Etrius' Backstory (KHSOS)

Discussion in 'Archives' started by mindstorm787, Mar 17, 2013.

  1. mindstorm787 Gummi Ship Junkie

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    Etrius is a character from KH:SOS. His story takes place 11 years back from the events of KH:SOS, and this backstory is a filler for something much bigger. This is NOT part of the KH:SOS thread and this is something that I am doing as part of my free time.

    Thank you and Enjoy!


    CHAPTER 1
    Age: 5
    The Dark Keyblade Army had just returned home after years of bloody, pointless fighting over the light. Everyone was tired and sad, as they had not only witnessed the destruction of there comrades and colleagues, but the destruction of the X-Blade as well, seeing it it shatter into 7 pieces of light which floated to the sky, never to return, and the 13 pieces of darkness, which seeped into the ground. Such an omen was viewed as treacherous, so the leaders, wether light or dark, good or corrupted, made a pact never to return on the condition of war, and returned to their respective homes. One such legion, the legion of pure darkness, untainted by corruption, is where our story begins.


    Draconine was talking to one of his servants when there was a tiny knock on the door. It wasn't often that he got visitors. "Could you excuse me a moment?"
    "Yes, your highness."
    Draconine turned to the door, "Enter!" He commanded.
    The large door creaked slowly, revealing a small boy, wearing a black cloak. His hair was clean but unkempt, straight but wild. He wore small, wire-rimmed glasses, that perched on his nose. Draconine smiled, knowing that that boy was none other than Etrius, his youngest son. He heard among the boy's teachers that the boy was highly ambitious, always punctual with his work, and always payed attention. Best of all, he seemed to enjoy his classes.
    "Etrius, my boy, come here you!" Draconine said in a playful voice. Etrius smiled and ran up to his father. Draconine ruffled the boys hair and looked into his son's eyes. They were a pale yellow, much unlike the fathers deep orange. He loved his son very much, but something was off about him. He was pure darkness, but something was missing.
    Draconine shook his head and asked, "What is it my son?"
    Etrius said, "There are fighting in the streets again, father, and this one was pretty intense."
    Draconine groaned, put his son down from his lap and went to a nearby window. Fighting was common on Abraxas but not unheard of. But still, The Lord of Abraxas cannot stop every fight from erupting. He would have to call the Heartless Armors to take care of the situation.
    "Why do we always fight father? It seems pointless to fight over simple things like taxes or prison disputes. Can't it be settled in a different manner?" Etrius asked.
    Draconine was taken by surprise at his son's question. True, the people of Abraxas were fighters, but at times, it did seem pointless.
    "We fight because we have no better way of settling things." Draconine replied, "Because that is our way of life. We can't change who we are all alone, Etrius." He turned to the boy, "But you can change that when you're older."
    "Well, why can't you change it?"
    "Because, I'm too old. Even you know this." Draconine sighed.
    Etrius did know this. His father had gone through a lot.
    Etrius then smiled, then said, "You'd better not be too old to see me gain my Mark of Mastery then!"
    Draconine smiled back, saying, "I wouldn't miss it to the world." He snapped his fingers, signaling dismissal.


