feeling pretty scummy

Discussion in 'Help with Life' started by . : tale_wind, May 10, 2014.

  1. . : tale_wind Ice to see you!

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    which shouldn't happen when I'm hanging out with friends, but here I am.

    So there's this friend I have that I haven't hung out with much (we'll call him A); we kinda grew apart after elementary school, but were still friends, but pretty much any time we were together was because of another friend in our neighborhood. I was at this second friend's house with another friend when A also came over. We don't hang out much, like I said, but A and I get along really well; we sort of click, I guess. The problem is that I'm crushing on him. And since it's FINALLY Not Winter and was like 70 degrees out, he was wearing a tank top. And he's buff. And the entire time we were hanging out (with the other friends), my eyes were sliding all over him any time I looked over to him. At the same time that we were all playing Yu-Gi-Oh! and joking around and stuff, in the back of my mind I kept thinking about how much I wanted...ugh, I can't even type it. How pathetic am I? I know 100% that A's straight anyway, so it couldn't even work if I wanted it to. And then there's the fact that this isn't the only friend this happens with; there's one other friend from church, and another sort-of-friend from choir, and I'm so sick of feeling so scummy.

    but then, i feel scummy a lot of the time, so this isn't really new.

    just ignore this. I just needed to vent.
     
  2. Misty gimme kiss

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    Venting is fine! I don't mean to interpose on that, so feel free to ignore my reply. But it's perfectly okay and acceptable to have crushes, even on friends, even when you know there's no real chance of reciprocation. It does not sound like this is a heavy thing (mostly basic physical attraction with some infatuation) so I'm sure you'll deal with it / get passed it on your own. It's difficult to be into someone that you know doesn't swing your way but it doesn't make you gross, just human. I consider it really the same as being into someone who just doesn't see you that way. It may not help for much, and it's easier said than done, but don't let yourself feel guilty for liking a straight guy.
     
  3. Amaury Legendary Hero

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    The best thing you could do is just explain it to him and tell him what you were thinking. If he's as good a friend as you say he is, I'm sure it won't give him any ill feelings. Does he know you're gay? And hey, you never know, he may know a gay male that's looking for a relationship.

    Edit: What Misty said as well because we posted at the same time.
     
  4. Plums Wakanda Forever

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    Definitely agreed with Misty. You can ignore this if you want to, but just try and not beat yourself up too much over your feelings. I know this matter is probably pretty complicated for you considering what you've shared in previous Help with Life threads, and to be honest I don't think I really know the right words to say to help. Attraction is really strange and we find it in a lot of places -- some expected and others not so much. Just because you are attracted to someone doesn't mean you should feel guilty -- these things are natural for a lot of people, and is something you're definitely capable of handling. Try not to beat yourself up over it and just ride it out; it'll pass soon enough.

    He doesn't really sound like he's interested in trying to start a relationship with A so much as he's just attracted, lol. You can be attracted to someone without wanting to get into a relationship with them.
     
  5. . : tale_wind Ice to see you!

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    The incompatible orientation/unrequited part isn't the part that really bugs me; that was more of a side note. It's the way I keep thinking about him that feels like a...betrayal's not the right word, but it feels like something along those lines. I feel like I'm just not explaining any of this right. If I just liked him romantically, I think I'd feel more or less fine, but the sexual part makes me feel like I'm violating some kind of boundary.

    Nonono_cat.gif

    Trying to think of how to describe this... I'm not 100% out yet. Probably not even 50%. I'm out to a small handful of people I know, plus a couple of closed groups on Facebook, and here (where, blessedly, nobody from my non-KHV life is).
    I can imagine how well this would go over: "Hey, A, I'm actually gay and I kinda like you. Also I want to bone you until I'm too tired to move. Now I equip Fairy Meteor Crush to Field-Commander Rahz and attack your Set monster, okay?"

    I'm not really looking for a relationship right now, or even maybe for the next couple of years. I still have plenty of things to worry about and do that are material for another thread. This would just be a disaster on so many levels.

    I know you're trying to help, so I'm sorry for shooting you down so hard. :/
     
  6. Amaury Legendary Hero

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    In regards to the relationship bit, I think I used the wrong choice of words.

    I wouldn't do it exactly like that, obviously; however, you could just tell him you've had sexual thoughts, but at the same time, it's perfectly all right to leave things out. He doesn't have to know everything.
     
  7. . : tale_wind Ice to see you!

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    ...If you have ever comfortably told a friend that you've had sexual thoughts about them, and if they were comfortable hearing it, then I am extremely surprised and impressed with both of you for being so comfortable with your sexualities and with each other.
     
  8. Amaury Legendary Hero

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    I've unfortunately never been on either end, and while there are definitely a lot of people that would be shocked, there are also a lot of people that would be quite understanding, and those are your true friends.

