"love is weird"

Discussion in 'Archives' started by Sadden Blood Warrior, Aug 30, 2007.

  1. Sadden Blood Warrior Lost in the mind! Help help me god!!!!! Their afte

    Joined:
    Jan 18, 2007
    Location:
    In my own world *shifts eyes*
    77
    ok i like to give thanx to Nymph Of Destiny for giving me the idea its my first fanic hope u enjoy



    Prologue

    "Dang dude wat happened to you" Axel from organization 13 said to Roxas.
    "Don't ask" Roxas said.
    "Dude your a mess" Axel said trying to pick Roxas up.
    "Owwwww" Roxas said when he standed up.
    "So wat happened" Axel said.
    "I don't want to talk about it" Roxas said.
    "Dude seriously your in pain" Axel said.


    "Fine I..I had a fight with Laxerene dude" Roxas said .
    "Harsh dude how did u get hurt?"Axel said.
    "I tried to calm her down bad mistake"Roxas said holding his neck.
    "Ouch well it will be okay by tonight" Axel said.
    "I really don't know Axel she said she didn't wanna talk to me again" Roxas said sitting down.
    "What happened to get her mad" Axel said.
    "She barrowed my cell phone to sent a text message and she saw all my messages from Namine now she thinks I'm cheating on her" Roxas said.


    "Holy your in serious trouble" Axel said.
    "I know but I don't know what to do" Roxas said.
    "You can try explaining to her" Axel suggested.
    "Like she'll listen" Roxas said anoyyed.
    "I'm just trying to help" Axel muttered.
    "Sorry I'm just agurvated" Roxas said.
    "Look I'm going to find Laxerene and talk to her" Roxas said getting up.


    "Okay I'll go see if i have an assignment" Axel said walking away.
    Roxas other none as "the key of destiny" started looking for Laxerene.
    Suddenly he got a text message from Laxerene that says "hey roxy meet me in my room".
    So roxas goes to Laxerne's room opens the door then out of no where Laxerene runs up and hugs him then says"I'm sorry for what happened earlier" smiling sweetly at him.
    Roxas embraced her and says " it's ok" smiling at her.
    "Why'd u think I was cheating on u anyways ur the only one i got feelings for" Roxas said lifting her chin up then kisses her on the cheek.


    Then smiles and sits on her bed.
    Axel walks by Laxerene's room and sees Roxas and Laxerene together then says " looks like you guys are getting along good".
    Roxas and Laxerene look at him and both give him a smile.
    Axel walks away then infront of Axel appears "The Graceful Asslain" Marluxia and he says "looks like they're getting along".
    Axel smiles and says"I'm watching them and it really makes me want to be with Laxerene".


    "You aren't jealious are you?" Marluxia asked with a smirk.
    "No but I'm older than than Roxas so why dont Laxerene like me?" axel said.
    "She don't like you that's why" Marluxia said" I'm going back to Castle .Oblivion see you later".
    "See you later" Axel said.
    Just like that Marluxia went into darkness and he was gone.
    Axel goes into his room and says " stupid Roxas".
    Axel lays down and goes to sleep so he can get Roxas and Laxerene off his mind.


    In Laxerenes room Zexion "The Cloaked Schemer" shows up and looks at the two.
    "What" the 2 of them said.
    "You guys have been close lately" Zexion said suspitionly.
    "Duh Zexion we're going out and right now ur bugging us" Roxas said.
    "Roxas calm down" Laxerne said smiling sweetly at him.
    "ok fine" Roxas said blushing.
    "Laxerene can I talk to u alone" Zexion asked.


    "Sure, be right back Roxy" Laxerne said.
    Zexion waits till they're out of the room and says " Why you like roxas so much?".
    "Because its none of ur concern" Laxerene said.
    "Why don't you like anyone else like that" Zexion said.
    "Because" Laxerene said smiling.
    "Because why" Zexion said".
    "None of ur concern" Laxerene said walking back into her room.


    "Fine" Zexion said having darkness surround him and he was gone.
    "Hey Lexy" Roxas said standing up.
    "Don't need to stand up" Laxerene said smiling then walks over to Roxas pushes him back on the bed and starts kissing him.
     
  2. Rosey Chaser

    Joined:
    Apr 15, 2007
    Gender:
    Female
    227
    I just going to say this now.

    Im not going to read that.

    The grammers is horrible, and the spelling is even worse.

    Get that together, and then Ill think of reading it. ^^
     
  3. Sadden Blood Warrior Lost in the mind! Help help me god!!!!! Their afte

    Joined:
    Jan 18, 2007
    Location:
    In my own world *shifts eyes*
    77
    sry i was in a hurry i gotta go sry ill fix it tomarrow
     
  4. Ultima-Sora Kingdom Keeper

    Joined:
    Aug 23, 2007
    10
    834
    I read it, it's pretty good. You should work on your grammar and start a new paragraph after every 5-7 sentences, but other than that it was enjoyable! :)
     
  5. Nymph of Destiny Chaser

    Joined:
    Jul 23, 2007
    Location:
    Just listen to your heart for me...
    39
    Very nice story, and you didn't do Larxene's personality too bad... ;) So, great job! :)
     
