Ichor: Blood of the Gods ----- The sound of dreadful thunder cracks through the entire room as golden liquid trickles through the shiny marble floor. Following the golden streams, lies the life-scarring sight of a woman lying down, breathing heavily. Mortemia, the Goddess of Death itself, was on the verge of what she ruled. Her once flowing white dress was stained with golden prints, mostly focused on her chest, her dark hair that bounced with the wind was now limp, and her once conceit-filled red eyes is now filled with one thing she never thought of feeling—fear. "Rubeus..." she muttered under her last breath, what a pathetic waste of leading it towards her very killer! "How dare you!" She struggled to sound threatening towards the merciless murderer, which she miserably failed for her voice was cracking and it sounded weak. A low, evil, cackle filled the silent room, only hearing the breaths of the Goddess herself. It was no other than Rubeus; a red-haired lad with the darkest eyes in existence. "How dare me, indeed.†He sounded sarcastically sympathetic towards the Goddess of Death. Rubeus crouched down besides her, examining her body. "It’s quite hilarious to watch a Goddess lying on the verge of death in front of a mere mortal, yes?" Another cackle erupted in the room. He gripped harder on to the silver blade he has held the entire time, standing up and pointing it menacingly towards her. "I only seek the ichor. My Goddess, I would have asked, but I’ve known better not to, for your pride would reach the heavens. You are a pure conceited fool who deserves to go into purgatory for such sins." He gestured himself up as he raised his blade, on top of her wounded chest, and with one final move, he stabbed the Mortemia right on her chest as she gave a last gasp of breath. "Wait for Judgement Day then." The Goddess of Death was no more. --------- So, what did you think of it? This is kind of like my very first piece of original work. Others are somewhat based on something—this is all mine. It's just a little of 300 words, but I hope I did somehow entertain you or in that sort. I may continue it, but I'm not very sure.
I don't like weak gods. It comes from being very familiar with mythology perhaps, but gods shouldn't be able to die the way humans can. Your average godtouched human hero could chuck mountains in Celtic lore and the gods were still lightyears away and in Greek mythology people gained their strengths directly from the gods and wouldn't succeed at anything without the gods. So I'm a little turned off to this God of War type format where they're treated more like people with super powers, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. It's just something that you should be aware of. Also, 300 words really isn't enough to get much across so I didn't really derive any entertainment value from this since basically nothing was actually exposed. You basically told me two things here: gods are pathetically weak and this evil human has something against them. It's almost a promotional trailer. Though, you proved that you can write better than your average nobody, which is actually more of an accomplishment than most people think. There are a few points where you phrase things awkwardly. For example, you don't really stab someone on their chests so much as into their chests or through their chests or something like that. I encourage you to move further along with this and see where it takes you. You might not get a lot of replies or praise on this site, or any other for that matter, but you will get readers and if I'm in the mood the odd bit of constructive criticism. I also suggest you post some of your other work if you're looking to improve because it gives people more to go on. Either way it's good to see new posters in this section.
Thank you for criticism! This is kind of like a prologue, or something along that line. I intended not to expose too much stuff, because, well, like I said it's kind of like a prologue or a trailer. I might continue it, but school is keeping me busy. Thanks!
