[To be honest, this is the first thing I've written for months. The chances of this continuing is low. I was just in the mood to write and then this came along. This is the first time I've written something in "second person". I put that in quotations because to me, it sounds more like an Eulogy. I liked the way it turned out, really. I'm also putting this in spoiler tags because it might be a bit more detailed and maybe mature compared to other stuff I've written, such as the beginning of this. I would still really like feedback though. Enjoy~] "Did you fall for a shooting star, one without a permanent scar?" Spoiler My heart was racing. I didn’t know how I had even gotten into such a horrible mess. I was walking home from school and when I turned a corner, I was suddenly surrounded by a group of thugs. “Where do you think you’re going?” A raspy voice called out the moment I had tried running away. My hair was pulled and I fell to the ground. The moment my delicate body hit the ground, I yelped loudly and my eyes were tightly shut. My eyelids quickly shot up when I felt someone grab both my arms and pin me down. I felt tears roll down my eyes as I struggled as hard as I could to break free. When I looked in front of me, I saw one of the thugs standing in front of me with a wide, devilish grin on his lips. “I wonder what a pretty girl like you is doing around this area,” he said, chuckling right afterward. “Did your mommy never tell you to come around here?” I had no Mommy. That simple word had never escaped from my mouth; along with the word Daddy. “Come on!” A different thug shouted, patting the back of his hand on the other’s arm. “Hurry up! Anyone can show up any minute.” “Shut up! I like taking my time with girls that are this pretty.” His voice was so raspy, but his laugh was even worse. The whole time I was struggling, but the one that had my arms pinned suddenly pulled out a knife and pressed it against my throat. A helpless whimper immediately came from me. “Scream, and I’ll slit your throat,” he hissed. During this whole time, I never thought I’d end up meeting, or falling in love, with a “thug.” Except, the one I had met was different. He didn’t go around raping and killing innocent high school girls. I was the first one he actually saved. I felt rough hands touch my legs and soon felt lips on them; slowly, they moved up my legs until the thug had reached my skirt. I was holding back the urge to scream; to just call out for help, but I’d only end up losing my life either way. The knife was sharp. I was trying so hard to not move. Before the thug could rip off my black skirt, I heard the sound of a body just collapse right beside us. I slowly turned my head, as did everyone else, to see one of the thugs on the floor with a knife to his head. He was dead. “Hey!” Everyone turned their heads to see you; you looked like you were about my age, standing in front of us with your hands in your pockets. You looked calm, and rather bored due to the expression on your face. You were wearing my school’s uniform, but you wore it less…neatly. Untucked shirt, no tie, jacket was unbuttoned, shirt wasn’t buttoned all the way to your neck, and your brown hair was rather messy. “Who the hell are you?!” I noticed your eyes look at me before looking back at the one that was about ready to rape me. “Who is she?” you asked. Calm. “I asked you who you are!” The one with the raspy voice nodded his head, which had immediately caused the other thugs to get away from me and surround you. “Are you going to answer me or not?!” You sighed. You didn’t seem to care that there were actually guns and knives being pointed at you, and that was something that had really caught my attention about you. You actually ignored those thugs as though they were nothing but air surrounding you. I was nervous and scared. I wasn’t too sure if you would even be able to take on five thugs at once. You took a step forward and I felt every muscle in my body just tense up. There was a thug standing right in front of you with a pistol pointing at your chest. I’m not too sure what happened, but the thug’s legs had suddenly gone limp and all the others were ready to pull the trigger or stab you. The lifeless body fell to the ground before another body fell. BANG. Another. BANG. BANG. The last two. The only one remaining was the one with the raspy voice. I noticed his body was trembling just by what he had just witnessed. You had taken on five thugs and killed them all without any problem. I was beginning to wonder if you were even human. The spots of blood that was on your shirt weren’t even yours. However, when you were closer, I noticed a small cut on your side. I was in shock so I don’t even