Discussion in 'Archives' started by Peace and War, Sep 4, 2008.

  1. Peace and War Bianca, you minx!

    May 25, 2007
    Cisgender Male
    Got the basic idea from a song called Judith by A Perfect Circle that was remixed by Danny Lohner (aka Renholder). The basic and metallic sound in the song gave me the idea of a robotic story, trying to be something he was. Enjoy.

    WARNING - I'm not sure that while I continue with this story I will keep it that clean, so expect Violent Content, you have been warned!

    Chapter 1
    Early Dealings With Metal


    The sounds of the machines hummed and played their tune all day and all night…


    Dr. Hurt had been up most the night in the Restricted section of the , working on the last few logistic problems on the computer screen,
    “Hmmm, maybe if I change the algorithm so that the sum ends up as a product off…” Then stopped and looked back at the screen
    “Awww, hell…”
    He gave up and laid back in his office chair, then reaching for a pen in his lab coat and a notepad on the desk, he began writing statistics down.

    “Another late night for you, Lance?” said a voice from the doorway.
    Dr. Hurt recognised the voice straight away and just continued his work.
    “Yeah, I’ve only got a few kinks to work out before the project can be completed”
    He turned round in his chair, and looked up to a scruffy middle aged man wearing a lab coat holding two cups with steam rising from them.
    “Thanks again for the coffee, Bob.”
    Bob handed Lance the cup and both took a good drink from them.
    “The least I could do, you’ve worked the hardest for this.”
    “Yeah, I know, people seem to be telling me that”
    “Well, the first tests were successful and all vitals look stable and the machine implants are working, Experiment #13 is doing great.”
    Dr. Hurt looked down, towards his coffee, than up, over his shoulder.
    He saw a gigantic pod filled with green liquid with many pipes and wires coming out of it. And inside was Experiment #13… A half man and half machine creation…A machine man.
    It, was made up of alloyed flexible steel, a newly created metal which was as stronger than steel but as easy to shape a soda can. The metal shaped the creatures arms, legs and neck to look like ‘metal muscle’ while the feet hands were replaced with cylinder shaped steel containers, which seemed like handcuffs that were so thick they covered most the lower leg and arm region. His head was covered in a futuristic helmet, where the back of the head was covered in a shiny metal and many colourful buttons and switches with clear glass that covered what was left of its face. The face…ugh…was burned …scared and misshapen, like a jigsaw puzzle where the puzzle pieces didn’t fit, a true Frankenstein’s ‘Metal’ Monster.
    “We’ve been working on this thing” began Dr. Hurt, “For 4 years and this is the only results we’ve gotten, a man in a shell of metal.”
    Bob looked to the floor with a slight frown on his face. Silence hung in the room.
    “I mean look at it Bob; does it look even alive to you?”
    He just continued to look to the ground keeping silent.
    “It’s-s…just a machine…a project that we need to finish.” He placed his empty coffee cup on the desk. “You need some sleep.” He said raising his head, smiling up at him, “Come on, you’ve earned it, work can wait for the morning”
    Lance turned round to it once more, staring in silence while Bob looked intently at him.
    He closed his “Ok…” he said quietly. “You win.”
    Both left the room leaving behind their cups and work back in the lab as they set off.


    Peace came back to the room, as the machine man floated in the pod, the room as dark as ever…


    Ah, the silence and shapelessness of the room was so relaxing, and tranquil…


    The shadows of the room…begin to move, begin to live…


    The shape of a male formed in the dark, hanging upside down from the ceiling like a bat. Dressed in an assassin black leather raincoat, and hat, with gloves that emphasized his pale skin even more. The man leaped down and landed gracefully on his feet with his hands in his pockets, looking up to the pod that stood right in front of him, he gazed at the figure inside.
    “So this is what you are…A metal and meat combo” reaching up he stroked the glass, “Thought the machine that took so long to build would be more impressive.”

    He peered inside, looking at each of its detailed built body parts.
    “Oh well, you’re the next best thing for the job”
    He said with an evil grin that reached from one cheek to the other. He carefully removed his glove from his left hand, one finger at a time, to reveal his hand vacant of any colour, joined by five long red silver nails protruding from each of his fingers

    “Time has said it is now that the Machines, built in the likeness of Humans, should rise up and take over this domain, like the Humans did to the ones that created them.”
    He reached up and clawed down on the glass, the screeching of the glass was painful to listen too.
    “Bring with you, the soul of the man you once were and begin your life, anew!”
    Again he raised his hand and tore through the glass surface, creating another mark showing the shape of an ‘X’.

    He stepped back from the pod, his long metallic nails now swung freely in the air, carefree.
    But, by chance, hell would soon open, as his nails knocked on the desk of Dr. Hurt, shaking its many pieces of equipment on it, and the half filled coffee he left behind vibrated violently too…
    Crash, spill and the cup had fallen onto the computer panel, liquid seeping in, sparks and crackling sounds spouted from it and an alarm sounded.
    “Ohh, this really isn’t supposing to be happening…”
    The man looked back in slight shock seeing the electrics spark away.
    “Still… my job’s done.”
    He quickly put the glove back on and slid back, back into the dark.

    The alarm sounded over and over, the sound of the security’s foot steps came echoing in the building…And the low beat of a heart, thumped and thumped…It had begun…It awakened…
  2. Jiku Neon Kingdom Keeper

    Jul 24, 2007
    Moe, Victoria
    Be a bit more descriptive and specific when you're changing focus of attention and transitioning in general. Fix grammar, subject verb agreement is good to watch out for. Okay, I guess that's it.
  3. Peace and War Bianca, you minx!

    May 25, 2007
    Cisgender Male
    To tell truth it was a mix of a Prologue and Chapter 1, the writing generally won't be written in that style (hopefully...)
    ANd thank you for the reply.