I'm posting this more of wanting to get this off my chest then wanting help. Back story time; Between the ages of 13 and 17 I was suicidal due to being badly bullied at school and one morning last year when I woke up and wanted to put a gun to my head. But I no longer want to die. Why? Because I know the people will remember me and known I once was, and I don't want my family and close friends to be hurt like that.... But now when I feel that down, I want to cease to exist so every memory of me is erased and I won't be missed nor will people be hurt. I have only started to think like this, this year, and I hope I get rid of this state of mind soon.
Just know that the bullying in school wasn't your fault. I think that speaking about not wanting to exist is just as bad as wanting to take your own life. You've mentioned that you're close with your family and friends, so why not talk to them about it? There's rarely ever a case where those you love cannot help. However, if that doesn't work or you'd rather just not talk to them about it, try a counselor.
I know it wasn't my fault just giving some background info. I guess it is. I'm not that close to my family, I just know they would be effect, as for friends I will be linking them to this when they come online. The reason I don't tell them to their face is because when I'm feeling like this, I'm too scared to say anything.
Does this have anything to do with what you wrote in the Sexual Preference thread ? I mean, what your dad told you is bound to **** you up psychologically one way or another, that' s major bullying right there.
What Amaury mentioned regarding a counselor sounds best. In any case though, the reality of the situation is that the bonds you've made with people is already set in stone; you cannot cease to exist without the people in your life, be they friends, family, even the people you don't take too much notice of, feeling the impact of your loss and going through the appropriate grief. From what you've said in regards to this state of mind, it sounds like you want it to be challenged and want to hear alternatives to counteract this mindset the moment it appears and don't want to "burden" anyone with the in-depth details of what it is you're feeling, so again a counselor or even a support group (not one where you spill out all your problems, though, but one more geared to giving you information to learn to cope on your own since you sound like you do want to be independent in this regard) should be helpful.
Wow, I totally know how you feel. I guess it's hard to learn to want to live, even when you no longer want to die. I still very often find myself feeling exactly that, that sometimes I feel like I wish I didn't even exist. I hadn't really put it into words so much, but I definitely know where you're coming from. I do think you should see a counselor or something, like others have said, but the only advice I can give you that hasn't already been said is this: Try to find a reason. Look for a cause, you know? I'm not saying jump on some political bandwagon or join a monastery or anything, but something that's helped me a whole lot is finding something I can be a part of. Something that started out as me showing up once a week to serve free food to people and turned into my life. Whenever I feel like I would rather have not existed than go through my life, I suddenly remember my kids, all the kids who don't get dinner except for that thing I do. I remember how they all want to come sit by me when I get a plate for myself, I remember how they tell me about their life, I remember how they run up to me and give me a hug when they see me around town. Whenever I feel like things would be better if I didn't even exist, I can look at them and know that no, I'm making a difference. I'm helping somebody, even if it's something as little as giving them a plate of food. Another thing that helped me is taking the time to go for a walk every day, where I'm not going anywhere, I'm not doing anything. I'm just out for a walk, enjoying the day. I don't know your area, you might live in the inner city or you might live in a small town. (If you live in the inner city it's probably not a good idea to just wander around, so scratch that) But if you live in a small town like me, you also could have the opportunity to walk out of town for a bit, and admire nature. I like to walk up the hill outside my house and go up to a cemetery just out of town. I've found all the beautiful spots there, and I can stand on the edge of the hill and look out over the town, seeing all the mountains around as the wind blows through the trees and I contemplate life. It sounds deeper than it is, I usually just stand there and don't think about much (maybe humming the Beatles' song The Fool on the Hill), but I've learned to love every little thing about this earth that I never even noticed before. Stop and smell the roses, and whatnot. The hardest parts are the nights, of course, but whenever I can't sleep and I just think about everything I've said that day that I wish I hadn't said, and I feel like things would be so much easier if I just didn't exist, I sometimes hear a whisper in the back of my head, a reminder that I don't have to feel that way, that I'm a part of something. That I would be missed by someone, and hey, the snow outside makes the pine trees even more beautiful. I found that the more time I took to enjoy the very little things, the better I slept at night. Man, I always get like this around this time of year. I guess it's because I was born in December all full up with Christmas spirit. I've got scenes from It's A Wonderful Life running through my head even as I'm humming Begin Again from the movie Scrooge: The Musical. I don't know if you've seen them both or not, and I know it's not past Thanksgiving yet, but you should watch both of them anyway. They might make you feel better for at least an hour or two. I know I tear up during Scrooge every time I watch it, and I'm already planning on watching it tomorrow. (I swear, Scrooge: The Musical is my favorite movie of all time.) XD So, sorry for the long rambly post. Whatever you do, just know that I relate, and I'm pulling for you. :)
The reason I worded it like that, was because I knew sooner or later, I'd stop thinking like that... Like now, I don't want to die and I want to exist. I guess I just wanted to know what people would say on the subject. And hopefully I want be this down again, but I'm trying to be more positive. And it seems to be working, just need to wait and see how the rest of the year is