remember when you took down the last remaining thug. I just remember hearing your footsteps come beside me. I slowly turned my head, seeing you crouching down and pulling out the knife from the first thug’s head. “Are you alright?” You had this demeanor that could easily frighten a child. However, your voice was rather calming. It had actually relaxed my body. “Hey, are you okay?” Hearing you speak out to me once more finally caught my attention completely. When I looked at you, you were staring straight at me. The expression on your face seemed like you were angry, but when I looked at your eyes, I saw worriment. “I-I’m fine,” I stammered, looking away as I tucked a few strands of hair behind my ear. “Thank you…for saving me.” “Don’t worry about it.” You rose to your feet, wiping off the blood from the knife before putting it away in your pocket. You momentarily looked towards my direction, before looking away and beginning to walk away. “Wait!” I shouted as I stood up. You came to a halt and turned your head to look over your shoulder at me. “What’s your name?” “It’s…” _________ I remember the first time you and I tried getting along. You would always ask me why I was around you, and I would always say I didn’t know. To be honest, I didn’t. It was unexplainable, but I had this compulsion to be around you. I know you felt it too, but wouldn’t say anything about it. You were my hero. I would always say this to you, but it would upset you for some reason. I never truly understood why. I just so badly wanted you to know it. “I’m no hero,” you said to me. “I may have saved you from getting raped, but I’m not a hero.” “Why not?!” I whined. You scoffed as you shifted in your seat, lowering your head to look down at the pavement. “Because if I was a hero, don’t you think I’d go around saving every girl that’s about to get raped, and go around preventing crime?” “Then why did you save me of all the other people?” I asked, giggling when I saw you raise your eyebrow at me. “There has to be a reason why. Maybe…because you wanted me to yourself?!” “Huh?!” I loved teasing you. The reactions you would get and the comebacks you would make made me laugh. And knowing you would laugh or smile right afterward made me even more happy. I loved being around you. _________ I never understood why you always hated seeing me cry. It was natural, wasn’t it? To shed a tear or two if you were mad or sad. The first time you had come by my house was unexpected. I wasn’t even ready to tell you about my lifestyle. I was afraid you’d say something about it, but you actually ended up saving me. “Who’s at the door?!” A male’s voice shouted from the inside of my house. “No one!” I answered back. “Just a friend.” I was scared. You stood just outside of my front door, your eyes staring straight into mine. I knew you wanted an answer as to how I lived, but I was so afraid of telling you. “Is that your dad?” you asked me, your eyes momentarily looking into my house before looking back at me. “Um…” Before I could say anything else, I felt my hair be pulled, forcing me to get away from the door. “You say nobody and yet there’s someone here!” My father hissed. He stood at the doorway and looked at you, growling lowly to know a boy had come to see his only daughter. “Who are you?” he asked. “I’m a friend of Layla’s. Can I speak to her?” “Hell no you can’t!” I felt like bursting into tears. I didn’t know what to do, and if I intervened, I knew my father would only end up smacking me around after you left. I knew you were able to see me from where you were standing so I started shaking my head and mouthing, “Leave!” and “Please!” He was drunk, and before you arrived, he was on his way to getting high. Knowing someone knocked on the door and interrupted him, he was angry. Extremely angry and he was ready to release that anger onto me. I don’t know what happened, I think my mind just blanked out for a moment because I felt the warmth of your body close to mine. I looked over your shoulder and saw my dad just sprawled on the floor, attempting to get back up. “It’ll be alright,” you murmured to me, wrapping your arms around me. Your voice again. The tone in your voice was calming, but sadly, I started sobbing. I grasped your leather jacket in my hands, pressing my forehead against your chest. I could hear my father muttering a few words as he stood up, and when he was finally on his feet, you simply took my hand and ran out, pulling me with you. I didn’t think that same night I’d end up finding out we practically lived the same way. Except, you had decided to end it sooner, while I was still dealing with abuse, until you came, that is. _________ To be honest, I know I never told you this, but I