Afraid I must bug you for advice again

Another problem, one that has bugged me for quite some time recently resurfaced.

Guilt.

A constant feeling of crushing guilt, for existing, being, pushing my existence onto others. I feel the constant need to apologize and to atone for my existence and for pretty much everything I do. Stand near someone? Feel awful for it, joke around with someone? Feel awful for it, cause someone to feel bad or say sorry? Feel awful for it. This being the reaosn I apologize so often.

Due to this an old temptation returns, that of cutting oneself, the pain being a payment for one's transgressions, the blood washing it away or removing it from the body.

An undesirable coping mechanism but one which may prove necessary again. Hopefully not.

And so I ask you if you have any less destructive methods of coping to suggest.

 

Meditation. It will help you learn to let go.

 

^ This. Also, I can' t help but wonder why the hell you would feel such tremendous guilt over the utterly benign things that you listed. It kinda sounds like you just want to feel guilty and latch onto any excuse (valid or not) you could possibly find to relish into self-bashing. I' m curious, are you religious and/or raised by religious people ?

I' m asking because inoculating irrational guilt is the basic premise of every religion, and because the idea of blood punishment to compensate for a, uh ... "sin" is a very religious concept. It' s also completely stupid. It doesn' t buy back or atone anything, it only adds one more bad decision to the list (and it may very well be the only decision in that list that is actually bad).

Here' s an idea if you' re looking for atonement : atonement. Like, you know, trying to help the people you think you' ve wronged ?

 

I'm sorry if this comes off as rude, but I am only doing it to help. Cutting yourself, like with suicide, is not the answer to anything!

When did these problems of "constant guilt" start happening? Sounds to me like it's been going for a while. If that's the case, I suggest consulting a therapist with regularly scheduled appointments.

 

Wanting to feel guilty? hrm.. Well it's not a voluntary action as far as I'm aware, unless the desire in unconscious.

As for my belief I am a christfag but I'm far from religious. And although it does not strictly atone for anything as that which I'm atoning for is no crime at all it still atones for the transgressions my mind percieves, it is less a matter of paying for crimes than convincing my mind that I have, and thus allowing it to grant me a moment of rest and satisfaction. As for trying to fix my wrongs that would involve removing myself from society completely.

Quite frankly I'd love to be a hikikomori.

They've been around for a few years, but not permanently, I seem to go through periods wherein I feel like such and periods wherein I do not. And as for cutting not being the answer it is a means to an end, it isa way to remove this feeling of guilt, should I therefore choose to keep it within instead of removing it? It is perfectly acceptable in society for people to cause far worse mental and emotional and on some occasions even physical scars, yet as soon as one turns to doing it to oneself it is deemed wrong, odd.

Also I do have a meeting with a counsellor on the 30th, however I plan to raise another issue in it for which getting help involves a very long difficult, and not very surefire process, mentioning this may harm my chances.

I should probably start doing that again

 

Well, I just have a hard time thinking of any other explanation, can you ?

OK, the way you worded this makes one thing crystal clear : you are very much aware, on a very conscious level, that your self-inflicted "punishment" is self-delusion. I suspect you also know fully well that the pain you wreck onto yourself causes pain to all the people who know you' re doing this to yourself. Contrary to the pain you inflict to others by "being here" the pain you inflict to others by hurting yourself is actually the real deal (and it is quite severe).

Then please explain to me why being here would be perfectly ok for anyone but you ? Hell, why would it be wrong, period ?

If you do realize that you have no real reason to feel guilty to begin with, and that your "solution" is nothing but a feeble attempt at self-delusion bringing you right back to guilt, yet can' t help repeating this cycle over and over then it means you' re addicted to it. If my making things super obvious to you doesn' t change anything then you do mean professional help, nothing we post on a few dozen lines will talk you out of it. I would know, I' m an addict myself.

 

Insert better filler than this here.

Perhaps the root of the problem might not actually lie in feeling that I am inconveniencing others with my presence. I can't really claim to know right now. I'll think on it.