Role Play Idol [Season Three] Challenge #1

Discussion in 'RP Idol Archive' started by Jayn, Apr 2, 2012.

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  1. Jayn

    Sep 30, 2007
    Role Play Idol
    【Challenge One: Introductions

    ★ {WELCOME} ★

     Welcome, and thank you for joining us! I'm happy we're back in for another season. It's a bit unfortunate that some of our RP Idol regulars are away (or really busy), but despite that we have a bunch of great members participating this round and quite a few new faces to welcome.

    I want to take a moment to congratulate the last two winners of the past RP Idols, P (or Pika_Power) and Maddie (or TheOnly9One). We have a lot of talented role players around and I can't wait to see who comes out on top this time around. c;

    First thing is first.~ Let me introduce the judges! They do a lot of hard-work for this competition without anything to gain, and I'm appreciative to anyone who offers their assistance.

    The judges for this season's RPI will be...

    Midnight Star
    and Jayn.

    Remember that our critiques are meant to help and encourage you. I hope that at the end of this competition, you will have become more confident in your role playing, and will feel more comfortable approaching us (the judges) and your fellow role players, even outside of it. We're here to help. <:


     As you may or may not have noted in the sign-up thread, challenges will be a bit more role play like this season. You'll have a chance to interact with each other a bit more than previously have. This challenge will be more like your first evaluation. The judges will be giving you strong, personal critiques to help you improve and start out well for the challenges to come. That being said, no one will be eliminated this challenge. This does not mean to slack off, however. We will be looking very closely at your level of effort and creativity.

    So! Without further delay, the scenario for this round will be a simple one as always. We'll start off in our normal style, without any interacting. This challenge is solely about showing us what you've got and receiving feedback!

    In this scenario, your male AND female character are lost. Regardless of background, your characters have known each other for a very long time and have run away from home together. They've only been gone for a day, but they're discussing whether or not to turn back. They've been traveling by foot this entire time and don't really have anywhere to go. In the end, they must reach a resolution. This doesn't mean a happy ending, but a conclusion.

    You have full control and creative room to decide where they're from, why they left, what their relationship is, if they go back, how they feel, and what happens in this end.

    Use this room and freedom to engage us as best as you can. Remember, treat the judges as if we have no idea who your characters are. We don't know their name, age, personality, background, genders... You must try your best to introduce your two characters to us for the first time and get us familiar with them while hopefully keeping the scenario interesting and creative. Don't be afraid of getting creative with it. Have fun and good luck!


    ♣ You must use both characters in this challenge.

    ♣ Remember that this is a competition. Try your best to impress me, and the judges. If you're not trying, it will be evident.

    ♣ No interactions with the other contestants, for this challenge.

    ♣ Posts count, so be relevant. Please don't spam questions in this thread about this challenge, contact me personally.

    ♣ You have until APRIL 8TH to post. Preferably before then, because we want as much time as possible for the judging process. <: If you do not make that deadline, you are disqualified. Talk to me if it's important.

    ♣ Be creative and have fun! It is a competition, but it's also about being creative, original and letting loose.

    ♣ Graphics are okay to use if you want them. But I'm not making them for anyone in this competition. If you use them, you're not scoring any extra points with the judges. I've made it clear that graphics does not equal superior.

    ♣ Post your posts in this thread, below my post.

    ♣ You may not have powers but you may have weapons.

    ♣ Once you submit, that's your post. You can edit spelling errors and such, but please don't add more on. Only because it would be unfair to post, compare to everyone else's post and edit more in based off of what other people post.

    ♣ If you edit your post, leave a reason why. I CAN compare original posts to their edits, so please be honest.

  2. Technic☆Kitty Hmm

    Apr 2, 2010
    Indiana, USA
    "It's going to rain," said Nights.

    "I'm so tired, I just want to have a nice warm bed to sleep in," Lunara replied as she shivered.

    "I'm sorry, I wish I could find somewhere for us to stay but they're following us," Nights said sadly as he looked at his reflection in the mass of steel he held in his hand.

    "I wish you'd get rid of that thing," Lunara cried.

    "Only if you get rid of yours," Nights retorted.

    They were both quiet for a few moments and then Lunara said, "Can't we go back?"

    "What, and never see each other again?" Nights pointed at a car not too far down the road. "Maybe they can give us a ride."

