Parental Abuse?

Discussion in 'Help with Life' started by Calxiyn, Aug 5, 2015.

  1. Calxiyn Keyblade Master

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  2. Magick ~Meaner then my demons~

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    I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with this. I'm sure you'll get a lot of advice and sympathy because you mean a great deal to people here, and you're such a sweetheart.

    First off, the why.

    Since it seems to be a specific age that precursors the onset of the behavior, I would immediately think that something happened to your mother at that age to make her act this way. It could be that it was traumatic, or devastating in a physical or emotional way. You and your sister should know that it's nothing you did, and none of it is in any way your fault.
    It honestly sounds like your mom has the parenting (I don't know all the medical jargon) part of her brain switched off. She doesn't seem to recognize that you are her kids and you need to be loved and protected by her, not from her. This can be caused by a history of drug and alcohol abuse, but the only way to make it better is to get her help, and make her see a psychologist. It could also be a sort of bipolar disease or anxiety disorder, but again, without a licensed professional it's really hard to diagnose a mental illness.

    I do believe it is strongly related to the age. A lot of girls start going through puberty at or around this age. It's a stretch, but it could be a severe lack of judgement coupled with a strong sense of jealousy. You're getting to go through school and boyfriends and being young, and your mom is only getting older. It's a stretch, but it's entirely possible that she's upset because of this and she can't handle it constructively, instead taking her emotions out on the ones she perceives as causing it.

    Now, what to do about it.

    If the abuse starts to escalate and you or your sister are fearful of your safety or your life at any time, call the police. You and your sister can back each other up as evidence, and if there's physical proof, it'll only strengthen your case. Despite the downsides, which I'll type in a second, I strongly recommend this, because your life is much too important to be thrown away.
    If you do call the police and they file for domestic assault, they will be forced to take you and your sister, unless you're of legal age to live on your own, to your father, your aunt, or a social worker. If no one in your family can care for you, this has the potential to land you and your sister in the foster care system. I don't know how good it is where you are, but it's not usually a good situation.

    If you can't go with your dad, and you can't trust your aunt, I would recommend seeing if there's a way to get your grandmother and grandfather to live with you and your sister. Since they are of age, they could technically take custody of you, you would just have to sort through how you would come up with enough money to make a living. It's not the best option, but it is an option.

    You can also look into legal emancipation. In Minnesota, if you are sixteen you can file for emancipation and live as an adult on your own. There are different specifics in different states and countries, but you may be able to file as a result of abuse, and take your sister with you if you can work within the confines of the law. It's a little more technical then the other two, but it might be your best shot.

    I still would recommend maybe trying to talk to your aunt. Maybe she knows why your mom acts this way, or has some insight. Even if she doesn't automatically believe you, she might turn her opinion around after thinking about it. Maybe your grandparents could talk to her too and explain the situation. This is a really hard thing to go through on your own, and while everyone here will give you advice and love and virtual hugs, physical family and friends can offer an escape that we can't.

    I wish you all the best and I hope you find the solution you're looking for.
     
  3. Misty gimme kiss

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    I most definitely agree with @Magick that it seems to be related to the age you and your sister are reaching, especially if it only started in the last few years for you and recently for your sister. (Although, there may be other causes, like something going on in your mother's personal or private life that she is taking out on you.) It does seem to coincide with the late prepubescent to early pubescent stage for you and your sister, which leads me to believe it's an insecurity of your mother's about her ability to navigate you two through it. It's obviously a stage where one's life changes dramatically in just a few years, and in which parents will have to worry about where you're going, what you're doing, and who you're doing it with. More majorly, based on what you've said sets her off about you (which are side effects of your depression and anxiety), it sounds as though she's not prepared to treat you (and probably your sister) as individuals with emotions, and not simply as malleable kids she can control with a "because I said so." You have wants and needs and feelings and desires that aren't necessarily compatible with hers and that probably frightens her.

    All of that said, nothing excuses emotional or physical abuse from her, and I'm awfully sad to hear that it has reached that point. What makes me question my interpretation of your mother's behavior is that your grandparents seem to expect it out of her (I take it they're her parents considering your parents are divorced). Now that may be because your grandparents have seen how your mother treated you, and therefore want to protect your sister from that if possible, but it is also possible that your mother has a history of violent or abusive behavior. If this has been a long-rooted issue in her life, it's not something that could really be solved by a few sit-downs with her.

    What course of action you should take I'm not sure anyone here would be qualified to suggest unless they have been in a similar situation or have been involved in some kind of social work. Happily, most schools have a social worker or some sort of counselor who can listen to your problems. As @Magick said, if that person deems the situation bad enough that your mother loses custody, you may be left in a worse situation, and therefore I would try to find the exact rules that counselor has to follow (e.g. can they report what you say about your mother without your consent & so on). Right now your home situation is bad, but it's at least manageable if your mother no longer confronts you and you can protect your sister (not that you should have to be in that situation). But that counselor may also be able to simply talk through problems with you and act as a resource for you and your sister, let you know what your options are and so on. I would definitely recommend looking into that.

    I'm very sorry to hear all this Cal. Even if the best solution ends up being to buckle down and deal with this, protecting your sister as much as you can, do know that we're all here as a resource for you, even if the most we can do is listen to a rant.
     
