Polyamory

Time for some serious discussions. 8)

Monogamy is, for the most part, our social norm: you grow up, get married, and stay faithful to that person. However, in our widening culture, open relationships or full-blown polygamy are entering the mainstream, whether it is the result of religious beliefs (for example, some Mormons believe in and practice polygamy), experimentation, or a person's belief in their natural tendencies.

Because we're all rather young here (I don't think many of us are considering marriage right now!) we can put this simply in the realm of open vs. exclusive relationships, as the terms monogamy and polygamy do imply marriage, but in my mind they're rather interchangeable (feel free to disagree or correct me!).

Some food for thought: how do you perceive monogamy and polygamy? Are you a strict monogamist, polygamist, or somewhere in between? Have you experimented with both types of relationships? Do you believe it's possible or even natural for two people to remain faithful and in love with each other for the rest of their lives? These are just starting points, don't feel obligated to answer them all, or restricted just to them!

 

I don't see anything wrong with Polygamy. I personally would not practice it, but as long as there is some form of love there, it's still a legitimate relationship.

As far as the questions go, I haven't practiced Polygamy. I do think it's possible and natural for two people to remain faithful for the rest of their lives. It's as natural as leaving each other too. We have emotions as humans, and the mind to harness these emotions.

 

I've always been surrounded by a great number of people, especially groups of friends, where we'd be in packs of up to 15 or more even. I've seen plenty of relationships form, and they've been fairly open at times. People would make out with each other between us, drinking helped them i'm sure, and I think that it was a more an experiment type of thing for being a teen and discovering sexuality and whatever. But nothing happened, like, we still got on it was taken with a pinch of salt and nothing bad happened. I learnt there and then you can be with more than one person and it can be fine for participants.
It takes a certain type of personality and attitude. A lot of openness and a lot of ability to go with the flow.
You can be attracted to two or more people at one time, dating even, I've not seen it first hand but I don't think it's any impossibility.

No proper relationships on my end, so what I've seen is all I can say about the matter.

 

My views on this are pretty much the same as my views on gay marriage and such: whatever makes you happy.

I think it's very possible for someone to be committed to two-three (or more if that's their kick) people at once. Like PaW said, it takes a certain kind of person (probably self-actualized) and a lot of openness to be able to do it and do it well. I kind of tried an open relationship last summer with a friend, which helped me to realize that I am very monogamous, haha.

When it comes to it lasting, I think it's just a matter of having consistently good communication between all parties. Everyone should be aware of how the other is feeling about it, and they should make efforts to talk about the relationship and try to fix it if someone is having doubts or problems with it.

 

In the biological view humans are somewhat draw to polygamy. In poligamical species normaly there is one sex that is bigger than the other, how much bigger it is comparing to the other sex more sexual partners it will get ( the monogamical species being an penguim that has a 1:1 ratio and a hugely polygamical being elephant seals that have huges harems), although men are not twice bigger than females (15 cm on avarege), some polygamy is to be expected.

What makes humans have the illusion of monogamy? First we are not that much polygamical as other species (there is a gradient), and yet we are not as monogamical also.. we think that monogamy is being exclusive to one person during a brief period of time, that is not it... truly monogamical species only have one mate for life, and even though we do maridge, and can stick with one person for life probably it wasn't the only person that we ever dated in all our life, do you see the difference? We as humans created levels of "relationship" so we could call ourselves monogamical .. we can have any number of girlfriends/boyfriends before we settle down with the "one", not counting the couples that cheat (that is a form of polygamy as well).

But.. as the difference of sizes isn't so much, and the ratio of male/female is ALMOST 1:1 (but there are more women) we construct a monogamical society that avoids conflict, as a men with many women could mean that a lot of other men would be whithout none.

There is also the social aspect of this, there are cultures that women marry many men (to avoid spliting the lands that brothers would enherit they marry the same woman), and the opsite as well it depends if it is a patriarch or matriarch society.


That being said, I do belive in polygamy and monogamy (one could be true to another, exclusive for whatever period of time, but could be attracted to others, or had others before).

 

Personally don't see why it's my business what other people do, or why it's someone else's business what I do
I remember seeing on a show once, there was a polygamist family, and they kept making this HUGE deal, like 'oh, these poor women! there's no way they could be getting what they need out of this relationship!' and yet they were both fulling okay with the relationship, and it had never been a secret or anything
It's strange how focused people can get on vilifying people's preferences

 

Personally I prefer Monogamy where you get with one person and stay faithful to them. I probably wouldn't participate in polygamy as I like a relationship to be a special thing between two people. I wouldn't do anything sexual or the like with anybody outside of a proper relationship. I think it is definitely possible for two people to remain faithful and in love with each other for the rest of their lives, I have seen several instances of it, although sadly quite often that doesn't work out. In terms of marriage though, that is not something that should be rushed into and I'll probably have several relationships (at different times) before making that commitment.

However, got talking to a friend today who is just about the exact opposite of me on this. He doesn't believe in monogamy and being restricted to one person. He told me that he wouldn't ever get into a relationship, in this century people should be free. (Following this, he's unlikely to get married.) This concept is a bit alien to me, it took me a bit to wrap my head around but it was interesting to hear. I think things like that can work, everyone's different so it's just what works for you. It's nice to have a range of views and it works out fine as long as everyone understands and respects each others opinions.

 

this post is probably going to be packed with typos because I'm in school.

anyway,


From my view polygamy pretty much undermines the entire marriage institution.
Without going too deep into detail, marriage is based on love and devotion. It goes without saying that the love and devotion you would have for one spouse would be spread so thin across even two people that it, for one, completely defeats the purpose.

that said, I suppose somr cultures other than my own practice it as the norm, so I'm not in any position to tell them what they're doing is not as good as monogamy.

pretty much do whatever you want and ill do the same.

 

I feel that I, personally, can only practice monogamy simply because I want to be with one person and that's it and I want them to myself. Of course, polygamy works for many people and so I think if both parties agree with it then what's the problem?

I think it's important to show whoever you are with care and love (as long as it's reciprocated) but if people aren't happy then they shouldn't do it. Sometimes, open relationships can enhance marriages as, if one is going to cheat then at least the other has said it's okay. I personally would never go sleeping around but I know that some people do. People should find what makes them happy and someone who will mostly comply with that so hopefully it can all work out.

 

Polygamy I am not okay with in the slightest. God said that a man should only marry one woman and vice versa. Having two wives/ husbands would be like cheating in my eyes. You can only be faithful to one woman (and come on guys, you think you really could handle more then one). People crave attention. Don't say you don't because that is a lie. Human nature is very selfish whether you think you are or not. One person cant show the other the compassion and same amount of love with one partner if it has to be split to two or more. Because of that a lot of competition occurs to prove who id more deserving. When that happens the feeling just dies. You certainly cant please both equally.

 

I think that a couple, or a single for that matter, to fall in love, but maybe find out that that person just isn't right for them.It is not like that is a rare circumstance to appear.

People should however, make sure they properly like the person before they get married. People now, rush into relationships, and that is why one sees so much of this kind of "news". While people of older generations tend to stay together longer, I am not saying that young relationships cannot work, that is biologically the time for animals(specifically humans) to get a mate, and reproduce. Primates and birds have similar mating habits. Pairing for life. Humans do that, but animals will, believe it or not, go on pseudo "dates" with their to be mate, and get to know the other more. Couples have been seem to break up, bringing up the rushing into relationships point.

I think that people should come to an agreement of divorce, if that is part of their beliefs. Whereas Muslims, will go see counselor. People should be able to do whatever they think works for that relationship best.

 

I've mentioned this years ago when this topic comes up so might as well pose it again.
You say you can't love more than one person at a time, yet let's go back to the earlier love and relationship that's formed in your life, your parents. In a nuclear family unit, having two parents basically, you traditionally form close bonds with them.
You can love your parents equally, so how can that not be applied to a romantic relationship?

I can say for sure, love is erratic and unpredictable. Rarely do you love one person in your whole life, and even rarer do you get to choose who you love. So I can't discredit the relationship of loving more than one person at a time. Obviously for some it works, so it's not impossible just not common.

 

So long as all members know and accept a multi-person relationship I don't think there is a problem with polygamy. Communication is a very large part of relationships and as long as that stays strong and everyone is happy who am I to say it's wrong? Consenting members can do whatever they wish however they wish as long as they meet the emotional needs of everyone involved.

I personally am far to clingy to be happy in such a relationship, I get somewhat upset when other people cuddle my partner.
I do however have two sets of friends that are pretty okay with having a large relationship group and a smaller group where one of the men has a boyfriend and a girlfriend.

I also do think that one couple can remain happy and love each other for life. It takes work and communication from both sides, and for a lot of people it's common to just fall out of love, that's natural too! Emotions don't abide to the rules of logic or willpower.
I think groups can also have that sort of life long love if they find the right people.
Everyone should just do what makes them happy. (◡‿◡✿)

 

The only real big problem I have with Polygamy, and I'm going into the minefield for this one: Is that in most religious based cases a lot of the women's rights are taken away. This has been seen again and again in cults and Mormon beliefs, which I DO ADMIT have removed the Polygamy belief mainly because of the publicity they were getting on how women were being treated in a lot of cases, not all. My mother met my dad in a cult where it was Polygamy based, the guy who ran it actually tried to take my mom as one of his wives though she and my dad were starting to show interest in each other. She got out with her sister and my dad before it happened, but she said it was frankly disturbing on how women were treated.

The reason why most cult-based (and I didn't say Mormon, mind you) women go into Polygamy or grew up in it don't care because either they're brainwashed or they see it as part of every day life because they've seen nothing else. When you grow up in such a thing surrounded by a whole bunch of other families who are the same way you don't know there's something different. That's why it's done this way. And yes, I know there's other religions that are not cult-based who do the same, one of the biggest is the Amish.