kept a journal where I would write every moment I had with you, whether it was good or bad. Whenever I missed you or I didn’t see you, I would look back and read through everything I wrote just to smile. After you left, that’s all I really did. I would cry and cry for hours knowing you and I could have been something, but we were torn apart. I would never see you again. The moment I loved though, the moment I would never forget, was the first time we made love. How you just suddenly stared quietly at me before telling me, “I love you.” and kissing me. That night was so special to me. I fell asleep in your arms and woke up still in them. I remember blushing uncontrollably when you asked me about that night though. I just hated that several days after that moment, we ended up fighting. You would repeatedly tell me if you died, no one would remember you. I don’t even remember how it started, but we were mad at each other for a while. By the time either of us decided to say we were sorry, it was already too late. I felt so much guilt that it led to that. It felt as though I had caused it somehow. You were laying on your stomach, not even moving. Your eyes were open and your whole chin was covered in your blood that was coming from your mouth. You had told me to stay hidden, but maybe if I hadn’t hid behind a wall, I could have prevented any of it. The thugs were gone and we were alone. It was late at night so nobody was around to help you. I was too much in shock, plus, I had no phone to call the police. I didn’t want to go off running and leave you alone to die. I wanted to be by your side. As I walked closer to you, I could hear you grunting from the bullet wound. When I was standing right above you, tears started streaming down from my eyes as I dropped to my knees. I leaned forward, placing my hands against the pavement as I stared down at you. “Don’t…cry,” you said to me. “Don’t leave me…” I muttered, trying force myself to stop crying. “I’m not…going anywhere…” “You’re dying.” Dying. I hated that word. I could hear you trying to bring yourself to laugh, but all I saw was a faint smile crossed on your lips. The smile only made me cry harder to the point I couldn’t talk. “I love you…Layla…” The day we fought, you told me you’ve never felt someone love you or felt like you loved someone else. So you told me there would be nobody that would know you even left this world. And on the day you took me away from my father’s house, you told me you hated your life and that you hated your own father with every fiber of your being. You lost your mother when you were five and that’s when the abuse started. I lost my mother because of childbirth and the abuse for me started when I was four. You even told me that your father wouldn’t even call you by your name so that’s when you felt like nobody would remember you. You were wrong. I remember your name. _________ [Male Perspective] "Did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded, and that heaven is overrated?" Spoiler I was always confused as to what caused people to be attracted to one another. Or to what caused someone to save another. I never really understood it. Maybe it was because I never felt the feeling of love. I never felt myself love someone and for them to love me in return. Maybe it was just because I grew up with hate in my heart. Who knows. The moment I heard a yelp on my way home from school, something happened inside me. I was never sure what it was, but I felt curious. My eyes narrowed as I slowly made my way towards where I had heard the yelp come from. The more I got closer, the more I was able to hear voices. I suddenly felt angry when I heard a whimper. In a large alleyway, I was able to make out a group of thugs, each of them smirking at you who laid on the ground helplessly. I shifted my hands in my pockets before slowly pulling them out, one hand holding a pocket knife. My gaze shifted towards a thug that stood off to the side; he wasn't in the middle of everything and he had quickly noticed me. I watched as he open his mouth to speak, but I threw my pocket knife at his head, watching his body collapse to the ground as soon as the blade made contact. I calmly shoved my hands back into my pockets, turning my attention towards the rest of the thugs. "Hey!" Everyone turned their attention towards me, giving me a chance to look at you. I felt sorry for you. I always wondered how someone like you got into a mess like this. If I hadn't shown up, I'm pretty sure you would have been raped and left for dead. "Who the hell are you?!" "Who is she?" "I asked you who you are!" I sighed lowly as I saw the group's leader motion for his group to surround me. I looked at the thug that stood