*Trigger Warning* This is a dark theme... Been having hell with myself over the last couple of weeks, so I let it out through... what ever this is. Call it a rant, say I'm seeking attention, but this is just my thoughts and my feelings... And here we go. *sorry about the spoiler tags, I don't know what happened. Just click the fourth spoiler tag* Spoiler You know… It seems like when a person is happy, no one gives a care about you. There’s not even a “Hello, how are you doing today?” at random from someone else other than you. They’re just happy you’re smiling, being random, cheerful, loving, and they don’t have to worry about you and move on with their own life. When you’re lonely, they don’t care either. It’s like, “Oh hey, can we hang out today? Or talk?” And they’ll reply “No, I’m busy right now. We’ll talk or hang out with each other another time.” Which leaves you even more lonely and sad. Then it seems like all you do is hurt people lately. They all leave you alone and don't talk to you anymore. You start listening to depressing music to match your mood, writing things that you’re feeling, maybe dressing differently or looking differently (frowning, not doing anything with your hair, wearing a hood all the time). And then when you start cutting yourself, some that are left will see it and not say anything. They’ll pass judgement on you and that’ll be that. And then they’ll ask, “Are you okay?” But you’re too ashamed, because there had to be a reason why the others left you. And if you tell them what's wrong, they'll leave you too. So you say with a smile plastered on your face, “I’m fine.” And they’ll go, “Oh good. Well I have to be going somewhere, see ya.” You then get on medication. The side effects are terrible, the nightmares in the day and night start coming and you continue to cut, burn, or anything else you can think of to do to yourself. People notice you look a little sick, and maybe will pass a word of pity or say to get well soon… And that is all. But when you come to an understanding that you don’t want to be here anymore and no one cares for you and somehow you say, “I don’t want to be here anymore. It’s not worth it.” All of the sudden, people have time for you. They want to hang out with you, they want to talk to you, they want to be with you… They suddenly want to share your world with you, say nice things to you, involve you in their own lives… And then, after a while, as you’re getting better, they’ll most likely leave you. And there goes that cycle again. And you'll lose more people to reside in after a while because you just can't get better already And friends… This is why society and people suck.
In a Buffy episode (S03E18) Buffy' s struck with a spell that allows her to hear everyone' s thoughts. She randomly catches the thoughts of a student about to suicide, here' s what she tells him : [Buffy finds Jonathan in the clock tower with a rifle.] Jonathan: Go away! Buffy: Never gonna happen. Jonathan: You think I won't use this? Buffy: I don't know, Jonathan. I just – Jonathan: Stop doing that! Buffy: Doing what? Jonathan: Stop saying my name like we're friends! We're not friends! You all think I'm an idiot! A short idiot! Buffy: I don't. I don't think about you much at all. Nobody here really does. Bugs you, doesn't it? You have all this pain and all these feelings, and nobody's really paying attention? Jonathan: You think I just want attention? Buffy: No. I think you're up in the clock tower with a high-powered rifle because you wanna blend in. Believe it or not, Jonathan, I understand about the pain. Jonathan [bitterly]: Oh, right! Because the burden of being beautiful and athletic, that's a crippler! Buffy: You know what? I was wrong. You are an idiot. My life happens to, on occasion, suck beyond the telling of it. Sometimes more than I can handle. And it's not just mine. Every single person down there is ignoring your pain because they're too busy with their own. The beautiful ones. The popular ones. The guys that pick on you. Everyone. If you could hear what they were feeling. The loneliness. The confusion. It looks quiet down there. It's not. It's deafening... You know, I could've taken that by now. Jonathan: I know. Buffy: [holds out hand] I'd rather do it this way. [gently takes the rifle from Jonathan as he hands it to her]
And I know everyone has their own pain. Which makes me feel worse and like horrible because sometimes their pain is worse than mine, but I'm crying and not sleeping well and struggling with broken relationships and broken friendships. Their pain matters more. And so I stay in the shadows and just have at it.
(This is the Writer's Nook, not Help With Life, so please try to stay on topic with the actual writing aspect--unless you want this moved, Rainbow? Also, fixed your spoilers. ) That being said, I'm not exactly sure how to critique this. It seems very personal. Something probably a bit more fitting for the Discussion section, in my opinion, since anything I'd have to say wouldn't have anything to do with your writing style or anything, haha.
Oh... Well. I didn't where to put it exactly. Should have asked first. Um... Maybe discussion then? It's not really a Help With Life topic... >< Where ever you think it should be, Jayn-dear. :'D
Moved to Discussion for now, so that other's can state their feelings on the subject. Keep in mind that this is discussion and not debate, guys. Feel free to express yourself, but please don't bash anyone's views or start unnecessary arguments, it's a very sensitive topic. I'll reply myself in a bit. <3
I can' t make you want to feel better. No one can, and I' m afraid you won' t feel any better until you actually want to. You didn' t chose your pain, but reveling in it is very much your decision. Freedom of choice, as long as you don' t physically harm anyone but yourself whatever choice you make is none of my business, especially when you seem to have a good grasp on your situation. I' ll just shut up now. Good luck though.
Emotional writing is always synonomis with powerful writing. A lot of people out there do...just suck, but that is not everybody. I'm still trying to convince myself of that. And depression is something that eats at you, but you should always remember that our minds make things worse than they really are. It comes as quickly as it goes, and you should heal at your own pace that makes you comfortable. And keep remembering who you really are, what you want our of life, and what makes you happy.
No one should ever compare their problems to anyone else's, it only makes you feel worse. It's true that everyone has their problems, but it should never be about who has the 'worst' problem. Everyone's pain is equally as important to them as other people's are to themselves. Everyone should have at least one person to talk to without fear of being judged or having their problems belittled.
