Discussion in 'Archives' started by Doukuro, Apr 3, 2008.

  1. Doukuro Chaser

    Jun 29, 2007
    No one want their loved ones to die.
    For their family to pass away.
    And their friends to fade.
    But sadly enough it must come.
    The time so goodbye and move on.
    Move on to the better things.
    But never forget the old.
    I said to don't go.
    But you wouldn't listen.
    Now it's done and over with.
    I just hope I will get to meet you again.
    Maybe not too soon though.
    You will live on through me.
    I will never forget the laughs, jokes, and smiles we shared.
    The tears and heartache.
    Please rest in peace.
    Rest in peace so we will not have to worry, to fear.
    Rest in peace so when we get there we may also
  2. Destined Working for WDW

    May 6, 2007
    Lost in the Rockies

    A few problems i see, each sentence ends with a period, it seems to slow down the piece, maybe try commas, they can add more to a poem.

    Also you may want to change the lines i've highlighted, there seems to be words that are missing, or sentences that are unfinished.

    at the asterisk is when I began to have a connection with the poem, the lines seemed to flow easier with each other.