    CHAPTER 2
    Age:8
    There had been a crowd gathered in front of the town square. Etrius sat on a nearby pot eating a golden delicious apple. The ringleader, Marshall, had gathered these people for the third time today, and as far as Etrius knew, this man was bad. He kept on speaking of new diplomacy, and reform. True, this entire city needed reform, but not by protesting 3 times a day, and certainly not by these bunch of vagabonds. Sighing, Etrius threw his apple away, half chewed, and started walking away.
    "We should overthrow Lord Draconine!"
    Etrius stopped. He turned, and saw that the entire crowd had stopped chanting, and were now silently looking at a man named Nicholas. This man was known as the grubbiest man in the city, but something like that.....
    Marshall looked at him and said "Yes! We must! Why? Everyone in this town that this so-called famous leader of ours who's been leading for nearly 50 years, and he still keeps the glory for himself!"
    Etrius clenched a fist. That wasn't true! Etrius' father established everything from curfews to freedom rights, and he always gave power to the people, they're just too lazy to do anything!
    Marshall went on, "Do you know what happens if we leave a royal family to rule? We'll die! I mean look around, how many of you do you know of a world ruled by deities?" Literally everyone shook their heads. "That just goes to show that we're living in a dead nation! And besides, they instill too much fear anyway, letting Heartless running around. I mean, who do they think they are?"
    Etrius patience had just run out. The people of this town were acting immature, and such acts aren't meant to be tolerated.
    "SHUDUP. JUST SHUT UP!" Etrius shouted.
    The crowd turned to see the boy wrapped in an unmarked shawl. Typical annoyance.
    "Get lost boy," Marshall chuckled, "We have diplomatic things to discuss."
    Etrius cracked his neck under the hood. "The only thing that's diplomatic around here is wether you'll end up in a body bag, or eternal banishment in the Realm of Darkness." Etrius growled.
    Marshall took two steps backward. Who is this guy? What the hell did he want?
    Etrius pulled off his hood. "My name is Etriosis Veltran Dio Parilaz," He said, "And you have cursed the royal bloodline, which is punishable by the fullest extent of the law."
    The crowd snorted and laughed. Through hysterical tears, Marshall said, "Like that matters to us anymore, besides you're too young to do anything. You aren't even old enough to summon guards!"
    That was also true, and the crowd suddenly looked more menacing, summoning clubs and stones. One such stone sailed through the air, hitting Etrius on his right cheek. As Etrius got up and checked his cheek, he saw Nicholas throwing a stone in the air and catching it. He was laughing, showing only two front teeth. Etrius had never been mad in his entire life. Suddenly the air changed. Everyone felt it. Etrius closed his. The next few moment were hard to describe. Etrius' skin darkened. Dark smoked poured off of his shoulders and hands. His eyes turned from a firm yellow to a hazardous red. And the biggest thing, of all, was that when he put out his hand, a black column of fire materialized a dark red, purple, and black sword. The hilt was shaped in the teeth of a key, and the head shown a clock, set to 12:00. The keychain was the symbol of the Parilaz family crest.
    Etrius had become a Keyblade-wielding Antiform Heartless. His red eyes scanned the crowd, now afraid of the person who had become a Heartless willingly. But Etrius wasn't a normal Antiform. He suddenly teleported, striking Nicholas in the face with the blade. He never woke up again. The strike itself sounded of a combination of a thunderclap and the gong of a clock. It started to rain. Etrius looked at the crowd again. He ran at the crowd, and all hell broke loose.

    ***********

    Draconine was doing his daily rounds patrolling the town with the Heartless Armors, when he came across several destroyed buildings and a few bodies. Pureblood Shadow Heartless wandered around checking the bodies for hearts. He saw Etrius' body lying on the ground. He had blackened out due to major exhaustion. It had been a wonder that Etrius survived, much more that he didn't retain his previous Heartless state. Draconine looked at the boy's newly earned Keyblade, but it wasn't red, purple, and black anymore. It was the standard Kingdom Key, with a simple keychain. Draconine sighed. His son was indeed different, there was no denying it, but Draconine knew that his son shouldn't know, otherwise, Etrius would have fears for himself. As Draconine carried his son to the boy's sleeping quarters, he vowed to keep quiet about the fiasco for the sake of the city and for the sake of Etrius' destiny.


    CHAPTER 3
    Age: 10
    Etrius had arrived at the Audience Chamber, just as his father and mother told him to do, after he was done with his studies. It wasn't often his family had gotten visits, considering all the royal duties. There had been multiple riots in the city, and crowd control was getting harder to maintain. Surprisingly, Etrius was sent for those mishaps, being strictly ordered to 'calm the crowd' and not 'extinguish'. There also had been reports of other worlds falling to Darkness. Those reports state that the the Heartless in particular, lead these major attacks. That being said, tension in the city rose to a high point. Draconine and Dementia had been known by other people for their warrior spirit, but also known to 'tame' the Heartless. They did this by displaying strength, and iron will, but they never struck one down. Soon, dead Keyblade weilder's armor manifested into Heartless, bearing the Keyblades themselves. They were soon known as the Heartless Armor Corps, serving as the royal guards of the Abraxas Fortress, where Etrius and his family lived.