    "You'd honestly have me ride with a stranger?"

    "Well, no, but-" Nights was interrupted by the sudden eruption of Lunara's tears.

    "I can't do this Nights! We were going to leave and get married when we turned eighteen but not like this," Lunara was weeping.

    "I know, but tensions were rising between our families. I had to get us out of there before something happened."

    "And what if something did happen," Lunara cried, "What if they already tore each other to bits and forgot all about us? What do we do? We have nowhere to go, nowhere to stay, we haven't eaten a decent meal in days and all for what?!" Lunara sat down on a stone, too upset to continue their journey.

    Nights sat down beside Lunara trying to comfort her. "You want to know what i'm doing it for?" He pulled out a note from his pocket. "This will tell you what i'm doing it for. I intended to give this to you on the night of our wedding, but," he hesitated, "I want you to read it now." He holds out the note to Lunara.

    Lunara hesitatingly takes the note. As she opens the note, Night runs off over to the car he saw earlier. The note reads, "Dear Luna, if you're reading this we have been married and I am the happiest I could ever be. I apologize if I might have embarrassed you in my joy. I wrote this note to you long ago, when marriage was only a dream for us. Even though we came from two complete opposites, I knew our love could pull through. That's what kept me holding on, throughout all the troubles. I knew that one day, we would eventually be able to be together. That thought alone is enough to make me shatter the heavens. If you ever doubt anything, anything at all, do not doubt my love for you. I would give my life for you if I had to. The words I had chosen previously to express my love were cheap, and meaningless. To the honest truth, I can't express my love for you. For there are no words, no symbols, no methods to describe it. There is one word that might come close. That word is endless. My love for you is as endless as the the number of stars in the sky. As endless as the passage of time. I hope our life together is full of happiness. Oh, and could you do me a favor? Congratulate the me you know now, I just fulfilled my one and only dream." Lunara's tears became that of pure happiness.

    Nights returned panting, "The guy driving that car said he would take us back home if you want. Come on, let's go." Nights held out his hand.

    Lunara took his hand as he pulled her up. She hugged him tightly and told him, "No, I don't want to go back. If it's possible I want to go further away. As long as i'm with you, that's all that matters."
  3. tamale Ice to see you!

    Nov 19, 2010
    Cisgender Male
    The Realm of Sleep
    "We'll carry on for the next hour, then we'll stop for the night," Scheherezade declared. Seamus straggled behind her, carrying his (well, technically her) bag, his physical strength unable to keep up with her determination.

    "Another hour?" he asked incredulously. "We've already been goingfor an hour!"

    "And? I see no problem with this."

    Scheherezade heard a thump behind her. Frowning, she turned to see that the teenager had thrown the bag to the ground. "This may not have occurred to you, O High and Mighty One," he seethed, raking a hand through his red hair. "But the world doesn't revolve around your crazy schemes, and that includes me!"

    "Is there a point you're trying to make with this foolishness," she answered coolly, flicking her braid behind her. "Or are you going to pick that bag back up and come with me?"

    "Yes, there's a point!" Seamus shouted, angry and exhausted. He sat down on the ground, and Scheherezade's eyes widened. "I'm only in town for a boxing match; I can't just take off on your every whim. I'm already going to be in enough trouble for being gone so long. So, here's a new plan: we keep walking for an hour, like you wanted, but in the direction we came from."

    "What... No! Absolutely not! This is unacceptable! I need to get out of this city!"

    "Why?" Seamus pressed. "There's no reason your genius mind couldn't come up with a new scheme. You'll be able to escape the city, and I'll be able to go back to my normal life. Perfect."

    For once, Scheherezade was stumped. She had no counterargument to this.

    "...Fine, she spat. "We'll go your way. Now, get up."

    Seamus smiled and stood up, slinging the bag back over his shoulder. "Glad you could see sense, eh?"

    Sheherezade didn't grace that with an answer. As much as she was loath to admit it, the boy was good.
  4. flowergothic Twilight Town Denizen

    Nov 29, 2010
    "Wha- what happened?" Pamela got up, feeling drowsy, "I don't remember anything of the past few hours."

    "Me neither." Nick said.

    "But more importantly, where are we?"

    Nick thought for a moment. But since the room was nothing but peeled paint, shattered windows, and mossy floorboards, there wasn't really much to offer, "Since this place seems empty, let's go outside to figure this out."

