everyone but still trusted them.
     
  2. Roxas OG

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    I'm going to critiscize you here.

    This makes no sense. You switch tenses almost every few sentences, there are quite a few spelling errors, and almost every sentence is a run-on sentence.

    It's also very short. Keep trying though. I'd suggest rewriting this and making it longer.
     
  3. Soushirei 運命の欠片

    Joined:
    Feb 22, 2007
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    Rat, I can tell that you're trying to experiment with more complex sentence structures, and for the most part, your ideas are intact.

    However, like Roxas was touching upon, you're confusing everyone with all sorts of incompatible or contradictory propositions. "In a rainy day", for example, you can't be 'in' a rainy day. "On a rainy day", is the correct way to say that. You also went on to say 'to buy and or see', which has two conjunctive words that are incompatible. Use only one of them, not both. While you may see the term 'and/or' used often in speech or on paper, this term doesn't work in the fictional world.

    Keep at it, and you'll get better.
     
  4. Yozora Archer

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2007
    Gender:
    female king arthur
    Location:
    with taiga, eating rice and ****
    883
    I know Im kinda bad at it since Im a bigginner and hate to write stuff but Im trying =\ Just trying to make this a little confuzing so that some people might be interested :3

    P.S. I chose the name Darky because I coulnd't think of one >_>







    The next day Darky went to see how the day was outside so he looked out the window and noticed that the sky was filled with very dark clouds and lighting was striking down at every home of the citizens. "What the hell? Isn't it day time already?" said Darky with a yawn. He went down stairs and was thinking about telling his mother what was going on. As he went downstairs there was a big dark portal on his wall and then some strange looking creatures grabbed him by the arm and tried to take him with them. As Darky was trying to shake them off he then saw his home made keyblade laying by his side and as he saw it he was thinking that this might all be a dream. Darky took his home made keyblade and smacked one of these "unknowns" but it didn't work. "Im so dead. What will happen to me? My family? Most of all...my video games..." as Darky was thinking everything stopped except the unknowns wich were still trying to pull him but it seemed like some force was making them leave. "Wow what the hell was that about? Could this be more then just a dream?" Suddenly the Energy Tower started to go down to the ground. Darky knew that the New Order were suspicious. He went outside and saw a person fighting off them with some wierd weaopen, "Could it be a keyblade?" Darky got closer and then saw that the figure was small and had big round ears in top of his head. "The king?!" Darky knew that the game KH was just a fantasy game but this was real. As the King saw Darky The King then jumped and landed in front of Darky. "Come. Come with me! I'll help you!" Darky was feeling a little stupid about this whole thing. He was starting to see video game charcters fighting. The King then just took his arm and told him to follow him wich seemed to be a dark tunnel leading into some wierd universe, "This is where you will find your new friends Darky" "H-how do you know my name???" "I've helped you in the game when you die. Don't you remember?" "The King!!!!" Darky shouted with a big surprise but didn't have anything else to tell The King sense Darky then found out that he was in the air falling down. He landed in the water and kept going until some person grabbed him and pulled him up. "Riku! Oh my god thanks!!! I really like you!!! Your my hero x3" But Darky sound found out that it wasn't Riku...but it was Sora, "Ummmm...Sora? xD... Ok you can let me drown now..." Sora laughed and showed him the Island. "Darky we need your help." Sora said, "But how? Im just a 15 year old. You must have the wrong guy. Sorry." "Oh no Darky! you are the one who is gonna help us in the keyblade war!" "A keyblade war?" Darky felt fear rising up on his body.
    "Its ok Darky. It won't be here soon you know. It will come in about maybe in about two weeks." "Weeks?!?!?!?" Darky was afraid and worried about the same time. What would he do now that he is in an island with charcters from a video game. Darky had only one choice. He had to stay.







    I'll continue it maybe when I feel like it. And sorry if its too short >_>