I've had this immense fear of death since I was little. Whenever I saw documentaries about the body or anything anthropology related it would hit from time to time. Not too often though. Although a few months ago when I filled in the form to get my state ID it asked if I wanted to be a donor and that was when it really hit me and has hit me ever since. It only seems like just yesterday I was in kindergarten then in HS and now I'm in my 20's now and before I know it I'll be in my 50's and 80's if I even make it that far. The thought of getting any older has been leaving me with such a profound sadness. It's hard finding joy in even the simplest things like hangout w/ friends, family and my bf. I LOVE Halloween, it is my favorite holiday and I went to a Halloween store today (I thought it would cheer me up) and just seeing the fake skeletons freaked me out and saddened me. (this has never been an issue until now) I don't really sleep anymore at night b/c of the thoughts I get. I find it so hard to sleep when I think things like "what if I close my eyes now and never open them again? I'm just going to rot in the ground. Maybe I should be cremated. That looks painful though... But what will I care, I'll be dead. I'll cease to exist. I'll be nothing but just another memory. Life will still go on like nothing even after I'm long gone." Then I break down and that makes it even harder to sleep. >.< Even reading a simple magazine and seeing the announcements of a death of a celebrity gives me anxiety now. I just saw an article on MSN on how to tell if you've aged gracefully and it had a picture of 2 elderly women and guess who's in panic city right now. I've tried so hard to repress the thoughts and they just keep barging in 24/7. It's all I think about now. I wish I could just disappear, or have never existed. Or that I could be in a cartoon/video game that way I would never have to worry about stuff like that. I'm against suicide and these days I find myself envious of those who have done it b/c they took charge of their lives as horrible as it sounds. I have even seriously considered doing a satanic ritual to become an immortal vampire. (and I'm a religious person) That's how bad it's all gotten. I don't know when is the right time for someone to get professional help, am I at that point?