    The rest of the street, however, was no different than the room. Nailed wooden boards looked like they were on the houses for several years. There wasn't a sign of life anywhere. The place just looked... abandoned.

    "What happened to this place? And how did we end up here?" Pamela kept questioning no-one.

    But before Nick could finally answer her questions, a tiny slip of paper landed behind his feet.

    "Hey, what's this?" Nick turned around and picked up the note.

    The slip said: Any Questions?

    After reading it, Nick looked up and said, "Yes, I do have a question: where are we?

    Then he turned to Pamela and smiled, "At least we have each other." He started, "If we stick together, we can make it home Pamela."

    "Oh Nick! You're totally right!" Pamela replied, then hugged Nick.

    And as the two hugged, another slip of paper landed exactly where the first did...
  5. Jayn

    Sep 30, 2007
    {OOC: Thank you for the submissions so far. Quick note, the deadline has been extended to the 8th. This is the only extension I'm giving for this challenge.}

  6. Jayn

    Sep 30, 2007
    {Friendly reminder. ~ You have two more days to post. Waiting on Master of Keyblades and miaulement. ~ }

  7. miaulement Traverse Town Homebody

    Aug 8, 2011
    The Nether
    "Bloom, if you keep doing stuff like this, we'll never have a place to live!!" Nacho yelled, not caring if she reacted badly or not.

    Bloom glared at the much older man, "The people reminded me of my parents," she looked at her pocket knife, "I had to do something." She chuckled, watching the blood drip down from the knife.

    Nacho sighed as he flipped back his long, blonde hair, "You realize this sort of stuff is illegal, right?" He said slowly. Her short, white curls bounced as she was studying her surroundings. She rolled her eyes, "Thank you, Captain Obvious." She snapped. Her young, innocent voice never matching with her much older speech mannerisms.

    They were hiding in a forest. A bit cliché, but it was the only place they could make quick ground without being caught... for now. Bloom skipped through the trees, getting dirt on her bare feet, this did not seem to bother her. Nacho, on the other hand, was obviously bothered, "You're a dirty little girl. We need to get you some shoes."

    "Well then, we need to get you a haircut." Bloom smirked, knowing she hit a nerve. Nacho sighed, grabbing his middle-back-length hair, "Fine... just wash them off before you sleep." She chuckled at the word 'sleep', "Let's set up camp in a cave, or a clump of trees. We've walked far enough."

    "Are you sure, Bloom...?" Nacho dusted off his khaki pants, "I just don't want them to know where we went." Bloom nodded,"I'm sure. Maybe you should brush the hair out of the front of your eyes, so you're not as recognizable."

    Nacho shook his head quickly, "I'd look terrifying..." She shrugged, "You're a weird kid. Help me gather up some fire wood." He nodded, beginning to pick up loose twigs that were spread around the spot they picked.
  8. CrownMoksha Decimo

    Jan 11, 2011
    On board the DenLiner
    "If you’re tired, we can rest here if you want." Jaden said to his friend. Amy gave him a thankful look before sitting down next to a tree.

    "Thanks. Man why did we do this in the first place?" She replied.

    â€Guess it had something to do with the moment or something. Either way we can always turn back.†There was quick silence between the two before Amy spoke.

    "We've been gone for a day now,I highly doubt we're going to get off easy."

    Jaden just shrugged his shoulders. "Your probably right about that much." Digging his hand into his coat pocket,he took out a coin. "How about this, Head we keep going and Tails we head home."

    "Sounds good to me." Amy replied.

    With one quick flick of his thumb,the coin went into the air before landing in his palm. "Looks like we're heading home."
  9. Jayn

    Sep 30, 2007
    Alrighty, thank you all. Wigglz won't be able to post, so us judges can start critiquing. Please do so in the next couple of days.
  10. Hyuge ✧ [[ Fairy Queen ]]

    Apr 13, 2009
    Camp Half-Blood
    First, i'd like to say good job to everyone on the first challenge. Stuff like this can be rather intimidating at first. Second, i'm putting everyone's critiques in spoilers to save on space. And third, if you vlick you spoiler and it's blank, don't panic. I just haven't finished your critique yet. Going in the order that everyone posted in:

    High points-
    Great grammar/spelling
    Neat and well organized
    Plenty of detail
    Really showed the relationship between the two characters​
    Followed the challenge guidelines well
    Really looked like there was a lot of work put into it
    Appeared that you took your time and thought hard about it​

