Role Play Idol [Season Three] Challenge #3

Discussion in 'RP Idol Archive' started by Jayn, Jun 9, 2012.

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  1. Jayn

    Joined:
    Sep 30, 2007
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    As Jocelyn stood there at the position given to her, she heard the cry. Her thin, brown eyebrows raised in surprise. It sounded like a confession, but she couldn't be too sure. Would the leader really give up so easily? Granted, it had taken the lot an awful long time for them to reach a decision, but you could never be too careful. Besides, if it's the wrong guy... She pressed her lips together in thought, eyes focused on the doorway before her. Her black boots dug into the earth beneath her and she continued to hold her ground. They had wanted to appear relatively non-threatening by keeping most of their weapons concealed, but her fingers still felt bare and empty without her gun. She missed it. Nervously, her fingernails dug into her palms and she took a deep breath, steadying herself again.

    Despite the confession, things still seemed a bit muddled. No one was exiting the house quite yet. Her dark, round eyes darted from the doorway to their leader--Detective Renee. She knew better than to let her guard down, but she was still wondering what exactly should be done, considering it seemed like someone was actually going to surrender. She was grateful that they may be able to avoid bloodshed, but she still didn't fully trust the situation. Before the tension could overwhelm her, she heard a creak. She returned her gaze solely to the door and shifted just a bit, readying herself for any confrontation--well, as best as she could with her gun hidden away.

    Surprisingly, though, the only thing that appeared was a girl. Could she really be the leader?

    --

    OOC; 'Kay. Time for critiques.
     
  2. Hyuge ✧ [[ Fairy Queen ]]

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    I think everyone did quite well on this one. I just wanted to say congrats on that. It makes me feel proud since this was my challenge. good job everyone.
    Overall, I don't really have any complaints. There were a few grammar issues that bothered me, but nothing serious. My one main concern, is that i wish everyone would have either posted more or been more detailed in the few posts that you all did. This one was supposed to be less on action and more on how everyone is feeling. I really wish I could have gotten to know what was going on in each of the characters' minds better. Descriptive quality was what I was looking for.

    There's not a lot I have to say individually, other than I was pleasantly surprised by Wigglz. I hadn't expected anyone to actually give themselves up, so when you had Edrina do so, it made me smile and feel bad for her all at the same time. good job. And Tales, I liked your idea of searching the house, but given the time limit and the frequency at which everyone was posting, it just wasn't going to work out. It was moving in a direction opposite of where we needed to be in the challenge. Everyone else, I just wish there would have been more in your posts, as I've already stated. I'm not going to repeat myself again...

    I apoligize for my critique taking so long to get posted and then being rather vague. I've been preoccupied with getting my new R.P up and I just don't have a lot to say other than you all did a good job on this one. It's going to be hard to pick a favorite. Keep doing your best and you're bound to be excellent. I like to think I'm excellent. Even though I'm really not.
     
  3. Jayn

    Joined:
    Sep 30, 2007
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    Thank to everyone for getting your entries in. Apologies for the ever-slow pace. Thank you to the judges that participated as well. SO. This round we really will be voting off. xD Also, the RP Idol pin is done and uploaded to KHV so yay. <3 Good luck to all of you. I will be giving you individual critiques. Please keep the critiques you're given in mind. We're only trying to help.



    I've always found your way of posting really neat and organized. The paragraphs and the color coding. Lovely! You made a couple mistakes with punctuation, but that's alright. There was nothing major or too distracting. Your emotion is good as always. I really love the way you bring your characters to life. Your descriptions aren't overly complicated and your posts are long enough to get the point across without being unbearable to read.

    Though you started off strong, you later just stopped posting? Not a very good thing to do, eh? I would have found your entries near flawless if you had stuck around the challenge consistently. Not only is what you're posting important, but actually posting is just as important.

    I appreciate you sticking the challenge out and staying through. Good job with that. Regarding your actual posts, I think you did pretty well. You've definitely improved from the last could of seasons and progress is definitely a plus in any competition. There were a couple of places where you forgot to close your quotes. The color coding helped with what was speaking and what wasn't, but try to remember the quotation marks. In some of your paragraphs, there aren't any quotations around your speaking at all. If it weren't for the color codes, everything would look like one big run-on sentence.

    Another thing that kind of surprised me was when you chimed in about giving yourself up after Wigglz's character had done that. I don't know how I feel about that. Part of me admires your dominance, but the other part of me understood Wigglz's character being frustrated by it. It felt necessary to me. Even if you had wanted to stop his character, there are other ways to go about it then to take their place in what they were going to do, I suppose? I think that's how I feel. Either way, good job.


    Good job here. Like Tale_Wind, I also enjoy your narrative and way of writing. It's fun and descriptive, sometimes. A bit too short, though. But most of the posts in this season have been really short. One thing that annoyed me was your character's way of speaking. I understand that it's more of an artistic choice, but the constant eclipses were extremely distracting to me. Remember, "..." they're meant...for a pause...which...means that...every time...you use one...the reader is more ... likely ... to pause ... as they read, making the overall sentence extremely choppy and slow.


    Despite your flustered message to me, you ended up posting more than once and you did pretty darn good. I was happy with your decision to give yourself up. Your emotion leading up to the choice was good, though I wish there was a wee bit more detail. Other than length, I thought your posts were well written, for the most part. You've also shown improvement. Just remember to capitalize your 'I's.


    To be honest, your posts didn't really stand out to me. Probably because you didn't really post anything? Even though you posted, it felt like you were just posting to post. You didn't interact or contribute to the discussion or the debate until the end, which was the purpose of the challenge. Also this;


    This bothered me. The one who first mentioned surrendering was Edrina. :c So it would have been interesting if you said her name instead. ANYWAY. Good job. I'd like to see you be a bit more descriptive with your posts, though.







    [​IMG]


     
  4. Jayn

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    Done waiting for the other two judges. Moving on. Coming up with a winner and then posting the poll.~
     
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