  6. Sadden Blood Warrior Lost in the mind! Help help me god!!!!! Their afte

    Joined:
    Jan 18, 2007
    Location:
    In my own world *shifts eyes*
    77
    lol thanx everyone ill be on tomarrow later
     
  7. Ultima-Sora Kingdom Keeper

    Joined:
    Aug 23, 2007
    10
    834
    Alright! I'm looking forward to you cleaning this story up a bit, good luck! :)
     
  8. Sadden Blood Warrior Lost in the mind! Help help me god!!!!! Their afte

    Joined:
    Jan 18, 2007
    Location:
    In my own world *shifts eyes*
    77
    well im back on im going to fix it now
     
  9. Ultima-Sora Kingdom Keeper

    Joined:
    Aug 23, 2007
    10
    834
    Umm....your gone AGAIN?!?!? :(
     
  10. RoxasNoxas Hollow Bastion Committee

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2007
    Location:
    Southern California
    10
    524
    I read the first five lines, then stopped. I could barely understand what the hell was happening. Please, if you want people to read this, improve your grammar! At least capitalize the first letter of the first word in every sentence!
     
  11. Sadden Blood Warrior Lost in the mind! Help help me god!!!!! Their afte

    Joined:
    Jan 18, 2007
    Location:
    In my own world *shifts eyes*
    77
    u read it wen i was fixing it now its better
     
  12. Nymph of Destiny Chaser

    Joined:
    Jul 23, 2007
    Location:
    Just listen to your heart for me...
    39
    Okay, the grammar and stuff is greatly improved but some suggestions:
    *After quotations, there should be a comma each time such as:
    "Sure, be right back Roxy," Laxerne (you spelled her name wrong by the way - it's Larxene)said.
    Zexion waits till (should be like this 'till) they're out of the room and says (should be a comma before says)" Why (do) you like (capitalize R) roxas so much?". (no period needed)

    And I don't want to be too picky or anything, but sometimes, you forget contractions such as this sentence:
    "Dude your a mess" Axel said trying to pick Roxas up.
    Should be:
    "Dude, you're a mess," Axel said, trying to pick Roxas up.

    Oh, and in this sentence:
    Roxas other none as "the key of destiny" started looking for Laxerene.
    Should be (with a couple of revisions, but you don't have to write it that way if you dont' want to):
    Roxas, otherwise known as the "Key of Destiny," started searching for Larxene.

    Oh, and don't forget compound sentences, for instance, instead of:
    "She barrowed my cell phone to sent a text message and she saw all my messages from Namine now she thinks I'm cheating on her" Roxas said.
    Should be:
    "She borrowed my cell phone to send a text message, and she saw all the messages I received from Namine. Now she thinks I'm cheating on her," Roxas said.

    And a couple of times, you say 'u' instead of 'you' and 'ur' instead of 'your' but if you wanna keep it that way, that's fine.

    Oh, and instead of this sentence:
    Roxas embraced her and says " it's ok" smiling at her.
    "Why'd u think I was cheating on u anyways ur the only one i got feelings for" Roxas said lifting her chin up then kisses her on the cheek.
    You might wanna try:
    Roxas embraced her, and, with a smile, said (make it past tense, as usually stories are like that), "It's ok...but why'd you think I was cheating on you anyway? You're the only one I have feelings for."
    Saying this, Roxas lifted her chin up towards him and kisses her on the cheek.

    And instead of:
    Then smiles and sits on her bed.
    You might want to clarify it by:
    Then he smiled and sat on her bed.

    For some reason, stories are past-tense during narrator mode (when no one's speaking that means), so you have to put it in past tense. And try using more direct words, such as 'searching' instead of 'looking' to make the story sound better.

    Oh, and a couple of mispelled words are annoyed (instead of anoyyed) and aggravated (instead of agurvated).

    And sometimes, you might want to seperate sentences, for instance, instead of:
    "Don't need to stand up" Laxerene said smiling then walks over to Roxas pushes him back on the bed and starts kissing him.
    Should be (with a couple of revisions I just couldn't help adding to her personality):
    "Don't need to stand back up," Larxene said, smiling, as she sauntered over to Roxas, pushing him back onto the bed and sliding on top of his body, giving him a tender kiss as she ran her hand over his chest seductively.

    Sorry, couldn't help adding the few extra actions at the end, as that would be in Larxene's personality in my point of view. lol

    Anyway, there are probably a couple of more paragraphs I'd like to help you do over, but I don't know if you really want me to...that was fun though. And keep up the great story line! :)
     
  13. Sadden Blood Warrior Lost in the mind! Help help me god!!!!! Their afte

    Joined:
    Jan 18, 2007
    Location:
    In my own world *shifts eyes*
    77
    holy sh!!t nymph think u gave me enough pointers god damn
     
  14. Nymph of Destiny Chaser

    Joined:
    Jul 23, 2007
    Location:
    Just listen to your heart for me...
    39
    Sorry. :sweatdrop: Hope it helps though.
     
  15. Sadden Blood Warrior Lost in the mind! Help help me god!!!!! Their afte

    Joined:
    Jan 18, 2007
    Location:
    In my own world *shifts eyes*
    77
    probley ill try to make chapter one better