    For example, if we lived in the same area and knew each other and hung out, if one day we were on the beach and you were admiring my body and later told me about it, I wouldn't be shocked one bit. I'd just let you know that I'm flattered, but I don't swing that way, but if you couldn't help but feel like that around me, I'd completely understand and wouldn't mind. As long long as you don't start coming on to me, then we're fine, because there's a difference between just feeling and forcing your feelings. :)
     
  9. Fork These violent delights have violent ends

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    I'll just say this, having sexual thoughts towards someone isn't a bad thing. Most people have sexual urges and it's very natural, it just means you find them physically attractive. Sure, it makes things a bit complicated that he's straight and well, you're not, but like Misty said it's basically like someone not sharing the same feelings as you do.
    Having wild fantasies about both of you being naked on a white horse, traveling through a forest and then stopping at a waterfall to settle down and...Wait, does no one else have those kind of fantasies? Uh yeah neither do I >_>
    But no seriously, it's fine. It's what you decide to do with said sexual urges that matter. Do you talk about it? Do you share your feelings towards said person? It's never easy. Most people obviously don't take it too well, so you probably shouldn't do that. But you shouldn't feel ashamed at all about having them. It just means you have a strong physical attraction towards someone and that's about it, really.

    And hey, like the others said, venting is fine. It's much more healthy than keeping it bottled up so don't you worry about doing that.
     
  10. Misty gimme kiss

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    Oh I hear you! Okay then. I've not been in identical situations because lol repressed sexuality but I've definitely had sort of... fantasies? about passing crushes on people I've known and I totally understand what you're saying there, that you feel kinda guilty about doing it to them. Really I think the best thing anyone can say to you is that people do this quite often, especially introverts I find (but of course extroverts too), they imagine scenarios with people that may even be quite common or not fantastical at all. There's nothing wrong with it, really I think just a human tendency, even if it is sexual (though that does make it a bit more grave).

    Obviously mentioning it to these guys is not an option, I agree that in any social situation that's not really applicable when it's more sexual than romantic. So really I think that's the most we can really say, that this is a natural thing a lot of people do. As long as it's not like... excessive, don't get too down on yourself.
     
  11. Scarred Nobody Where is the justice?

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    Dude,I would say that it's perfectly natural. They're just fantasies, and you need to remember that you're also fairly young still. Hormones are a big player in this, and they can drive you crazy. And I know where you're coming from. There have been a lot of times where I'm with a girl whose a friend and then I get a sudden flash in my head of us getting close, kissing, and other stuff that I don't feel I should mention. And, sometimes I would feel weird about it; like, do I see this person really as a friend or as am I hanging with them to be a potential girlfriend. It's just how the body works, and you can't really fight that.

    No, you're not scummy for thinking about that stuff though. It's perfectly natural, and I'm sure it's happened to everyone before.
     
  12. Peace and War Bianca, you minx!

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    You don't choose who you fall in love with. It's not an on/off sort of feeling that is easy to repress or forget. It's powerful. Even if this is just a lust feeling, that too can be powerful. It's nothing to feel ashamed of, you're going through what anyone would. I've been there, it's not nice to have that boundary around a friend. Best advice would be to either just admit it to him or just act like normal. The feeling will fade, most likely, but it will be nicer if you can talk about it. Less emotional baggage, believe me.
     
  13. Ienzo ((̲̅ ̲̅(̲̅C̲̅r̲̅a̲̅y̲̅o̲̅l̲̲̅̅a̲̅( ̲̅̅((>

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    I have been there, sort of. It was what I mentioned in your other thread, I was really close to one of the girls, we were really close friends and it felt like I was sort of invading her privacy almost. What I did afte I couldn't hold it any longer was I told her, I told her I was having these feelings but I removed the part about these feelings being toward her (I am sure she guessed it though) and it did really help me alot. She taught me the best way to get over it was to focus my sexual energy on something else, every time a thought of her came into my head I should stop it and think about something else.

    There is no reason to beat yourself up but I understand your thought process, I really hope everything works out Tale as you are a lovely guy and I really hope that if you do open up to your friends or even just come out to them then they will accept you.
     
  14. . : tale_wind Ice to see you!

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    Thank you all for your comments; they helped me feel a little better about myself. c:

    I was thinking about this whole thing a little more the other day, and I finally managed to pinpoint another particular thing about it that really bugged me: Not just for A, but for the few other people I mentioned briefly in the OP, I can't tell where my friendship for each person ends, where the romantic attraction begins or ends, or where the lust begins or ends. So I really have no idea how much of the romantic crushing is actually just friendship, or how much of whatever romantic crushing there is is actually just lust. So there is that that still bothers me. :/