    All in all, people were now scared to death by the Heartless, townspeople even slew mere Shadows on sight.
    Only the Armor Corps remained loyal and silent. Etrius walked down the hall in his standard cloak, black and unmarked. Two Armors stood on either sides of the large wooden doors leading to the Audience Chamber. At the sight of Etrius, one of the Armors bowed low, but the other gave the slight signal of a salute. Occasionally, Some of the Armors didn't exactly respect some of the royal family, as there were many guarding it, but this particular case, that was normal. All Heartless Armors somehow are able to develop a conscience in most cases. Etrius closed the door behind him and turned.

    There sitting on two thrones entirely of iron, were Draconine and Dementia Parilaz, Etrius' father and mother. Etrius' brother and sister weren't here, which Etrius expected. They were both out on an outing, checking the Heartless population no doubt. As Etrius entered the room, his mother said, "Quick, my child, get into position. Our visitors will arrive any moment."
    Etrius did exactly so, just as he heard a knock on the door.
    "Enter!" Ordered Draconine, straightening in his throne.
    Two figures entered. One of them was an old man in his late-70s, half hunched over. He was balding and his cloak was opened, revealing a white dress shirt and dark black boots. The most astonishing part, was his face. The man had pale yellow eyes, exactly like Etrius', only strangely colder. He wore a smile that suggested to Etrius that this man had a lot of pride under his belt.
    The second figure wore a red and black muscular suit. His body build looked masculine, looked 17. He wore a mask that was reflective. The boy looked at him and said, "What're you lookin at?"
    The older man frowned at the boy. "Don't be rude, Vanitas, this boy is obviously of royal blood, show him some respect!" Said he.
    "Looks more like a shrimp to me," replied the boy, but he fell silent under the old man's glare. The old man turned to Etrius' father
    "Draconine, how are you?" The man asked warmly.
    Draconine frowned in return and said, "Xehanort, it's been too long."
    --- Double Post Merged, Wednesday at 4:34 PM ---


    CHAPTER 4
    Xehanort walked quietly into the room, Vanitas following close behind. Xehanort looked at one of the Armors guarding the room, and held out his hand, summoning his Keyblade. As the Keyblade materialized, the blade was at the chin of that Armor. The Armor remained slack and not moving. Xehanort, blade still at the neck, said to Draconine, "My, my Draconine, these dark creatures are marvalous by my standards! These Heartless somehow managed to merge in with fallen Keyblade weilders armor! What do you call these creatures?"
    "We call them Heartless Armor, since they are embodiments of darkness, yet they are able to wield the Keyblade." Draconine responded. Xehanort looked back at the Armor, then let his Keyblade disappear.
    "I am quite interested in these new beings, but I am more interested in a bigger purpose." Xehanort said, sounding more serious, "I have a way to bring back the X-Blade."
    Dementia spit out the tea that she was drinking and coughed. Etrius' jaw lowered slightly in disbelief. Bring back the X-Blade? Impossible.
    Xehanort smiled at Etrius. "The X-Blade isn't impossible to reforge," said he, as if reading the family's thoughts, "It just takes tedious measures." He gestured to Vanitas, "This boy here is purely darkness. If I make him clash with a Keyblader who is purely of light, and they fight to the death, they have a chance of forging the X-Blade."
    Draconine stood. This was completely inhumane. More to the point, was he asking to give him one of their own??
    Xehanort continued, "I'm not asking for your offspring, because they are also darkness. They are of no interest to me. What I am interested in is you and your family helping me conquer the power. If the light and darkness successfully forge the Blade, I might be too weak to harness it's power. You, Draconine, on the other hand, have much strength under your belt. Help me conquer the X-Blade. Together, we can bring the light back to where it belongs."
    By now, the entire Parilaz family was troubled. Draconine was sitting on his throne, thinking deeply. Dementia was looking frantically between her husband and Xehanort. Etruis was seething. He did not like this Xehanort character. Not one bit. Draconine suddenly stood again, grabbing the attention of everyone in the room. In all his years, Draconine won many battles, and was respected by many people. He may have had the power of darkness at his side since birth, but that didn't make him a tyrant.
    "Leave this place Xehanort," Draconine said, his voice like a low thunderclap, summoning his Keyblade, "And never return. For years Xehanort, you've been chasing blind fantasies of greatness, and in the process hurt many people. Never talk about this to anyone, or you'll doom the entire universe as we know it to dark abyss that we will never climb out."
    Etrius thought he saw a flash of anger in those yellow eyes, but it disappeared as quickly as it came. Xehanort lowered his head and turned. But before he left, Xehanort said, "You are the fool here Draconine. These opprotunities never come easy. You are making a very FATAL mistake." And he walked out, just like that.
    "What he said." Vanitas added, laughing and following out. It was a high mocking laughter.