in front of me. He had a pistol in his hand and he was ready to pull the trigger. I took a step forward and grabbed the gun, quickly pointing it up to his mouth and fired. A different thug tried attacking me but I quickly grabbed the knife he was holding and slit his throat. Quickly, each of the thugs fell to the ground, blood escaping from each of their bodies. I looked towards your direction, quickly noticing fear in you. You were trembling and I'm sure if you weren't so afraid, you would have ran off when you had the chance. I quietly walked over towards the first thug I had killed and pulled my pocket knife at his head, feeling a slight sting on my side. I winced lowly as I cleaned the knife and shoved it back in my pocket, turning my attention towards you. "Are you alright?" You just stared at me, which confused me a bit. I didn't think you'd be that afraid. Then again, you had witnessed a group of thugs get killed by one guy. "Hey, are you okay?" I saw you jump slightly as you snapped out of it. You hesitated to answer me and lowered her eyes. "I-I'm fine. Thank you...for saving me." I sighed lowly, relieved you were remotely okay. "Don't worry about it." I slowly rose to my feet and felt the sting even more now. I tried not to show I was in pain, and began walking away, shoving my hands into my pockets. "Wait!" I groaned lowly as I heard you call out towards me. I slowly turned my head to look over my shoulder. "What's your name?" I perked an eyebrow and turned a bit, surprised you had even asked that. "It's..." _________ It confused me as to how you constantly wanted to stay by my side. I wasn't a good influence on you and I thought myself more as a danger to be with you. But for some reason, regardless of how angry I might have showed myself to you, I felt happy to have you around. "We should do something together!" you said to me. "You barely know me. So no." You huffed out as I looked at you, watching you pout. I felt the urge to laugh, but I held it in. To hide the smile that wanted to form, I turned away and covered my mouth, rubbing my chin lightly. "Come on! It'll be fun!" The whining somehow always got to me. I don't know why it always got to me and made me want to do everything for you. To give you everything to see you smile and laugh. That smile and laugh made my knees weak. _________ The more we got closer, the more I cared about you. The more I fell in love with you. The more I wanted to be with you. I felt the compulsion to constantly be around you. If I was away from you, I felt guilty and lost. I don't know if it was just because I was being clingy. I didn't really know, it confused me terribly. I just didn't want to see you cry anymore. "You're going to stay with me," I quietly said as we sat on a street bench. My hands were clenched into fists in the pockets of my jacket. I stared down at the pavement as I listened to your whimpers, not sure what words would comfort you. I momentarily looked at you and shifted where I sat before looking away and sitting up straight. "I'm sorry," I muttered, scooting a little closer towards you as I wrapped my arms around you, holding you tightly. "I'll take care of you, Layla." _________ I know I hurt you. I know I broke your heart beyond belief. I really loved you and those thugs got the best of me. Hearing how they were going to have their fun with you after they took care of me just because I killed one of their own. The bullet wound stung worse than the knife I had gotten when I saved you. I wanted to move, but every moment I made hurt like hell. I grunted loudly as I tried pushing my body up, feeling blood just pour out of the wound. I could hear your footsteps rushing towards my direction as I laid still. Your sobs continually rang in my ears, as much as I tried avoiding it. "It'll be alright..." I grunted. I felt your hands run through my hair then down to where the wound was. Your gentle touch was painful, as much as I wished for it to ease my pain. "I love you...Layla..." I knew it was dangerous for you to be around me. As much as I told myself I could be with you and keep you happy, I doubted myself in the back of my mind. But the amount of love I felt for you prevented me from seeing how wrong I was for you. In the end, I think my love killed me. You gave me everything though. You became the love of my life and as much as I tried avoiding it, I wanted to be with you forever. You were the light in my life.
I'm impressed. I thought it was great. Rather different than what you normally write. 8D Dark, bittersweet, it makes for a perfect one-shot. Or is it all one word without the hyphen? Oneshot? Hm. Anyways, there really isn't much to say here. I was rather touched by the story.
