Ok, I am not big on communicating with someone when I have a problem with something, so I hold it in a lot which only makes me more uncomfortable. I have been through a lot in life which makes me really closed off and untrusting of ppl. I don't mean to e that way, and I want to be open, but it's hard for me to do when I don't trust others. I know that sounds stupid, but I have deep trust issues, so if I don't trust someone, I won't tell them they are annoying me or things they do make me uncomfortable. And I know that sounds sad, but I have really bad anxiety so when I have to say something is bothering me or I have to speak up in order to be heard, I get flustered and nervous, so much so, it means me feel like I want to throw up. I really don't know how to fix this and I am 19. If I don't get over it now, I don't think I ever will. Is there any advice you guys could give me on what I can do to get through this?
Yes it is. I have this current situation in which I need to learn to speak up, but I fear being rude or hurting the other person's feelings.
B/c I have grown up in abusive environments were words were used to hurt, and my feelings were never considered, therefore, I consider others feelings which translates into my being silent which isn't beneficial to me, but it kills me to speak up for my own good b/c I fear treating others the way I have been treated, so I tend to be very passive or pretend things aren't happening so I don't have to deal with them or saying i oppose certain actions or doings of others.
That is a very mature observation. What if you think of it in terms of balance? If you don't say anything, you are put in an uncomfortable position and it won't get better. If you do say something, they are put in an uncomfortable position. If you think about it like that, it doesn't seem so bad to switch it off of yourself once in a while. If you do say something, things can get better. Their discomfort may make you feel guilty, but don't worry. It is only temporary. If they don't want to make you uncomfortable then they will probably amend their behavior to make everyone comfortable. If so, you can avoid making anyone uncomfortable in the future. It's almost always better if people are honest with each other both ways so that the irritation doesn't go on to cause a long term cycle of annoyance and avoidance. Trust isn't a one-way street. You have no reason to feel bad if they are honest with you, too. Don't worry if you have trouble thinking of a way to tell someone they are annoying you. You can almost always present it in an inoffensive way. If you want to say, "It's annoying when you joke like that," you could say, "Can you please not joke like that?" instead. If you present it as a request between friends, it's harder for them to take offense. It's important to urge your friends to do the same to you so that everyone is happy and no one has to pretend to be having a good time when they are not.
Fair enough. Great advice. I really appreciate that. I have been trying, but sometimes, if i know a person is very sensitive, I may not say anything though it is rational that I should talk to them about it. I mean, I am considerate of other ppl's feelings, but then I feel uncomfortable which can kind of make me act a little meaner than I intend to seem. In such situations, I am so uncomfortable I sit in silence or say things that may seem a little mean, but not t hurt. It's just i feel so not in control that I'd rather pretend not to be there or pretend to be engaged when in truth I'm not.
You are, in fact, in control. You can choose to speak out or not to. No one else can make that choice for you. Next time you want to do something like this, think of it like an experiment. Take your personal feelings out of it and decide not to care about the outcome, because the point is to see what happens for interest's sake. Think about it like a game where the object is to make everyone, including you, more comfortable. Come up with best way to do that, rationally, and then do it. Don't deviate from that course no matter what. Even if things start to go sour, don't change your tactic. If it doesn't work out then you can look at what you did wrong and change your method for the next time. You will be one step closer to doing it than before. If it works out then you found a way to solve things. Either way you end up better off than if you did nothing.
Makaze has a lot of good advice, so I won't take away from that or go over anything he said again. I just want to kind of add to it. I used to be just like that, where I wouldn't say anything because I know how much words can hurt. (Both from being hurt by words when I was a kid, and by turning right around and repeating what I was told in an effort to hurt others. Needless to say, I didn't exactly get along with my fam back then.) When I was a teenager, I decided I didn't want that life anymore, and closed myself off completely, letting anyone say anything and trying my best to just not let it effect me when they did. A couple years back (coincidentally, when I was 19) I again decided I wasn't content with my life and started letting myself feel and express my feelings again. Things had gotten better with my fam, and with a little effort on my part, I ended up being actually friends with most of them. Now, I actually am struggling to figure out the optimal way to handle my emotions, and the way I convey them to others. When I was a kid, I lashed out. When I was a teenager, I suppressed them. So now, I'm getting better, but it's still a process and I've got a long way to go. lol, I actually did end up discovering I have a very rude side of me that likes to rear it's ugly head when I'm dealing with people who annoy me or who say stupid stuff. XD SO ON TO MY ADVICE PART! One of the hardest things for me to deal with is, like I said, controlling my mouth, and how bad I feel when my mouth does get me into trouble. If there's one thing I've learned these past few years, it's that what's done is done. There's no need to dwell on what is past, the important thing is to learn from it and take those lessons into your future. I'm not saying you should use this as an excuse to say whatever comes into your head (though you don't seem like the kind of person to do that anyway) I'm saying if, some time, you end up saying something you wish you hadn't said, don't beat yourself up about it. Life happens, and most of the time, whoever you said it to won't even notice, or they'll shrug it off and forget about it soon enough. Also, Makaze was right that you should encourage those around you to do the same to you. Especially close friends or family members. My mom and two of my sisters all understand that I would rather be told I sound rude than they just let me live on in blissful ignorance. In the same way that I now tell them what I think, they tell me when I accidentally say it mean. In conclusion: it's important to be able to express yourself, it's important to try your best to do it nicely, and it's important to forgive yourself when you mess up. Hope that helps, and good luck! :)
