I love you

Discussion in 'Departure Hall' started by Lauriam, Jul 27, 2018.

  1. Lauriam I hope I didn't keep you waiting...

    Jun 4, 2009
    Nonbinary she/he/it?
    It hasn’t even been a full year…

    I know this must come as a shock to you guys. Only yesterday I was still acting like everything was fine. But I’m sorry to say, it’s not. It hasn’t been for awhile now, and I was trying to keep going, trying to stick it out, for my fellow staff members and for all of you guys. But I honestly can’t do this anymore.

    I have no “medium” switch. Everything I do, I give it my all, 100% of the time. Since I joined the staff, 100% of me has belonged to this site. And I don’t regret a day of it. But I’ve been running on empty for a long time, and this particular TWEWY event has been killing me. Since I have no “medium” setting, I dove into this project headfirst. I was trying to do too much, I made it too big. By the time I realized just how much work it needed, by the time I realized I’d made a terrible mistake, it was too late to turn back. I tried to just muscle through it, I convinced myself I could get it done if I just worked hard enough and had enough Red Bull.

    But I’m sorry. It just can’t happen. It’s too big, and I should never have undertaken such a huge project in the first place.

    I’m devastated that all the work I and others have done for it was for nothing… But I’ve barely slept or eaten in the past two weeks trying to make it happen, and even then I’m not able to do nearly as much for the event as I wanted to. I’ve been killing myself trying to make it happen, and Heart’s been killing herself trying to help me.

    In addition to Heart, I want to specifically thank Explode, Arch, Aelin, and Libre. They tried to help us wherever they could, they tried to take on other work so we could focus on this, they helped with graphics and pins and technical work on the event, but with so much work to be done and so little time in which to do it, the project simply fell through and there’s nothing I can do to save it at this point.

    I feel horrible to have got your hopes up for nothing, so I’m gonna leave links at the end of this post and in the initial announcement thread, containing all the Wallpapers I’d made that I intended to give away as “Entry Fee” prizes. I’m sorry I couldn’t do more…

    But you might be wondering why this event is accompanied by my early retirement. Well… Remember that “All-in, 100%” stuff? I’ve been giving my everything to this site since I joined, doing every little thing that was asked of me in an attempt to bring life back to this site. I love this site, I truly do, it’s been a home for me since I joined in 2009, and I’ve made many friends here who I love dearly. When I joined staff last September, it was right around the same time as the, uh, we’ll say “Discord fights,” and also the same time Cat and Plums retired. I joined in an attempt to help the site and do my part to give it the love and attention I felt it deserved. Many of the members, both on and off the staff, were greatly affected by the fights, and I wanted to help them, protect them, and serve them. And I believed that if I worked hard enough, if I believed enough, I could do it. But some things never change, and no matter what I did or what I tried to do, it was never good enough to bring about the good I was trying so hard to create. And only about half of the current staff team was willing to try with me. And I don’t blame any of them - I truly don’t. After everything that happened last year, after everything that’s been going on since even before it all went down, I don’t blame anyone for giving up. I really don’t.

    But since so many have given up, it left the rest of us trying to pick up the pieces. And again, I thought if I worked hard enough, it would inspire others to rise up with me and help. But it’s been ten months now since I became staff, and the harder I try, the more work I try to do for this site… The harder it is on the half of us who are already working. It’s got to the point where whenever I try to do something new for the site, it drives us all into a deeper chasm, and it’s killing us little by little. In other words, the more I do, the worse it gets, and I simply can’t take it anymore.

    Like I said, I truly don’t blame anyone on the staff for this. It’s the situation that’s the enemy, not them. Due to horrible circumstances and a series of terrible events, the staff team has been suffering, and I tried to help them. I really did. But I’m not cut out for this, and the TWEWY event made that all too clear.

    Again, I just want to say I’m sorry. I tried so hard, I wanted to bring about the “Golden Age” of KHV, I wanted us to be big. But I’m just not good enough to make that happen, and I’m sorry.

    I’ll probably be back to hang around after awhile, but I need some time to recuperate from all this. If anyone wants to stay in touch, you can DM me on Discord. I love all of you, I love you all so much and I’m so sorry I couldn’t do more.

    TWEWY Wallpapers
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2018
  2. Heart ❤ Enjoy every moment with all ya got

    Mar 2, 2009
    When I first joined staff, the shit with Blaine had just gone down and I wanted to help out the site I’d grown up on. I’d just graduated from high school and I figured I’d use my talents I’d learned running the school paper to help out KHV. So I applied for Reporter. I figured it couldn’t be easy only having one Reporter. So I became staff that summer and made a bunch of friends along the way. I grew closer to people I known growing up on KHV, like Cat and Plums, and friends with those I hadn’t known too well. Roxam and I became partners and it felt nice to have someone’s back and vise versa.

    As staff, I’ve seen various staff members come and go. Of those who were hired at the same time as me, none of them remain as such. So it’s been almost a blessing I have stayed as long as I have. KHV has stood the test of time… but has it? KHV is nowhere near as active as it used to be, even two years, let’s not kid ourselves. And I feel like that’s why there’s been an air of ‘who the hell cares anymore?” “why should I care?”, especially in staff. I won’t try to deny it, I feel that way and have felt that way for a long time. But I tried my hardest to stick it out, not for myself, but for y’all and for my partners in crime, Rox and Maru.