Please don't start a debate about cults, I was just bringing up a point. Thank you. =3

Anyway....... Going outside of religion, I don't care either way, as long as the person is happy and it's open and honest. There's a difference between a man cheating on his wife and a man finding another wife to be with them. If it's equal ground relationship where both the man and wife/wives are happy together, then let it be. I personally won't go into a Polygamy relationship mainly because I haven't found one yet that works.

 

I feel like this thread wanted to talk about polyamory versus... mono-amory? I guess that'd be the term. Because first off, it seems like Misty was headed that way to begin with, saying right off that most of us wouldn't have experience with marriage or marrying multiple partners. That and a lot of people are responding explicitly to the -gamy bit, that is, marrying multiple partners. And that has a nasty stigma behind it, cultivated from some unsavory characters with haywire moral compasses. This whole paragraph is pretty much a long-winded justification of my going slightly off-topic with this post and talking about polyamory instead here we goooo

I think asking whether polyamory works as a concept is kind of taking a lot of things about love for granted. We like to believe we can color love however we please, define it and trap it in these little manageable spaces where everyone can observe and understand it. What I've experienced of love tells me that it is a transitory emotion of the highest order, even in its most powerful forms; what's more, it is one of the most fickle and hardest to nail down. In my mind there is no question of whether polyamory can work, because sometimes nothing else will do. Sometimes you just love two or more people at once. Incorporating both of them into your life can strain your feelings, to be sure, but trying to exclude one or the other can have the same effect.

It also depends on where your boundaries lie for a partnership. For some people, it can be surprisingly mechanical; the choice to live with someone, or to take them into consideration when deciding where to buy a house or whether they want to move elsewhere. For others, it is a natural and purely emotional extension of growing closer to someone, a compulsory "upgrade" of sorts that happens between two people who feel strongly for each other. Those two people may see polyamory in totally different lights; you'll be hard-pressed to make the same argument (for or against) convincing to both of them.

As far as extending these practices to marriage, well... Marriage does not always have to be about love. I used to say that with a note of disdain in my voice, but marriage has never really been about love. In times past it was used as a diplomatic gesture, as in mingling royals or influential families; these days, a lot of people just do it for the legal benefits. It's possible to marry for love, but it's kind of redundant. If you're already in love, what does it prove? Why do you have to chain somebody to your wrist to be "officially" in love? Do people just think so lowly of themselves that they figure the only way they won't die alone is if they drag somebody along with them wherever they go?

Welp, this post exceeded even the generous allowance of rambling I had allotted for it. Time to shut my mouth :x

 

Ah yeah, that's what I meant to refer to. I'll change the thread title now, but your post is completely in line with what I wanted to discuss & explore.

 

My thoughts on polyamory have already been spoken. So long as all parties are informed, and involved -- it is possible. Sadly, polyamory has been associated with 'cheating' and thus, unfaithfulness.

People will often gainsay against mono-amory/gamy in order to soothe their own conscious. For ex., disloyal spouses may claim that monogamy goes against 'human nature,' despite the fact that successful [lifelong] monogamous relationships have popped up throughout history. It's a ruse meant to excuse their cheating tendencies, one which they might even believe. Still a ruse nonetheless.

Perhaps a tad off-topic. I'm all for polyamory, but I don't like it when polyamorists attack mono-amory as a means of covering up their own sore habits. It's possible to love one person. It's possible to love two persons, and retain your loyalty. It's another thing to renounce the concept of loyalty entirely.

 

I don't have much more to say but I did feel a need to add one more point to the discussion, and that is I find it interesting most people here seem to be strictly thinking a man with more than one wife when regarding this topic.
Perhaps if the ball field was opened a bit more we'd move more away from the stigmas attached to polygamy? I know the stigmas themselves are interesting to discuss but I feel like we're unintentionally limiting what ways we can take this discussion.

I'd also like to go a bit off to the side and mention that I appreciate Sforzato mentioning marrying for reasons other than love.
Marriage is a contract that I never really approved of people doing out of love, because to me it appears like they need that marriage to validate that they are in fact in love with each other.

 

Polyamory is fine if you've got the mindset for it. I haven't had any experience with it myself, so I don't know if I'd be up for it. I think I'm possessive but not in a demanding way. Falling in love can happen at any time and I don't own my partner, so if I truly wanted nothing more than to be happy, I'd have no right to keep her all to myself. That doesn't mean I have to like sharing her though, and that unwelcome feeling is probably proof enough that I'm not the kind of person for it.

 

I have a tendency to believe that Polygamy won't end well, I'm sorry for those who feel differently. I'd definitely have to stick with a Monogamous relationship. There's a quote I really enjoyed from an anime I watched just recently, "Don't waste time looking for a hundred different friends. Find one friend who'll care about you a hundred times more." Not an exact quote.

At any rate, I'd rather not have to juggle my emotions and balance out my feelings. I'd rather have one person whom I can love.