    Maybe a little more back story. I understand that their families are fighting, but why are they fighting? Why don't they want Nights and Lunara to be together?​

    . : tale_wind-
    High points-


    High points-
    Very organized
    Easy to follow
    Can see that the characters feel for each other
    No serious grammar/spelling errors
    Really looks like you put some thought into it
    Definitely looks like you had a creative idea​

    Seemed a little off target. Didn't really have anything to do with running away, which is what this challenge was about.​

    High points-


    Master of Keyblades
    High points-
    I understand the relationship
    It's brief and to the point
    Well organized
    Easy to read/follow
    Good job following the guidelines​

    Minor grammar errors
    Could use some more details:
    Lacking in content​
    Not really much of a story:
    Didn't really feel like I got to know the characters.​

    Again, good start everyone. Good luck on the judging results and good luck on challenge # 2.
  11. Jayn

    Sep 30, 2007
    Good job to everyone and good luck to you for future seasons.

    First off, thank you for your promptness. I appreciate you posting so soon after the challenge was written. Secondly, that was very cute. I liked the romantic aspect of it. I also liked how you organized it all and used different colors to represent who was speaking.

    Now for the critique. Recall that we 'don't know' anything about your characters. Meaning this was an opportunity to introduce them in full. What I got from this from that they're in love, Luna is emotional and Nights...loves her. From this entry, I still don't know their ages and I don't know what they look like.

    Regarding the plot/reason for them leaving, I think the forbidden love concept is always fun to play around with, but it would have been nice to explain why they had to leave and why they wouldn't be able to see each other.

    I like that Luna developed in her thought process and decided she would rather leave, but I felt that it was a bit rushed. It would have been nice for it to draw on a bit longer, respectively.

    So for future entries, I suggest you work on adding more detail and tying the post together more efficiently. Other than that though, nice job.

    Make sure you use proper capitalization. There were a lot of non-capitalized he's and she's.

    I felt this was a bit too short. Nothing really happened. Same as with Nights, I have no idea what your characters look like or how old they are, or even their personalities and this post didn't really introduce them at all. I felt it kind of missed the purpose of the challenge, which was to introduce your characters in detail to the judges.

    You had good dialogue, though. Spunky and energetic. Just wish there was more here.

    My suggestion for the next challenges is to be more detailed, and keep on track with the challenge. If the challenge wasn't met, it doesn't matter how good your post was, if that makes sense.

    Was a very interesting approach, but there was no finish or conclusion. Still don't know anything about the characters, which was the point of the challenge. Creative idea, but it fell flat on my end. Cliffhangers are generally not a good idea when the challenge calls for a conclusion. Either way, nice idea.

    My suggestion for the next challenge is not to leave off on a cliffhanger, put more detail into it, and stick with the challenge.

    I felt you started off rather strong, but I got to know Bloom much better than I got to know Nacho. I still don't know what happened. I think she killed someone? Idk. You could have been a bit clearer with this, but I think you may have been trying for some mystery. ~ I really liked your descriptions in this. Her hair, her voice. If you had kept up that type of detail consistently, I wouldn't have very much to say about this post. You did well. Good organization, good language/word choice.

    My suggestion to you is to say consistent in your writing. Make sure you explain things thoroughly.

    I like how right away you specified that they were friends, stating the relationship. I also like the tails or heads idea, giving you a resolution. However, this was rather bland. It was short and not much happened. It's good that you stated why they left, but you didn't really explain why they'd get in trouble for doing so. Dunno how old they are or where they're from.

    I suggest you add more detail in the future.

    If you want to talk to me about your critique, PM or VM would be best. Not here. Thanks.

  12. Midnight Star Master of Physics

    Jun 7, 2009
    Here goes nothing...

    You presentation was reasonably good, you can clearly see who is speaking and when, however it did get a little messy at the start when each character had one line per go. To me it felt like I was reading a one liner rp all merged together into one post. Your post mainly concentrated on the speech, which is fair enough but in future challenges I would like to see a bit more detail aside from the speech. Perhaps consider writing about the character’s thoughts and feelings. Also you kept switched from past tense to present tense a few times in your post, try to stay in past tense for the whole post. Other than that, good job on posting first and you clearly put effort into it.