    A few months ago, I told staff I was retiring. I had a lot (and have more now) going on in my life and taking KHV out of the equation would have made things easier. So I got well wishes from some of staff… and I was never demoted. Because none of our Admins (sans libre) are active. So a few weeks later, summer was in full swing and there was **** that needed to be done. I was supposed to help Maru with the Newscast and TWEWY event. The user awards were coming around. Nomura was teasing us with more KH III news. So against my better judgement, I stayed.

    But enough is enough. There are 12 members of staff currently. And about half of them are active. The air of ‘Why are we still here’ is so thick that I feel it everytime I look in staff chat. Maru has already credited those who are the most active, so I won’t repeat myself, there’s no point. Maru herself has gone above and beyond for this site and for the people on it. Even if you give her credit, you couldn’t give her as much credit as she deserves. She’s is more active, more willing to help, then anyone else on this staff--hell maybe even all of staff (including myself) together. No one, not by a long shot, on the current staff (and maybe even past staffs sans a few people) have put more of themselves into this website than Maru.

    And I’ve put a lot in myself. I truly think I have over the past few years I’ve been staff. But I’ve reached my limit. I can’t do it anymore. Attempting to do the TWEWY event has been causing me physical pain due to the lack of assistance. I’ve stayed up til 4 in the morning various nights trying to do this project. But I and Maru cannot (and will not) continue anymore--or with KHV.

    I have been on KHV since 2009. I have been on KHV for almost ten years and quite honestly it feels like a lifetime because it has been. I’ve been here for almost half my life. I’ve so many people come and go and come and go. Some of those people have gone for good, I never saw them again and to this day I still miss them. Others have left and come back, like myself a handful of times. But there comes a time when enough is enough.

    And I think I’m done. I need to move on and start again. I wish you all wonderful,wonderful lives. I’ll be on Discord so feel free to DM me whenever. I love you guys, stay in touch. <3
  3. Technic☆Kitty Hmm

    Apr 2, 2010
    Indiana, USA

    I don't think I realized exactly how bad off this site has gotten. I realized upon my last resurface that activity was extremely diminished. To see that it has fallen into such a state of disarray as to cause the staff members so much hardship is alarming. You should never do something because you feel like you have to. You should never put yourself in a position you aren't comfortable with. There's a difference between pushing your limits and pushing yourself over the edge. Nobody should have to force themselves to do something, especially when it's volunteer work. There's absolutely no reason for you to apologize, Maru. In fact, I'm pretty sure you're the only reason I saw any light remaining on KHV. Any conversation that was going on, you were there. I may not have been around for a long time but even I can see how much effort you put into your position and this site in general. It should be clear to everyone that you put your all into it. It's for that reason that I don't believe you've failed KHV. If anything, I'd say that KHV failed you. Everyone has a battery and this site drained too much of yours.

    I say this to you and every other staff member, of this or any other website; there is no amount of content worth your own well being. I can understand wanting to see KHV as active as it was in the olden days. Sometimes you just have to accept that times change, and with it the people. Maybe KH3 will create a resurgence of interest in the series. Maybe the site will be flooded with new members ready to fill the boards with content. Or maybe this is just the end of an era. That's not a bad thing. Everything has an ending. The curtain is always set to fall. That doesn't take away from everything that happened on stage, does it? The memories we make with friends both new and old. The stories we've created. The hardships that were faced. Those won't disappear. They'll remain with us for the rest of our lives. This? This is just a website. A bunch of code and images. There's nothing special about it. The community is what makes it so great, always has. It's kind of like living in a small town. People come and go. The friendships we make with each other remain.

    Please don't be disheartened. The fact that this is causing you so much turmoil is enough to show how much you care. I'm not saying that it's pointless to try and save something you care so much for. It's just not worth it if it becomes a burden heavier than you can shoulder. I've had many philosophies over the years. Several bad ones got me through my high school years. The one I live by now is this: I will only do what I am comfortable with doing. That doesn't mean I'm never going to try and reach for something better, just that I will only do what I want to do. It took a while to completely comprehend but it finally hit me. I'm an adult. I can buy bags of candy and eat them all in a day if I want. I can drive across the country to pick apples if I felt like it. So why would I do anything that I didn't want to do? Obligation? Ha. The only obligation you have in this world is to yourself. To make yourself happy. To live a happy life. To live a life that you want to live.

    So, to Maru and Heart and anyone else, never regret the choices you make. Never put yourself in an uncomfortable situation. Never do something out of obligation. Live your life. Be happy. Whatever that may mean to you. Nobody else knows what makes you happy. That's up to you.

    I'll finish with this:

    One: You must never reveal any sensitive information about KHV to outsiders for as long as you live.

    Two: You must never use the contacts you made through the site to achieve personal gain.

    Three: Though our paths may differ, you must always live your life with all your might. You must never consider your own life to be insignificant. Never forget the friends you held dear.

    I say farewell in the hopes your journeys bring you the happiness you deserve. Surround yourselves with the people and things you love. Always stay true to yourself.