My dad.

Wall of very emotional text.

My dad is a movie director/producer (my grandparents called me to tell me they watched his movie on TV yesterday), writer, photographer, graphic designer and musician. He pretty much has all of the same talents I have and some other ones, yadda. He's having a mansion built right now, and he has this giant music studio that I'm in love with, derp. He lives in another state, my parents have been divorced since I was seven. Cue daddy issues.

Along with all of these wonderful talents and opportunities he also has issues. He can be a control freak, and his tough love is really ... tough. He also has issues with women for some reason. He's been married three times so far, my mom included. He recently divorced my second step mom and he apparently cheated on her, while I was living with him. Ugh, so much backstory needed. I'VE LIVED WITH HIM BEFORE. I lived with him for a little over 2 years before this happened and I had to move back in with my mom. Couldn't take it. Emotions. Guilt. I was fifteen, I think.

ANYWAY.

Talking to my dad has always been this really stressful, awkward situation. I can never be myself, and he makes me cry so ****ing easily. I'm the most sensitive person in the world, I swear. I have so much pent up inside. I'm upset my parents divorced. My dad promised to move back here, to be with me. When I was 11 (the age someone very close to me died and I was just emotionally hysterical for about three years) I finally called him out on it and he said 'Who cares?' and mentioned his new family, and my step mom, and my brothers. That's probably when it started. He's so strict. He's called me manipulative, constantly thinks I'm lying. He's very spiritual so he's said I was going to hell before, and has called me demon girl, etc. Despite all of that, I still love him, I can't help it, he's my dad. I want his approval. I want his praise. I want him to love me. But that's all...um...just extra angst, unimportant, sorry.

I recently sort of dropped out of school. And as some of you know, a boy from KHV is staying with me. When my dad found out he was visiting, he FLIPPED.

With the school thing, and the boy thing, I haven't wanted to lie to my dad. I don't want to lie to him, but if I don't...I just really cannot handle him right now. I can't handle the stress and the disapproval and the judgement. I can't. I can't handle anyone right now. Not from KHV, not IRL, I just want to be alone. I want to be completely alone, in a hole. Or just nonexistent. I don't want to tell him I'm still living with a boy. I don't to tell him I didn't do so well in college, and that I'm stuck and don't know what I'm doing in my life. I don't want to tell him I'm miserable and depressed and I hate everything and most people and I just want to die and I need help but I have no one and I don't want him to know how pathetic and terrible I've turned out to be. He's already managed to tell me, "Your mother ruined you." I'm just a motivation-less, bitter, pathetic, emotional little *****.


tl;dr I DON'T WANT FEELINGS.

So I haven't spoken to him.

...

This backfired. He's called 5 times. I haven't wanted to talk.

Today, he called his friend Lucas. Said friend came to my house in a panic, knocked on my door and handed me his cellphone, FORCING me to talk to my dad. I almost threw up. My dad demanded to know why I haven't spoken to him, and told me he's worried, and I'm just kind of like, stuttering and getting ready to cry. So I lied. And said my mom told me he called today, but I didn't know of the times before, and that I haven't been home and my mom's been out of town. Lie, lie, lie, lie, lie. I can't take it. I don't know what to do. He told me to call him tonight, but what am I supposed to say? What will I do? Why? Why do I have to lie? I'm still trembling. He sounded so angry and panicked.

It should not be a big deal, but the pressure and the explanations and the emotions drive me to wanting to just jump off of my balcony and die so I don't have to feel it. I don't want to feel it. How do you stop feeling? I don't want to cry. I wish I were strong.

I wish I could talk to him, with strength, and determination and truth and just tell him how I feel. No tears, no wavering. I want him to know, I need his help, but I wish he weren't such a manipulative, controlling liar. I haven't explained half of the things he's put me through, for that matter. It would take too long. But I love him so much, I wish he loved me. I don't want to disappoint him, but I'm a disappointment.

I wish my dad was normal. If he was kind, and understanding--yet firm, and supportive, I would be able to depend on him. He'd be able to help me through this rut. I'd be able to do something with my life ... so many opportunities. I'd have a job right now. I'd be singing, professionally, writing songs. I'd be meeting people and networking. If he would just...Ugh. I can't just use him for things. I can't take the emotional ... terribleness.

What do I do? What am I supposed to do tonight? How do I talk to him? How do I explain why I didn't call him, even if I HADN'T gotten his messages? How do I sound strong, and not break? I don't want to break/cry. He'll say something. He'll judge me.