I said I'd read your story one day. Even though this isn't the one you told me to >> The beginning paragraph made it sort of hard for me to understand which character I was supposed to be (since first and second person force the readers to project themselves onto the character), but I got that I was supposed to follow the guy shortly after. But I wanted to be pretty :c There was also a grammar issue here: This seemed more like a run on sentence, so splitting it into two after "to see you" would be good. But overall it was really good (admittedly, I sniffled when he died >>). And I think you should continue to write more. :3
To know that I was actually able to write something that touched you is surprising. XD But I'm really happy you liked it. It'll stay as a one shot story since I pretty much explained their lives together. Thank you again. 8D GO READ THE OTHER ONE. D8< That little sentence did kind of bother me. I think I'm just missing like a comma since if I split it up into two different sentences, it might not make a lot of sense. But thank you either way. 8D
Wtf. I didn't think that would make me as semi-emotional as it did. I seriously didn't. I was just going to read, comment and go about my day but it actually made me sad. >> I like this~ I think you do well with first person, it allows for more casual informal conversation, which in term makes it a bit more personal that a third person story. There was one sentence that was worded oddly to me, but I lost sight of it. It, of course, leaves for questions such as what happened and, and how he took on five thugs with no problem and how it was her fault. But I'm assuming those are plot holes that you wanted there? For a one shot, it was pretty good. I hope he popped back up at the end and didn't actually die, though, and you just decided to not post the "LOL JK" part. Yeah...Yeah...Let's go with that.
To be honest, I'm not as fond of the way I did the male perspective of this. I don't like it as much, it's shorter and it feels more depressing than compared to the female perspective. I've thought of this for months, but I finally did it because I was bored and in the mood to write. I'm not expecting people to be in love with it, but I hope it's at least somewhat good to someone. >>
Wow. He's brutal. Then again, he admitted to being a "bad influence". It got better as it went on. ;_; I'm glad that you put a second side to this story and put what he was thinking. I have a guess that I'm sure what his name is. Either way, I loved it. The little backstory was bittersweet to say the least. ;~;
This was amazing... I study Creative Writing at Uni, but... wow. It was touching and I couldn't stop reading. I even got a bit teary eyed... Seriously, you're better than a lot of the people on my course, and even better than me I think lol Well done, I'd love to see more of your stuff if you've got any :P
I didn't think you'd like it. ; ; I told you his name. <<; But thank you, dear. <3 I'm happy you liked it. Thank you so much. I really appreciate that. XD I've got...a lot of stuff but I'm not really fond of my writing style. >> I'm glad you liked it. Wasn't expecting to make a person cry so I'm surprised. XD
Grammar “The more I got closer, the more I was able to hear voices.†Sounded a tad bit awkward; just reducing it to “The closer I got…†should do it. “In a large alleyway, I was able to make out a group of thugs, each of them smirking at you who laid on the ground helplessly.†The verb tense needs to stay more consistent; the way you wrote it, you had the guards doing something in the present to the girl. In this case, the girl would also need to be doing something in the present. “Laid†is more so for past events (i.e. “the guards smirked at the girl as she laid on the ground helplesslyâ€). Changing “laid†to “laying†should fix this. “I watched as he open his mouth to speak…†Opened. “But for some reason, regardless of how angry I might have showed myself to you, I felt happy to have you around.†Not too sure how to do this. :/ Maybe something along the lines of “…regardless of how angry I may have appeared to be,…â€? “The more we got closer…†“The closer we got…†______ Comments/Critique “…the more I cared about you. The more I fell in love with you. The more I wanted to be with you.†Nice anaphora. :B Overall, I really liked this new addition. It gave a really nice viewpoint of the male character, and put the relationship between him and Layla into more perspective. I do feel as though there should have been some explanation as to why he was God Tier fast, but it does add an air of myster-*shot* Anyway, I hope you do eventually get out of your writer’s block, Aura! Even if you have a few spelling/grammar mistakes, the plot of your writing overweighs the mechanics easily. Post moar. C:
