The ONE girl that likes me back. The ONE girl that liked me for who I was. The ONE girl that I enthusiastically adored tons and didn't care what I looked like and loved me for my personality. The ONE girl that I actually had a REALLY great relationship with. And I F***ING screw up. AGAIN. I broke her trust. Overstepped my boundaries. And guess what? I end up destroying my happiness with the exact same reason that none of my other previous relationships worked. My ego. My usually depressed-but-overly-inflated-if-not-kept-in-check ego. Seriously. This when I usually want to knock the crap out of me. I'm not exactly depressed. I'm more extremely angry with myself. For breaking her trust. For making her scared of me. For not wanting to talk to me. And the most frustrating part is that I'm usually the person she can talk to whenever she's got a problem. Or feeling down. Or had a stressful day. Or to be the only guy that likes her true self because everyone else in her real life doesn't like her bottled-up personality. And you know something? I'm just fed up with this crap. I finally had a light shining through my darkness. I was getting my hopes up that we could actually pull this off. I was starting to see the future becoming bright and positive. But no. My dark self, the "Evil DF" inside of me finally overpowered my judgment. I was so focused on trying to keep her happy that I didn't realize that I was letting my suppressed, immoral self creep its way into my mind. And then I did the one thing that I swore I would never do. I let my guard down and ended up scaring her and breaking her trust. I'm not sure what to do with myself. My one big chance and I screw up. I've apologized. I've promised never to do it again (and we both know how important and serious a promise is). But what's done is done and I can't take it back. Heh. Maybe I'm just destined to be alone. Never to be able to hold onto a budding relationship for more than a few months. I still feel like she's the one. But now she'll always have a glimmer of doubt. And that's not something that I can erase. I don't really know what I'm really asking for. It's a long-distance relationship so we can't actually go and talk to each other face-to-face. So we've never officially met. The age difference is about 8-9 years. She's everything that I've ever dreamed about. And I lost it. I lost her and I can't get her back. Things will never be the same between us. She won't ever fully trust me. I've thought about suicide. But I know that's never the answer. Besides, why should I be upset over something that happens through the net? Because it wasn't just the net. We've actually talked to each other through the phone. Her parents were cool with me. She was cool with me. Seriously, I don't want to take a break from her. I liked being trusted and adored and able to reciprocate the feeling. But I guess there's no point in worrying about it, right? I don't even know why I'm even posting this here. The most likely advice I'm going to get is "Take a break, give her space, she'll forgive you when she's ready." There's also the "So? You lost one girl. So what? Just find another one. And if you can't, then your social skills suck. Quit crying about it and move on." Then there's the "I know how you feel, dude. But if it wasn't meant to be, it wasn't meant to be. She'll probably forget you and move on with her own life. There's no reason to be stuck on her." Oh, and did I mention the whole "You screwed up. You made the same mistake and you knew you were making it. You should see a psychiatrist or something. Because if you know what the mistake was, you should've gotten it fixed years ago." There's also "Why are you in a relationship with her in the first place?! Couldn't you have gotten someone that's more around your age range?" And before anyone suggests it, no. I cannot buy anything for her. At least not yet anyway. So that's it. The girl that I truly hope is the one doesn't want anything to do with me. I can't really do anything else to fix it if she doesn't want to talk to me. I wish that I could just wake up in the morning and hope that it was all a bad dream. But no. I'm not going to fool myself like that. She doesn't trust me. She doesn't like me. I hurt someone that I truly care about. I guess the only reason that I'm really saying any of this is because I'm a writer and I needed to let off some steam. Not the most creative way to do it, but at least I have my initial feelings in text.
****, man. I barely even know you, but... ****. I've been there before. I know you don't want empathy. I didn't either. But... yeah. How far away does she live from you, theres always the 'Face her and like, DEEPLY apologise" act. How EXACTLY did you break her trust? Because if it was really serious, I personally am not sure if she can ever fully, truly trust you again, or for a while, at least. But when she realises you are sincere, and really need her, then she may eventually see that yes, you made a mistake, but that you really do care for her, and want to make it right. Good luck man. Good luck.
Yea, trust can take a while, years even, to rebuild, but the good news is, it CAN be rebuilt. Just keep at it, and go extremely slowly. Don't push.
A) I never want to hear you say that you are destined to be alone. No one should ever wish that upon themselves or onto others. I'll admit that trust is a fine line, especially over the web or long distance, but it's something that has to be worked at, even more if the trust has been broken. If this is something that you can't stand that seems to happen repeatedly, is there any way for you to possibly take to a shrink, attend a meeting, be put under hypnosis by another? I'll admit to the latter that I read about it in a book, but is it possible to suppress something through hypnosis or am I pulling that out of thin air? Do we know how she reacted to this, no. It's possible that there was something else that may have caused this lack of faith, but if you and her are such good friends, then I firmly believe that if you keep at it, and apologize, show her you are truely sorry, then hopefully she will forgive you. From the little we've chatted I can tell that you are a good guy. Good guy's are rare to come by, even if they have a minor hitch. Things have a way of working themselves out dude. I trust you'll figure out how to make this right.
That's what caused the whole thing in the first place. Is because I had a good thing and I was trying to keep it that way so hard that I became impatient. And I forgot myself in a critical moment. :sideways: Dude. Don't mention hypnosis. That's what got me into this whole stupid thing in the flippin' first place. I overstepped my boundaries and that's what led to this. And from my knowledge in the field, I can just say right now that suppressing memories is a big no-no. The only reason you'd want to erase any memories is that if it's traumatizing enough to affect your everyday life in a severe way. And I know EXACTLY how she reacted. I have the 30 minute recording that'll haunt me for the rest of my life until she forgives me. I'm having a hard time not seeing her look of fear and crying in my memory. It was like...like I raped her or something. Which I think technically, I might've been doing without realizing it. To see her in that state, I'm ashamed to have tried the damn thing in the first place. And I know I should have patience, but I really feel like we should talk this out. Not because I'm impatient, but rather the time we have together is limited to begin with. And I don't want to spend the rest of the semester asking for her forgiveness when we could just be having fun.
Time fixes and re-envisions all. The older you get the more you'll laugh at this and many more things like it to come.
Oh...I wasn't implying anything, I was only taking an ambiguous stance since I didn't want to saying anything because I don't know your situation. I'll admit I don't know a thing about hypnosis, so it was just a thought. If she is willing to talk it out, do it, but it depends on how she feels about it, and I hope for both your sakes that this can be fixed...even if it's not immediate.