How do I get over this?

I don't really know what exactly I need...Maybe I just wanted to vent. I have no one. I feel so terrible.

Thank you for reading, sorry for ... this terrible mess of feelings and sensitivity.


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All I can say is to try to be honest, and if the emotions force you to cry, just cry. If you can show him how much you are suffering he may come to aid. Be confident in yourself. I pray that everything goes alright for you. Let God be on your side. :)

 

It seems that you've reached the point of where there aren't any choices left.

I actually think it would be best if you told your mom the truth, regardless of what she might think. Lying only causes further problems down the road. Think about something that relaxes you and gather up the courage to talk to your dad. I mean, it's like you said, he's your dad, and you love him, so if you love him, you'll talk to him.

I can guarantee you that, if you do these things, you'll feel better. Maybe not completely for a while, but you will feel better.

Edit: Also, please don't mention suicide comments (like jumping off your balcony). It makes people, like me, worry more about you. :x

 

I can say that I understand, at least a little, what you're going through. I don't have a... great relationship with my dad either; I understand that feeling of wanting to break off contact with him because it's just too much, but still craving his love and his approval. It's really difficult to put into words, but I get it.

I don't have any solve all solution for you. For me... I've really just cut off contact with my dad. It pushed me to places you've described, feeling like you just want to be alone forever, wishing your family was normal, etc. Bad places. I wanted to take time to really reflect on and try to understand all that's happened between us and where that's placed me, and approach him when I feel strong enough to, if ever. So I really have just stopped talking to him and seeing him. But that's just me. I'm not saying you should completely cut your dad out of your life, but if, in the time you haven't been speaking to him, how do you feel? It comes with its difficulties and its guilt, but that may be the easier option when weighted against all the stress and instability he's caused you.

Maybe just taking some time--it doesn't have to be months or years or anything, that depends on you--but until you really feel stable and ready to deal with that.

As for the call tonight, though, given your reaction to the previous one (which I've had myself, trust me), I don't think it's the best option, nor do I think you should allow your dad to pressure you into something you are not comfortable with. Would your mom be able to talk to him for you? Say that you're going through a rough time right now and so on. I don't know about their relationship, though, so perhaps sending him an email? I know that might seem cowardly but... yeah.

 

It's a lot of the same thing with me and my dad. My dad's an illogical control freak most of the time and he can make me feel terribly guilty and he can make me (a 20 year old man) cry like a baby. By the looks of it, your dad cares about you. He might be a jerk that only knows how to make you feel bad (and I know what that's like), but maybe he doesn't know any other way. Maybe he thinks telling you that "your mother ruined you" or that "you're going to hell" will make you realize the "problems" you're creating.

And it's hard to be truthful about your feelings when you know he isn't going to understand and is only going to shoot down your efforts to make some sort of peace. So, you are not going to make your dad happy, he probably won't be praising you any time soon, and he probably won't be willing to change himself. It just isn't going to happen. And it will always hurt, that pain does not go away. But it doesn't mean you're a failure or a bad daughter or anything like that. All you can do is change and grow and improve yourself. Become a better human being.

I can't really say whether or not you should keep in contact with your dad, I honestly don't know. Do what feels best. I can say, however, that if you do keep in touch, that you need to let go of the comments he makes and just shrug them off. Take in the comment and then blow it away. I know it's easier said than done, and it's something I'm still struggling with. Just don't lose sight and don't let him deter you from the path you want to take. You lead the life you want to lead. It's all you can really do.

Sorry if what I said was blunt, I don't mean to be hurtful, just truthful. Send me a PM if you want to talk or even if you just want to hear the crap my dad puts me through if that makes you feel better.

 

Oh Jayn...I don't know what to tell you.

The only thing I can say is to come clean. To live a life full of lies is living a fake life like Roxas in Twilight Town.

I can't say more than that because it seems you've reached the end of your rope, tell him that is has been him and his overbearingness has contributed to your spiral of depression and calling you a demon girl and flat out insulting you DID NOT HELP MATTERS.

Let him know how you feel. It's will make you cry I'm sorry but there's no easy way to say it anymore. But in the end I have confidence that if he truly loves you as a father and cares about your well-being he will help you.

And if not if anything it's HIS fault that your where you are now and not YOU. He caused this. NOT you.

Hateful feedback and criticism from a loved one and from your biological father no less can taxes one's mind and mental heath until they snap. your this way BECAUSE of him. His constant need to control has destroyed your life and he needs to be aware of it.

I don't give a damn about his beliefs, this is about you and him. No God, no Devil, Nothing. You and him.

If he is anything a christian should be he'd love you and help you out of this rut your in.

We'll be there for you Jayn...Even as your throne crumbles and all your possessions turn to dust. I shall follow you to the ends of the earth and back.

 

I want to say that you should tell him to his face what he's been doing to your family for years. That him being an emotional and social wreck has been passing that taint to his your family, and every other family he tries to marry into. That his life should be centred around what you all want and need, and that he is constantly belittling people makes them feel terrible and scared of him.

That he should be around more for the people in his life then simply scolding them for their choices, that he should learn from something Jesus said, about 'If you have nothing nice to say about someone, do not say it at all' if that works for a man who believes in Heave and Hell. That his actions are childish and self destructive.

He needs to discover the reality of the situation, and if he doesn't get it then he doesn't deserve you as his daughter, or any of his sons.

I can't stand fathers that don't realise what they're doing to their families, or don't appreciate what they have. There are couples out there who can't have children, who would give their lives to have them and would love to hold them, but can't. I hate deserting fathers, they care only for themselves in the end.

I would tell you that you need to show him the reality of the situation, and how much it hurts you and your family. Appeal to him, make him feel the guilt you feel, and tell him that though you love him you can't take the way he treats you like your some tenant of his. You should be treated with the respect you deserve of being his child.

All I can say Jayn, is I really hope you get through this, i'd hate to see your father hurt you so much that you can't get back from it. You're too nice of a person to deserve

 

I can understand that you want to talk to your dad with strength and determination and you want to show him you’re not what he sees you as, but to be honest, there’s nothing wrong with crying. There’s years of pent up emotions you’ve hid from him so it’d only be natural that you’ll cry. There’s nothing wrong with that.

My advice to you, like the others have said, is to be honest. It wouldn’t be surprising if your dad knows you’re lying - he may not know the truth but he probably knows you are. Nobody likes to be lied to, especially parents. It’s a way of disrespecting people. The best thing you could do is to be truthful with him and show him respect. You need some guidance in your life so I think you should ask him for some. Not to hook you up with a job or anything, but ask for some advice on how to progress out of this rut. Tell him you don’t know what to do. Show him that you need a strong, caring father in your life. If he really cared for you he would want to and would help you.

All you can do is be honest and open up to him. The rest is up to him. If he doesn’t give you the support you need then he doesn’t deserve to have you as his daughter. You certainly don’t deserve the emotional stress he’s put you through, no one does. But I think you could make it work. It may not be the ideal father/daughter relationship but there seems to be some potential to salvage this relationship. Though, it’d only work if he’s willing to change his attitude towards you. Otherwise, you shouldn’t waste your time on him and take pride that you tried. I wouldn’t say cut contact with him completely, it seems like he wouldn’t allow that and you never know how things will change in the future, but don’t let him get to you. Stop seeking his approval, love and caring what he thinks. If he can’t spare the time to care for your thoughts and feelings then neither should you for him. Don’t let him drag you down.

I completely get you about feeling alone and wanting to be. It’s a very strange feeling that encases you, with nothing but depression and misery as company. The only way I’ve found to chase it off is to alleviate the depression, which isn’t so easy. As silly as it sounds, thinking positively helps. You’re so hard and critical of yourself even when you’re so talented and have so much potential (Your dad really should be proud to have a such a talented daughter). It doesn’t matter that you dropped out of school. Heck, I dropped out of college a year or so ago for my own personal reasons. Looking back it was for the best. It gave me time to think about what I wanted to do and to sort myself out (mostly lol). I’m now back at college studying something I enjoy that works for me. Even if you’re not studying now there’s always the option to do so in the future if you so wish. You always have the choice to do what you want, but you gotta find that motivation and determination to do so, and only you can bring yourself round to do that. It’s not easy, I know, but it’s something you need to push yourself to do. Don’t let stuff from the past hold you back. Find what it is you want to achieve and go for it.

I do think you should be honest with your dad and tell him how you’re feeling. Though do it in your own time. If he can’t understand then that’s his problem, not yours. You should be proud that you were strong enough to open up to him and tell him how you really felt. Otherwise the lies would continue and eventually everything will come crashing down. How would your dad think of you then? I completely understand your reason for not telling him things but most likely he wouldn't. The longer you prolong it the worse it’s gonna get. It’s tough, I know, but bear with it and take it one step at a time and eventually things will start to look up.

I realise you’ve probably awready called your dad but thought I'd show my support and wish you the best of luck on this Jayn.

 

What Kitty said about dropping out of college is right. I did too. I took a few years out, got a job and it gave me time to think about what I really wanted to do. Now I'm just about finished my first year of university.

You're still young, you've got years to think about which direction you want your life to take. From the sounds of it, you have a lovely mother, which you should be grateful for. Myself, I come from a single mother household, so I can't say much for your relationship with your Dad. But I agree with what others have said, speak to him on your own terms. If that means an email instead of a phone call, then so be it.

The fact that he called you 5 times shows he cares. But that doesn't excuse the hurtful things he has said and done in the past. Stop the lies; it's hard for him to see there's a problem if you keep pretending that everything is okay. It's up to him to change his behaviour. If he doesn't.. well, you can show him the door, imo.

And don't forget that you have a huge support network here. We may just be internet people, but that doesn't change the fact that we care about you and want the best for you.

 

OK, first I should probably warn you : I' m not posting this to cheer you up, because I see no point in treating your symptoms. I' d rather try and destroy the illness. I will get you out of your comfort zone (especially if you' re "spiritual" yourself), but please try and bear with me for a while, I' m trying to get you to see things from a different perspective.

First, your dad is an ass. Not your actual dad, I don' t know him, I' ve never met him, I' m talking about the person you described in your post. You obviously reached the same conclusion, it' s not like I had to read between the lines to get there. What baffles me is that somehow you keep giving him a "get out of jail" free card for all his crap. You feel guilty for not watching your brother for 10 seconds ? Where the hell was he ? What was he doing that was so important that he doesn' t even know how his own daughter is doing at school ? (You' re a girl right ?) I get why a parent could never fail in his child' s eye, but you' re boarding adulthood, correct ? He' s been dictating the rules until now, but that' s over. You' re an adult, a conversation between two adults should be a dialog, not a monologue. You should make him understand that if he keeps belittling you then he is the one shutting the dialog door, not you.

Now that is easier said than done, I get that, and here' s why it gets even trickier : you said he' s someone very spiritual. Maybe you should ask him what "spiritual" even means. That word is such a joke, I looked it up on Wikipedia, out of curiosity :

Spirituality can refer to an ultimate or an alleged immaterial reality an inner path enabling a person to discover the essence of his/her being; or the "deepest values and meanings by which people live." Spiritual practices, including meditation, prayer and contemplation, are intended to develop an individual's inner life; spiritual experience includes that of connectedness with a larger reality, yielding a more comprehensive self; with other individuals or the human community; with nature or the cosmos; or with the divine realm. Spirituality is often experienced as a source of inspiration or orientation in life. It can encompass belief in immaterial realities or experiences of the immanent or transcendent nature of the world.

That sounds awfully like "search for answers that will make you feel good, based on intuition and self-delusion rather than evidence", which of course tends to lead to self-righteousness. He threatened you with hell, you can' t get more self-righteous than that. I know that you want his approbation, I get it, that is a noble goal but only if you reach his approbation on your own terms. There' s no point in gaining his approbation if you have to feel like crap to do so. The person you should try to please and accept first and foremost is yourself. He may never come around to respecting you on your own terms, that is a possibility, but it would be healthier than blind servility nonetheless.

Your post made me think of a few videos I' ve watched recently. Now I don' t know if you are atheist or not, but if you aren' t then you can just replace the word "God" with "Daddy" in the first video, that will turn it into a great daddy issue metaphor. I think both of those videos make some excellent points that relate to your problem, regardless of your beliefs, they worded everything better than I could ever do it myself.

Spoiler

[video=youtube;ecYTgCrVhGM]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ecYTgCrVhGM[/video]

[video=youtube;DAuFJKQh83Y]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DAuFJKQh83Y[/video]

Here' s hopping you' ll find this useful and forgive my bluntness, I wish you courage.

 

Thank you all so much for your advice. I really appreciate it.

I obviously got through the phone call alright. He did ask me about the boy staying with me, and about school. I did end up lying about both of those things, including why I hadn't called. As mentioned before, it's just hard for me to be honest with him when I know he'll freak out on me. He asked me to call him once a week now and keep in contact. ​

Apologies. I know that suicide threads aren't allowed, etc. This isn't what this was. I just really needed to express myself, and that's how I felt/feel sometimes. I truly understand why that rule is in place, and I'm not challenging it, but I also think that it's better for me to vent it out when the feeling reaches that intensity than to pent it up. It helps, and this thread doesn't revolve around suicide, so I hope that that emotion will be respected.

@Myst;

Thank you. I just hate crying in front of him. My dad is a very ... intimidating personal, I guess. He's really firm and strong and confident in everything he does and says, and I'm just ... emotional. So sometimes when I cry I feel really pathetic, around him. It's hard to accept how big a softie I am in comparison.

@Misty;

Thank you for understanding. That's exactly how I feel. Part of me wants to just cut him off, but another part of me just wants his approval. When I don't talk to him, I don't feel as ... depressed, I guess. I mean, part of me is always sad about it, somewhat. Wishing things were different, but it's not as intensely stressful.

I used to talk to him through Facebook more often than phone call, but he doesn't seem to have one anymore, which is weird. He must have deactivated it. I prefer talking to him that way. Easier for me to express myself, and I don't cry, haha.

@cloud<3;

Thank you for your advice. Aside from you guys, and a couple of other places on the internet, I don't really have any friends to talk to? ...That sounds so sad, but the last time I made friends IRL was...um. In my Sophmore year of high school. I've been graduated from HS for about a year now, so I haven't made friends in about three years and the friends I made in high school aren't very close to me anymore, since I live on the other side of town and we don't see each other very much at all. So there's really no one to talk to except ... KHV. But I understand what you're saying. Thank you. <3

@Who am I?;

This helps a lot, thank you. I think you're right. I mean, well...I know he loves me/cares about me. His methods aren't very...nice, but I do believe that if he really didn't give a crap, he wouldn't bother, I guess? I understand. Thank you for this. It helps to know that I'm not the only one. It is difficult to just shrug off the comments, and it's something I'd like to get better at. I feel like if I were stronger, or had a thicker skin, I could just live my life confidently and maintain some kind of relationship with him. I'm just tired of him, of all people, hurting me. There are things that he can say that will completely break me apart, but if it were anyone else, I'd be completely fine. I guess those are just dad powers, haha.

Anyway, I really appreciate this. I might end up shooting you a PM. v:

@NemesisPrime;

Oh man, thank you for your support. It means a lot to me. Really intense, haha. And I know you're right...I need to gather up courage, it's just so difficult for me. I wish it wasn't.

@Peace and War;

Thank you...I mean, it always feels like there's so much to say to him. Like what you said. Mm. Last Summer, I left for a while to go visit him. It was my first time really living with him in years. This is when I helped him with his movie. It felt really good to work with him. We had 14+ hour shifts, so we barely got any one-on-one time. When we didn't have to work, he was too tired to do anything else but lay in bed and watch TV. It didn't bother me too bad.
What got to me was...Well, we were driving to the location one day. He was talking about his new girlfriend, and asking me what I thought about her, and I was honest. I said I missed Devyna (my ...ex step mom?). I missed consistency. I missed when everything was put together. I missed being a 'family' with her and my brothers. I really did. He said; "That's funny, because before you left, you hated her." (This is when the accident happened). I then let him know that she had contacted be recently on FB and that I felt that she was stressed out around that time because of what had happened with my brothers getting in the accident. My step brother's dad pressed charges and tried to gain full custody, etc etc. My step mom had gotten all cold and bitter towards everything. She wouldn't talk to me regularly, she was ... um. She pretty much treated me like I didn't exist anymore. This is part of the guilt that led to me leaving.
There was this point where she spanked one of my brothers, the one who got hit in the head by the car, and my dad dragged her into the hallway and yelled at her "Are you CRAZY?" because he had just gotten out of the hospital. And they started screaming at each other and he apparently hit her. My step brother also stopped talking to me about things. I asked him what was wrong, and he said "Why should I tell you?" And I was just. It was crazy in that house, I couldn't stand it.

Anyway, I told him I felt there was a lot going on around then and that I didn't like anybody. It was too much.