    CHAPTER 5
    Age: 12
    A large increase of Emblem Heartless had started appearing. This was bad, explaining how many people started to disappear on Abraxas. Etrius now was working full time around the castle. If it wasn't his studies, he had to constantly settle increasing riots, 2 of which had gotten out of hand and ended in a small 5-night brawls, three other riots of which Heartless attacked. It was now that the entire Parilaz family started giving Purebloods second glances. The Heartless Armor Corps were authorized to take care of the incoming enemies and riots if any were to attack the castle. Etrius had already woken up and finished grooming himself, and was now going to the Audience Chamber to receive his daily agenda from his father. As he came down one of the Armors got in front of him. Etrius was about to summon his Keyblade, but the Armor didn't summon it's Keyblade. Instead, it lowered its head, and Etrius heard a low groan and a grinding coming from the metal soldier, and to Etrius' astonishment, he somehow understood what it was saying.
    "Be careful, my liege," The Armor groaned, "I sense an oncoming storm. Our world will be devoured by the corruption that this world produces, and Heartless will run free to do as they please."
    Etrius was annoyed. He had to settle 6 riots the other day, and his Keyblade lessons were getting harder and harder. "Why should I listen to you?" He retorted, "Your nothing but a damned soul in a fallen warrior's armor. For all I know and all I could care, you might just be spies for our enemies!"
    He rushed passed as the Armor returned to its post. He walked through the door to find his father, eyes closed in thought. Draconine reopened his eyes, and smiled wearily at his son. "Good morning Etrius." He said.
    "The increased work is getting to him too." Etrius thought in pity. He walked up to the throne, bowed in respect, then stepped back. "You've been up all night again, haven't you?" Etrius said, voice quiet but obviously scolding. Draconine straightened in his throne. "Yes, I have. I'm just worried on how things started to turn out. Our world is falling apart, Etrius." Then something crossed his mind. "Come here, I have a gift for you."
    Etrius smiled, ran up to his father and sat on his lap. Draconine reached into his shirt, and pulled out a necklace. It was shaped in a 4-point star, and it shined in the dim light of the rising sun just outside the window. It looked like a simple keepsake object, but Etrius felt a faint power from within.
    "In a time of great crisis, my father gave me this object in order to protect the throne." Draconine said, "This is no ordinary necklace, Etrius. Instead, this thing has the power of bringing out the inner state of the mind, whether its forgotten memories, inner power, or a much greater purpose." He held it out to Etrius, "This works only for the Parilaz bloodline, and in times of great danger, this coveted object shall give you the strength to survive."


    As Etrius touched the necklace, his eyes suddenly flashed red, startling his father. Inside Etrius' mind, his memories shown of the events of when he had gained his Keyblade. He saw himself turned into an Antiform, and his Keyblade was entirely different. As Etrius watched himself attack an entire crowd, the memory stopped, and he was back in the Audience Chamber, on his father's lap. He looked at his father and asked, "What happened when I was 8?"
    Draconine flinched at the statement. He knew this day would come, though he dreaded to tell his youngest son, fearing that if Etrius knew the truth, he would see himself differently.
    "You were angry." Draconine said slowly, telling the caged truth, "It was a rouge crowd, talking against me. But you fought them. And whats more, you succeeded. I was actually surprised that you would gain your Keyblade out of shear anger. The point is Etrius, you aren't a monster if that's what you're thinking. You are a special child, and you have so much potential."
    Etrius smirked at the last comment, "I bet you said that to Maultin all the time when he was young."
    Draconine gave a look of mock surprise, "Not true!"
    After the two laughed for a few seconds, they were interrupted by a banging at the door. Suddenly it flew open, a Heartless Armor flew out the door and skidded to the floor at the foot of the throne. A Large Body Heartless waddled in with a few Knight Heartless.

    Instantly, Etrius launched from his father's lap and landed on the floor in front of the fallen Armor. The necklace was draped around his neck, hanging freely from his vest. He held out his palm and summoned his Keyblade. He was planning to hold it fronthand, but something told him "No." Etrius spun his Keyblade, and held it back handed. It felt good, actually. Then, after 5 seconds, Etrius jumped back and slashed at the Knights, attacking in a manner similiar to a Fever Pitch. Draconine watched his son striking left and right, taking out all the Knights in the room, and extinguished any that tried to get in. Draconine brought out his Keyblade and jumped high in the air, stabbing downward at the Large Body, which was having a hard time keeping up with a quick footed Etrius. The Emblem Heartless exploded in a splash of darkness, releasing a large heart. The doors opened, revealing Maultin, Etrius' older brother. Draconine ran to Maultin and hugged him, thankful he was all right. When he was done, he asked, "Where is your mother and sister Maultin?"
    "Outside in the Courtyard, defending the castle with a few Purebloods and Armors. It seems like the Emblem Heartless are focusing on the Fortress. This must be one of the major attacks we heard of." Maultin replied quickly.
    Draconine stretched his back, muttering under his breath, "I'm getting too old for this." Then he ordered, "Very well. Maultin, you come with me and help with keeping the Heartless back." They were about to leave, when Etrius said, "What about me?"
    Draconine turned and kneeled to Etrius' height. "I want you to alert the other Armors in the entire Fortress and order them to go to the Courtyard. Any Shadows you find, tell them to follow suit. After that, I want you to escape from here."
    "What??!! No father, I will not-"
    "Don't argue with me Etrius." He turned to Maultin and signaled him to get going. After Maultin left, Draconine said more intensely, "There is something that these Heartless want. You hold to the key to it now. That's why you need to leave. There is a place, called the Land of Departure. I want you to go there and stay there till I arrive."
    Etrius did not want his father to leave him. But what choice did he have? A tear slid down one of Etrius cheeks, and hugged his father, and took off out of the room. That was the last time he would hold his father.

    CHAPTER 6
    Etrius ran around the Fortress, alerting all Armors and Purebloods. The situation was getting worse. Etrius' family was not only having to beat back hundreds of Emblem Heartless, but a wave of blue creatures as well. As Etrius entered the cellar and alerted the last of the Armors, down the cellar hall, past the many wine kegs, stood a statue. Etrius had seen this statue many times but never really payed much attention to it. Now, however, he looked at it more closely. The statue was that of a Keyblade Wielder in his armor bound in chains, shackled from his wrists, criss-crossing his torso, all the way down to the ankles. The statue's build was very buff, and the helmet was in the shape of a pyramid, and the horns looked ragged and curled upwards. The statue knelt in front of an incredibly large and heavy looking blade, a blade that couldn't be held by an ordinary man. The statue sat on top of a pedestal holding all of the details that Etrius had failed to look at for so many years. The strangest thing was that at the front of the pedestal shown a small indent of a 4-point star, exactly the shape of the necklace that Etrius had been given from his father. He was about to take the necklace off when a armored glove grabbed his arm. Etrius turned, face-to-face with another Armor. This Armor's body was feminine, of a teenager, about Etrius' age. It's helmet was normal, and the horns curled backward. It was Aileen, one of the Armors Etrius "befriended". Now, Etrius saw it nothing more than an abomination. However, the Armor's hand tugged more urgently at his arm, groaning "My liege, you must leave this place! The rest of the Armors are becoming overpowered by the endless waves of enemies!"
    Etrius snorted. "I have nothing to say to you." He scoffed, "Why should you, a shadowed heart inside the body of a fallen warrior, care about my well being?"
    The Armor made a scratching noise, sounding a lot like laughter, then grunted stubbornly "Because you were lonely during your studies and you needed someone to talk to, and I was the only to even have the heart to talk to you."
    Etrius raised his eyebrows. He already had known from his father that Armors were able to develop a conscience, but this was entirely different, not to mention insane. He remembered talking to this purple-gray piece of metal to find a fast relief out of his studies and BAM! The Armor became Etrius' closest advisor besides his father, and only friend among the Fortress of oddball Heartless. And it was that very piece of metal, besides Etrius' family, that Etrius cared about and talked to. Etrius shook his head, cleared his thoughts thinking of a way out. He knew that transportation was limited for him. He knew he couldn't use a Keyblade Glider, because he didn't have the ability to, and mere, raw teleportation that his family could do with ease was out of the question.
    "Come," hissed Aileen, sounding more agitated, "To the Tower. That is the only place the other Heartless haven't touched, and you may be able to utilize a Dark Pathway."
    "But that's too dangerous!" Etrius exclaimed as Aileen dragged him along the stone steps, "I might end up bringing in more Heartless into the Fortress."
    "We don't have a choice." Aileen groaned, "That's the only thing you can do to escape, and I can't utilize my Keyblade as a Glider.
    Suddenly, 5 white creatures appeared. Their appearance looked more horrendous than the Heartless themselves. Their appearance was humanoid, but very deformed and skinny. They had big heads, and a zipper ran across each of their mouths and torsos. Their hands were long and skinny, and were collared. They moved like they were elastic, and stretched as if no pain came. Aileen immediately summoned her Keyblade, let go of Etrius and slashed through one of them, making them explode in a burst of light.

    What followed was one of the most difficult fights Etrius had ever done in his life. He hacked and whacked at 2 of them no problem, but the other 2 kept moving and stepping out of the way of Etrius' lunges. One smacked Etrius straight in the face, making him fall. Fortunately, he recovered quickly, and attacked. As the creature got ready to jump in the air, Etrius quickly slid sideways and jabbed the monster from behind,killing it.
    "Nice one." Aileen grunted as she took out the last one. She took off up more flights of stairs. Etrius followed. As the duo made it to the last set of stairs, Aileen suddenly exclaimed, "What's going on over there?"
    Etrius looked to where Aileen pointed. He saw 5 figures among thousand of Emblem Heartless in a large circle. One of the figures was the masked boy, and the others were his family.
    "Oh no." Barely escaped Etrius' lips as he saw the masked boy's Keyblade slashed through his brother and sister. Etrius' cranium screamed in pain and reeled. This was not happening. This couldn't be.
    A tear fell down Etrius' cheek, followed by another spasm of pain came as soon as the blade felled Etrius' mother.
    Draconine, battle-tired and sad, seeing his entire family killed off by one individual, looked up at the tower. Etrius locked eyes with his father, one last knowing reunion. Draconine smiled a sad smile, knowing his boy was alright, just as the blade went through his chest. At the same time, Etrius' mind did a last jolt of agony, then gave way to bitter saddness and anger. Aileen knelt next to Etrius' and hugged him tightly, whispering "I'm sorry." over and over again. After what seemed like an eternity, Etrius stood, Aileen supporting him, and walked the rest of the way in a possessed silence.

    The room was completely empty, just as Aileen had said. Etrius took Aileen's arm off his waist and threw out a hand. A black portal materialized out of nothing. Etrius turned to Aileen, eyes solemn.
    "I need you to do me one last favor." Etrius said quietly.
    "What is it?' was the reply.
    "I want you to guard this place, or whatever is left of it with your life," As Etrius said that command, it sounded like two voices speaking in unison, his eyes momentarily flashing red. His blank black cloak suddenly started showing red and purple streaks. The Parilaz family logo also appeared on his cloak, "I will kill my family's murder, and return to restart my family's name."
    The Armor nodded. "At least you'll have something to look forward to when you return." It replied. Etrius had another vision, this one showing a girl Etrius' age, with storm-grey eyes and short black hair.
    Etrius opened his eyes, and he understood. He turned back to the portal, saying, "Good-bye Aileen."
    As the portal closed, Aileen turned towards the doorway, summoned her Keyblade, and shoved it into the ground in front of her, kneeling in front of it, giving one last reply,
    "Good-bye, and be safe. I shall miss your heart and mind."

    END OF BACKSTORY
     
  2. Jayn

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    ( I think I'll move this to the Writer's Nook. It's not an RP, right? It looks like a story.

    Edit: Moved. Please let me know if there are any problems. c': )
     
  3. Sebax Avatar by Xerona

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    Good story. I liked the little Father and Son chat, but it was all in fact very brief. Do you think next time you can clue us in more about values in Abraxas? Because I get the suggestion theirs are not like most. Also, besides being Etrius's father, who is Draconine? I barely got the hint he is Lord of Abraxas; When I saw that phrase, I had to look back and noticed that Dronine had a servant in attendance. It was then that I caught his title. The way that you used the phrase "Lord of Abaxas" was clever but was also a very vague kenning. Other than that, which was basically negligible, I found the taste of the story very good, and very suggesting of satisfying scenery and good characterization. I look forward to finding out more on Etrius; he's seemed very interesting in the RP.

    Speaking of RP's, don't feel bad about putting this in the wrong spot. I made the mistake once, and people then told me they had made the same mistake. i.e. Putting a story in the Role-Play Section.

    EDIT FOR CHAPTER TWO: Okay, here's where things really take off! I have no real complaints except that one minor common grammar error occurred; "wether", when it should be "whether", but it looks like the h just might not have gone in. Anyhow, I like how original this story is with familiar elements. Your character seems to be closer to Riku than Sora, and not everyone goes the path of Darkness and writes it well. I like how nobody can be entirely right in the affair of what's happening to the Government of Abraxas; are the protestors right? Is Lord Abraxas, now more clearly Draconine, really all that bad? He can't be, because look at how he treats his son. Still, one can sympathize with the usual human want for more freedom; the protestors didn't really deserve to die, but this makes them excellent martyrs and whatnot. A very big leap of improvement from the last chapter in story-telling. Keep up the good work. :D
     
  4. Sebax Avatar by Xerona

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    Superb dialogue. For Xehanort, I could hear Nimoy's rasp and the meter of speech was about right in some places, and spot on in others. Originally, I was a little set off by Draconine and Dementia and Etrius knowing of other worlds, and the odd nature of the Heartless armor, but you covered your tracks quite nicely. You made the Keyblading Heartless unusual to the characters perception and not only that, the family knows Xehanort seemingly as an old friend, explaining their knowledge outside of their homeworld. Good coverage, Etrius is really aging well. You might want to focus just a little more on him in posts to come though, even though we do have a pretty good taste of how Etrius acts. This story keeps getting better and better, especially now more Kingdom Hearts elements have shown up.
     
  5. Sebax Avatar by Xerona

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    633
    515
    Now things are really starting to run! An epic glance of Etrius's turmoil as his life starts to implode. Draconine is really your most vocal and audible character, and I will probably remember him long after this is finished; he's that cool. I'm sensing things are drawing to a close here, but I may be wrong. I am looking forward to where the story will continue, either into its direct conclusion or another chapter full of memorable moments for Etrius. You painted the scene with the Heartless very well, I have to say.
     
  6. Light-Rune Maven Seer

    Joined:
    Jan 8, 2012
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    The Aetherial Sea
    388
    573
    This is pretty good mindstorm. It was short, but I liked the way it ended. This definitely developed his character quite a bit! There were some gaps, I thought they were headed for the tower and realized they were already there. Of course that could have just been me. Anyway, It clears things up a bit, at the very least.