  4. Laurence_Fox Chaser

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    I would agree that since the abuse seemed to start with both you and your sister entering into the 8th grade and would postulate that you becoming more of a teenager is some sort of trigger for your mother. She doesn't know how to take care of two young adults and perhaps that knowledge frightens her and she doesn't know how to properly work out this fear without this extreme reaction.

    Depression is also hereditary. I'd suspect that she has a different form of it. You're more likely to say you don't want to do things whereas she's more likely to react with anger. Two different extremes for the same reason. But as she's never been diagnosed and I'm not properly licensed I hesitate to diagnose.

    Your mother might also know how to not properly react to a person with depression. Given the stigma we have of mental illness and with those that have it, it wouldn't surprise me. It seems the most common reaction that someone with depression hears is: 'Have you tried not being depressed?' or 'Oh it's just in your head.' or 'Get over it.' I have a friend who has depression(legit diagnosed) and she hears these things from her own parents.

    And I agree with what @Misty suggested. That you talk to a school counselor or some other adult about this. My first inclination would have gotten child protective services involved but I don't think there's anything malicious involved. And it's likely that your mother would be deemed unfit to care for you and your sister and since your father doesn't have the means to properly care for you, you'd be sent to a foster family. And I've heard good and bad things about the foster system.

    I think most counselors have an obligation to report any instances of an unsafe home environment to act in the best interests of the children. Don't quote me on that since I probably have it written down in my notes from college moldering somewhere in my closet.

    I hope things improve for you.
     
  5. Mish smiley day!

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    Echoing what @Magick said re: informing the police. I doubt that you would be taken into care unless things go seriously horribly wrong - social workers do their best to keep families together - but it's good to have a paper trail. Getting the police involved may also make her see that what she is doing is not only unacceptable by your standards, but other peoples' (and the law's) too.

    You can start by writing down everything abusive that she does and keep a record of it. Maybe even try recording her inconspicuously and showing her later on. She may be shocked and hopefully ashamed to hear herself in that state.
     
  6. Amaury Legendary Hero

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    Agreed. And be extremely specific with dates, times, and events that took place. In a case like this, it's really important to have specifics for police or whoever you contact for this.
     
  7. Calxiyn Keyblade Master

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  8. Always Dance Chaser

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    Hi! I almost never post on this website anymore so you may not know who i am, but I decided to stop and check on the site and noticed this thread.

    I had 4 abusive parents and one of them was a lot like your mother.

    A lot of people have brought up potential reasons for the why, another possibility i would like to raise is narcissistic personality disorder. Three of my abusers, in my opinion, had this. For me, reading about it and why it's awful put my mind at ease about the fact that it was a real problem and not just my own projections.

    Regarding the how, the sad reality is that a lot of the child protective services people will fail to do anything just like in my case. For me, the best thing to do was to escape as soon as I could and try to become stable so i could be a resource for my siblings to get through their childhoods more painlessly. The ideal situation is for me to sue my parents for custody once i can handle the kids myself. I also cut off contact with my abusers, in hopes that the complete lack of my presence would make them come to terms with their abusive behavior.

    What I want to address that doesn't seem to be being talked about a lot is what you need to do for yourself and your own well being. You are an abused person, like me, and you are going to need help. Growing up like that was really ****ing hard. It took me a lot of time to accept this, but it's worth it. The fact that you can't remember so much of your childhood/incidents? You don't have "terrible memory," that's not normal, you are literally blocking stuff out because of how bad it was. There are things you'll need to address about yourself and it's going to be hard. If you can, get yourself a therapist. In the meantime, try to find support groups, even online ones help. Some of the ones that have helped me through a lot were /r/raisedbynarcissists and /r/parentlessbychoice. You can also talk to me about any of this by contacting me here or (for quicker turnaround) any of the contact info in my signature.

    I'm really sorry for what you're going through and I wish you the very best of luck.
     
  9. Sara Tea Drinker

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    I had a situation like this before... When I reached college. It got so bad I nearly killed myself a few weeks before graduation from university because I couldn't stand the thought of going back to that house. (I'm the youngest, btw... My brother moved out and refuses to speak to my mom. Though h speaks to my dad who's disturbingly more abusive.)

    Mental illness sadly runs in both sides of my family, my mom is also the most stable one on both sides. It wasn't until I hit college that she spiraled rapidly into mental illness. (My dad decided to give our life savings to the church then ran up the credit card bills to bankruptcy. He still pays at least half his paycheck to the church. He also set fire to our house right before she kicked him out.) She used to be a lot worse than she is now... The most vivid memories I have of the abuse is her throwing a phone book at me and leaving a huge welt on my leg that took weeks to heal, and her throwing a doorknob at my door while calling me a: "ungrateful little *****". I have walked out of the house and threatened to do so before many times to try and cool down because I no longer get upset, I get pissed and fight back after many years of crying which she screamed at me for doing so.

    It's hard, brutally hard... To say the least. She has good days and bad days now, and when it hits the worse days I really do sometimes want to kill myself. Sometimes I leave and head to the library, or go somewhere else to get away from it, it really helps to escape sometimes. Especially when you have nothing else. The cops are your best option I'm guessing at your age, at the least they can give your mom help... Is your dad an option, also? I heard you mention him in the first post.

    I really hope it works out for you, take care of yourself and good luck with your sister.