He then proceeded to yell at me. He said that my step mom was evil, and that he hated that we had had contact. He told me she was a liar, and then said that he never hit her, and that she lied to my step brother and that now he won't talk to him. He then said, "She blames you for the accident, I bet you didn't know that, huh?" He then explained that in court, during the divorcing-stages, she had written to the court that it was my fault my brothers got hurt. She had said that I had disobeyed her, and gotten into the car instead of taking my brothers across the street. That was a lie, as I explained, I had taken one brother across the street and put him in his chair. Then I went across to get the other brother, and he wanted to walk with my step-brother and refused to go with me. I went back across and watched them bother cross the street. My step brother was putting his instrument in the car, when my youngest brother turned around to go back across the street because he saw my step mom and wanted to get to her. My step brother noticed my little brother ran out into the street and went after him, I was still out of the car. I ran after them both but it was too late. Anyway.

My dad also said that the main reason he and her argued was because of me. That he defended me a lot when she scolded me or went off about me, and that it eventually led to their divorce.

My problem is...why? Why would he do that? Why would my dad tell me that? Why would he want me to hurt the way I did after that? And question everything and distrust everyone. I didn't want to know all of that...I don't even know if it was entirely true, but the doubt he put in my heart, I still hate it. It's still unresolved. I still have to deal with what he told me, and I still wonder if she really hated me. I loved her. And I carry even more guilt with me, especially if I caused their divorce.

I still want to tell him. I mean, I still want to ask him why he would tell me all of that. I was hyperventilating after. I mean, I already hate everything, after he told me that I just. I'm still. Ugh. That's just one of the things I want to confront him about. He apologized for making me cry, but that's not even the issue. Why wouldn't he protect me from something like that? That pain? It's like he wanted me to hate her, because he's insecure about everything. I hate that he would tell me that, but it's been almost a year since he did and I still can't confront him about it. I just break down.

@Kitty;

Thank you. I know what you're saying about being honest. It shouldn't be so difficult for me, but it is. I've been honest with him in the past and I just. He's so critical. And I know I should stop wanting his approval and wasting my emotions on it, but if it were so easy to just stop feeling it, I would have severed that years ago. It's a difficult thing for me. I can't easily ... stop caring. I wish I knew how to, but it's difficult for me.


@Pabu;

Thank you! And yeah, I've been told that too ... That I have a lot of time to figure things out, but my family doesn't seem to think that way. I dropped out because I hated it, and I don't see the purpose of ... doing something I hate when I have an option to figure something out that may work better. I wasn't ready for it, so I didn't try very hard, and instead of ruining my future chances (I've already ruined my financial aid, though), I want to think about things and research things and figure it out. My mom and my dad both are putting a lot of pressure on me, and telling me time waits for no one and I have to be aggressive about what I want and I have to figure it out, and do something, and yeah. I just. Overwhelming.

@Patman;

Thank you for this. I'm not offended or hurt, I appreciate it. I'll be watching these videos.


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it's no problem. just so you know, meditation helps. A lot. At least it does for me. It's not like duct tape: it's not a temporary fix, it's not a quick fix. It takes some amount of dedication and effort, but it really helps in the long run.

 

Jayn, darling, you deserve none of this.
But I absolutely understand what you're going through. I've dealt with a pretty rough time with my biological father as well.

I can see that many members have helped you out right now, and they're saying the things I would have said.
I went through it with talking with people too. Here on KHV, my siblings, cousins and mother. I would cry and just break down but it helped me. And less and less I found myself fearing to confront my father - which is something you should do, but when you're ready. I suggest writing a letter to your father. Write down everything you want him to know, everything that you've felt and wanted to tell him but couldn't find yourself too. Just write it all down - don't go over spelling or grammar or anything of the sort. Just give yourself a couple minutes or hours if needed, to write down everything. Once your done, do what you want with it. I wouldn't send it, but if you feel strong enough - try sending it. Or maybe, keep it with you and read it over and let it just empower you. You deserve to be heard, you have a voice (a lovely one at that) and what you say can set you free. Writing it all down can be the start of this. You should confront your father some time, just when you're absolutely certain you're ready. When you're at that point, face him and stay strong.

But the one thing you should know: you're not alone. You don't have to go through it alone. If you want to confront him with family or a friend go ahead, but if you do - don't ever think even for a second you're going in there alone. You're family and friends are here to back you up and help you get through this. You are never ever alone Jayn. You have everyone dear to you and I hope you realize that you have us. We care and love you dearly Jayn, I really pray that things get better for you because you're such a the sweetie and you deserve the best. If you need someone to talk to, I hope you know that I'm here for you. I really hope things get better. You deserve it <3 *hugs tight*