Hey there, I just finished writing the first chapter of a story. I'd like some constructive criticism and opinions on the story. You can find the story here: http://darkhorsed.deviantart.com/art/Insanity-Chapter-One-365785031?q=gallery:darkhorsed&qo=0
Omg... Spoiler: Main Villain? Slendpony? Srsly? LOL! I experienced the greatest mix of terror and insuppressible giggles I have ever known. Other than that, I wanted to see more detail, which was horrible malnourished here. We're talking very animated, very vibrant and varied characters, and frankly, I got I a very botched, patchwork image of what I figured you were trying to portray. One detail was clear in my mind and was satisfactory for a new image, and it is in the spoiler; I loved that. Also, when switching from a tale from the past to a modern first narrative, you want it to transition a little more smoothly. Other than the bad points, which pretty much were all summed up in what I wrote: I loved it. I'm a bit of a brony myself and found myself enjoying the mix of elements that you produced.
Quite an interesting combination of Slender and Pony. I myself enjoy a good pony horror fanfic every now and again. This could very well turn out splendidly. I'd recommend setting up more detailed story plots though. This is currently just piecing everything together in a way that screams out scripted. The dialogue was alright. That didn't appear scripted, but the movements of the ponies and flow of the story did. Other than that, nothing really wrong with this. Grammar and spelling look pretty spot on. Can't wait for the next installment ^^
Story update! Both the second chapter, aanndd a prologue. Enjoy :) http://www.fimfiction.net/story/97643/insanity
It was a very good chapter. ^^ The story flow seems a lot less scripted than it did before. There was one grammar mistake that popped out at me. In the fourth from last paragraph . . . Not necessarily a mistake as many would pass it on as fine, but these two actually go together. Also you forgot an 'I'. Rather than separate the two . . . See, it's better not to start a sentence with a conjunction. I also placed in that missing 'I'. I didn't really catch anything other than that S&G wise. I did, however, catch a sort of hole in the story plot. I was wondering, why exactly was Twilight creating the projection? Before reading the AN at the bottom, I thought it was just paranoia getting to Striker. Is there a reason for why Twilight was doing that? Something that I missed? Other than that, it was an interesting chapter. Shows the realism that comes with being in the 'Slender' situation. Paranoia setting in, fear and adrenaline. It was very good ^^
No, you didn't miss anything, I just didn't put the reason in. The main reason she was doing that was because she was practicing a new spell she got. You'll find out more about it later in the story.
