"Her"

Discussion in 'Archives' started by Chevalier, Sep 25, 2008.

  1. Chevalier Crystal Princess

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    a poem, i did , not very good, but hey, im working on bettering myself.
    good CnC please , i need it



    "Her"

    Dusk comes at her embrace
    so there will be no time to regret

    Racing thoughts may tempt you
    but don't give into her dilections

    cold fingers touch you slowly
    Every touch making you feel so lowly.

    Don't give into her soft kiss
    beware the despair it brings

    breaking away forth
    from her sweet embrace


    Dawn will break
    without her touch
    and today you live

    to breathe again
    another day
    .
     
  2. Deathsight44 Kingdom Keeper

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    That is a dam good poem. Godda say man, that sorta speaks to meh right now.....
     
  3. Chevalier Crystal Princess

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    well, thanks .

    im glad you liked it.
     
  4. Catch the Rain As the world falls down ♥

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    Ok, I actually liked this; it had a good atmosphere about it. I liked the pace of it; I don’t know if it was intended but it created like a racing feel? I imagine that is how the person in the poem felt but I don’t know.

    I really loved the lines:

    There were a couple of spelling errors (Tempt and which) but they don’t take anything away from the poem and can be easily fixed.

    I will be honest though, I dislike this line:

    It feels too long and the rhyme feels slightly forced, I would suggest maybe changing it to “Every touch making you feel so lowly†the removal of the second “ever†shortens it enough to fit and takes away the forced feel from the rhyme.

    I also think that this line:

    would be better if it was changed to

    "Which only brings despair"

    However that is a personal choice and I just think it would flow better if the words were re-arranged for that line.

    To wrap it up, I really liked this and if a couple of tiny things are sharpened up it could be even better. You are really improving and I look forward to seeing more from you <3

    I hope this helps D:






     
  5. Chevalier Crystal Princess

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    thanks CTR because i was having a little trouble.

    and fixed some things for better enjoyment.
     
  6. Fellangel Bichael May

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    Not bad. This is a great poem.
     
  7. Maka Albarn It's called love

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    Ooooh.... This is really good. :D Nice rhythm and great job on your poem.
     
  8. Styx That's me inside your head.

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    Powerful piece. I'm impressed by the dusk/dawn imagery you used, and also by the strange mix of tones as it comes off as creepy and re-assuring at the same time.
    You seem very adept in the use of contrasts.

    By the way, what does CnC stand for exactly?
     
  9. Chevalier Crystal Princess

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    well, thanks.

    anyways CnC , but you can call it critique.

    to tell the truth i dont really know.

    but its critique.

    when you ask for CnC youre asking for critique.