    I just love the interaction between your characters, I can really visualise it in my head and it made me laugh. I’d like it if you could have described them a bit more other than the dialogue, like describing what they look like. Your presentation is fairly clear and readable. I enjoyed your post but there’s still room for improvement and a bit more detail wouldn’t go amiss. Good Luck.

    You presentation wasn’t bad; it was fairly clear who was speaking at each point. However it wouldn’t harm you to make your paragraphs a bit longer than one or two lines and to expand on them, adding detail. The way you described the street wasn’t bad, I quite like how you got across the feel of the place, though still quite short and I’d of liked you to extend it. Also I still don’t have much of a feel for your characters, I’m still unsure about their personalities and what they look like, which was the point of the challenge. So I’d like it if you could work on that.

    You have quite an unusual style of presentation by putting speech by different people in the same paragraph, which is a little confusing, but you’ve made it obvious with your colours who is speaking. I found the dialogue fairly entertaining and I like the detail you’ve added. I think you’ve made a relatively strong start, just be sure to keep working on it and make sure you make everything clear.

    To me your post seemed very unsubstantial; it felt like I didn’t get a very good feel for your characters and if it didn’t keep my interest very well. It didn’t seem as if anything really happened of interest in your post. You need to add a bit more detail and expand on it, maybe think about your characters thoughts and feelings to add a layer of depth. You post is like a skeleton and you need to flesh it out a bit.
  13. Arch Mana Knight

    Oct 5, 2007
    Alright, so first off I'm going to start by saying I'll do my best to ignore your characters' names and focus on everything else you write.

    As others have said, why are their families fighting? Using the whole Romeo and Juliet backstory is a little outdated, isn't it? Since this is an introduction to your characters, you need to be a bit more detailed on who they are. The only thing I got out of this was that they love each other and that they're getting away from their families. That's it. I feel like you spent too long writing out that letter and not enough time actually developing your characters.

    On the plus side, your technical skill and writing ability is above average. So good on you.

    Ignore what Jayn said about capitalization. You used commas, not periods which means you weren't supposed to capitalize them anyways.

    Your characters showed a lot of attitude, but not exactly any background. On a note of realism, a 15 year old having to be in a town for a boxing match? Should've made your character older if you wanted him to be more mature. Just a few minor details here that I'd want to nitpick on but nothing really major except for the fact that you entirely neglected any reason for why Scheherezade needs to be moving. Essentially, there's no motivation for your post.

    As for the technical side of things, nothing I see wrong. Though I'd suggest to have less breaks in lines, yes I know it's for dialogue but there's creative ways around that.

    Basically what Jayn said summed up everything I would have brought up. Cliffhangers are useless when you only get one shot at doing something unless you're really good at pulling it off. Not enough happened in your post for it to be considered a worthwhile cliffhanger. Going for the mysterious approach doesn't work when it completely conflicts with the point of the challenge.

    Where did you come up with that name?

    On a serious note...

    I'm not really comfortable with your female character. As I've become more experienced as an RPer I've gotten into the habit of making all my characters at least somewhat believable. Bloom is of course, completely the opposite. Still, I suppose this isn't about critiquing your character entirely. Be thankful that it isn't!

    Again, I'm going to discourage any attempts to be mysterious. These challenges are not meant to be full-blown RPs. Just a little more detail in the beginning would've sufficed. While I can figure out that your character killed off some people, that doesn't mean everyone else can. You gave purpose to your characters however so that's a plus.

    There really isn't much to go off on about your post. Just felt unnatural. You never stated why they left home or what exactly your characters' relationship to each other was. Friends? Lovers? I wouldn't know. As for their personalities or backgrounds, there still wasn't enough to make heads or tails of it(see what I did there?). Like Midnight said, not enough substance.

    As a general critique for everyone who posted, don't try making things too mysterious. Don't leave cliffhangers and explain why your characters are taking certain actions. Generally speaking you may only get one post so being vague will not help you.
  14. Jayn

    Sep 30, 2007
    'Kay. As stated before, no one gets voted off so there will be no voting thread. Locking. Next challenge will be posted at some point soon. Tuesday at the latest.

    Pay attention to the critiques. Actually try to improve and grow. We'll be looking at that.

    @Tale; Apologies. Machina is right about the capitalization. This is what happens when you pull two all-nighters in a row.

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